trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

november 26th, 2021 ♥
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today was the day I learned never to doubt myself,

when every suspicion I ever had was revealed to me as the truth.

today, was the last day of the life I've always known. tomorrow marks the start of a whole new journey.

[Trexxa]

december 15th, 2021 ♥
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it's been a little while again. I'm at work right now LOL, my newer job with p that is. I've been writing my book here since the ideas seem to come really easily here for some reason. but today has been sooooo slow I finished my whole chapter a while ago already and I still have an hour and fifteen minutes till p gets here, soo...

I suppose I'll start by elaborating on my last entry. so, basically, it turned out everything I'd been theorizing on in my prior entry... turned out to be true. in fact, EVERYTHING I've had suspicions on involving my mom the past couple years... turned out to be true. yeah. that evening my mom came home and said she wanted to have a chat with me and my sister. and then she confessed - that she's in a relationship with someone else. and she's planning to divorce my dad and move out (where to, she's not sure yet, but for the mean time she's now staying with my grandparents (her parents).

so. um, yeah. that was a lot to swallow. I've been busy in processing through all that still, for the past couple of weeks now. I still don't really know what to think. I mean, I knew it was coming. but to actually hear her come out and say it? it's... still a lot. my mom still hasn't told my dad any of this, either. she plans to tell him next month (after my sister, my grandma and I all begged her not to do it before christmas, since we don't want to ruin the holiday spirit >.<).

other than that... my anxiety has been acting up again, ugh. it was better for a little while there. but after mom dropped that bomb on me it took me a few steps back again. I've also had a cold for over a week now, which in all honesty probably isn't helping the situation. tbh, it really wouldn't be that bad right now if it wasn't for this one, stupid symptom that cropped up about a month or two ago. I really, really do not appreciate feeling my heart skip a beat and thus fearing a heart attack 24/7. -.- every time things start looking up I stg it happens again and pushes on all the negative thoughts again. I've been so tempted somedays to go and try and sort this out and start going on meds. but I've had just as many bad stories about that, that I've refrained from doing it either. I relly hope I can break this cycle. it's annoying, and is going to greatly mess with moving I'm sure if I can't get this under control.

yeah, I'm still planning the move I talked about. somewhere between august, and next january. I think - now that mom confessed everything she did to me - that the move isn't so much of a fantasy, as it is a necessity at this point.

in other news... I've still been working a lot, same as always. although, I've been struggling to find any shifts to pick up that align with my availability at my other job, UGH. and meanwhile here at this place literally everyone left for christmas break. so it is literally just me and p running the entire joint. literally. business has also been AWFUL since finals came and went last week, so I'm making almost no money to sit here. yay. -.-

next month, I'm hoping anyway, the other employees are going to be back and free to take more shifts, so I can hopefully focus on my other job more. I think I might reach out to the manager there and ask to be scheduled like 3-4 days a week there again. that's... something I'd never thought I'd do again when I left in august but uh, here we are. xD e.e

well. down to fifty minutes now till p gets here. he was texting me saying how he wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon, so I wonder how he's doing today. I hope he's feeling better, because if he has to start calling in sick - bruh. then that means I have to run the entire store myself. lol, I think not.

well... guess I'm just going to sit here. for a while longer, then. ._. till the next one.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

january 25th, 2022 ❤️
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I have returned. I'm at work again rn, since I'm a little bored here. it has been surprisingly busy though, more so than it has in several weeks. but now we're into the usual evening lull and I can't start to close early because the back room is reserved till close tonight. ._.

anyway. it's been an ok-ish month. my work schedule has gotten much better. I asked to be scheduled at my old job 2 days a week again, then I've been working 3 days here, so 5 days/week, no weekends. much better balance, in terms of both financial and mental reasons. ><

anxiety issues have also been better, whether it's correlated to the better work schedule, maybe. it was bad around christmas though, so bad I hardly did anything but sit on my grandma's couch since I was too busy fearing a heart attack. ._. that symptom has been better the past two weeks-ish now, thank. GOD. it's not gone entirely, but once/twice every other day is so, SO much better than 5 times every day. I just hope things stay on the upside now...

in other news... my mom's new relationship kinda fell through. I say kinda, because she hasn't officially broken it off. ._. meanwhile her and my dad have been hanging out every weekend. so... idk what she's planning to do. I don't think she knows, either. really hope she makes a decision though, bothers me, seeing her playing both sides...

that means I am, indeed, still set on the move. I think I might've finally decided on a town with certainty. I think come may is when I'll begin downsizing my belongings and really preparing. it's also when I'll really start breaking the news to everyone. I think I'll keep my dad in the dark till then, which I feel mildly guilty about, but I also feel he won't take me seriously if I don't wait till it is serious, either. ._. man am I ever worried about getting a job and getting approved for a place, though. wish I could just fast-forward past all that...

well, I think that was everything major. I see more customers coming, so ima go now. till the next one.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

here I sit again, three years later. three years now, can you believe it?

normally, I'd begin this portion off with 'I wonder...' but, well, fb had something else in mind when that picture of you happened to pop up in my feed the other day. it's not the first time I've seen a picture of you these past two and a half years apart, usually I just quickly scroll past 'em trying to pay as little regard as possible. but this time... this one couldn't help but have me stopping and staring.

you look... different. older, you can tell it's been a bit of time now. you still have the same, almost unnaturally light hair, and the same-ish glasses, and the same sense of style. I'm guessing you're still living in the same place with the same people, as they're the same I've seen in every other picture since. but... this picture still looked different than the others. you're the only person in the picture who isn't smiling. I hate to say it, but... you don't look so great, either. if I had to take a guess, I'd say things haven't exactly been improving leaps and bounds on your end. not sure if anything's changed for the better at all, in fact. believe it or not, I feel a little sorry for you.

I wish I could tell you about all the awesome things I've had happen to me this past year. but, tbh, this past year has been one of the toughest of my life. my own mental state finally caved in on me in april of last year, and it's just been a constant battle since. funny enough, it's not even social anxiety that dragged me down like younger me thought it would. it's something way, way worse in my opinion. health anxiety. I've just been constantly overthinking and overanalyzing every little change in my physical state, which has actually led to a decline in my physical condition, which in turn, just feeds the anxiety, and the cycle goes on and on. some weeks are better than others, which I'm sure you already have a perfect understanding of. it was better for the past couple weeks, but the past few days have been pretty trashy again. so, to some degree, I can now say I understand perfectly what you were going through. ...are still going through. back then, I thought I could be some sort of savior to you - believing that it was my duty to pull you out of it. boy, was that silly of me though. because, let me tell you now - no one can really 'save' you. sure, talking with others plays an important role, and is a vital tool to getting better, but, at the end of the day, the only person that can really help you is yourself. you'll only get better if you really want to get better. if only it wasn't so easy to fall back in the trap...

well, besides that awful elephant in the room, my life has been... ok this past year. this was the first year of my life where I really made a lot of my own money. so I was able to buy a lot of nice things for myself. I've built a pretty epic gaming area in my space of my parent's house. I don't have a lot of friends again now, I don't talk much to those I had my last semester at school. I have quite a few coworkers I like to catch up with when I see them at least. I do have a best friend though, who is also a fellow coworker. I'm also planning to move this summer, somewhere a good distance away from this boring little portion we've both lived in for literally our entire lives. I'm hoping to find more opportunities there. a chance to actually get somewhere with my writing, and a chance to chase some other, better career opportunities. I'm hoping I can build quite a good life for myself in the next couple of years here. rather than give into the other issues of my life, like... I believe someone else might be doing.

I want you to know that I don't hate you. there's been times where I start to overthink about what all happened between us too much and I do get quite angry about it, and you. but, at the end of the day, I don't wish anything bad upon you. not really. we were both kids when this all went down, kids who believed they were adults, just because it's legally stated at that age. we were both exploring the world around us, still young and naive. we're all just human at the end of it all. you and me both.

I'm not going to waste my time anymore writing paragraphs pondering about what it was between us, because, really, it doesn't matter. we were both in each other's lives for only a few months. that's not time for anything real to happen. who cared about who in what way really doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. what mattered is what we took away from it. I don't know if it meant much of anything to you, if you ever even still think about those days, or if you're just caught up in the present now. but what I sure know is that you were an important influence on me. a bad one, more so than a good one, more likely. but an influence, nonetheless. just one of many great influences in my life, that's crafted me into who I am now - for the better, for the worse, whatever that entails.

I guess this is where I leave things. I hope things get better for you this next year, as they will hopefully also for me. we're still quite young, after all, even if we're not the kids we were anymore. we've still got a lot of opportunities left to chase. a whole world waiting for us to go out there - and make a difference. let's give this all a meaning, alright?

ps - as per usual, here is your song for the year. I heard this one for the first time back in november and instantly knew it was the one I wanted to put here. pretty sure 'weirdo' was indeed one of the many various nicknames you gave me at the end there, though it's hard to remember for sure honestly, it's been that long now. not sure why you took to name-calling me so much in the first place. guess that brings out even more how childish we both still were. I remember being so insulted by all those names, though I did everything in my power to hide it - since I was so busy 'being strong for you' and blah blah blah. now, as an adult, I'm proud to say, just like the song, yeah, I am a little different. but I really don't care what you think, what others think, what anybody thinks. I am glad to be the person I am, quirks and all. I think at the end of the day we're all a little different. and that's a good thing, we wouldn't want a world where everyone was identical in every way. I think you called me names because you had difficulty accepting that in yourself. looking at you in that picture now, I'm guessing you're still having troubles with that. I hope you learn to embrace yourself and what makes you, you someday. only then will you achieve that happiness I hope you can find.

pss - I booked tickets to see that favorite band of yours in april, and boy, am I sure excited.

[Trexxa]

march 17th, 2022 ♥
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I'm back again I guess...

it hasn't been that long I suppose, though it sure feels like a long while.

quite a bit has changed in only two months. (I keep struggling to type "w"s... is it the keyboard, or the way my hand is positioned? either way, it's annoying. ._.) I put in a one month notice at my job with p at the first of this month. which might seem really random, but it had actually been weighing on my mind for a looong time. as much as I love being able to do basically whatever I want at that job, and having the solitude of working alone, there's just... so many little irritating things. like how bad the pay is. and the owner's unwillingness to listen to anything any of his employees says. and a certain handful of regulars that are just. -shudder-

my other job has had changes in management. AGAIN. right before the old manager quit though he told me he thought I'd make a good assistant general manager and I should look into it. so I decided to take him up on that. now I'm in the process of working hard to try and impress the new manager in the hopes I do indeed get this promotion. :> if I get that promotion... I am going to get quite the raise. I'm going to be so much better off than I ever have been. although, trying to reach out to the new manager has been. such. a. pain. I feel like I'm fighting in a war trying to get ahold of her some weeks... I sincerely hope she recognizes the effort I'm putting in though and I do get this promotion because... I do genuinely like that store and my coworkers. but, if nothing comes of it within the next two months, then I'm afraid I'm going to start looking into moving away from that place as well, because - at the very least, this whole thing has given me the confidence boost I needed in regards to what I can do with my current skills and years of experience.

all that being said... this whole situation has created some... issues, in regards to my plans to move away. I just. sigh. I really do want to get out of this state. and I feel terrible going back on my word, like everyone else in my family is so terrible guilty of. ...but. now I'm thinking I should spend at least a little more time working on building experience in my work here, esp. if I get that promotion. plus maybe I should start saving... for that back to college fund... and then, my younger sister is entering the later years of her schooling, and I can already see my parents trying to pressure her into doing things the way *they* want her to. just like they did to me. if I'm not here to stand up for her, who's going to?

and I'd also like to spend more time with p, and maybe some of my other coworkers whose company I've grown to like. (btw, p's heavily on the fence about leaving that job also. he is struggling so much right now, financially, mentally, physically... he went off on a huge rant to me today. we can't even hang out right now because of how messed up his work/sleep schedule is with the other, overnight side job he picked up. I really hope things clear up for him soon.)

so, yeah. the one thing I do know though is that I've got to move this summer, regardless. if I have to spend too many months under this roof with my parents, I'm gonna blow.

in other news... anxiety? was better for quite awhile there. past week has been unpleasant though, I'm almost positive it started with me being anxious about getting out and doing things for my birthday this past weekend. it's so frustrating. so dumb. I wish I could press a button and just. snap out of it.

anyway. I guess I'm off to watch some funny videos to try and drown out my issues, then play some games, then watch tv and go to bed. I've got to get up before dawn to open the store tomorrow, ugh. but after that I will have 3 days off for the first time in a long time. maybe it'll give me a chance to chill out. for a little while, anyway. ._.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

june 1st, 2022 ❤️
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it's been a little while again. happy start of pride month today. it's also the first birthday of crowley, the kitten my mom rescued last year, so yay (:

anyway, where should I start with this? I'm currently hanging out at a coffee shop right now - the rival of the place I worked with p actually lol. omg wait, the last entry is so old I haven't even mentioned how that panned out. basically, the rest of my month at that place was a bit iffy... I was getting increasingly fed up with the owner and the regulars, and the tension between p and the owner was getting realllyyyy bad. but my last day came and went peacefully. and then, p's first shift after I was done, he. got. FIRED. O_O yeah. apparently it was because p made an anonymous tip about the place to the health department (that's a story for another day...) and the owner somehow figured out it was him. still not sure I see that as an adequate reason to fire him though....

anyway. I've been busy working at my original job now then, still working towards that promotion. there's been some progress... some. and even then, I still haven't even been given the guarantee I will get it at the end of all this extensive training. -_- you'd swear I was being trained to work in the secret services, and not to be an assistant general manager at a coffee chain... sheesh. needless to say, I am going to be ENRAGED if I find out I won't even get the job after this whole mess. and I will immediately pack myself up and go elsewhere. especially now that I have a second job lined up again anyway.

yeah, my aunt called last week asking if I'd be interested in working for her. I'd be working at home, on my own time, filing paperwork and whatnot. (I just realized the people next to me are revising a book together. o.o that'll be me in that position someday... someday.) so yeah, I told her I'll take her up on the offer. she's going to train me in next week. I figure I can spare 10 or so hours each week to do that on the side. it'll be a nice chunk of extra cash. I did the math and if I did it full-time for her I'd be making the equivalent of what I'd make after getting promoted each month. in fact, if I got promoted AND did that for the 10 hours a week, I'd be making the same monthly income my mom makes, as a city administrator. bruh. pleaseee let me get promoted already.

in regards to my moving then, I've decided I'll stick around for another year anyway. ._. I'm not even sure I want to move to the same place anymore either. I want this book to do well, but I don't want my entire life to be determined by it either. I'm also so sick of cold weather, starting to think going south instead sounds better. I'd like to take a vacation down there later this summer/early fall to maybe get a feel for it. I also can't really afford to move right now anyway, not even out of my parent's house, till I get this darn promotion thing figured out. not with the car payment now.

yeah, I bought a car! and not just any car either - my DREAM car! I didn't think I'd be able to get that car till later on in life with the price they go at. but... I was looking at the adverts at work and saw one just listed for literally half the price they usually go for!! so I obviously called about it immediately lol, and the test drive sounded awesome. (although, the stereo is broken -_- still have to deal with that). so yeah!! I took it home!! driving it makes me so happy. :')

in other news then, I also... FINALLY found it in me to confront the root of my anxiety issues. I went to the doctor last week and have a consultation tomorrow morning. the news I got was positive so far, though I'm still nervous and will be till I get the full confirmation. ugh. my anxiety has been significantly better this week now that it's out though. although, it's been a bit bad today again. assuming it's the anticipation of that appointment tomorrow. >_< I'm so glad I finally confronted it though. at least, no matter what, I don't have to live in constant fear of never knowing for certain. now I'll know, and it's out of my hands from here.

I think I've basically touched on everything - major, anyway, at this point. really hope I get that promotion though. -_- and that the doctor bills aren't that horrific, so I can go forward and start booking things for the trip. still need to figure out what I exactly want to do with it too, when exactly I'm going, if I'm going alone or bringing anyone with. I'd like to bring my sister, but if I bring her, my mom has to come with, due to her age yet. >_> as I found last trip though, I really think going myself wouldn't actually be as bad as I initially thought. I also initially just wanted to drive my way down there, but with the current state of gas prices... eehhh...

think I might go on a little walk now. I think I should come to this place more frequently from now on too. (maybe I could come here to do my work on the new side job for my aunt?) it feels a lot... friendlier in here... than the place with p lol. wonder how that place is doing now. not that I'm ever visiting again though, not after what they did to p. -.-

well, till the next time.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

june 21st, 2022 ♥
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'tis me again.

it's been an... interesting couple of weeks since I last put together one of these. past two weeks were honestly horrible, but thankfully, this week, things are starting to look up. somewhat.

so, um. to start. the day after I left my last entry... my mom finally decided to actually do it. she told my dad she wanted to get the divorce. and well, even though he initially took it well, he didn't exactly keep that attitude in the following days. ._. for about a full week straight he went on a huge angry rampage. he's finally calmed down somewhat now though... I think so, hopefully... anyway, they worked out that my dad's going to be the one to move out, and my sister and I will stay living out here with my mom, at least for now. he still has yet to move out though, since apparently he "can't afford anything and can't find anyone to live with". .__. ...also, we got into a huge fight about his (aHEM- MY) truck last week. basically, even though I've been the sole person driving it (AND paying for every gas and repair bill!!!!) it's still legally in his name. we talked about putting it in my name earlier this year except, ofc, he never got around to it. ._. but now with the divorce it's imperative I get it in my name if I want to keep it, and believe me, do I ever. I have the level of emotional attachment to that truck as a normal person has to their own child. but now with the divorce out, and also the fact I didn't involve my dad in any part of the purchase of my car, he's not willing to give that truck up anymore. not without a fight anyway. the last he told me was that although having it in my name wasn't completely out of the question, I'm going to have to... "barter", for it. that was six days ago. I still have yet to address the situation again. ._.

well. uh. in other news. my addressment of my anxiety issues went well, at least? I had my consultation, then had the surgery I needed two weeks ago. it was a minor enough procedure it didn't force me to take any time off to recover. and - since it's been gone, my anxiety's been a LOT better. not gone completely though, I still have some days worse than others. but at least I'm not permanently trapped in that state of constant turmoil. at least now I know I don't have any real reason to be anxious, and every time I feel the anxiety come on I can just tell my mind to be quiet and stop being ridiculous...

well, with that good news, back to the bad news... still no further word on a promotion at my job, URGH. I've had this bad gut feeling for the past couple weeks there too now. which has only been deepened by a bunch of new hires coming in, and the store finally getting a new general manager, who starts tomorrow. I haven't heard a thing from my boss in closing in on three weeks now. I fear this might be a sign...

all of everything that's happened has got me thinking again. I think I've made it pretty obvious that I want to move out of here. I kinda feel like I don't have much of an option, either, at this point - if things don't exactly go down nicely between my dad and I with this whole truck dispute, well... and also, my mom and all her... recent love interests (yeah, there's more, but I don't feel like going in depth about that ._.) are honestly super cringy. it's super uncomfortable being around all that. I really think I need to get away from it.

I also really think I do need to go back to school. I keep going back and forth on it... I really loved the time I spent there. loved the routine, did really well in all my classes. but also, it was ridiculously expensive. but, the degree would be so important in getting a good job ( as I am unfortunately discovering again as I started applying to other positions last week, with the way this assistant general manager thing is heading...). I don't think I'll ever be fully satisfied working the sort of position I am now. not a hundred percent anyway. I think it's time I just settled on the idea that I need to go back and finish it. even if it does make things financially tough for a little while.

if I dropped my current position and just did the stuff I started for my aunt full time... then I could afford to go back to school next year. I don't know where I'd like to go to school yet. somewhere in some state I'd consider moving to, at least that much I can say for certain. what state that is yet, I also have no clue. it would be kind of nice doing it full time, too. it means I could make my free days any day I want each week, rather than having to work holidays and the occasionally inconvenient hours I get at my current job. I just fear there'd be a lot of room for me to get distracted... idk, I think, even if it isn't my aunt's position, I need to turn my attention to more work-from-home sort of positions though. that way I don't have to worry about finding another job when I do decide to move.

it's all just an idea still. just one of... numerous creative ideas I've gotten over the course of the past year. the past several years, actually. I always feel like I randomly get these hugely ambitious plans jotted out for myself, and then I always end up approaching them more realistically and falling back... y'know, this is the first idea of mine that isn't hugely out of the question though. I think this is the first one that doesn't just combine several of the goals I have for myself, but might... actually be financially feasible. money will still be awfully tight if I go back to school next year. no nice new computers/furniture/cars for me for awhile. but it is, at the very least, legitimately doable for a change. (by the way, I did end up booking my vacation. end of august.) idk, I need to think about it for a bit again. I hope one of these ambitious ideas does actually work out for me though. and soon. I can't just sit here in my mom's house contemplating my options for all eternity...

well, guess I'm going to bed now. meeting my aunt at that coffee shop I was in last entry tomorrow to go over more work together. I'll make her at least a tad aware of the ideas I just mentioned, so she knows I might be interested in picking up more work soon. (time to go tell my sister to go to bed now, she's been slowly grinding away on my nerves this entire entry... she's been voice-chatting a whole bunch of people she's met on discord every night for several weeks now. and, as someone trying to sleep in the next room over, with the walls being practically thin as paper in this place? I stg, some nights I just wanna take that computer of hers, and...)

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 21st, 2022 ♥
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exactly one month since my last entry I see. yippee.

it sure has been an... interesting month. a lot of ups and downs. unfortunately it's been trending towards the down the past two weeks or so.

but anyway, starting with the good, I got my dad to give up *my* truck, yee-haw. it ended up feeling kinda anti-climatic considering how long I waited for that day to happen lol, but it's done, nonetheless.

...and tbh unfortunately I think that's the only *true* good thing I've got to put here. otherwise, my life has just kinda been all over the place. for starters, my mom and dad are closing in on the finalizing of the divorce, but... now my dad's gone back and decided he would prefer to be the one to stay and my mom move out instead. which, my mom is mildly ok with and currently thinking it over. and as for me - I honestly don't know where I stand on the situation... my mom has been driving me nuts the past month with her relationship drama and I'm so sick and tired of it omg. she's started staying with her new bf several nights out of the week and it's been... nice having her out. so I honestly think having her move out would be better for my mental state, but also... if I have to stay with my dad, he's 100% gonna start charging me rent. so like, at that point, I might as well just move out. but that's going to mess with my savings to go back to school quite a bit. but if he's charging me rent, that's STILL going to mess up my savings anyway. if I moved out, I'd probably feel better mentally too, since I'd finally get some real independence again, but... it's still several months out, since I'm legit broke again after the surgery, UGH.

I also made the decision like three weeks ago to start doing the stuff for my aunt full-time. so I let my workplace know but - I didn't put in my two weeks though, just said I'd pick up shifts like when I started the job with p. and then... I started doing that this monday. but... I just have to say. doing this full-time? has not been sitting with me well - AT ALL. just thinking about it leaves me with this bad tingly sensation. like I am definitely, definitely, definitely not making the right decision. I can't even pinpoint what exactly might be wrong about it - a small combination of things, I suppose? maybe partially because it's so informal? and because I'm so used to leaving the house? and also - I know I literally can't do this for as long or as much as I'd hoped to, as my aunt doesn't have that much for me to work on at this time of the year and I'm blazing through the work a lot faster than the average person would. so I basically have no choice but to pick up quite a few shifts at my old job yet still. I don't know, nothing feels quite right at the moment, ugh.

in regards to my plans with college... basically the day after I left my entry presenting my newest great idea I realized I, yet AGAIN, forgot about the difference in price between in-state and out-of-state tuition. .___. so um, that plan isn't viable unless I moved somewhere else and worked for a year. so I'm thinking I'll just go to the local college here - but, even then, I still can't go back to school till next fall since I don't have anything set aside right now for tuition. ._. maybe I should just make that big move out of this place? but I STILL don't have anything saved, so I still couldn't do that for several months. and then I also have the issue of moving/storing my two vehicles... omg. I swear there is legitimately no good answer to this. I feel like I'm completely stuck right now.

well... I think that's all I had to say. idk, my dad's been interrupting this whole entry, and now it's almost time for me to meet up with my aunt again. >_< I just hope this awful feeling I have about my life right now subsides in these next few weeks. I just know I can't just do this job for my aunt after all though lol, um obviously this is not the great fit I thought it would be. in moderation it's fine - but as my sole career, NO.

-trexxa

*edit that night

omg, I just had to come back and put this here. my mom came home a couple hours ago and I just got done talking with her, and-- she said that if I go back to school this fall, she (or rather, the new bf) will pay for the entire rest of my education. :OOO DUDE, this is the answer to LITERALLY all my problems. suddenly I like this new bf a lot better, LOL.

I'm still having a hard time believing this is real... I'm not fully going to believe it till I actually see it on paper... I'm also afraid if I so much as breathe too loudly I'm gonna jinx it... please, please don't let them suddenly break up either--- if this is in fact real though, that means I can move out asap and/or I can start building the max amount of savings, so the moment I graduate I can go anywhere I want! I'm FINALLY FREE!!! after almost 2 years of being forced to sit about this place, I can get back to living the life I actually want!!

I'm turning in my applications asap tomorrow, hopefully before anything has the slightest opportunity to change. OMG, I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight.

[Trexxa]

august 9th, 2022 ❤️
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I'm back again. currently hanging out at the new(ish) location of the place I've been working at lol, since my car is being looked at next door right now. ;_;

yeah, I was aware the car had some issues that needed to be addressed... was hoping to put it off till I got the dr bills dealt with at least, but when I left work last thursday the car decided "hahaha nope time to deal with this now!!!" and the check engine light came on. ;_; sounded pretty bad on the drive today too, maybe I'm just being super paranoid now though.... PLEASE don't let it be a serious issue...

I'm feeling super ultra anxious rn too ugh, think it's the fact I'm having caffeine on an empty stomach, or maybe it's just because I'm thinking about that fact... wish it would quit it though -,- anxiety in general has been very on and off. it's been getting bad whenever I go into work shifts I've picked up for... whatever reason, idek... I'll often get it whenever I'm just sitting doing work for my aunt too like, k then... otherwise, I'm mostly ok now. certainly not nearly as bad as last year at this time.

in other news... the conclusion my parents reached was - nobody is moving out after all we're just gonna continue to all awkwardly live together. ._. I tried reaching out to p to see if he or anyone he knew was looking for a roommate then but he... proceeded to ghost me for like 5 days, then profusely apologize and say he doesn't know anyone. .-. he's been distant in general for the past few months now and tbh it's really starting to get on my nerves. like I know you're busy with work and roommate drama and your own issues but. if you REALLY wanted to hang out you would've made time these past 6 months. but I already wrote a letter ranting about this so I'll stop here. but anyway I guess I'm just stuck living here yet though.

anyway, yep, I got all registered for school. orientation is next week, classes start in 2 weeks. don't know what classes I'll be taking yet, won't get that figured out till orientation. concerned the selection might not be great, considering how late I'm registering... but oh well... I still have yet to actually tour campus either LOL, hoping to do that next week.

work has been ok too... feel better about the work for my aunt knowing I'm going back to school now. also been picking up shifts twice a week so that helps too. also happened to pick up some work at this store too this saturday loool, after our old manager who now runs here reached out practically begging me to do so. kinda like it here, if I'm being super honest the interior of this place looks way more... appealing... and professional... than my own store. also watching just the interactions with the customers, things seem a lot more chill here. a lot of my old co-workers are here today too and they showed me around, so that was nice. (:

I think that's all I've got to say anyway, anxiety is getting worse knowing I should be getting the call to come pick up soon now, UGH. well, I'll see ya around anyway. may or may not be back in school by the next entry!

-trexxa

edit cause I feel like it;;
ok turns out there's nothing seriously wrong with the car, WHEW, just a total of 4 minor nuisances. some of which are more costly than others. ._. I scheduled just to have the most pressing (the check engine light) dealt with. I was given different options for the others - some quick, cheap fixes and some more expensive but long-term solutions. ima do some budgeting to figure out what's best, but yeah, thank god my engine isn't about to explode ugh oml (as I've long been fearing due to that astonishingly low price I got it for).

[Trexxa]

october 6th, 2022 ♥
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it's been awhile since I did one of these again. lemme just say, a LOT has again happened in the past couple months.

for starters, I'm writing this from school right now. yep - everything ended up working out with that, except I learned too late that my mom and her bf's deal did not come with paying for my meal plan as well, so I'm a bit broke for the next few months. .__.

unfortunately, a lottttt of my credits didn't transfer, so it's gonna be a bit till I graduate, ewwww. but, I mean, late graduation is so much better than nothing at all. this semester I'm taking a bunch of the major requirements then as well as spanish - which has certainly been an up and down adventure. learning other languages is definitely NOT my strong suit. :') some days I feel like I'm doing pretty good with it. others I'm just completely lost. as of today I feel like I'm doing ok again. I can tell I'm getting better and I'm finding I have way more words to talk about things, which is, ofc, good.

otherwise, I finally quit my original job, for good. the new manager was just driving me absolutely insane. that and I had a talk with an advisor when signing up for classes that... kinda put things into real perspective for me? basically he questioned why I was even devoting so much of my life to a position like that when my grades alone showcase how much potential I have, and after that I went "...yeah, I can do better than that" and... the store never looked quite the same after I came in back to work. .__. so, I put in my two weeks last month. now I'm just doing the stuff for my aunt for like 20 hours a week. I'm mildly nervous if she's going to have enough work to get me by each month still. if worse comes to worse I might have to find a new job I can do at least on the weekends. although, I'm trying to avoid that right now too, as I think it's more important than ever I spend time being active with the family vs gone at work the whole time.

my parent drama... has still been all over the place. things got reallyyyy dark again the other week but... last week was pretty nice actually. my mom ended up moving out after all and now I just live with my dad and sister. but my mom is very adamant in taking my sister down to her place most weekends, and oftentimes I'll come with, because I'm so used to doing everything with my sister and it feels boring and lonely without her.

oh yea - speaking of loneliness, p and I happen to have a class together. so we've been talking again. I even went over to his place last week for like... the first time in a literal year again. so that's nice to have him around again.

anyway, I've managed to somehow finish all my homework for the week already (I don't have class on friday, heh heh heh) and now... I have like nothing to do till monday again, uhhh lol. I'm guessing my mom's going to reach out tomorrow and want my sister down again? last weekend was so much fun at her place. my mom hired this guy at her job like 2 years ago now as her assistant and he's just a few years older than me, and the two of them are so close the running joke is that she's also his "mom". we've all spent some time doing some stuff together as a whole but not a lot. last weekend we - him, my mom, her bf, my sister and I spent pretty much the whole entire time together, and we had a BLAST LOL. my sister and him are both pretty funny but together they are the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. x'DD sunday morning my mom came into my room and announced since I always wanted a brother he was gonna be it and we're gonna hang out all the time from now on, not sure how serious she was being but that sounded awesome looool. we proceeded to all go to my grandmother's house then and even she commented how we were like a weird mismatched family that somehow completely worked. I hope that wasn't just some fleeting moment and we do all hang out like that again, since that was honestly the most actual fun I've had in awhile now.

well, I think I shall be on my way now. till the next one.
-trexxa