─ rain ─

[Tanjiro]

I feel like I have been reborn. I experienced a Tower (tarot) moment where the old me died.
& here I am, having survived the most brutal learning lesson yet. I am alive and faced with new opportunities.
New people, new place, same old challenges. But a different outlook and approach of course.

A second chance, so will you make the most out of it or will you repeat the same old mistakes?

[Tanjiro]

A year ago we threw everything away from my childhood home and moved 1,000 miles away to the West Coast. I wasn't into the idea of weightlifting and my body could barely sustain itself. My only purpose in life was to survive the day. The people I called friends only rejoiced at my failures. I was deeply unhappy but I wasn't allowed to express it as I was trying my best to burden everyone's pain. A year ago, life put 1,000 miles away from the past and an even further distance from everyone else. I felt like I was missing out as I watched my old friends continue their lives without me. But the distance allowed me to finally live my life away from the chaos.

If I told the old me about my life now, she would've been dissatisfied. I deleted social media because it's okay to not know what everyone has been up to. I still have solid friends who hold great conversations with me, but I no longer invest my precious energy with people who don't have good intentions. I spend most of the day in quiet solitude as I discovered how to embrace myself and transform loneliness into peace. I eat to gain weight and I love being able to lift heavy objects! I have let go of grudges and I don't need to prove to people that I am successful anymore. I don't fight with my parents anymore. I have learned how to write, love, and apologize with genuine emotions now.

I feel like I woke up from a bad dream. I am finally alive. I am free to feel again. I would say that I do not recognize the person I am today, but that's not the case anymore; I do not recognize that girl from a year ago. The person I am today is the person I have always been. I have always been destined to be great. To be loving, kind, and intelligent. I should not have let the world mold me to be any less of that. I still love the old me, I would never blame her for making mistakes or for not having the tools to navigate the world like I do not. If anything, I'm proud of her for coming so far.

[Tanjiro]

I used to take a photo whenever I felt pretty.
Before a night out, all-natural before bed, whatever to capture the moment I felt powerful.
Even though I look the same,
the magic has faded.
I don't feel like that girl anymore.
I wish I had the energy to be that pretty girl again.
But even without that confidence, I'm no different than the person I was.





To me,


I have made the promise to you to be a better lover this year. I am going to love you in ways they never did. You are the prettiest girl ever in my eyes. I make sure you know by pointing out every feature that I love about you.

You never cared to share your love languages with people because you assumed that they wouldn't care, but I care. I'll spend the best quality time with you. We'll go to farmer's markets, craft fairs, & community events on weekends & on the days you feel tired we'll take care of your plants & write. I'll write you love letters. I'll tell you that you're the best at everything you do. There is no competition, the only competition is you from the past.

You've always been that pretty girl & you forever will be that pretty girl. Let's go experience life together :)

[Tanjiro]

You treated my ideas like a revolution of what was already set in stone.
I had to conform and reduce my demands until I was an empty hull of a woman.
Ask for less, how could you be loved if you demand so much?
The love offered was effortless & dull. I had to give more & more of myself for unrequited affection.
I'll stop asking you to try to love me & I'll leave you alone until you've had enough of your lonely solitude. You call that love.

So I took all my love back & gave it to myself, & a vision came to me during the journey.
I can tell you that I am a symphony, not a single tune. My love is more profound & more complex than you can process.
My love is not silent & unassuming. My passion is loud & powerful, my love is steady & warm.

I'll give myself that love in my daydreams.
In my dreams, there is someone who eats pizza with me on the floor while watching every show possible. They'll keep their promise of taking me to see the sunset by the beach. They'll grab my hand as we run across the roads & hallways of museums. They'll pick me up from work with flowers that made them think of me. They'll cook those meals for me. They'll hold me tight because they know not to lose someone like me.
I know I'll have a love like that. I experienced it myself.

[Tanjiro]

The path was a full circle.
I worked so hard for this life, chipping away parts of me to fit in.
I'll talk with directness & I'll deliver what is asked of me behind the glass windows of this corporate work life.
I'll walk with my back straight & listen to the echoes of my footsteps behind me.
Less time spent on feeling, more time spent on working.
But within, I still feel like a child playing pretend in a life of adulthood.

She has really grown up & has finally found her place in society, is what people say.
I have found her again, the 4-year-old me giggles as she fights with her excitement to keep this secret between us.
I keep her hidden from the world that crushed her, but she emerges at times.
Like when the higher-ups praised me for my contributions. The subtle sense of pride was what pushed me to do more.
I ponder the fun activities I will do when I get home. I admire the magic life has to offer.
I'll brush her hair again. I'll wear the pretty clothes she always wanted to wear. I'll eat the foods she's always wanted to eat.
I play pretend again.

[Tanjiro]

I’m tired of trying to fit into places
Reducing myself so I can fit in.

I am more.
I am more.

[Tanjiro]

Since May.
Time really flies, huh?

I constantly shrank for the comfort of others.
He told me he's never met anyone like me. That he hasn't found anyone quite like me, yet, there still isn't room for me in his life.
I'm not going to diminish myself so that I can fit, I have done that all my life.
If he can't make room for me, that's fine. My life outside of him has all the freedom & space I require.

He was truly the last person to have me, I stopped seeking out romantic experiences all together.
(I'm not holding out for him, I'm living life for me)
Quiet nights get easier when I became the person I loved anyways.
Perhaps society will pin this as selfishness, but being selfish has made me a better person than being selfless.
Because I have been giving away my love when I deserved it the most.

[Tanjiro]

I'm here.
It is more real than ever. I sit by glass windows overlooking the city night in a place I dreamed of as I'm writing right now.
I'm here, I'm here. I live a life I always knew I would, & yet, I feel like I am undeserving.
I feel like I am living a lie. I'm paid, fed, & yet I question if I am deserving because I don't feel like I have accomplished enough to be here - I guess that is why they call it imposter syndrome.
But why do I feel like I have not accomplished enough, have I not suffered enough?
I have to get comfortable with the idea that I am worthy of all this,
I can't let my suffering go to waste.

[Tanjiro]

Mannnn it's been a while since I've written a diary entry. I have been ruminating for months on how to get over this writer's block, but I realized that I just don't like trying to structure my thoughts & I prefer rambling about silly little things in my life on this pet's site so future me can read it in the future.

Around 2 years ago I briefly dated this guy before he dumped me to "enjoy the single life". I was devastated but I took it like a champ honestly. Held back my tears & hit him with the corny "thanks for all the good memories I wish you the best" talk & started my gym & healing journey instead of ruminating on why I wasn't enough (Obviously I was more than enough but in the moment it felt like I wasn't). I had put him on a pedestal because he was pretty, had a career as an engineer, & had huge muscles. I honestly don't give myself enough credit for this but in the span of a year I had become ALL those things just to prove to myself that I belong on the pedestal too. But it really wasn't the career, looks, or physique that brought me true happiness, but it was the mental journey I had embarked. I think my writing entries are a true testament of that change. But before I had the results, I felt so corny. Like wowwww look at me I'm trying to be successful because I got dumped oooo whatta loser. Good lord, even a year after I felt like I was making no progress in life. But it finally clicked for me when I was (admittedly) admiring my muscles in the mirror. I have this belief that I will magically start loving myself when I have things such as money, looks, & material worth, & when I don't love myself I start believing that I don't have enough & this puts me in an endless cycle of chasing. & me being me, I had to change my tactic when faced with undesirable results. Started doing the inner work: identifying what I TRULY wanted. But yeah, I started BEING rather than CHASING. It's great & admittedly I am getting too lazy to write more about this so I am going to cut this tangent off here.

Anyways, he told me he misses my humor & my charm & my kindness. I had let the feelings of inadequacy change my perception of him after he had left. Now that I have everything that made him so great to me, I start to question WHAT romance is. I mean, I wasn't chasing him after all, I simply just wanted a glimpse into his life. I wasn't chasing all of that for him to be like "I'm in love with you because you have a good job, good muscles, good life", but rather these material things were a testament to my discipline & good attributes to my personality. But I have always had those attributes, no? I have always been whole even before I was sent on an anime-level training arc. Ah, I guess that is that. I'm glad I recognized my worth. Also kudos to past me for being the better person FR because I literally got dumped via text 1 hour before our date, I coulda went insane instead LOL.

[Tanjiro]

I grew up in a chaotic household where love was only expressed through violence & rage.
& though it's way past me, the pain of my teenage self still echoes through when I look at my old posts. My mother, specifically, was the catalyst in my life. I had spent the next few years seeking for the missing love in the form of toxic relationships. I talk a lot about my personal journey of healing & breaking the cycle, but I'm not the only one who has changed. My mother was a bitter person, bitter until the harsh reality of death shook her perspective on everything. She had burnt the bridge with her little sister, but at the end held her close up until her last breath. My mom came home from China & did something so unexpected. She apologized. She apologized! It was so genuine too. A very honest "I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I promise I won't ever be violent ever again, I will be a good mom." & I believed her because of her actions. Given that it's at a point in my life where I healed & wasn't needing an apology to move on, but it was nice. For the first time in my life, I have a mother. I have a mother! I have a family who loves each other! If miracles aren’t real then I don’t know what to call this. There are times where people seem to be amazed at how optimistic I am towards life, & I want to grab them by the shoulders & exclaim "I am experiencing a life where I have a mother & a father who loves me! I am experiencing a life that 13 year old me BEGGED for! How can I not be happy?"

That 13 year old girl still lives within me though. She pounds on the door of the past, screaming “why did you bury me and the pain that I had to endure? Why do you forgive her? Did you forget the things she put us through?” There are times where that rage would bubble up to the surface. I’d raise my voice at my mom in anger while reminding her of her words. But my mother no longer deflected, no longer screamed. Just lowered her head in shame while repeating “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” & though the rage immediately diffused & I hugged her while apologizing for my temper, the guilt of the scene would eat me up for weeks. If I didn’t let go of the resentment of the past, would I repeat the same mistakes? Would I become the abuser rather than the abused? I clung onto the idea of justice for the longest time. I wanted the people who hurt me to hurt equally as much. But where do I place that bitterness now? If I could go back in time & see my teenage self again, I’d pull her into the tightest hug ever & tell her that the world is so full of love. That bitterness of wanting to see the world burn was only a desperate plea for the love of her mother. I have it now. I have it. I’ve made an oath to myself to never let my rage control me & to practice forgiveness.

My mother looked at me & told me “life was so hard for me but I’m glad I stayed so that I can have you as my daughter.” My mother is a human too. This is her first time being a mother too & I am so proud of her.