trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

april 25th, 2023 ♥
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typing up one of these bc honestly I'm like. bored out of mind and need to find some way to entertain myself for a good 40 minutes yet. soo. :')

I hoped I'd have some exciting updates to give at this point but uhh... honestly not a whole lot has happened since last entry. that place p3 and I applied to ended up not getting back to us for almost 2 weeks. only to inform us that in that time we waited the place we were looking at was taken, and essentially there were no more openings till june. bruh. so p3 and I went on more tours and found another place, which HOPEFULLY we hear back from there in a timely manner. we applied saturday. it's now tuesday. .___. which isn't much time... but still has me nervous. also, if we do get it we're probably not moving in officially till mid-may now, UGH. this is my last week of class and other than having to pick up a physical project after it's been graded next week... I have literally nothing to do then. I am going to be soooo boreeeedddd. ;_;

...but anyway. the end of the semester has me feeling a little weird. on one hand, I'm going to miss physically being in class, it's really not that bad. on the other I really wish I could just be graduated though. I should've graduated last year, I am forever going to have to live with the embarrassment of not completing my degree in the nicest and most timely manner when the rest of the family did. and I just want to be done - I want to have a job in my field, I want to start saving for my future. I just want to be normal, really.

...my job hunt has been going... ok? idk, that one place I didn't like turned me down which I wasn't surprised about, the interview felt like a wreck e_e but now they literally just texted and said they have another opening and were wondering if I want to interview for that. I said "yes" bc I don't have anything and obviously I need something. I kinda hope I don't end up there though, the vibe was definitely mediocre. I'm not feeling overly concerned right now though. mostly worried about finding a place first, and then this'll become the priority.

in other news. spent all evening with my sister yesterday, since p3 had a late night meeting so he just stayed at a hotel there. (second time he's had to that. makes me real envious when he does it though. wish I could leave our place behind and stay at someplace nice for a night. =_=) which was kinda fun, but ofc she always has gossip to tell me that kinda puts a damper on life. for easter my mom basically forced p3 and I to go to my stepdad's family's house. and ig from the small encounter we had my stepdad's whole family decided they don't like p3? like, ok then?? p3 hardly even talked the whole time, apart from when my sister forced him into conversation, but apparently that was enough for them to make judgement of his entire character. which is super annoying and honestly quite insensitive of them. and yeah, apparently my stepdad is still real mad about what transpired several weeks ago now and it doesn't sound like he's ready to forgive anytime soon. that and he just is annoyed by p3's demeanor in general. and yes, I'm aware p3 sometimes says a little more than he needs to. I was initially hesitant of him too because of it. but that's not a reason to label him as a bad person. my stepdad needs to realize he's not going anywhere. if he doesn't like him, then whatever. I'm glad we'll be moving soon, and won't be so close to their place anymore. we haven't hung out in weeks now, ever since the incident, and honestly I'm a little glad, while it was fun in october everything we did together after that honestly felt super forced. I'm ready to go off and be my own person, and they can have their own opinions, but at the end of the day I make my own calls. ...speaking of which I might call my mom soon though, despite this mess she is still my mom and I kinda should give her some life updates.

anyway. I've wasted just about enough time now. I'm uh, going to go over to my place of work after this. I gave my manager notice I was moving, but then last friday I... decided not to go to work bc p3 and I had to go view the apartment. also I absolutely lost my temper the friday before when I had to work and I just. really did not wanna be there. :')) but then they couldn't contact me about it either since I have a new number and I think the manager was afraid I ditched forever. bc I was supposed to work today as well but then that disappeared on me. sooooo. I'm hoping I don't run into the manager which is why I'm wasting time, but I wanna go make proper goodbyes to the one coworker I was supposed to have my last day with today, as I genuinely came to really like working with them.

well, I think that's all for now. hopefully I'll FINALLY have some nice big updates the next time I write.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

may 5th, 2023 ♥
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it hasn't been that long since an entry... but oh man, guess what, I FINALLY have good news to share. x.x

to start, I think either that same day or the day after we heard back about the apartment, and the whole thing turned into a mini mess of its own I'll spare details of, but, in the end we got everything cleared up and now we're set to move in exactly 1 week from now. YAY.

and then - I ALSO GOT A JOB!!! it was the job I most interested in out of the few I applied to, too!! I'll be working for a school and doing paperwork related business, sort of like what I've been doing for my aunt, except I get to be in an office with my own space and I get crazy good benefits. my first real job, and it'll put me in a great position for the future. I am soo happy. :'))

and then another semester of school is over. but I have even more good news there - I've been spending a good chunk of time working with my major's department to transfer more of my previous school credits over. and thanks to our efforts, I am set to graduate THIS FALL. we're meeting again in an hour to go over a few other things. there's a very small chance I could even graduate this SUMMER - but - we'd have to convince the school to let me go 2 credits short of one of the requirements. plus I'd be soooo overwhelmed between summer classes and the new job x.x - next monday is going to be the start of a TERRIBLE 5 weeks - not only will I be starting the new job but I'll have 2 science classes to balance too, omg I'm in utter dread. x.x (literally have no choice there though, my only chance to get those done online (which I have to do) is in the summer. ughhhhh.) so, yeah. part of me just thinks I should settle with the victory I already have and just graduate in the fall. rather than suffer for... 10 weeks. e_e (yo I just looked and they offer 1 of the summer classes in the second session too. maybe I should, uh, split them up then instead of both at once. if I do it that way though then I'd have to deal with mild annoyance for 10 weeks vs suffer for 5 and be free for the other. hmm... e_e) (I can also take it in the fall I see. maybe I should do that if that's the case. v_v then that means I might have to do 4 classes in the fall vs 2 or 3 to finish out. idk. >_< I must debate with the department in a bit here.) (lol reading this back was entertaining. you can just see my whole thought process at work as I made these discoveries.)

uhh, anyway. now that I have all that going on in my brain lol. things have been going pretty good in general besides all that. my mom and stepdad invited me over the other day to help her with some gardening and that was... pretty fun actually? reminded me of when we'd work on the garden together back when I was little. nobody was negative... we just worked hard and had a good time. glad we had the chance to do that, makes things feel a little calmer before I'm moved out of here. also had orientation for the new job yesterday and then ran around the town for awhile afterwards. that was pretty fun too, the more times I go there the more I like it there which is good. all around, things are looking up. good, it was a pretty dark few months there. ugh.

well, I should get going. I kind of want to hurry up and get some shopping done before I've got to go to campus. that way I can hopefully catch my dad home when I go to drop off something for my sister. we've been talking a little bit, so I kinda wanna make sure we also end on a positive note before I move. yeahhh.

well, till the next one.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

may 22nd, 2023 ♥
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it's only been a couple weeks, but man, lots of change during that time.

I'm currently at my new job typing this up rn. :'D so far it's been going pretty well here. everyone's really nice and I don't mind the work I do (I also have like... way more power than I thought?? I thought I'd be just like billing out services like I do for my aunt.. but no?? instead I handle paychecks for like half the teachers? AND I hire them too?!?!) the only thing about the work though is I noticed already it tends to come in waves... some days I'm crazy busy and others... I have time to sit here and type this. and write my current writing project. and do my summer class homework. :')))) which isn't a BAD thing, saves me time when I get home, but I also feel kinda awkward getting paid for... not work esp when everyone else in the department seems so busy. I should get more tasks to do soon I believe, not a lot though.

anyway. and then, obviously, there was the move. that took 2 days to do, and it was kinda frustrating, esp that last day when we were hurrying to finish up (and my mom and stepdad put us MAJORLY behind schedule oml) ...but we got it done nonetheless. our place is ok. I like the apartment itself and the others living in our building seem alright for the most part. some of the people in the surrounding buildings... got me looking forward to living in a house again eventually.

it's also so odd having legit every shopping center, every restaurant, every other need legit like ~5 minutes from where we live. work itself is literally 3 minutes away. I like the convenience but at the same time... I kinda miss driving a little? it's nice having time to play a couple songs on the commute and also to just chat in the car ride when going places with p3... but that's essentially nonexistent now.

other than that... class-wise this is the way things ended up playing out: I'm taking just the 1 class over the summer and then 3 in the fall. and then I'm DONE!! WOO!!!

...I've also been doing a lot of self-reflecting the past week-ish, and it's so wild to stop and think about how far I've come in a year. I thought a lot happened last year. but I was still doomed to school for what I assumed a couple years, I had a dead-end job I'd grown out of and didn't like anymore, I was still living with my parents and didn't see any hope for progressing forward, not in the near future anyway. but now, a year later, here I am. I have a good job, I'm almost graduated, I've finally moved out and I have a good relationship with someone. I've grown so much and ridiculously fast and - I have p3 to thank for a lot of it. he's granted me so many of the opportunities that I've long since hoped for. I am so lucky to have him and owe him more than he'll ever know. again, every day I grow more and more confident about our relationship. and also more of the concerns I had about him have been resolved, which is wonderful. either we talked it out and reached a good agreement, or I finally awakened and stopped seeing it as a big irritating issue when really, I was making a big fuss out of literally nothing. I also feel like I came to realize something about him, something really quite deep that explains... a lot of the way he is. not that I'm ever going to let on I made that realization, I think it'd hurt him too much for him to hear the truth about himself. no, it's something I'll simply keep to myself till the end of time. but something that I must remember to stop and reflect on, the moment he tells me some story about his past or makes some observation that before would cause me to frown at him a little.

chances are we'll probably be married, not that far out here. unless things change, one of us makes a drastic mistake, or we step back and question it as too soon, I wouldn't be surprised if I come back next year and reflect on life again, this time with a ring on my finger. if he asked me today, I'd hesitate a little. but with the course of things, half a year from now? I don't doubt I'll be ready.

I wonder how my family will take it though. I think - hope, anyway, that they realized the moment the drama resolved the way it did those few months ago, our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I have a feeling everyone will grumble about it a little to each other, behind our backs. but no one will make that much of a scene about it. speaking of which, I'm also so glad to be moved away from all that. I've always wanted to be independent. seeing family on holidays, but leading my own life, beyond that. that really shouldn't come as as much of a shock as they make it out to be. I was literally responsible for myself from a young age, and I always accepted that responsibility with open arms.

I'm honestly happy where my life is at rn. which isn't something I've been able to say since... probably that last semester at the old school, back in fall of 2020. even then, there was that dark cloud looming over that entire semester. I knew, even long before it was confirmed, I'd be losing all that. but now? I have a stable job, a stable place to live, a stable relationship, and things only look up on the horizon from here. I'm not living in fear that one day I'll wake up and hear I'm getting ripped back down to square one. how far I've come, over these few years. how far, I'm sure, I'll continue to come.

well, that ended up getting a bit deeper than I anticipated lol. now back to looking like I'm doing work... the lady that's supposed to train me to do another task this afternoon should be back from break in a bit. she seemed kinda... cross when she left though. so I hope it's still on. :')))

well, till the next one...

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

june 15, 2023 ♥
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currently at work again. not much going on today, and I have a couple things on my mind, so figured I'd go over them.

as of today, I've officially been here a month. it's been going alright so far. wish I had more to do though, legit like 4 out of the 5 days of the week I have extensive downtimes where I just sit here and... yeah. ._. they're in the process of changing a lot of things right now, so I'm hoping once that all passes I'll have a lot more to do. regardless, I'm looking forward to bigger and better things.

the same can kinda be said for the apartment. living there has been ok. it's leaps and bounds above what we had before. but p3 and I are at a point we can't spend a lot on furniture so what we have feels really... ehhh... we also could honestly use even more space, I was hoping p3 and I could have workspaces together in the spare room, but he pointed out to me last week we can't even have that and that was a bit disheartening. I cannot wait till the day comes we can have our own house.

I've also been dealing with mild family drama again... yay... lucky me... last week my sis moved out on my father and didn't tell him (or me, for that matter) till the day of. to which her logic for me was that I'm not around much anymore, so that's why she didn't say anything. but like?? really?? anyway...

guess this means I really have cut ties with my father then, now that he really has no attachment to the rest of the family. also he reached out a couple days ago, only bc he was looking to use my photoshop, and that was annoying. like, that's really all you care about? really?

and then I learned from my sister that apparently my mom and stepdad are still talking bad about p3. like, I don't know, I have a really hard time believing my mom actually means all the stuff my sister relays to me. my mom knew p3 for a long while before we got together, she knew the type of character he is, she knew what she could possibly be getting into by giving him the permission to ask me out. I know she's looking out for my best interests, and I know what a fool he made of everything back in march, but he is doing all he can to prove himself. granted, she cannot see that as she isn't the one who spends every day with him now. but... nonetheless. I think she says all she does to simply appease my stepdad. it's crazy to see how much he's turned on p3 in the course of the year, I remember how highly he spoke of him back in october, how much he also wanted to see us together. and now he's acting like p3 is the worst person around. and really, it is not helping me get along with him very much.

I will be honest. I still feel very hesitant around my stepdad. I pretend that I feel like I'm getting more comfortable with him, because I see he makes my mom happy and I want her to be happy. but really, apart from when we all hung out together those couple weeks before p3 and I got together, things have simply always felt... strange. I try my hardest to push it back and be kind for my mom's sake. but I really don't feel normal around him and I'm not sure I ever will. I think he's a good person, I don't get the vibe he'd ever treat my mom wrong. I just... I don't know. and he's really not helping his case, with the way he talks about p3.

I know p3's a little odd. it's kinda awkward listening to him talk with strangers sometimes lol. because he tends not to follow the "social norms" as I know them, says too much, says things that go off "script", if that makes sense. (as someone with trouble socializing, the script is everything... but I know it doesn't have to be that way, and I'm just mildly nuts lol). also his own mental health can be a handful at times. when he gets super hyper fixated on something, it can be a lot to handle. and then, of course, there's his past. and his many mistakes.

but I have said this, and I will say it again. we all make mistakes. some more and worse than others. what separates good people from bad people in all of that, however, is one's capability to look at those mistakes, to recognize where one went wrong, to grow from them and become something better. p3 has grown so much, in just the short amount of time I have known him. that, shows me everything I need to know.

I hope there comes a day where we can all simply get along then. but I am not counting on it. it's unfortunate, but I have made my choice. I'm not leaving p3 just because they don't know what I do, or they're too ignorant to see it.

anyway. tomorrow is the last day of summer school, omg thank god. the class hasn't been that time consuming but still, it got old kinda fast. would be nice to have that 1.5 hours when I get home to do other things. I don't think I would've survived if I had to do 4 classes, ughhhhh. also not looking forward to fall semester. I just really don't want to be a student anymore, especially not now, when the rest of my life feels like I've graduated. but I have to remember this is the last one. I am almost free.

well, till the next one.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 10th, 2023 ♥
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it's been close to a month. boy, it sure has been an interesting month. .__.

most of what I have to talk about is just the continued build-up of stuff from the last entry... work has still been going alright, today was my first day back after a week off for summer break. I had a meeting I think 2 weeks ago now where they finally unveiled what all my responsibilities will look like. unfortunately, not a lot of those have went into action yet (nor will they go into action till like... late august) so. yeahhh. it's great. :')) (it's good to see things will get more lively but rn omgg. somedays I sit there feeling like I'm about to go crazy from the boredom....)

beyond that, tensions have continued to be on the RISE between p3 and my mom and stepdad. most specifically with my mom. I was in huge dread of the family trip to the zoo we had planned for last week because of all it. ofc as I knew deep down though nothing really happened and things were pretty peaceful during it. the next day though... is when everything exploded.

idk if I've mentioned but p3 does a bit of side work for the town next to where we used to live. my mom also does side work for that town, so they still work together a little. well in addition to the personal drama between the two of them my mom... went completely nuts over the past couple weeks and decided she doesn't like p3 on a professional basis either?? so, she decided to go to p3's meeting last week (which she didn't have any business at) and COMPLETELY tear him apart in front of his supervisors. she questioned every choice he has made in his work and also questioned whether he was suited to do the work the town has him doing. that, and in general, just completely humiliated him. I have never seen him that upset as I did that night. and ofc according to my sister, my mom just went home with my stepdad and proceeded to spend her evening relaxing in the living room, looking all smug about the whole thing. calling him immature for getting that upset about it. but like. he had EVERY right to be that upset. she potentially put his position in jeopardy. she called him out for things that don't even make sense, things that aren't her area of expertise even and things he was simply asked to do by his supervisors. and on top of that, she used to be his friend. he considered her to be like his second mother, back before we got together. and now this person he once shared a close friendship to... just completely turned on him. for no, valid, explainable reason. it's not the first time people have turned on him, and I think he got so worked up because it was a tragic reminder of what life was. what life is. how cruel things can be, somedays.

on a similar line, one of our cats - the youngest, who my dad brought home not even a year ago, tragically passed away a few days before all this. :'( her passing honestly hit me the hardest out of any pet passing in a long while. I don't think I've been this sad since my first cat passed away, well over a decade ago at this point. it hit my sister pretty hard as well. and my stepdad... had the audacity to try and make a joke out of it. a joke that completely broke my already upset sister and enraged me the moment she told me about it. he'd already made some "jokes" in the past that really set me off. this, though? nope, that was the last straw. I already mentioned last entry I still wasn't - and doubted I'd ever be - fully comfortable with him in the family. now, as far as I see things, I never will be. he has permanently lost all my respect. (and I think he gathered that, considering we didn't make eye contact once, the whole day we spent together last week).

...it's kind of tough, first having to go through this wave of drama with my dad that caused me to basically cut ties. and now having to go through the sammeeee thing. with my mom. (and stepdad). I don't think any of my parental figures are "bad" people, per say. but they are people with clear flaws, the type of flaws that have a negative effect on others, and it seems like no matter what they never listen nor learn. at the end of the day all they care about is their own interests. after all this now, I don't anticipate speaking much to my mom after graduation. nor speaking to my stepdad... at all. it's kinda sad, especially with my mom. we spent literally almost every day together up till my teens. but now as I've gotten older and distanced myself from her I realize she is not all the fantastic role model and supermom I perceived her as. she's just a regular person. who taught me some good things. as well as a lot of things... to not do myself. I wish she'd stop targeting p3. I still can't exactly figure out why she turned on him either. literally the only thing I can assume is that it is because p3 is now dating her daughter. because the shift literally did not occur until after we got together. if she didn't want us together... WHY did she say yes, when he asked for permission to ask me out? he's not a perfect individual, but none of us are, and if she's concerned about his ability to provide for us, then she needs to stop thinking nonsense. there is nothing poor about his intentions. he and I are just after the same thing. a best friend. someone we can love and trust and spend the rest of our lives with. is that not what she's after, too?

sigh. p3 has another meeting tomorrow, in which he'll find out his fate, after all my mom did to try and tear him apart. guessing he's not going to come home super ecstatic again. I feel confident everything will work itself out in time, though. that's how things have all gone before. in the meantime I just have to... not think about it so much. I need to simply focus on what's right in front of me. we have each other. that's all we need. my mom and her crazy ideas aren't going to hurt us. I won't let them. because I know what I want. and I will always fight for it.

well, until the next one. hopefully I have some better stories for the next one... not just a continuation of all this nonsense.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 21, 2023 ♥
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at work again rn. yippee.

it actually hasn't been that bad of a week for a change. I had quite a few things going on esp mid week. but now it's friday and things are significantly quieter again today. sooo. ._.

not a ton has happened in the week and a half. p3 had another meeting this week and afterwards... my mom and him are magically all good again???? yeahhh, I don't buy that for a minute. he told me he thought everyone was just exaggerating and thinks things are ok now. but I know my mom too well. he doesn't, and never will know her like I do. ig it's better for everyone if we have this sense of "peace" now. but I know better than to assume all is well with it.

and then... my car is having problems again. I had to bring it in last week bc the check engine light was back, which was extremely annoying as it meant I had to take a couple hours off work AND I had to walk all the way back. also, where I went charged me a FORTUNE for labor, so I will NOT be back there. ...and now yesterday, the check engine light is back AGAIN. ?!?!?!!?! I am FUMING about that. I do NOT have the funds to just keep throwing money at this. it doesn't even sound like there IS anything wrong, so I don't know what to think. I'm not bringing it in right away, but I will have to in the next 2 weeks, as I need to pick up my sister so she can stay the weekend.

p3's been saying I'm wasting too much on this car and I need to sell it for like, months now. slowly starting to believe him now. it's so sad, it is one of my dream cars. but it's like it's completely falling apart. I really shouldn't sell it right now, not unless it's an extreme emergency. I still owe so much it would cripple me to trade it for something else now. but, I think I'm going to focus my efforts on paying that off, so... next year, it can go. I'm sad about that. but it will be nice to have a car I can rely on.

oh yeah, and then p3 and I decided last weekend we will be going back to visit his family in just a little over a month from now. it'll be good to see them, but I'm a little nervous about the trip too. I really wasn't enjoying myself the last couple days of that last trip. sigh... I think I just need to relax and not overthink. (also, I found out I'm going to be getting his mom's ring for my engagement ring. that feels really bittersweet and it feels good she trusts me with it. that's got me wondering though.... is this closing in sooner than I think??? y'know, it practically feels like we're engaged already, the way we talk lol. I know when he probably intends to ask, but if it happens sooner, that's alright too. I leave it to him now.)

besides that... been feeling kinda down in general the past 2 days. found out one of my fav fictional characters is going to die in the new season coming out so that's depressing. also sad about my car. hopefully I've at least got a year with it yet... provided it doesn't completely go under before that. that and my general worries are for some reason hitting me hard again. sigh. I wish I could just let go, and trust that things will be fine. I don't doubt anything for a second. it's just... I need to not think so much. I need to recognize and accept that what's in the past is just that, in the past. all we can do with it is learn from it, and, if we carry that confidence with us, nothing in the future can hurt us, either.

well... I have to make one of my last reference calls on a bit here, so I ought to wrap this up. (man I hate that part of the job
;_; I literally do not know how to socialize, I always feel like a weird soulless husk when asking people my questions and reacting to them. -shudder- being human is hard.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

august 8, 2023 ❤️
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figured I ought to pass the time somehow this last hour of work. alas, again I don't have much positive to say which is... greattt. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude though.

so, starting off with the bad... there's still, as I figured, lingering tension between p3 and my mom. and for whatever reason they've had like a million meetings the past couple weeks. so p3 and I haven't had a ton of evenings together lately and then when he does come home I just have to listen to him rant about it. ._. omg, I hate it so much. I literally cannot wait until he's finally ready to cut ties with all of it. not that I'd press him to. it's good side money and I see he's passionate about the work. it's just... with my mom involved... ugh.

my sister stayed with us this weekend and then we brought her back to my mom's on sunday and. I figured since I was there and thinking of it I'd ask about getting her to pay my tuition. and she turned me down as I figured since it was kinda late. BUT. the way she said it. just left such a horrible taste in my mouth. she could've easily just gone "nah I'm a little tired, call me soon though". but instead she just went "...no". in the worst tone ever. idk, I just got the worst vibes from her in that moment. ig I'll call her in like a week then?? she better be agreeable with me then. bc if for some reason... she decides she doesn't want to pay for this final semester... we are done. I'm cutting her out as well. I will never forgive her for burning me like that the first time. I could've been graduated a year and a half ago, and I could be deep into my career already. but no. she ruined that for me. she hurts me like that for a second time? we. are. done.

...the past 2 days p3 and I have also been having some deep, harder conversations. I haven't mentioned but p3's parents own a decent amount of property back where he's from. and p3 really wants to eventually own that property as well. and now his parents are contemplating selling it off. so p3 is now wrestling with whether he should watch it happen. ...or if he should move back and manage the property himself. and I just. I love him so much. but the idea of living in his hometown? horrifies me. between his past, and my fear of our future children reliving his past... it scares me more than anything. I fear we will be horribly unhappy there. between him weighted down by bad memories... and my terrible fear that his old ghosts will resurface... it's just so much. I pray his parents choose to sell and it happens. so that p3 and I can go where we want. so we can be free. it might upset p3 at first - as that property means so much to him - but I think in the long run we will lead so much happier lives.

I'm not gonna lie. all this talk of moving back there has had me, seriously questioning if I really want to commit myself to this. I don't want to commit myself to a life of constant sadness. I have to deal with that enough already. but then again, I don't know. maybe we'd surprise ourselves and do well there. maybe I'd find good success, maybe p3 and I would learn to move on and ahead, maybe our children would turn out completely different from his younger self. in the 9 months we've been together, I've come to care for him so deeply. despite it all it's so hard to imagine a future without him.

so yeah. that's been hard. he asked for my honest opinion last night and I ended up totally breaking down. releasing all the fears I'd been keeping to myself for awhile. still felt very heavy this morning trying to process it all. I'm feeling better this afternoon, though. more optimistic. life is full of huge ups and downs. but even when things are in the lowest, they eventually come back up. things, in the end, will be okay.

...better news time, now? so turns out my car had nothing wrong with it, omg YAY. just a matter of me not clicking the gas cap on tight enough, apparently.... not questioning it though I'm just so glad I don't have to throw my entire bank account at it (for the time being) omg.

work has also been ok. slightlyyy busier some days but still not a whole lot. but soon... in a couple weeks... it should pick up. (conveniently right as classes start too.. lucky me?)

also as I mentioned my sister stayed for the weekend which was nice. it felt so normal having her alongside us. I kinda wish she could live with us, as I miss her company. but alas, though we do come together sometimes, for the most part we lead two very separate lives now.

well, I think that is all I have for now. work is almost up, then I think I might go on a short drive. I haven't taken the car much of anywhere in a while since I thought it has problems for... weeks. well, til the next one.

oh yeah that was the other thing I wanted to talk about (realized while reading this for typos lol). STILL wrestling as well with the question of what it is I actually want to DO career wise going forward. I've been looking at where I could go with this job as I really don't mind what I do. I just wish I could do more and be higher up. but, unfortunately, it seems all outlets require you to be a teacher for some time beforehand. :(( and I just... REALLY do not want that for myself. I've started thinking back to what I always wanted. getting more involved in design and creative writing. but it's SUCH a slim market. I'd have to fight so hard to even get in and then it's not like I'm making a ton either. am I really willing to commit to that? ...I don't know but I sure hope I know soon. I'm, hopefully, getting married soon here. I can't be searching for myself forever. sigh, I feel like I need a sign. thrown in my face. telling me this is what I 100% should do.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

august 17, 2023 ♥️
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back again. and uh, I'm afraid to report this entry really doesn't get much cheerier. in fact I have to deliver the worst news yet.

so, um. yesterday... p3 lost his job. he was on a 6-month probationary period and this was the final week of those 6 months. and they decided, they just weren't satisfied enough with the work he'd done. ...I knew he was struggling a bit with the job. he'd come home often and mention how he felt a little nervous about it. but he seemed to be getting along well with his supervisors, so him getting fired? was the last thing on my mind.

so. now I have to be the main provider for a minute. which is awful, if something emergency comes up then I have trouble providing for just myself. he's already been applying to a bunch of different places... but. it took him 5 months just to find this one.

he's also made it clear that. chances are extremely likely he will not find anything in this area. so we have to move. again. which is a little frustrating. I'm not majorly in love with my job. but I was really planning to have it for 1-2 years so that I could build up that experience for the resume. now I have to go back to the drawing board. and maybe this is an opportunity to get into a field I actually want. but still. experience here would be a help with that. graduating first would also help.

I think there's an extremely high chance now we will end up going back to his original home. and idk, weirdly after I talked to him about it and got it off my chest I'm far less frightened by the prospect. still slightly scared of his past catching up to us, but... less so. I think there'd also be more security there in these hard times. his mom could help us immensely. give us a place to live. give us work if need be. but he seems, interestingly enough, less inclined to go back after this. he's greatly bothered by the idea of having to lean on his family. and I get it, I do.

I think p3 was also FULLY convinced when he told me that I was going to leave him. but... no? I'm not mad or disappointed in him. I think he was hit by bad luck, he wasn't the person they were looking for. and it's unfortunate, but things don't always go the way we want them to. I'm a little irritated that we can't stay long enough for me to get a year or at least graduate. but... even if I left him I couldn't keep this job, because I'd have to move back with MY family. ;_; unless I found someone to room with but I highly doubt that would happen. looking at it from an opportunity perspective my best chance at success is STILL with him, even with this hole in the road. and, you know, I love him.monday we talked about getting engaged now, when we go visit his family in 2 weeks. but well, I guess that's getting postponed now. hopefully it still happens in december.

anyway. beyond that. my car is acting up AGAIN. OMG. I'm hoping it's just the gas cap again... but I messed with it again and the light hasn't shut off yet. if it's not gone by tomorrow evening I bought a code reader so I'll figure out the problem myself. please be the gas cap. but erm, if it's not, well I guess I have p3's car now so... not a huge deal...

work has also been either insanely busy or insanely boring and absolutely no in-between. yesterday and this morning were so busy I thought I was gonna lose my mind. but now this afternoon hit and again... silence. ugh, why can't it just be steady?

also resorted to texting my mom about tuition. ofc she's not said anything yet. if she doesn't text back by tomorrow evening I'll call. she better help me out. like c'mon. I registered for graduation today, let me have my diploma. I certainly can't pay for it myself now that I have 2 people to support... I'm also not looking forward to her finding out about p3. I'm not telling her. not uh, till after she's paid anyway. her and my "stepdad" were always joking about him getting fired. and now it happened. and I'm sure she's gonna laugh and say "told you so". and encourage me to get out of that situation and come back.

but no. I am not living with her, I'm not staying anywhere near that town again. it is not happening. I'm gonna fight for what p3 and I have. the next couple months might be incredibly challenging and incredibly frustrating. but one way or another things will work out.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

august 24, 2023 ♥️
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I don't know why it is, but life seems to be most miserable when there's a glimpse of better things on the horizon. more miserable than if there was no hope at all.

sigh... I don't have many updates for this since it's only been a week, though I just felt like putting some thoughts out there. so.

I finally talked to my mom about tuition last night. and what do you know! she told me she can't afford it rn! she always knows just how to phrase it too, so that there'll just be that little glimmer of hope, so that I don't completely rage. she told me we should both work on putting what we can towards it, and you know, hope it works out. ._. but let's be real here. she's not going to put much down. maybe a little bit when we get down to the deadline and I press her a bit.

so I told p3 about it and. he was FURIOUS. and he told me. there might be a chance his family would pay for it. but that they would expect my mom to pay them back. which, uhm, I don't see my mom going along with. and at first I was like no way, the LAST thing I want is to be in debt to his family. but after contemplating it more I- budgeted and I straight up cannot afford to pay what's owed myself. like, I'll have negatives. so it's either I "graduate" but they have a hold on my diploma for a bit. or I try for another loan. ;_; or, I see if p3's family would help and I have to live with that burden. any way you look at it, the situation is awful. and at first I didn't really feel much because I'd been honestly expecting it. but no, he's right. she did this to me... again. tried to sugarcoat it so it doesn't look like she's flat-out burning me. but no, that's still what she's doing. ...I'm never promising my kids anything I can't keep. this is ridiculous.

anyway. I've been feeling incredibly down all week. because like I said above, idk why, it is the WORST when I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's so far away, and idk when I'll reach it. and here we are again. in that same stupid boat as I was at the start of this year. classes have started too now and they were incredibly overwhelming at first. so much reading. so many lecture videos to watch. ...today though I feel like I have a rhythm and I think going into next week it'll be better. but between p3 being out of a job and class my desire to work here has absolutely been crippled. I know I'm not gonna be here for nearly as long as I thought, and now I have my degree to prioritize... so really, what is even the point?

we are also trying so hard to get staffed up before school starts here and it feels like a terrible neverending battle. I'm in charge of setting up interviews/doing reference checks but only sometimes? the communication is terrible between departments... also, I'm deeply annoyed by this - yesterday 15 minutes till I was off my shift I was doing... some other work, forgot what something related to staffing though, when my one coworker called asking if i had time or if she should call to set up interviews for some applicants that just came in. and I said I was just finishing up some other work so if she could I'd appreciate it. well yeah then my boss came down this morning, asked what other "project" I was working on and if she approved it. so I showed her the other thing I'd been doing and then I got a slight lecture on how the staffing should be top priority and I should ignore everything else. ...bruh, my coworker said she had time and she could do it. why'd she proceed to call me out like that. so yeah that has me mad. guess I really can't rely on anyone. guess I've just got to just agree to literally everything and have no say. it's fineeeee.

p3 has a couple interviews today. I really do not have any hopes up though as I still clearly remember how many he went through last time. I'm so glad we're leaving on our trip next week as I think I might completely break if that getaway wasn't there.

tl;dr I despise my current life circumstances and I cannot wait to get out of here and leave it all behind. I'm disappointed this is how that big move ended up playing out for us. but I knew being here was temporary. just a shame it had to be this short and this much of a disappointment.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

september 12 2023 ❤️
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oh wow, a lot has happened since my last entry. also been longer than I thought since I last put something here. life has been... all over the place the last couple weeks. but uhm at least I have some positives to share.

so, first up, the same day p3 and I left on our trip he got a call. he got offered a job, and in the same place he and I talked about moving to since the start of our relationship!!! his start date is october 23rd. but yeah that means we have to pack up and move halfway across the country now. and that has generated its own fun series of bumps in the road already.

but I'll start with the trip. I had a good time which was a relief. apart from the part where I got COVID... but yeah. :')) I started feeling funny about halfway though the trip but managed to pull through. we did all sorts of fun stuff with his parents. also had some serious conversations with them about our future and the move and money. I actually felt really sad to go home, because I felt we all had such a good connection. and I envied not having that with my own parents. but... that's a sad topic for a different time.

but yeah I was pretty sick for a week straight. I wasn't able to go back to work until yesterday. which it was kinda nice to have that getaway but I'm also glad to be out of the house again. but yeah, now I have a 2-week notice to deliver to them on friday. I feel mildly guilty about it, I'll admit. everyone else has such an enormous workload that I'm now going to have to throw back on them. I know certain coworkers who are going to be devastated by the news. the people I work with for the most part are all very good people. it was just... I got bored here, and feel like there's zero potential. I need to push for more. and this move will let me do that.

going back to the bumps in the road... the moving costs are pretty harsh and p3 has repeatedly gotten frustrated with them. he also got into a HUGE argument with his mom about certain decisions regarding how to go about the move. and then, I told my family this weekend about what's happening. my grandma was super cool about it, she told me I should go out there and do this, and that she regretted not doing something like that and living in the same place forever. which is not what I want to end up like, at all. but my mom... telling her proceeded to be the most tense phone call I've ever had with her. (oh yeah. I told her that p3's mom is going to pay my tuition (we worked that out over the trip too) and she laughed at that and proceeded to go on about how when she was in school, she had to pay it all herself and bla bla. the same talk I've gotten many a times. I think she severely fails to realize how much it truly costs to live in the world these days. and why would she even tempt me with the offer of paying if she truly believes I should handle it?? why string me along forever??)

but yeah. my mom called me again last night to try and talk me out of it. bc apparently her one coworker at the city called to tell her that p3 lost his job and that's the actual reason we're moving (I wasn't gonna tell her, I decided). and that apparently he was "concerned" about me. ... she tried to convince me that p3 is basically one huge walking red flag and that I shouldn't make this commitment, that I should just move back in with her. and now today she's texting too trying to convince me to at least let p3 go live there himself for a little while and then get back together with him.

listen, p3 is not perfect. our relationship has its ups and downs like any relationship. but none of the downs have ever really crushed us to the point I've stopped to wonder what I'm actually doing with him. yes, I have reason to be concerned that the same thing might happen again and he might not succeed in this position either, but he understands that as well and I am confident he is going to try harder. much harder, as this is close to his dream job. it's unfortunate I have to leave my own position so soon, but I have a decent history of staying at places before and now I'll have a degree handy too. if I leave p3 then I have to move home and literally start at square one. AGAIN. I already had to do that 3 yrs ago. my mom has made a continuous mess of my life and has continuously set me back. I would rather take the risk by moving with p3, and actually get to live a life, rather than sitting in my mom's basement for god knows how long this time. if p3 and I really do fail, I have things to fall back on. I am sick and tired of my mom trying to demonize all my choices in life, when taking her advice has only knocked me down in failure. she is going to be angry with me for a long while for making the decision I am, but as I said. I would regret more if I moved back and never got to experience this than if I did.

sigh... half an hour till lunch. I still have quite a bit of work to do but I'm catching up so decided to burn some time on this. here's to hoping for continued better things in the future.

-trexxa
(edit, oh hey, post 100... I need to find better hobbies...)