trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

just a place for me to keep all my assorted thoughts and feelings.
every page is basically just me rambling forever about what's new in my life.

obviously you're free to read through, though please do not post here. I don't object to getting pms about what's here, though ♥

~
a lil background info about me:
I'm just a pretty typical young adult from the US. I'm a recent college grad (FINALLY) who majored in english. now trying to find my place in the world, which isn't the straightforward path I hoped it'd be. I'm really introverted though I could honestly go on for hoursss when it comes to texting, e-mailing, or anything to do with typing (thus I felt a need to establish a journal to avoid flooding the other forums with my nonsense). my interests include writing, drawing, music, gaming, anime, and some other fandoms, the top ones being star wars, supernatural, marvel and dc comics, and rwby.

notes to myself:
since I've started using so many nicknames for people in my life in my posts I need to create a reference list now...
-
m: important mother figure in my life at the start of this, though now we haven't talked in years.
mh: my "friend" and crush, feb. 2019-may 2019. brought up too often in here.
l: roommate from january-may 2019 and friend. she had to listen to a lot of my tales of woe. sorry l.
ja: a friend since 2018. she likes to pester me a lot though.
웃♪: world's best choir director. I can't be convinced otherwise..
p: my bestie who has also been my coworker at 3 different jobs now.
p3 - my fiancé. ♥

link to everything that happened between mh and I (aka, the train wreck that was my life at the start of this thing)

[Trexxa]

february 16th, 2019 ♥
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wow I'm really bored out of my mind right now. literally have nothing to do this weekend... well I do have a bit of homework I could go over yet, though it'd only take no more than an hour. meh. I kind of want to go shopping for some snacks, though I'll probably have to go get some cash if I do, and I think I also need to put more fuel in my truck. >-< l left at 6:30am this morning, not sure when she'll be back.

speaking of people, I'm wondering when mh is going to be back, he said he'd be back tonight and I'm wondering if he'll be back early enough that we could hang out again. if not I hope we can hang out tomorrow night. he hasn't texted me so far today like he normally does but then again he is at home. I wanna text him and ask but then again he hasn't seen his family in weeks, I don't want to be annoying. x.x that guy's confusing the heck outta me tbh. I can't figure out whether he likes me or not. sometimes he treats me like nothing more than a gaming buddy and other times... I don't know?? like, if he only sees me as a friend then why does he keep calling me "hun" and messaging me all the time and invading my personal space... aaa! he started teasing me about having a crush on him a couple days ago and welp that's only added to my confusion by 1000%. I kinda want to confront him about it but I'm also nervous. I'm terrified of rejection and whatever happens I don't want to damage our friendship. he's become a great friend and I don't want to risk losing that. :[

...anyway. I've also been thinking a lot about what I wanna do over this summer. my parents have got it all worked out that I'm going to be at home and get a job at the mall/golf course. ugh. personally I, more than anything, want to stay down here this summer. I feel so happy here on campus, all the time. my friends all live around here. back at home there isn't anything for me, apart from what my parents see fit for me. I've already been offered a full-time position here on the campus over the summer and I said "I'd think about it". the problem with that though was I wouldn't have a place to live... well yesterday I got an email about summer housing here on the campus. it's insanely cheap. suddenly staying down here looks pretty feasible after all. I'm so scared of how my family's going to react though... I just know they're going to bombard me with questions and show me all the flaws in it to try and coax me back. sure I'd probably make more by getting a job at home, not having to pay any sort of housing fee. but for me money isn't everything. happiness is what really matters most of all.

well I don't think I can come up with anything else to say right now. x'D I don't know how often I'll update this, maybe once every couple of days or so, whenever I've racked up enough subjects in my head. maybe I'll fit a few other things in this thread too, like plot ideas for the story I'm working on, letters, or poetry (I don't like poetry, though I get oddly poetic when I'm in a gloomy mood...)

maybe I should go shopping after all. then text mh since my curiosity's getting the better of me... then I'll finish up that homework before I eat supper. and if mh isn't around/available to hang out then I guess I'll maybe draw lol. yeah, alright, I'm going now.
(as I'm sitting here reading this for typos mh just texted! heck yea!!!)
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

february 19th, 2019 ♥
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haven't got a lot of time to type something up right now, might have to pause and come back to this later. just got done with a test in psychology and since I finished so early I have a bit of downtime before my piano seminar. (I hate those with a passion, by the way.) think the test turned out really well, at least I hope it did, I seriously need an A this test if I'm going to get an A in the class... -shudder-

I'm so tired right now, hoping I can manage to stay awake for the rest of the day... I still have to work tonight yet too bleh. last night was... idek how to go about telling it... needless to say I've continued to hang out with mh a lot since my last entry. we ended up hanging out after I finished my entry and I actually stayed overnight at his place. last night I stayed over again, but this time we actually shared a bed. (and I don't think I slept at all due to me fearing falling out of the bed and also not being used to sharing it with someone else. x'D) he's been treating me... different, too? like, we hug a lot but it was always pretty normal, like how I hug all my friends. idek how to describe it lol, but he's now hugging me longer, in more of a cuddly way. I am legit so confused with him now. I'm honestly pretty sure he likes me as more than just a friend. I mean... who on earth hugs/cuddles their friends like that. x'D? of course he still hasn't said anything remotely like "hey, I like you" or "hey, would you like to go out sometime" at all. he keeps teasing me about if I "talk to other guys" or if I've "found a boyfriend" but I can't determine if he's just joking or trying to suggest something. ughhhh. >.<

as for myself, I honestly don't know either... I do really like him, he makes me really happy. I'm so cautious about who I open up to though, and I like to make sure I'm a hundred percent sure about something before I choose to go with it. I worry that I'm maybe rushing into things. last night was definitely almost crossing the line between friendship and something more though. I'm curious how things are going to pan out from here...

five minutes till I have to leave for seminar, hoorah /sarcasm. wish I could just stay here and get my homework done for tomorrow instead of having to rush through it after seminar and before I have to work. >_< I think I've said everything I need to say for right now though. we'll see what sort of adventures life has in store for me these upcoming next few days.
till the next time.
-trexxa

(ps to anyone reading these - in case you're wondering why I refer to myself as trexxa XD that's the username I went by for right around 6 years and despite me having a different username at this current moment trexxa's still the username I prefer to go by.)

[Trexxa]

february 22nd, 2019 ♥
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time for another one of these as I am bored and have about 20 minutes of downtime yet before I need to go eat lunch. (I could also be studying a bit more for the test in an hour but meh. XD I'm feeling semi-confident in my knowledge.)

so... the past couple of days have been a little crazy... haven't hung out with mh a whole lot, except from wednesday night. all of wednesday was pretty crazy tbh. basically my little sister and I were texting and my sister was just playing with my mom's phone and... found a few things. I can't really talk about it on cs, nor would I feel comfortable openly going on about it if I could. my mom and I have had a lot of trouble getting along for a long time, and especially since I went off to college. this whole thing was pretty much the icing on the cake for me. I could be wrong about what's going through my head and jumping to conclusions. but if I find out I am right, then that's it. I'm never living with my family again.

I told mh about my whole situation which isn't something I generally do, I'm always pretty quiet and keep all my thoughts and feelings bottled up inside. he listened to me and then told me "I'm sorry, hun" and hugged me for a good minute. ...it's care like that that I wish I had back home. (he also teased me about liking him again and I did sort of quietly admit to it. we left the conversation at that. hmm.)

and this doesn't really relate much to the main problem with my mom, but apparently my mom doesn't trust mh either, which is seriously making me mad. mh is one of the nicest people I've met, very honest, a good listener, someone I can trust. she hasn't got any right to judge him as a person when she hardly knows anything about him. she worries that the both of us are going to be up to no good, which is completely stupid for her to think considering she's possibly done things a hundred times worse. if she's going to act in such a way then she has no right to judge me.

ugh, typing that out really pulled a nerve again. I should probably focus on something else now. I asked m about meeting up with her sometime before the next break (exactly 1 week away from now, oh no. I am SO not looking forward to this after the whole ordeal with mom.) she hasn't been very on top of texting back though, she told me we could meet up when she gets off work though she hasn't texted back a day or location.. ha ha… ha. hopefully she does otherwise next time I see her walking around in the building I'll have to talk to her face-to-face about it. meh.

well I think I've said plenty for now. time to head off to lunch, see if mh is there lol. (though if he's already sitting with someone I always leave him alone then, a) because I don't wanna look like I'm clingy or something so I try and give him time with others x'D and b) ...not gonna lie, I do have some pretty bad jealousy issues. I think everytime I've seen him sit with someone it's a girl which just makes me uncomfortable. rivals!!)

alright I'm going now. we'll see what sort of news I deliver next time.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

february 24th, 2019 ♥
-
I stare up at the dark
enveloped in peaceful silence
and my heart is filled with warmth
as you pull me closer to your side.

it makes me smile
as I feel your fingertips
brush through my hair
and settle around my frame.

no words are spoken
nor are they needed,
enough is said
through sense of touch.

I am here in the dark
but I am not alone,
rather I am closer to another
than ever before.

as I contemplate my thoughts
I marvel at the wonder of you
I can't help but feel
I am slowly falling for you.

[Trexxa]

february 24th, 2019 cont. ♥
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an actual entry to go along with the poetry I posted just now...
ye look at that, me writing poetry and I'm not even feeling down, wow what is this. x'D I've got to head to work in a lil over a half an hour, I'm curious as to what's it's going to hold after the... curious events of the last 20 hours. so this is my weekend when I share a shift with mh. and last night was, erm, something else. I work for the dining hall on my college campus and there's a lot of different tasks all of us employees can get tasked to do, what we do that day is pretty much randomly drawn up by the supervisor. so I was tasked with serving food while mh was tasked with doing dishes, but I was told to go help him out once it got close to closing time. so needless to say I waited just a lil impatiently for that time to come and then I practically ran my way back to the dishroom, no joke. x'D

I have no idea what overcame mh last night but god, he was being awfully... open around me. he kept putting his hands on me and making fun of me and we were both practically shouting things at each other over the sound of the dish machine. I erm, wonder what was going through the heads of everyone else there, not gonna lie I was a lil nervous the supervisor was going to separate us lol. one guy eventually DID come over and call mh out.. he told him to "stop flirting and get back to work". omg wow I felt really awkward after that. I had to go clean tables shortly after that and I was kinda glad I did since I was feeling so heckin embarrassed.

after that whole... adventure, mh and I agreed to hang out for the evening again. aaand I ended up staying the night again. unfortunately I didn't sleep so well again lol, thus I ended up writing poetry in my head. he pretty much held me in his arms the whole night. the whole event still seems pretty... surreal to me. never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd have someone like him in my life. I'm so socially awkward, so shy, so scared to act on anything. yet nowadays, he's always there for me. my silence doesn't drive him away, and it makes me so... happy. I think I might be falling in love with him. in the back of mind I'm still so nervous though. what if he doesn't feel the same way? he still hasn't confessed anything about his own feelings to me. surely, if he's willing to hold me the whole night though, then he's got to feel the same? idk. I guess I shall continue to simply see this through.

time to prep for work I guess. I'm so tired, don't regret it though, heh heh… heh. bleh, I'm not looking forward to classes tomorrow. only five days till break though. which I'm not looking forward to much either. (ps, m never texted me back, gah!) well time to go. till the next one.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

february 28th, 2019 ♥
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it's been a terribly busy week to say the least. tons of homework and choir stuff and then I had a piano recital tonight. tomorrow's the last day of class and then it's time for break... I work tomorrow night (no I did not sign up because mh is also working that shift. ..weelll maybe that influenced my decision. only by a small amount though. eue) so there'll be no going home till saturday. that's fine in my book. idk, part of me is actually looking forward to going home, I haven't got to see my cats or any flippin cats for that matter for 2 months, my sis and I have some major catching-up to do, and there is a HUGE pile of things I want to do. catch up on spn season 14, finish my rewatch of black butler, use my drawing tablet, write a lot of fanfiction, read the stack of manga that's been sitting around since christmas.... the other part of me is still in dread though. I've gotten heckin depressed every time I've gone home so far. being around my parents just brings back a ton of painful reminders and I'm just not... happy. not the way I am around here, where I have l, and mh, and m, three so-supporting people I don't know how I managed without. (oh! wednesday I ran into m (more like I saw her walk by and I chased after her looking for answers after she never responded to my text x'D >.>) and we chatted for a bit! I told her about mh and she legit said she'd been wanting to pair us up for months, she just didn't want to push us to be together though like, wut. XD she said she's always thought we'd be a great match and she was ecstatic. that's great that I have her support. now if I only knew for complete sureness that mh likes me in that way...)

mh just went to bed. we haven't hung out a lot this week, apart from eh... monday, I think? wow more time has passed then I realized. o-o either he's been busy or I've been busy and it's just not been the most fun week. we've sat together at lunch and dinner nearly every time though and of course we text all the time. I wonder if he'll text me as much over break? if he doesn't I won't push him to, I know how close he is to his family (lucky guy). ...though I might casually start conversation if like 3 days of silence pass. x'D
OMG I just realized I forgot to take my sheets out of the dryer. I'll be back.
they are literally just ever-so-slightly damp. >_> welp back to typing since I won't be going to bed too soon. anyway. like I said, busy week. piano recital went well tonight. I do still really love to get up on stage and perform even if I changed my major from music and haven't been feeling piano so much the latest few months. idk, I just love putting myself out there. being on stage is like my way of being the center of attention... without having to say anything. my music says it all for me, as I get to pour my heart out in a song. ...that sounds like a nice poem idea. sigh. anyway, that's why I chose to major in music in the first place, just because of how much I loved that feeling. turns out majoring in music would most likely do nothing for me though. the things I dislike about the music program definitely outweigh the feeling from performing. it's kinda sad, but oh well. we can't have it all. I'll just have to cherish the few performances I have had and do have left.

I'm kinda looking forward to tomorrow. classes should be easy, then I'm having a paper graded at 3pm, I'm fairly confident in it though, professor literally adores my work and I've never gotten less than a 94% from her (and that was my first paper!). then I'm going to try and get my truck outta the parking lot, I'm kinda worried about how that's going to go considering the massive amount of snow as of late. x'D hoping if I do get stuck I can convince mh to lend me a hand. don't see why he wouldn't, heh. then it's work and then I gotta tell him goodbye for... how many days? seven, I think?? idk, depends if I'll have to work the following weekend. I'm gonna miss seeing him every day. I adore him so much.

okay, I should probably stop rambling on here. (as I mentioned in the beginning, I am hard to silence when it comes to any form of typing. probably why the english professors love me lol.) it's getting late so hopefully my sheets are done enough now.
idk if I'll write one or many of these up at home. depends entirely on how I feel, I guess.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 5th, 2019 ♥
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been a bit since I last made one of these I see... longer than I thought actually. so yeah I'm home on break. watching my sister do homework. hooray. meh, I haven't accomplished nearly as much as I would've liked since I got back despite me being bored out of my mind most of the time... idk, my motivation level is just ultimately nothing every time I'm home.

so past few days have been alright I suppose. work on friday turned out to not be the greatest, I didn't really get to hang with mh and I guess I was hit with the depressing reality that I was about to leave for a week. then afterwards I somehow got worked into helping mh pack to which I was just like okie. X'D (I'm doing this on mobile for the first time and it wanted to correct mh into his actual name rofl.)

everything else has been meh like I said. we visited my grandparents over the weekend and when they asked about my summer plans I kinda... dropped my interest on staying at college over the summer. surprisingly everyone was totally cool with it??? well k then looks like that's settled then.. now I just need to decide if I do want to work on campus or somewhere else in the area, I can only live on campus if I choose to work there. so if I want to make a little more by working elsewhere then I just come up with an alternate housing plan. o-o well, time to start asking around....

mh has also, believe it or not, continued to text me quite frequently since I got back. he didn't at all the first day on saturday so I figured maybe he wouldn't then and so I let him be. much to my surprise he texted to see how I was doing when I was at my grandparents the next day though! honestly I'm quite thankful he's keeping in touch. makes being home a whole lot better, I don't feel so isolated and alone knowing he's there to reach out to. I wish I could tell him that, alas I'm too afraid of opening up too much though.

well I should probably go. mh and I might play a game together later (he finally convinced me yesterday to buy his game he's been going on and on about for weeks... >.>) we'll see, he might be too tired tonight as he's working till pretty late. tomorrow probably for sure though. not sure if I'll write another of these over break, we'll see.
till the next time.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 10th, 2019 ♥
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so I just got back to campus about 2 hours ago weee. thought about writing one of these yesterday but was just too lazy to get around to it. xP I should also probs be doing my writing assignment which is due tomorrow but nahh… I'm feeling way too hyper to do something as boring as that lol. mh texted and asked if I want to come over and help him unpack when he gets back in less than an hour and now I'm feeling incredibly hyped to go do this. XD well rip there goes accomplishing all my homework. good thing I don't have classes tomorrow (2 of my professors are going on week-long trips which means no formal class! I'm still baffled by the coincidence that both of them are going on week-long trips at the same time LOL), I can do the work then I guess. yeah I know great that I'm sacrificing work to hang out with friends. oh well I'm so enthusiastic I don't really care, I'm sure I'll be fine. x'D

hmm, besides that. the rest of time at home was fine I guess, nothing terrible really happened, no intense sadness like previous times home so all was pretty well. mh and I talked a loooot the rest of the week. we spent like all of wednesday on the computer playing games. did kinda the same thing thursday and friday. talking to him over the phone and discord was good, kinda helped me fight my extreme anxiety of talking over the phone/using voice chat.... kinda. as I said before I'm really thankful I had him to talk to over this break, made it so much more enjoyable compared to my other breaks. now he wants to hang out with me the moment he gets back ayeee

well I honestly can't think of much else I should say. I hope I seem m at some point this week, a) cause I haven't seen her in like 2 weeks and I miss her like crazy, and b) cause I want to tell her that I'll be staying here this summer. part of me's kinda hopeful she'll suggest I come stay at her place this summer, because that. would. be. freaking. AWESOME. ...I have my doubts though, she hasn't really talked about me staying over since I stayed at thanksgiving break oof. never know till you ask though. (I'm also going to fish around and see what mh is up to this summer. doubt even more that he'd offer up me staying with him but like I said dunno till you say something though....) hopefully I'm able to work out something for this summer and soon though, even if it does end up just paying to stay here on campus. whatever it ends up being is better than staying home all summer, sorry family.

well mh should be texting soon I think, yay yay yay. I should check on my laundry too now. see ya around.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 15th, 2019 ♥
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well it's a friday evening and I'm bored. eh... trying to decide if I should get an early start on monday's assignments though there's really not much to do, or practice piano (gotta do that before 8:30 cause... reasons x'D) or just hang out for roughly an hour before I go eat. mh is working tonight, I asked him where at but he hasn't replied yet, meeeh. I walked by the place when I got out from choir and saw him eating with a girl I know semi-well. y'know I honestly have the WORST jealousy issues, it's terrible. like, I see him sit with anyone besides myself and my mind is instantly like "uh-oh, what if he likes them, what if they become good friends, what if he starts inviting them over instead, what if he becomes less interested in talking to me, what if I get cast away, what if---" and it just goes on and on. >_< I know that, most likely that is not the case, and I most certainly would never be replaced like that. but ugh, I just can't stop myself from thinking like that. it was the same with m when she used to work there and I'd see her nearly everyday. if some other girl came and sat down beside her I'd go mad. I think part of why I'm like this is simply because prior to college, I really had no friends I was close to. now that I finally have people I care about, and who also care about me, I'm terrified of them slipping out of my reach. sigh.

this first week back has been alright, honestly pretty busy though. I had a lotta homework most days and had to be wary of how I managed my time. wednesday was my birthday though, and that turned out pretty swell. there was three particular things I wanted to happen on my birthday... and they all happened without me needing to ask omg. I hoped m would text me and she did, mh also told me "happy birthday hun" which really warmed my heart. I also really, really wanted to hang out with mh that evening since all other plans I had kinda fell through. (back in january I wanted to devise a trip out to eat with m and l, though I haven't seen m in person in sadly over two weeks and I wanted to ask her in person after the... last failed text attempt. >.< l has also been pretty busy and... I'll admit the nature of our relationship has changed since we agreed to be roommates. we don't laugh and chat as much as we used to, she's always hanging out with her friend that I dislike and I'm always with mh.) so I went to eat supper and found mh sitting alone aye, was terrified he wouldn't be and then - (MH TEXTED! oh yay he's working beverages, not in the dishroom so I can go pester him when I go to eat. x'D back on topic.) -that'd kick in my jealousy issues. >.< but nope, I sat with him and then I didn't even have to ask, he told me I was free to come over heck yeee. so we hung out for like 5 hours straight then, my mom called to wish me a happy birthday while I was over so I answered and then mh was picking on me while I talked to her and we got into this funny conversation. xD then mh and I were totally messing around - he stole my phone and I chased him in circles around his room LOL. then he threated to pick me up and haul me out of the room and I told him he wouldn't dare, so he actually DID IT. XD it was a hilarious night lol and a good birthday after all, despite it being the first year I got no cake, no gifts and no party with my family.

eh... was there a whole lot else I wanted to say? I feel like I've typed a whole book by now... nah, I can't really think of much else. don't know if I'll really get to hang out with mh this weekend, since he works every single day. he's also had serious trouble sleeping the whole week so I don't wanna bother him too much. x( ...it sucks, part of me feels like I come off as annoying if I'm texting him and coming around too often. yet I'm also so fond of him. all I want to do is be around him. (by the way, nope, still haven't gotten anywhere in figuring out how he feels about me. half of me thinks it's a good thing, to take it slow, and also take it safe. the other half of me is dying to figure out the truth though, ughhh. I know for sure I have feelings for him now. sometimes I have such a desire to hold his hand, and snuggle up beside him, but if he doesn't feel the same way... then I can't. but what if he does? but... ugh.) yeah, now that I got that off my chest. eh, maybe I'll do some homework later tonight if mh doesn't wanna hang out. I'll do piano right after I eat. really should go eat in like twenty minutes or so now anyway. well, till the next time.
-trexxa