trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

october 23rd, 2022 ♥
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well, I am back again. and uhhhhh, lemme just say I have some real interesting updates for this one lol.

well, I'll just start by getting it out of the way. remember that guy who works for my mom I brought up last entry? ...well. he's my boyfriend now.

that probably sounds so random if you've happened to read through at least a few of my entries before this one. maybe less random if you look at the start to all that wild mh drama, but definitely random if you look at the past two-ish years.

but... well... for some proper context, I've known this guy - we're gonna call him p3 - has been interested in me for a loooong while. my mom said he liked me from the first time we met, which was... last summer, I believe. I never was interested in him though really. I thought he talked a lot - a LOT a lot, and had some kinda weird interests, and was verryyyy guilty of oversharing.

but idk dude. like I mentioned last entry, I had a LOT of fun hanging out that one weekend. and we've proceeded to do stuff as like a "family" every weekend since then. I realized I was kinda starting to feel something towards him - it was that same feeling that I haven't felt since getting to know mh. but I kept shrugging it off since... I overthink and hesitate all around.

his birthday was on thursday, so his mom flew down to see him, and we agreed that all of us would get together for dinner on friday. I was already nervous about that, since I heard she's strict and, well, I wanted to make sure she had a great first impression of me - as his friend, if nothing else. but then when my sister and I got to my mom's house friday afternoon she pulled me aside and said - he was planning to ask me out, if things went well between me and his mom. O_O omg I was PETRIFIED. between my "regular" anxiety and the anxiety of meeting her and then THAT I was basically on almost shutdown mode till we went...

but we went and his mom really liked me. I thought she was ok too, despite still mega-intimidating me lol. we'd been sitting so it was him, his mom, my mom, my sister, me, and my mom's bf - but then halfway through the dinner my mom's bf made us all switch so it was me next to p3. O_O again, thought it was the end of me. but after a minute or so I managed to pull myself together lol and just talk with him - and then, yeah, very casually in the middle of our conversation he asked me out. and, as you've certainly gathered, I said yes. because... well... I was aware I did feel something for him, and I was curious. I hoped at the very least it'd give me some answers, esp about where I lie on the aro/ace spec I'm fairly positive I'm on.

originally we weren't going to go out till next weekend, but his mom left earlier than he expected - so... we went out yesterday. and yeah, I'd say the date went well lol. and towards the end of it he asked me... if he could be my boyfriend. and - even though I feel like it's all a little fast, I said yes.

because my GOSH ok even being aro/ace spec I've realized I really do long to be close to someone. I reached that conclusion a few months ago when I realized indeed how unsatisfied I was with my life, not having someone I shared a deeper bond than just a friendship with. ever since mh I've tried so hard to convince myself otherwise - thinking I'm just kinda confused, and that work and friends alone are enough to complete me. but a tiny voice in me has always known that isn't necessarily the truth. (ofc, I'm a bit concerned how me being aro/ace spec might affect us, but I also realized it might be way less of a problem than I initially feared. at some point, I'll need to come out - but I really don't think that'd be what could end us one day).

so. yep. for the first time in my life, I'm taken. :')

I'm still at my mom's bf's house waiting on my sister. my mom's gone out to do some work with - well, my boyfriend, lol, wonder how their conversation's going. doubt it's that awkward though, my mom has been wanting us to get together since the very start. I'll see him again on friday, I think we might go to the zoo as well on saturday.

in other news... school's going fine. spanish is honestly probably my favorite class now LOL. the teacher has us work in pairs and/or groups every single day. also we had to memorize all our classmate's names the first day, and because of that - there's definitely now this strong sense that we all know each other. and the best part is? every single one of us gets along, too!! some of my fav people from the class are mk - he's actually this retired guy who wanted to learn something new, and then ac, who I share another class with and a bunch of other common interests as well. and then o, who I sit next to - originally I didn't like them very much because they also talk so, SO much lol - but now that we've had time the past two months I really like spending time with them. think I might ask them soon if they wanna hang out outside of class someday, and I also can't wait to tell them about p3 tomorrow. x'DD

and yeah, otherwise... it's just been classes, evening work for my aunt, and then this place, on the weekends. it's alright though, I don't mind the routine. also I have a concert with my choir on sunday and I'm really not excited about that. idk why but choir has been making my anxiety spike SO much. I don't really like the group in general either. very, very much considering withdrawing from the course. but I'm going to meet with my advisor first since I want to be positive it won't harm my overall grade in any way. otherwise it's 100% not worth and I just need to tough out the last month and a half.

well... mom said I can help myself to whatever's in the fridge before I go, so gonna go check that out now lol. so curious about what p3 and my mom are up to, I was really tempted to go with and see him again before I go but... well, also tryna restrain myself. idk lol I've never really had a real relationship before and I'm also not exactly normal in general ok. we're already moving fast and I don't wanna... get us burnt out right away? is that possible? that was one of mh's things though - he got fed up with me for not giving him enough space. but what's too much space and what's too little?? should I just talk to p3 about it? is that weird? aaa! idk, I hope it will all fall into place.(and also, I hope to god if we do fall out that things stay peaceful. I really, REALLY value this "family" dynamic we have going between all of us. it'd be hard to lose that.)

ok, I'm going to stop talking now. wish me luck navigating this interesting, rather unforeseen new chapter of my life. till the next one!!

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

november 14th, 2022 ♥
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here I am, back at this thing again...

life sure has been interesting the past couple weeks. not like a bad interesting, just... interesting.

to start off, p3 and I are still going well so far lol. I've been spending each entire weekend at his place since we got together. both this week and the last I was there thursday night through till monday morning. so far we haven't managed to get sick of each other yet lol. I usually feel a bit conflicted by monday... I don't exactly want to leave but the introvert in me also starts begging for some time alone with my thoughts lol. it's been nice getting to know him more though. he has a few flaws, some beliefs that don't exactly fit mine, but absolutely nothing that's going to break the relationship for me. he's very laid back and understanding. he might talk a lot lol but he's also good at being quiet and listening to me when I've got something to say. (that was a thing with mh... at times I didn't always feel he was paying attention. I'll never forget that one day he got really irritated and told me "that's the issue with women. they always remember everything". (edit - now that I think of it I think this comment was directed at my telling him my issues with the "birthday incident". bruh. .___.) I don't remember everything. I choose to remember what I think is important. you should be listening and remembering things about your friends and significant others. if it benefits you in any way, you ought to remember. that's why I remember precisely what you said, mh. because it taught me something important about your character. and what I don't want out of another person. someone who isn't going to listen and tell me off for doing so. .___.)

that rant aside lol. I can tell p3's pretty serious about me too. the other day he started talking about the future. about what we might want to do a year from now. he talked about potentially moving. I won't talk about it much from there as I know very well now plans change, people change, things don't always work out. I hope p3 and I are able to last. it's nice to finally - FINALLY have someone in my life who I feel something for and they actually reciprocate those feelings. I know I'm good for him for many reasons, and I believe he's good for me as well. but... really, only time will tell. for now we ought to take things one day at a time.

on a similar topic. the relationships with my family sure have been... interesting, as well, as a result of all this. I think my relationship to my mom and her bf (js) has become even stronger from dating p3. we feel so interconnected now, and in a lot of ways, I feel like I now can relate to and sympathize with her situation. granted, I don't have kids and didn't exactly get stuck in some tough prior relationship issues lol, but... we've fallen for similar people in the same town, and now our relationships with other family members got strained in the process, and home... now isn't the same anymore either.

last weekend p3 and I went over to my mom's and js' and hung out there for a bit with my grandma as well. p3 was being super affectionate towards me while we were there lol and I'm not entirely certain how my grandma felt about it... she's said she likes p3 but I think it caught her off-guard a little how we're now suddenly together. she seemed awfully cautious at first but warmed up a little towards the end. meanwhile js who'd been poking fun at p3 and I so much and trying to get us together since we started the weekly "family" hangouts just keeps giving me that knowing smirk every time I see him lol. js has really grown on me by the way. things finally no longer feel awkward around him. I've seen how happy - GENUINELY happy he makes my mom, and he's proven himself to me over these weeks that he's a good caring person. now I feel like I can talk to him like any other family member. and my mom, of course, is just fine with p3 and I. she was the one who wanted it all along after all, lol.

then on the other side of the family... my sister and my father. my sister has been rehearsing for a school play for weeks now. she literally had rehearsal every day but sunday, all the way till 9 at night for the past several weeks. so she's been unable to come stay at my mom's and js'. and with me staying at p3's so long we really haven't seen much of each other. which has generated a bit of this weird tension between us. I'm not sure how she really feels about p3. sometimes she says it's fun having him around. other days she claims he's nothing but a nuisance and is irritated we're now dating. I don't think her only contact with family being my father the past like three weeks is helping the situation. it's a little disheartening. for years - we were each other's only company. we literally know everything about the other. not even my going off to college the first time separated us. but now... now that I've got p3 and she's got this love of acting and this enormous friend group at school we're getting pushed apart. I hope this distance doesn't continue to grow. she means a lot to me and it'd hurt immensely if we fall out entirely as we progress through our older years.

as for my father, I haven't spoken to him in like... over a week. yikes. idk if he's absolutely hating my guts now or if he's just hesitant to approach these days. either way, between him and my sister, it's made coming home feel real awkward. but p3's place doesn't necessarily feel like home yet, either. I kinda feel like I don't have a home right now. only places to sleep on different parts of the week. like I said, feeling like I can relate to my mom now. she probably understands this feeling better than anyone. (oh yeah - my sister and my mom are also falling out too. I can see it in this family groupchat we have. the two were just tearing on each other all of yesterday evening. their argument was the whole reason I opted to stay till monday morning again at p3's. if I went home I'd just have to listen to my sister's rants and/or deal with the awkward silence some more... my sister's play was this weekend though. p3 and I went to it. my sister was being really wild with her friend group when we went to congratulate her, it was really awkward. apparently she treated my mom and js in a similar fashion when they went the night before and it was a major spark to the drama between the two. but anyway, since it's over that means my sister is going to mom and js' this weekend. boy oh boy, I'll be hiding at p3's most of the time, I'll say that much. I bet they're going to have such a fun time together...)

anyway. man oh man this is shaping up to be one of my longest posts yet. I'll try and be brief about everything else lol. class has been going fine, save for creative nonfiction, where I'm basically at my wit's end with the teacher. >:( otherwise I'm enjoying the other three classes. o and I have established good relations with a literal third of the class and we all just sit and catch up every day for fifteen minutes till class starts lol. I also withdrew from choir - performing that day wasn't that bad, my anxiety was better once the actual performance started as I do genuinely enjoy that aspect. but... with the anxiety persisting in practice, and several other annoying aspects of it, and the fact withdrawing would do nothing to harm me I decided I'd be better off just doing it. (really not regretting it today lol - it snowed sooo much and I cannot IMAGINE having to move my car and then walk to and from it tonight. I'm also not looking forward to going home due to that. ;_; I'm still petrified about driving in snow after the incident in january... I stg my truck is literally the worst in it too, I think because it's so old stuff sticks and it makes me slide easily when I'm accelerating. it's SO scary. I wish I had better transportation than that and my sports car for this time of the year, ughhh.)

anyway. sheesh, feel like I've been typing forever. think it has been close to or over an hour. that's ok I'm tryna kill time in hopes the roads get better before going home. :'))) it's supposed to snow tomorrow and wednesday too, NOOO. it occurred to me a minute ago though that spanish (only class on tuesdays) is online tomorrow though, sooo if I wake up and it's snowing a bunch again I guess ima just stay home lol. well I should probably still get to the rest of my work though. think I covered everything I wanted to say in this, though I feel like there was more still lol.

well, till the next one.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

december 1st, 2022 ♥
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man, it's crazy to think that this year's almost over. this year was wild, man... the drama with my mom just took so many crazy turns, but at least it's essentially resolved now. I got surgery, I got a new car, I got a boyfriend, I went back to school... all stuff I never, ever pictured happening at the start of the year lol. overall I guess it's been an alright year. the family drama is still a bit of a burden. I'm also sooo annoyed my anxiety has persisted. I? guess?? it's better than it was last year. but partially I feel it's because I've just become so accustomed to it. but man I hope it goes away as time goes on. if it doesn't, maybe I should finally look into meds next year. bc sitting here, listening to my heart, feeling a bit like I'm going to faint almost any time I'm out of the house/when I'm anticipating leaving the house, is BEYOND annoying. >:(

but anyway. not a whole lot has happened since I last made an entry, ig. things with p3 are still going well. the other weekend was definitely a special moment in the relationship. it was at that moment I think we both drew the exact same conclusion - that this relationship isn't just some fun fleeting thing between us. he's older than me by a few years, and he basically told me that for that he's not thinking of his relationships as just fun and short-term anymore. I'm not one for temporary either, especially not with me being ace-spec. if I want to be with someone, it's not just for fun. it's serious. and, you know, we might still have a falling out. maybe as the months go on the magic will wear off and one or both of us will decide it's not actually meant to be. but if that doesn't happen, then.

last week, then, he went home to visit his parents. that was REALLY tough on me though. especially after the weekend we had? man. I stayed at his place so I could look after his cat easier and also bc of my lack of having a real bed at my mom's and js'. but I honestly think staying there just aggravated the problem... I felt so bored and so deeply alone every day. I spent most afternoons and evenings with my mom and js, but I'd still go to sleep and wake up feeling like I had nothing. it also was even harder bc though p3 would still text daily he did feel more distanced and talked about how much fun he was having back with his family. meanwhile I was just sitting here... alone. :| gave me too much time to think, made me realize how little I actually have that means something. was honestly so miserable I had the energy to do very little, kind of felt like I was emerging from a coma when sunday rolled around and he came back that night. ugh, that dependency I've already developed towards him makes me feel gross. I was the same way with m and mh and I know neither of them liked it when they saw it so they pushed back. which is why I am petrified of it and refuse to ever let p3 see it now in case he thinks the same. not to mention it just makes me feel especially pathetic. but anyway, there's only two weeks till I get to go visit his home with him too. ofc afterwards then we'll be apart AGAIN for 8 days. I honestly don't think I can stay at his place again over that time, that was way too hard on me. I also need to realize that apart from those 8 days we'll literally be together like almost every day this entire month. seriously, today's the last official day of class and then I just have one in-person final on wednesday. after that, umm, I have no reason not to be spending time with him, unless ofc he wants space to himself, but something tells me he won't.

gosh it was slightly satisfying - but also annoying to see that he ALSO started displaying my same clingy issues when he got back. monday morning he was trying so hard not to get me to leave for class and that entire afternoon he begged - literally, begged me to come back that night. I ended up finally giving in bc, y'know, even though I wanted to focus on my work, I did still miss time with him too. I'm glad to see he also has a strong dependence on me, so my issues don't feel one-sided. but also... man sometimes I just got work to do. :|

there was a BAD snowstorm on tuesday then which really didn't make coming over monday the smartest decision in the world. so I just skipped spanish and spent all day at his place. which was seriously no fun, I was swamped with homework and work and he literally had like no food left in the house, I ate three snack packs and then had hash browns for dinner bc I seriously felt like I wasn't gonna make it. :| and then yesterday morning was TERRIBLE - I HAD to go obviously bc I had to present in fiction writing. it took me 20 minutes to dig my car out of where the snow plow plowed it in. >:( then I realized - yeah, haha NO that car is UNACCEPTABLE for winter driving. so LUCKILY my truck was at mom and js' bc my mom convinced me that weekend to help move stuff and bring it there. so I drove there super slowly and got my truck instead. and thankfully I discovered the *miracle* of 4-wheel drive in there. literally makes all the problems of getting stuck on the tiniest layer of snow/drifting all over the place vanish lol. ofc it always makes some truly TERRIBLE noises in that mode (sharp turns specifically = the WORST...) but... hey? as long as it doesn't fly apart I'm safe??

anyway. yeah rest of yesterday was soo awful, between freaking out about getting home and then the presenting anxiety and the million assignments I still had to do and the absolute lack of sleep I've had most of the week made it so rough. I think I went to bed at like 10 last night and had the deepest sleep I've had in awhile lol.

thankfully, now, the storm's almost over. I have more stuff I'm going to submit today, then just two final parts I'll submit like monday, and then the final for spanish wednesday. and then... a month of nothing. little concerned I'm going to get bored over the month... we'll see ig... going to miss the spanish class for sure. we had the speaking part of our exam today and after it five of us literally stayed and talked in the classroom for a solid hour loool. thankfully a lot of us are also enrolled in the second spanish class next semester, so we'll get to continue our talks all of next semester! yea! (oh side note, there's this guy in our class - who kinda looks like p3 - who o has developed this big crush on bc he'd be playfully making fun of them and stuff. but I can tell he really has no interest in them. they've started getting all excited and trying so hard to start conversation with him every class and he just gives them the most dead stare... honestly it really reminds me of how mh approached me that final semester. spooky. I hope o's smart enough to realize what's going on and leave him be. otherwise, I might have to have a talk with them. bc what I went through I'm not going to stand for with anyone else.)

anyway... what else do I have to say? think I basically covered everything. I should get to work on the rest of my stuff now. don't have a whole ton to do, just have to be creative and assemble this portfolio thing and then work on revising my fiction some more ewww. this isn't really a good thing, but my muse has been realllyyyy crippled since p3 and I got together. think mainly because I'm far more caught up in the real world than the fictional stories in my head, for a change. >< oh but on a better note, if I can get my muse to work... my creative nonfiction teacher might be EXTREMELY aggravating but she did teach me one thing important, I guess...? for our final assignment she introduced us to the world of publishing and the best ways to get started, and she brought up literary journals. and basically I found this huge database of them. they're so easy to apply to and the acceptance rate on some is actually pretty reasonable... and essentially, if I get into a bunch of those, then when it comes to bigger publishers I can be like "I've previously been published by x y and z..." and... yeah. dude, I feel like I've cracked the system LOL. so y'know, I think that's what I'll do over this next month. time to finally get my writing career started!!

umm, well my mom is blowing up my phone with drama related to my sister, so I should probably go deal with that. everyone apart from my father (ofc) really seems to distrust my sister's best friend. and tbh I'm having trouble seeing why they're so concerned?? I mean yeah her friend can be rude sometimes but they're also teens, what do you expect. (also apparently my father bought this friend a premium membership to this one game. what. o_O there's more weird things going on with my father but since I don't know what's true or not and the level of severity, I'll save it.) anyway. that reminded me of something else but I forgot... oh yeah, speaking of teens and drama, I went on the old family computer last night looking at pictures I might use for the last spanish project. it was kinda eerie. I realized how little my father was in them, also noticed how really unhappy I look in like all of them as soon as I reach my teenage years. and I mean, things are always rough in the teen years, but the fact I never look happy ever is just... a kinda sad thought. (made me kinda think, when was the last time I was really 100% content with my life???? I'm real happy to have p3 now but the career uncertainty and family drama and stupid anxiety means I STILL wouldn't call myself happy. kinda depressing...) also realized my mom REALLY didn't look happy in photos either. I also found this one photo from when I was real little of my mom. and. she looked... SO much like me. it was SO creepy.)

anyway. I've said way too much again as per usual. gotta go finish up this homework and deal with everybody. ._. till the next one, which might not be till after the trip to meet p3's family.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

december 28th, 2022 ♥
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in just a couple of days, it'll be another new year. not long after that it'll be 4? years?? since I started this thing. boy, it sure doesn't feel like that long, but alright!

so, it's sure been an eventful month again, that's for sure. I had all my finals for the semester which went kind of... sketchy... and yet I miraculously got solid grades in everything still, whew. and right after that, I think it was... p3 asked me to move in with him. to which, I accepted.

it all feels a bit fast, but you know what? I did know him for some time before our relationship started, and he's shown me nothing but positive signs this whole while. plus things were such a mess at home - being around my dad was so uncomfortable - I'd been struggling with that weird feeling like I didn't have a real home - so. his offer was just about impossible to refuse. mind you, it means I have to commute a bit to school :|, but... better a longer drive and being overall happier when I go home vs saving a little bit of time and money and coming back to a bad environment.

so... yeah. I've essentially almost completely moved in at this point. I just have some lesser important belongings and then the furniture that my mom and js said they'd help with. it's a bit of a tight fit in here - it was an absolute STRUGGLE to get my desktop in here lol. p3 originally told me that there was physically no way I could fit it in this place, but I was NOT having it. >:( like, I'm sorry p3 lol, but my love for you will never truly outweigh my deep love for my desktop. asking me to give that up is literally the second worst sacrifice you could ask me to make (first being my vehicles!). so yeah I was DETERMINED. I rearranged the guest bedroom and now I have the desktop crammed in between the bed and the closet. :'))) it feels very stuffy but idc I'm so happy I made it work lol.

and then, obviously, we took the big trip to meet his family. I ended up staying a lot longer than initially planned, which I was happy about as I really wanted to be there awhile more. I was originally gonna go home right before christmas, but unfortunately the weather had other plans and I decided to stay till the 26th to be on the safe side. I'll admit... things got kinda tough those last few days. I'm not used to being away on trips that long and started to really miss the comforts and freedoms of home. and, as clingy as I am, I AM still an introvert, so being around him 24/7 started to get to me and I started getting reallyyy annoyed by some of his little quirks I normally aren't so bothered by. I also got real sad in general around christmas realizing I wouldn't be with my own family for the first time. :/ but, anyway. with the negatives aside, the trip in general was pretty good. I was really afraid I wouldn't like the area he grew up in but I actually found it quite nice. the weather was really pleasant, the people were all pretty friendly, there was so much to see and a lot to do. his family was also all really nice. he talked them up to be a bit scary lol but no they all treated me with a lot of interest and kindness. a lot of them commented they thought p3 and I were good together. his grandfather, who's extremely wise and one of the people p3 respects the most, looked at us and said "two is better than one". I felt so validated lol. I also got real close with his mom too - which, thank GOODNESS, based on what he was relaying to me it sounded like his mom was real suspicious of me with how fast we were taking things. but as the trip went on his mom kept commenting more and more how I was his perfect match and how great I am. the last day before I left we even sat in the kitchen and had a deep heart-to-heart. ...honestly, even if p3 and I were to someday fail, I hope to still remain in good company with her lol.

anyway. I got back two days ago now. obvs I'm staying at p3's because it's also my place now. my sister is staying with me too rn, I was SO relieved when she made the suggestion to before I left since I'm afraid of being alone again after last time. :(( p3 gets back tomorrow then already with how long I ended up staying. I feel slightly torn about it lol - I have been missing him just a teensy bit (though not nearly as much since I'm deeply distracted both by my sister and this desktop - whew!) ...but I'm also having so much fun getting to sit on my desktop again, plus I had to be around him constantly for so long, I wouldn't be horribly upset if I had to wait a few more days. x'D eh, who am I kidding, it'll be good to have him back. then we can get back to our normal routine. I've been missing that too...

before I know it, the next semester's going to start too. I also think I really need to find another job. I'm really just not making enough doing stuff for my aunt. now it's especially concerning with what I'll have to pay for fuel. also, per our agreement, I'm also the one responsible for groceries for the both of us. I've been looking at stuff but it's difficult to find what I'm looking for - I want something I could just do a couple days a week after classes. avoiding weekends, because c'mon I already have to commute 5 of the 7 days a week. also p3 and I would literally like only see each other at night if I had to do that. :/ it sounds like my mom might have a little writing opportunity for me but I'm really not counting on it. I hate to say this... but I'm kinda tempted to reach out to my old job. ugh, I'd feel like such a loser showing up there again after I swore to them I was gone. ...I wouldn't go back to my original store though, there is no way, no level of desperation that could ever send me back lol. I wouldn't mind going to the new store though, helping out a night or two a week. I was really well-liked by the manager, so I think, if I asked, it could happen. unless they're fully staffed up right now, y'know. also really hope I wouldn't get pressured into, again, weekends. >:( idk. I'll keep looking into job ads and try applying to a few things.

well, I think that covers everything. (except - today I managed to get my ULTIMATE dreamie on this site. my very own ur tiger! wooo!!!) till the next one!

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

growing up is such an odd experience.

no one really can prepare you for it properly. you hear about it, but it doesn't make sense.
till one day you wake up and suddenly you realize it's not just about you anymore.
you start realizing you need to decide on something to do with yourself. you need to start thinking about saving.
about retiring, because it'll come sooner than you think.
and, in the case of most, you start thinking about who you'll spend that retirement with.
you start thinking about marriage.
about starting your own family one day.

up till a little while ago, when I looked in the mirror, I still saw a child.
but now I see myself as someone older. someone responsible for more than just myself.
now I too have to worry about bigger expenses. about what I'm doing once I finally get to leave this college.
and I have my own future to contemplate.
and I want it to be with you.

I hope it's with you.
we have so much in common, and yet somehow so little.
our childhoods, our teens, our early adulthood were night and day from each other.
(which - I say, thank goodness for that.)
but even though we lived two very different experiences, our interests, our personalities align perfectly.
your mother says we're an ideal pair.
I'm inclined to believe her.

people severely underestimate you. as they do me.
they look at you and size you up physically, and look at your geeky nature
just as they look at me and my silence
and they treat us both as innocents.
for that reason, it was hard for me to admit I felt something for you.
but now, now I've seen the truth. I know who you really are. just as you know me.

and yet, still, it's impossible to not fear sometimes.
about all the little things that could go wrong. that could add up and end it all.
there's so many things around us that could consume us.
I hope we will have the strength to pull each other out, before that happens.

all I know is, for right now,
I am simply happy to come home to you each night.
and that I shall prevail. I'm ready to graduate. to start my career. to start my life.
my real life.
for the first time, I can call myself a grown-up now.

[Trexxa]

january 24th, 2023 ♥
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almost a full month into the new year now. it's been an... um, interesting year so far. constant ups and downs, I feel like so much in my life has changed, and yet at the same time, very little has changed at all. I don't know really how to go about describing it. my whole life has kinda felt like a bit of a blur since getting together with p3, somedays I have a hard time believing my life is real...

not only that, but as I kinda wrote about last time, I feel like the whole experience has made me grow up so much. looking back through this, and at a lot of what I've written, I see I like to come off as very silly and childish and playful. in part, I guess, because that's the style I've assumed since my early teens, and I've often felt like very little has changed in me since then...?

I don't know where I'm going with that.

what I do know is, my life is wild again, more wild than normal that is... both my mom and I have finally officially left our old house behind and taken our belongings with us. I've, uh, also cut ties altogether with my father in the process. which I try not to think much about. everyone else seems so incredibly stunned I could do it that easily, and I just feel this strange... indifference about it. I don't know. there'd always been slight tension between us, and the events of my mom's splitting just caused that tension to basically explode. I never liked the way he spoke to me, he never made an effort to reach out, and he still hasn't. and as I've gotten older I've realized if I'm always the party reaching out, chances are they just don't care that much and it's not worth it. maybe we'll end up talking again someday. but we'll see.

I've been having all sorts of trouble with my vehicles. my truck is basically a goner at this point and my car is absolutely useless whenever the snow falls. so I've been taking lots of lovely risks every time I make my commute to school. needless to say I cannot WAIT till spring. and I'm fairly certain - no, positive, I need to invest in a new truck later this year.

so those things have been kinda stressing me out a lot this month. which has caused me to have some issues with my mood - for awhile there it was literally every other day I was losing my temper/having a breakdown. literally the tiniest thing would set me off. p3 I'm sure has picked up on it and one time it was so bad he had no choice but to see it, but since that night though I haven't had anything quite as extreme. I had a nice pep talk with myself this evening, I hope it sticks with me.

p3 and I have been together three months now. I think we've reached the point where the relationship is no longer as fresh and exciting and fun as it was when we first started dating, and now we've settled into this normal-person, mundane schedule where we both go off to work and lead our lives but then come home and have dinner together and drift off to sleep together in the evenings. it's certainly not a bad thing. it's... normal. I believe the real test of our relationship is in these next few months of this. if we can stay enjoying this schedule and liking each other's company, then we should be able to last. ...right?

...I overthink too much. that's a huge part of my problem. worrying constantly about the future. what I say and how I present myself. some of it's anxiety. some of it's just a natural part of my personality. I know I need to work on that. look more at what's directly in front of me, day to day. it's okay to ponder the future a little, but I absolutely shouldn't get sucked up in the what-ifs. that's what initially caused me to get consumed by this health anxiety. p3 and I were talking today and he essentially told me the same thing, that focusing on certain things beyond your control will only destroy you if you don't stop. I wish it were just that easy to change patterns of thinking.

well, I need to start dinner before he gets home. I hope I can take some of my own and p3's advice to heart. there's a lot of tricky things going on right now, but hopefully, everything all balances out.

-trexxa

(ps - I found this kinda funny - I found out the other week that p3 has actually gone by "p3" on occasion in his life, LOOOL.)

[Trexxa]

would you look at that. four years. time sure flies, doesn't it?

I'll start this year's letter off with a confession. I kinda look forward to writing these each year. and, I'm okay admitting that since, in all honesty, these don't have that much to do with you anymore. it's more so a letter to myself. a measurement of how I've grown and changed - how I've evolved, since the events that began on the night of this day, four years ago.

but, even though these might not be completely directed at you anymore, I do still think of you a little. after how much of last year was influenced by my fb feed I decided to take a little peek at it again. and, well, honestly, I think you look a little better this year. you're smiling in pictures again, and you also seemed to have developed an interesting new sense of style. to which I say, that is fantastic. like I said last year, I want to see you're doing better, even after all we went through.

how have I been, this past year? ehhh.. well... I don't even know where to begin. 2022 was insane. I had so many extremely good things happen and so many extremely bad. I finally found it in me to go to the doctor about what initially caused my health anxiety to flare up and had that dealt with. unfortunately it wasn't the cure-all I'd silently hoped it'd be (though in reality I seriously doubted it would be). my anxiety still comes and goes. I think it's been a bit better than the year before. the past month especially has been pretty good. but... still. all it takes is noticing one thing on myself, overthinking about standing in a line, or having to go to some big gathering with a bunch of strangers, and I'm lost again.

beyond that, I... bought my dream car, finally got my truck in my own name, got hit from behind in the truck the other month and now can almost no longer drive it, had a huge falling out with my dad when my parents finally split apart, moved out, went back to college, and... started a serious relationship with someone.

I could be wrong, but, from what I've gathered from seeing online, I'm not sure you've been in a relationship since... before the events. and, you know, that's probably a good thing. good on you for realizing that you needed to work on yourself first. I understand now what you were trying to communicate to me when I was pressing you so much. for a time there, I'd say at least the past two years, I was under the impression that I'd never end up in any kind of romantic relationship. I figured, if it happened, it'd happen, but I wasn't going to go about on dating apps and put myself out there in person to try and make it happen. I was really trying to convince myself that I didn't need a relationship, either, to be happy. that my work and hobbies and friends and animals were enough to satisfy me in this world. the few months leading up to this relationship though... as hard as my brain was trying to deny it, I was NOT satisfied and was desperately hoping that if someone were to come along, it'd be soon.

...and that they did. not the person I ever dreamed about ending up with though. my boyfriend is a guy my mom hired from out of state over a year and a half ago. my mom initially tried to get us together when she first hired him, but upon first impression he struck me as not exactly the type of character I believed I could get along with. but, alas, during october last year my mom started inviting him along with the rest of us to go places every weekend. during that month, as I got to know him more something changed, he reciprocated the feeling, and... yeah. things went from there.

I live with him, too, now. we've been together just over three months. if things stay well between us... we're planning to be married, soon after I graduate (give or take two years). we've already seen a lot of ups and downs, he has his own sets of flaws, and I worry myself with nonsense thoughts a lot. but... we've already weathered a lot of both what the world and each other has thrown our way and persevered. so, I am hopeful.

while thinking about what to say here today on my drive to campus I had the... interesting realization he and you have a fair amount of things in common. you look nothing alike physically. but you both sort of put on this silly little act of being the "nerd" and the "funny one" to the outside world. when really, underneath that, you've actually struggled quite a bit and been broken up by what the world's thrown at you. ...I guess what you said you'd realized about me, that evening on dish line, about me being attracted to the "mentally unstable guys" is true. in my defense though - I literally had no idea my boyfriend fit that until at least a few weeks into the relationship, and he started to open up to me about some of what he's been through. (I am sorry, but he makes a lot of what you opened up to me about seem like child's play. not that I am saying it is appropriate to weight trauma, but I do think it's important, struggling with mental health myself, to open your eyes sometimes and realize maybe what you're so focused on isn't actually as bad as your brain is telling you. thoughts can easily consume you if you aren't careful.)

anyway. oh yeah - that was another thing I did this past year. I saw that favorite band of yours. and it was AWESOME, some of the most fun I've had in my life. if only my anxiety hadn't been gnawing away at me for most of it...

well, I think that's where I leave you, this year. I hope my assumptions are right and you are doing better. I hope you feel like you have direction in your life, and somewhere you want to go - whether that be to maybe start your own family soon, or go down some career path, or both of those things. or maybe you're just content taking life one day at a time, and that's awesome too. I definitely feel like I have FAR more direction in my life this year compared to the last. and I am so incredibly thankful for that. last entry I was at one of the lowest points of my life, apart from when you fell out of my life. but now I feel I have a lot to look forward to.

your song of the year is this. I honestly was struggling for weeks to think about what to put here. heard this song again last night though after the band released some new music and so I was revisiting things. we certainly weren't alright in the time we knew each other. but things are better now. I hope they only continue to go up from here, for the both of us.

[Trexxa]

march 2nd, 2023 ♥
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I've got to make this semi-quick since I have my spanish exam to go to in a little bit here.

so, it's been about a month again... a little has happened in the month but not much, I guess. school has been going... ok... I don't really trust my truck anymore and I had new tires put on my car so I've just been driving the car now. which has been... fine... I've been skipping on days when it's real icy/snowy. but I'm basically maxed out on the amount of times I can do that without it hurting me now ugh. spring needs to hurry up and get here.

it's midterms week right now. had one this morning but we literally could have notes during it and it was all stuff I already felt super confident in so I'm not worried one bit. now it's just spanish which I'm a little nervous for but. I felt pretty confident when studying last night so I think I just need to relax and I'll be fine. next week is spring break then. I wish it technically started tomorrow though, really not in the mood for graphic design in the morning. >.> I'm learning some interesting stuff in the class. but otherwise I REALLY wish I wouldn't have taken it. I thought about swapping it for something else at the start of the semester, bc I ended up dropping my graphic design minor anyway in order to speed up graduation. but no I decided it was too much hassle and kept it. >_> like I said I've learned some interesting things but. having to go to it for 2 hours every friday, when I don't even technically need this class anymore, is annoyinnggg.

so. with the changes I made, I should graduate next spring. thank. GOD. I'm literally so ready at this point words can't even describe it. also this commute every day is getting pretty annoying. idk, I'd rather do it than sit around the house all day instead but. it's still gotten real old REAL fast. :| and I still have 8 weeks to go, UGHHHH.

also. I did end up going back to working for my old job, at the other store though. which is good bc I REALLY REALLY do need the money rn. but that has also gotten real old real fast too, since I can only work closing shifts. but then that makes my days horrifically long since not only do I have to leave so early in the morning to get to school, then I also don't get home till really late and then I'm real tired and don't get to talk to p3 that much and ugh. a coworker was going to take my shift tonight but then realized he had other obligations. really wish he could've bc I am NOT in the mood to do this. :|

things with p3 and I are still going well. granted, there's been some mild drama. a certain habit of his has made mom and js nervous and I know they're talking bad behind my back about it. :| p3's behavior has been kind of erratic all month bc certain work stuff has made his own anxiety really bad. which in turn kinda stresses me out too. but I am REALLY, REALLY hoping I'll have some good news on the horizon soon. if not I hope some other change happens soon bc this commute might just make me lose my mind.

anyway. there's more I'd like to talk about but time doesn't really allow right now. that and it's all hypothetical stuff I don't have an answer to right now, and I want to make sure it gets answered first... because, yeah... I expect answers in the next couple days, maybe I'll come back and edit this entry then.

well, till the next one.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 14th, 2023 ♥
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typing one of these up bc I'm bored and don't know what else to do for the next 25 mins before class. also, feeling a slight need to vent soo.

anyway. I come bearing the answers to the things that I didn't have an answer for yet last time. that being - p3 ended up FINALLY getting a new job. the job's 2 hours away though, which means, most certainly, we have to move.

I am so glad, omg. I literally cannot stand the town we live in anymore. literally it's 8 mins away from the town I grew up in, and I despise this town for the same reason I despised my home town - there is NOTHING there. nowhere to shop, nowhere to work, thus no hope of getting much of anywhere and also everyone knows everyone and I swear almost everyone living there is either incredibly rude for no reason or incredibly ill-educated or both. that combined with the fact I have to make this giant commute every day only to come back there just. I can't anymore.

obviously I can't move though till the semester's over, unless I wanna double the length of my daily commute. which, haha, no. that's still a month and a half away though. initially p3 was like "oh it's fine, I'll just suffer with the commute myself till you're finished" but his mom LITERALLY WILL NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE and has been NONSTOP tryna convince him every day to move now. she's found him apartments to tour and everything, omg. -_- side rant to the rest of the rant - I like his mom. she seems like a genuinely nice human being and I fully believe she only has the best intentions in mind. BUT. when is she going to realize her son is LONG since grown up and absolutely 100% can make his own decisions at this point. I swear his mom is like my mom a few years ago but just 1000x more extreme. it is SO annoying.

...but anyway. ._. so p3 and I are going to go this weekend and check out her suggested place. p3 sounds like he's really leaning into the idea of moving right away then if it checks out and leaving me back at the old place till the semester's done. to which I say - UGGGGGG. like, I get it. I, too, also don't want double the commute. if he does commute this month and a half I'm sure he's going to be real tired and cranky and also spending a fortune on fuel. but. I was miserable spending 6 days to myself in that place. a month and a half?????? I'm sure he'd come stay on weekends but, still. maybe I'm just being real selfish and need to calm down. idk regardless if this is how things go I'm in for a real fun remaining half of the semester. .____.

break last week was good, also it's finally getting a little warmer out. thank god. >< ofc it's only my second day back and already I'm feeling real annoyed by everything again. I literally could not sleep at all last night, I was too busy stressing about this and a few other things and I am SO beyond annoyed I have to work tonight now. I'm certain I will be exhausted by the time I get back home.

idk. maybe I seriously just need to toughen up and deal with things right now. better I only have to deal with this for another month and a half than say. six months or a year or something wild. (btw! I can take almost every class I have left online, so that's not a cause for concern. there is one required class that is only in-person for the fall though, so 2 days a week I'll have to make the lovely commute. -_-) that and for the other stuff stressing me out I seriously just need to relax. I tend to get bothered by the pettiest little things that for some reason my brain perceives as a threat when in reality. I just need to stop. ugh. I wish I could just shut my thoughts and my emotions off. just let time take its course. things are gonna be a lot better in the coming months. I just need to see this short period of time through. .__.

well, till the next one.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

april 4th, 2023 ♥
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putting something here bc I'm again, bored out of my mind and have a good 40 min to waste till spanish class. it's crazy, I've been pretty bored all semester tbh since there's not much homework in any of my classes. last week though it was like all my classes collectively agreed to slam me with all the biggest/hardest work of the entire semester ALL at once so I was nonstop busy every day. but now this week things have returned to normal and legit with the giant projects out of the way I will continue to be bored till the end. soo. ._.

anyway. not a whole lot has happened since my last entry. I continued to struggle a bit mentally for that week and the next, worrying about the future and then although p3 hasn't been cranky bc of the commute he certainly has been exhausted. so literally he's been getting home, eating dinner and going to bed and that was hard for me to adjust to the first week, since I'm so used to us having like 5-6 hours together out of the day and not 1-2 where he's so tired he can barely communicate. :/ also. there was an ENORMOUS wave of drama that arose between my mom, js (OH who is now my stepdad, btw - he and my mom had a very informal wedding 2 days after my last entry) and p3. basically p3's greatest issue which, the whole time, concerned me a little but concerned the rest of my family a lot more, came to a climax the other weekend. basically he made a real fool of himself and not only embarrassed me but enraged my mom and stepdad. and my mom took me aside the next day and gave me quite honestly the worst lecture of my life... telling me I needed to get p3 to leave his bad habits behind or I should leave him. :(((( so yeah, I had a very difficult conversation with him after that, but things are looking better now. I think it'll be a very long time till p3 regains my mom and stepdad's trust, if ever. but at least so far p3's showing me he's willing to do a lot and he does deeply care and I appreciate that. and as long as he shows that initiative, I'm going to stick with him. he really is the love of my life, and I will always fight for that.

other than that, as long as we're on difficult topics... I also have some terrible demons to face in just a short while here. let's just say, dumb decisions were made the other month, luck was not on my side, and now I'm facing consequences. it really seems like luck hasn't been on my side at all these past six months or so. partially it's been due to my own stupidity, partially the universe just seems to hate me. part of me thinks it's just things leveling out from my incredible streak of good luck at the start/mid of last year. ;_; things have not been pleasant lately and I think I would be 1000x more miserable if it were not for the light of hope on the horizon rn.

the first apartment p3 and I looked at was not it, but we looked at another one last week we collectively agreed we really liked, so we put in an application and we should know by the end of this week. if we get it, it's not available to move into till the 14th. p3 might choose to instantly move in the moment that date rolls around, and I assume he will, but maybe he'll surprise me and he won't, either. either way, I've decided I'll move in the 30th (day after regular classes end). so if he instantly goes I'll only have two weeks to myself - but not even that, either, since we'll still see each other weekends and I intend to move bits and pieces of my stuff fridays, too. so I'll be fine. I've also been applying to places, not much to report there so far, though I did only start sunday. I got an interview for the one I was least interested in ._. and turned down by one. no word on three of them. I really realllyyy hope I don't end up like p3 and have to search for 3 months. I think absolute worst case scenario and it's moving week and there's still nothing in sight then I'll just have to transfer to another store for the place I seem to be stuck working at forever, UGGGG. that is WORST case scenario though. since, even though I don't hate the job when I'm there, just thinking about it irritates me so much these days. like, I should've been out for good when I stepped out in september. I have so much more worth to the world than just working there. also working closes and not being home till 9 rn massively infuriates me since it means I get to see p3 even less.

sigh. well. I think I've covered everything. thought this entry would be a lot happier than this this time, but oh well. past couple weeks have not been pleasant, there honestly hasn't been a pleasant week in a long time but these past couple were even worse than normal. but y'know what, I am pleased to say that I have felt quite a bit better since about mid-week last week. thank god it is finally april, it's finally warming up outside, the one difficult hurdle in p3 and I's relationship has been finally and satisfactorily dealt with, and I'm now actively making steps towards a better future that is right around the corner. even though I have to deal with some nerve-wracking stuff rn, at least I know each day is putting me one step closer to better times.

well, that's all I have for now.

-trexxa