trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

may 1st, 2019 ♥
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...somehow I managed to forget my entire formatting for these things lol oof. anyway, I have returned only like 2 days later since I need to do something to clear my mind before I can even possibly consider doing my homework. x'D it appears the wednesday curses have come to an end with the dawn of another semester, though they've gone from cursed to just plain old... weird. O.o

anywho, before I get down to that, classes so far have been eehhh. monday ended up surprisingly being a great day in the end?? like, mh showed up for the next class and we sat together (YEE, although he does make a bit of an annoying classmate, that man has the attention span of a 5-yeard old I swear. >_< whispering me jokes all the time, poking me with his pencil, doodling in his notebook, like can you just sit still for one moment--) and then I was SUPER productive in the afternoon, went on a walk, finished my resume and wrote a cover letter, applied for a job, did all my homework, sat with mh and socialized at supper, set up my new toyhouse account and wrote up a ton for my main character. like wowee self I am impressed. xD tuesday was alright, mh showed up for the first class (thank god >.>) and we had to go on a hard run for 12 minutes. ugh, that sucked, and was basically a HUGE mental slap as to how unfit I am... my body's still completely sore from that today and I had to take myself running AGAIN today anyway since we're supposed to put in our own workout twice a week, with documentation of such due friday.

so onto today I guess. I was like, soo tired and grumpy for a good chunk of the day, with really no reason for my irritability?? think it was simply cause of how much my body hurts, ergh. so then I was planning on avoiding the dining hall some more again tonight in fear of the curse, so I was just gonna order takeout again, but the only available timeslot to pick it up was at 10:30. -_- I wasn't too keen on the idea of waiting to eat till that late. thought about going out to eat or shopping but ergh I'm just not in the mood for that either. so I decided welp, I guess I'll go eat at the dining hall... I'll just eat freakishly early so I can hopefully avoid mh, the main trigger for the curse. xDD so I went, was going to sit on my own in the corner (to hide from the curse LOL, I know I'm weird.) but ended up deciding to sit with a group of friends/people I know. the group included... ca, a girl who has piano lessons with me, a friend-of-a-friend, and ja who I've haven't mentioned in these entries so far as far as my knowledge goes. if I have referred to her it hasn't been by any nickname. anyway, we've known each other for quite a long time now. I used to hate her lol, she also works at the dining hall and I thought she was kinda strange and overly friendly. she also was super obsessed with m back when she worked there as well, so she would give me major jealousy issues. well I'll admit since m left, she really hasn't been half bad lol, and I'm willing to call her a friend now. somehow ja has completely picked up that I'm interested in mh though?? like, how on earth she knows I have no idea - am I really that plainly obvious?? she has just been giving me heck for it since she came to this conclusion though, every time mh is around she immediately starts winking at me and blurting out about my "feelings for him" and it's just like... aaaaa-

anyhow, going back on topic... so I sat with this group and only like 5 minutes went by before GUESS WHO walked in. I was mentally like "oH NOOOOO!!!" half expecting ch or n or some other random girl to randomly appear or there to just be some crazy other unforeseen thing about to go down. x'DD well lol no, instead he decided to take a seat by us all, WHEW! well then mh and I went off on our usual round of poking fun and being loud with each other lol. well then ja poked her head over at us and continued to talk about how I get "sooo happy when mh is around" and how strong my "feelings are" and I was just like... oh MAN-- meanwhile ca was just like "I have no idea what's going on..." and after a bit of this she goes to us, "are you two dating?" O_O....

I like, nearly died of awkwardness omg. x'D I told her no, and then mh and ja continued to go off on this talk about me having a crush on him though and mh making assumptions as to what I fancy about him. ...cough. (he thinks it's his sense of humor. well, idk if it's necessarily that lol, more like the attention he gives me when he's anticipating my reaction to his jokes? also, I feel like his honesty's the number one thing. he's willing to share anything and everything with me, and I feel like there's this immense trust between us. it's that that I value most.) well yep guess the cat's out of the bag anyway. everyone at that table knows I like mh now. (I found it funny how mh also said that he assumed I was sitting where I was because he knows that I know he sits there often and I wanted to sit with him. LOOOL, on the contrary I was trying to avoid him in fear of the curse. XDDD seems the curse has come to an end though.)

sigh. I still feel I need to make a proper confession to mh though. alone. I'm thinking end of this semester, before we don't see each other for... awhile. kinda like I did with m, when I came all clean to her on her last day, and I told her I loved her for the first time. ..should I tell mh I love him too? I don't wanna scare him away with that phrase lol, but I mean... it's true. and that phrase, clearly, does not have to be used in that sense.

I'm starting to feel like I really probably don't have a chance with him, which is, saddening. I feel like, if he was to be interested back, he would've made a move by now, especially considering how well he knows that I definitely like him myself. of course he did say he isn't looking right now, after the painful experiences of his last. maybe he will be ready at some point. bleh, idk man. he sends me... so many mixed vibes. I adore him though, and him alone. I'm not going to throw in the towel and seek out someone else, so long as there is any possibility, no matter how tiny, that we could someday be something more.

welp, group meeting in 30 minutes now. best be going. very glad the curses have stopped lol, instead we got that weird adventure. which was alright, no hard feelings were made there, it was awkward especially when ca asked the question she did, but I got a good kick out of it too. x'D sometimes you've just gotta learn to sit back and not take life too seriously. ...that's not always easy for me, but I'm working on it.
(holy cats, think this is my longest one of these so far, plus we're on page 3!)
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

may 7th, 2019 ♥
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alas, I am here to waste my time again! I could be working on the intro/conclusion to my speech which must be ready for review tomorrow, or doing some piano since my teacher approached me wanting me to have a recital in 10 days (much fun.) but nahhh. I'm just gonna sit here and procrastinate.

bleh, I honestly don't feel too good today. think I might've come down with something. >.< I was awoken by the maintenance guy coming in my room early this morning and felt kinda sick to my stomach after that, assumed it was just me getting drug out of bed and into a social situation too fast lol. but nope. now I've got a sore throat and I just feel so tired and ache-y in general uggg.

soo, been almost a week since I wrote one of these up I see. it's been a loooong week to say the least. classes aren't really hard, it's just they're so frequent and there's so little time to do assignments. >_< having them with mh is still going alright, I got kinda fed-up with him last week cause of all his annoying habits/quirks I've discovered lol. (unable to sit still, he's also TERRRIBLE at doing work where we have to partner up (prefers to do his own thing), aaand he has a tendency to be late. sigh.) this week I've kinda just learned to roll with 'em though, they're not worth getting annoyed about.

work over the weekend was... interesting. on saturday before work mh and I sat together, and well, he told me something he's brought up a few times in the past. he might not be attending the college next year. I remember when he first brought it up for some reason, back in january when I was standing around chatting with m before I really knew him he brought it up to her. he brought it up again on... that night. and he brought it up the day before this as well. so he's talked about it a lot, but I've really kinda worked to shut it out of my mind. the thought of him not being there anymore... it's just too much to handle. well when he brought it up as we were sitting together that evening idk what happened, but I just lost all my self-control and started to cry. lol boy I bet I looked pathetic to him. probably was also a huge wake-up call to him about just how much I care for and value him. I continued to get poked fun of for being a "crybaby" the whole night, but ah well.

sunday work was also interesting... so a bit of backstory, there's this guy who I work with as well who we shall now call aa. I've known aa for a really, reaallly long time now, since I started work there pretty much. aa's alright, he's kinda strange, but also super polite and kind. well for like, the past 3 days in a row now aa has been going places with my roommate l. apparently aa thinks l is attracted to him LOL. l says otherwise, though I sometimes wonder if she's being honest, considering she refuses to turn him down and the way I've seen those two interact. hmm. well anyway, so sunday both mh and I were on dishline (YEE, only time I get excited about being put there X'D) and aa was back there with us, loading the dishmachine. aa and mh never really met before that night. well mh and I were being our usual loud selves, and mh was big-time messing with me again. well aa got involved, being the nosy guy he is, and ended up getting... really offended by the way mh was speaking to me?? he kept coming up to me and praising me for the "good job I'm doing" and saying that I am "clearly above him". mh went to the restroom and aa continued to complain about how long he was taking and how lousy he was and that got me kinda offended... like, I don't care how nice you are, you just don't pick on the people I value most. well that wasn't even the worst of it all... when we were cleaning up and it was nearing the end of the shift mh was picking on me some more and aa came up to mh and asked very seriously, "why are you wasting your life trying to ruin hers?"
…
mh continued to laugh off what aa said and told him it was all just a friendly competition between us. which is what is, really. kinda scares me how the number of people I know who dislike/distrust mh is growing though... I swear, all the jokes that go on between mh and I are simply for fun and games. the shouting matches we have at work are simply for show lol, nothing more. neither of us are offended by what we say to the other, and mh is by no means ruining my life. no, no aa. in fact it's quite the opposite. having him pester me brings me a lot of laughter and joy.
I'm going to be so broken if that laughter and joy is suddenly gone come next year. </3

after I had my unexpected cry saturday night (lol), I decided to write him a letter. I've got it just sitting around now. I'm planning to give it to him the last time I see him, before we say goodbye for the summer... maybe awhile longer. I refuse to say forever. nope. I'm going to see him again, even if he's not coming back here. I'm making sure of that. I love him too much. I'm not losing him. I can't.

I'm thinking about telling him "I love you" when we depart for the last time. I'm ??scared?? though. what if he thinks I'm saying it solely on romantic terms and freaks out thinking I've got the wrong idea or something. I mean I suppose I do partially mean it in that way, but it's also so much more. it's like I feel this bond to him, one that runs so much deeper than that. I don't even know how to go about describing it. there are just no right words for the sort of love I have for him. I want to say it to him. I feel I should, because I don't know... when, I'll have the chance to do it again. I did the same thing with m, after all. I told her those three words as I hugged her goodbye on her last day. she told me she loved me too, and it made me feel really, really warm inside. ??I wonder how mh would respond though?? idk if he'd tell it to me back, I know he cares about me, but sadly, part of me doubts he cares to the great extent I do. if he did say it back I'd probably go wild though lol. I'd be so happy to hear it from him, and it would make me all that more determined to see him again. oof, it's a scary thought trying to figure out how he'll react. ...only one way to find out for sure though? eh? ehh???
..I wonder how many people have said it to him. and how many he's said it to. those three words are so powerful, at least to me anyway. I don't say them unless I mean it with all my heart, and when people say it to me, I sure do remember it. that's why I think it's so important I tell them to him. I'm just... nervous though.

well, now that I've, literally, written a mini-novel. I should do some actual work that will be beneficial towards that shiny degree lol.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

may 15th, 2019 ♥
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ugh, man does it ever feel like a wednesday... the evening hasn't even hit yet so yikes. I'm a lil scared.
I'm honestly having a mental meltdown right now and it's so not good. there is only a week and 2 days left of school and I am so. so. SO. not ready for the end. I got my summer housing assignment not too long ago and well... let's just say it's not "insanely cheap" like I made it out to be. mostly cause I couldn't swallow my pride and choose the much cheaper quad-housing option. so yeah. idk how payment for it works... if they expect me to cough that amount up on move-in day, may 31st, I AM A GONER. a darn job is what I need to deal with this... except I still have none apart from my on-campus job (that I'll barely profit from). I've applied to three different places, haven't gotten a call or anything.

that and... in a week and 2 days I have to say goodbye to everyone. all my friends, l, ca, ja, and at the very top of them all mh. he leaves the 26th - a little later than most since he has to sing on graduation day. I am not ready to give that letter to him. I am not prepared to look him in the eye for possibly the last time, before he turns around and leaves. yeah, I've been hit with the horrible reality that if he does choose not to come back next year, then I may never see him again. I can't. I just can't. he may have only stepped into my life three and a half months ago. but he means more to me than I can ever put into words. I've lost so many people in my life, I've had so many friends come and go over the years. I can't take another loss. especially one as valuable as him.

idk what I want to do. part of me is honestly considering the possibility of chickening out, cancelling the summer housing, and going home. there's not really anything worth staying here for. initially the reason I really wanted to stay here was because of m. but well, she's not really around so much. I did see her yesterday again, thank the stars. but yeah, I am only seeing her like once a month+ since she left. who's to say I couldn't take a few hours out of my day to drive out and see her from home, she does only live 2 hours away from there. I won't have any other friends here over the summer. I still don't have a job or even a hint of an interview for one. I'm just costing myself an extra debt by remaining here - and for what? my pride??? my pride left the moment reality walked through that door, thanks.

but then again when I think about tucking my tail between my legs and running home I cringe. what's for me there either apart from saving money??? still don't have friends over there. still don't have a job. am just going to be pressured by my parents to get a job asap. plus I really do hate that house. and I am at least in better range of seeing the people I really care about here. it's closer to m. it's closer to l, if she wanted to call me up or something. and it's closer to mh… just in case he did want to meet up. good god, I hope he does. I hope at the very least my letter motivates him to stay in contact with me. even if I can't see his face anymore, he better still send me a call or a text. at some point in time.

so yeah. I'm having a mental freakout right now. idk what I should do...!!!!!! stay here and pay this huge fee for what? just to avoid that house and my family who mentally weigh me down? to have over a thousand less dollars in profit? in the small, sheer hope I'll get to see the people I really care about once or twice? or do I cower and go home, to live in that hideous house for three months while my parents throw a bunch of jobs in my face, and I have no chance whatsoever of seeing anyone I care for?

gahhhh. I need to have a deep thinking session, clearly. I should go do that now, before I have to go to supper. (which I'm dreading. I'm already feeling really low right now. if anything happens there it is going to send me spiraling. ...at least I can spill it down on l or text mh if it gets that bad again.) then I've got a dress rehearsal for my piano recital on friday (did I mention this previously? my parents are coming to it aaaa! I told mh about it and he's been going on and on and on about my mother for the past three days. ok, I'll admit it's pretty funny lol. idk if he'll see my parents... my mom really wants to set up a meet-up with him LOL. I asked mh if he wanted to and he's been going back and forth between "I'm going to hide from your mom all day" and "I'm going to come and make your mom mad" so lol idk. x'D he won't be at the recital, that's for sure though, he works during it. nothing's stopping him from seeing us before then though lol.) anyway, then I have a group meeting after that too. so it's going to be a terribly busy evening. >_<

I wish I could just stop time. just be here, without a worry, surrounded by mh and my other friends. I am not ready for this time to end.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

may 22nd, 2019 ♥
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here I am, tossing away my time again. I've got a group meeting to go to in... 34 minutes at the time of typing this, so I don't have very long to sit here and type lol. group meeting is for the speech I have to give tomorrow, except I'm like... weirdly not nervous at all?? xD I rehearsed it twice this afternoon and it was pretty darn solid so yeah... I've apparently somehow become a decent public speaker???? strange, but I'm not complaining lol.

tomorrow is the last day of classes. and then friday... is the day I go home. yep, on monday I made my final decision. I decided I am gonna go home after all. idk, the financial cost of staying here just seemed like too much. if I'm jobless I can't afford to pay that off. if I had to pay that upfront my parents would not exactly be the happiest with me. plus I started to think about it more and decided, umm, who says I do have to spend the whole summer hiding away in my parent's house?? I am my own adult, have been for awhile now. I need to realize that I have my own freedom. if I want to go shopping one day, I don't need my mom's approval or her to go with me lol. if I decide I want to go visit m for the day (which I do seriously want to do >.<) then once again I don't need my mom's approval. I can do that. I need to realize I have my own independence, which is something I strangely haven't been able to comprehend before lol.

ugg... I'm not ready for the end though. I am still in dread as of right now, and I don't think that dread is going anywhere. right before I started this I sent mh a text I've been needing to seriously send but avoiding the whole day lol, asking... when he can meet so I can deliver him the letter I wrote him, and give him a goodbye hug. >_< I'm going to cry when I do this. I just know it... he hasn't responded yet but that's ok, I don't wanna see his response, because seeing it... makes it real. (though I do really, reaaaalllyyy need to have a response from him, since I need to make note 24 hours in advance of when I'm leaving, and idk when I'm leaving right now, because when I'm leaving revolves entirely around when I get to deliver my farewell to mh… aaaaa--)

sigh. anyway, the past week has been fine. sadly didn't get to talk with mh as much as I was hoping for. my parents coming down was alright, no they did not end up seeing mh lol. my recital went well then we went out to eat and went swimming. I re-taught myself how to swim, and I'm still feeling prideful about that. x'D I really should go swimming here again before I go home. tomorrow I suppose after class.

...I'm just not ready for the end, gah. that's sadly all I can think about. :c I'm not ready to give mh that letter, I'm not ready to say goodbye... I've made up my mind I'm gonna tell him those three special words though. it's gonna be difficult, but I just know I'm going to be kicking myself for months with regret if I don't. I'm so scared how he's going to react... if he can't meet friday then I have to do this TOMORROW already too yet. yikes!!!!!

...originally I was going to have him help me pack my stuff into my truck like I did over spring break, but unfortunately that fell through hard when he told me he already agreed to help three of his other friends. >_< so yeah, that's complicated things for me quite a bit, gah. why the heck did he agree to help so many people anyway, and why did they all flock to him??? grr, I don't want to ponder it. there's not enough time left to be petty and focus on the negative feelings. I have to make every last moment count. because the end is near, and if mh doesn't come back next year, then.... then it really could be "the end".

I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
...I'm going to go curl up in the corner till it's my group meeting time I guess. gahhhhh. next time I write one of these up here, the end will have probably come and gone.
I'm not ready, I'm not ready....
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

may 27th, 2019 ♥
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alas, I am home and this year of college is done. now for the next three months I'm back to being a basement-dwelling nobody with no social life. woooo. I've been home for 3?? days?? now? idk, I'm having a difficult time telling time right now for some reason lol. tomorrow I have job interviews for 2 different jobs so yikes. I'm not totally interested in either of the positions (first one involves coffee and errr, I really hate coffee honestly lol, and the second one is for a fast-food chain which I'm not big into either. didn't like the sound of the manager over the phone either, grr. maybe he's better in person.) money is still money though. and it'll get my mom off my back. she's been on my case, just as I expected, since whenever I got home. sigh.

what I really want to talk about here is how departing from mh went on friday. so we ended up agreeing that he would let me know when I would be free to come over, since he wasn't sure how his schedule was going to pan out for the day. l's mom came at around 1:30 that day and she was... an interesting character to say the least lol. l had a mutual friend of ours help her move her appliances, so I ended up moving my stuff into my truck too at that time since I also needed his help with my own fridge. l and her mom continued to bicker back and forth while we cleaned the room and then we said our goodbyes at around 3:30. sigh, I'm gonna miss living with l, I'm disappointed she's moving in with her annoying best friend and didn't even bother to ask if I'd be interested in rooming again. >_> would've saved me SO much trouble if she had been willing. oh well. at least we'll still get to see each other around quite a bit, when we get back together in the fall.

then I continued to sit in my empty room, dying of boredom, for two hours straight until mh FINALLY called me erghhhhh. I was so ready to go at that point lol, being stuck in a completely empty room feels worse than prison. x'D so I checked out of my room and then went to his. I got there and we briefly chatted a little bit about how our day was going, summer plans, etc. then I gave him the letter and he told me "it better not be a sob-story or a profession of your love to me" which made me kinda like eeeehhhh…. cause uhhh, though that's not fully what the letter was about... yes, those elements were in there. I handed him it anyway and then we hugged each other. after we parted I quick blurted it out - "I love you". he'd already turned away from me but looked over his shoulder, and simply told me "see ya". I told him the same thing back before running out of the room. OOF.

agggggggghhhhhhhhhhh I still feel so baddddd about the whole ordeal. I was so worried about how he was going to respond to it, and though his response could've been worse, he still did not take it well at all. it would've been alright if he'd even just looked me in the eye, or smiled, or something. but nooo. he just straight-up avoided it altogether and left me feeling so awkward. part of me is filled with this terrible, feeling like I've messed up. (brb the phone went off. ok, it was just an e-mail. some tiny part of me thought maybe it was mh, sparing me from continuing to dwell in my pit of suffering, ahaha, ha... ha...) maybe it was a bad idea to tell him that, maybe he did take it severely the wrong way, thinking I was confessing my feelings to him through that phrase, when I feel like he's somewhat made it clear now that he's not looking or interested in me. (and then I further confirmed his thoughts through what was written in that letter -FACEDESK-). that's not exactly how I was meaning it, it was meant to be kind of like how I said it to m. aaa!

at the same time though, if I hadn't told him, then I would probably be sitting here right now beating myself up about how I failed to tell him too yet, grrr. at least I know how he responded to it now. though that response was far from desirable. >< I haven't heard a word from him since we departed, and I wish he would say something, so that I can stop fretting over this whole ordeal and put it to rest. I'm worried I might've severely damaged our friendship with that phrase and the contents of the letter. maybe I was being too pushy to the point I've pushed him away! I want to text him so bad and tell him I'm sorry if I said anything, whether it be that phrase or something in that letter, that's set him off in any way. but at the same time I feel bugging him might make it even worse. I'm probably best just giving him space right now, so he can also get over everything I dumped on him in person and in that letter. god, I just hope this hasn't put a dent in our friendship. I hope him knowing about my feelings doesn't make things awkward between us. I don't want him treating me differently because he now knows for a fact I like him... god, I hope he doesn't avoid talking to me altogether because of my feelings....

sighhh. the current plan is to just continue to not say anything, see if he says something. if he doesn't say something in like... a month... then I'll text him again and ask how things are going. (is it even worth mentioning our departure/the letter?? I really want to set things straight but I also don't want to open old wounds. >_<) idk if I can make it a whole month though, my mind might go crazy. bleh!

well, I ought to go take a shower and get to sleep. got to also practice for those interview questions -shudder-. I feel like I always suck at interviews, like I never say enough and don't say the right things. -headdesk- I despise my lifeee.

well, we'll see how long it is till I type another one of these things. I hope the future is brighter. I hope mh is still willing to speak with my sad self too yet.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

june 4th, 2019 ♥
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lol I was honestly coming to just read through these, though when I saw how scarily outdated the last entry was, I just had to write another one oof. man, it's only been what, 8 days since I last wrote on here, but SO MUCH has happened it's like... eeshh!

where to start anyways? I had my two job interviews, while also continuing to get called in for interviews by 5 OTHER PLACES. yeah mom thanks for making me apply to so many in one go /sarcasm. -_- the second place I interviewed for (fast food place) was really kinda… ehhhh when I pulled up to it... there was a sign posted on the door about how they were closed for the next two days to repair some equipment?? so I called the manager and he said he was inside and that I could come meet him around the back. he literally talked to me for only like two minutes before he offered me the job, to which I was like, wat. ...I took it though since, ughh, money is money. he wanted me to come in friday.
well then I had the rest of my interviews over last week, and I interviewed at another fast food place where I was also given the job practically on the spot. since this position paid nearly a dollar more I decided, after a day of thought, to ditch the first place and take this offer instead. so I did. had my first day of work at it today. first thoughts? NOT IMPRESSED! the place was a major rush, clearly they are short-staffed, and I had to stand around for close to 30 minutes while the manager was running around trying to hold the place together. I felt horrible just getting paid to stand there while watching all the other employees work to the point one older lady had to go cool herself off by standing in the freezer. I also had this terrible sense of not fitting in - everyone working there is easily more than double my age, their education is low, their financial status just as low. I'm not going to brag and say I'm much above them (I'm honestly not lol), but I just feel like I really don't belong in that crowd. I feel like I'm meant for and can do so much better. >_< (also, I really hate my employee uniform LOL. I feel like a major dork in it - I was so embarrassed by how I looked in it I wore a sweater till I got to work (despite it being 90 degrees Fahrenheit. XDD) eventually the manager did get around to me, and then I sat in his office watching training videos for 3 hours. blehhh. now I've been scheduled to come back in thursday, for 9 whole hours in this place! aaa!

I had an interview yesterday for one of my favorite stores, and they called me a couple hours later to offer me the job OMG!!! now that made me feel good about myself - since the place is of a lot better status lol. they were supposed to call me today to schedule a day to come in for (more) training though and didn't. ?? oh boy, that's got me worried. >_< I still have to keep my crummy fast food job though as they said right now they could only guarantee me around 15 hours at this place. (I also had another interview during the week with another place I really liked, plus it's a place that I could actually transfer to back in my college town and keep it over the school year, so I could make way more than I do through my college's beyond measly pay! they said because the district manager (guy determining if I get the position) is on vacation I won't hear back for about a week. omg!! I hope I get it though!! if I have that and the other job I got offered doesn't fall through... then that means I can ditch fast food place, phew! let's hope I get the job!!)

lol, anyway now that I've covered that aspect of my life. soooo... I ended up giving in like I knew I would and reached out to the infamous mh on sunday. I just simply asked him how things were going and to my MAJOR relief, he texted back pretty soon after whewwww!! we've been speaking daily again the past few days, and it's pretty much been the same old bantering between us that I love, hehe. I decided not to bring up anything about the letter or what I said and I'm glad I've stayed quiet. I think it's best, at least for now, that I just keep it swept under the rug. what matters is that contrary to the terrible fears running through my head, he does not despise me now, and things are all good.

mh did have a pretty huge update to give to me though.. he told me that he's planning on moving to a big city (about an hour away from college, and his home) to live with his brother and a high school friend in july. that and he's looking at getting a pretty big job as well, that would be a major step in his career field. omg, I totally did not see any of this coming. I mean, the rest of his siblings have already moved out of the family house (he's the youngest), and it's not exactly like he is that young himself anymore, so I can see why he would choose to move. but still... man! (I wish I could move out, so much. ofc my income is terrible at the moment, I'm working at the bottom of the barrel right now. I'm feeling awfully envious of him.) this has got me wondering though... maybe he really isn't coming back next year? if he's got a place separate from his parents, and if he lands this job... then he's got himself set on this whole other path, one that he doesn't need a college degree to sustain. besides, coming back to college for his remaining amount of time will only cost him so much more... I did tell him in the letter to do what makes him happy, and if college isn't it, then he shouldn't come back. ugh, it hurts my heart though. will I ever get to see him again? </3

so he doesn't return my feelings. he doesn't hate me either for me throwing all that at him either though, ha ha… ha... eh, at least that's good to know. my mom was gossiping with me tonight and apparently there's this guy who my dad works with (I met him once, though I don't really remember him well) that is like, in love with me. e_e apparently he's told my dad that he's going to be my dad's "son-in-law" and how he's now going to come visit me at my fast food job and it's like... dude! my mom was going on to me about how I should give him a chance and go out with him but it's like... sorry, but no. I know I very, very, very likely have no chance whatsoever with mh. that still doesn't stop me from having feelings for him though, and feelings aren't things that just go away overnight. until those feelings pass, I have no interest in anyone else. (besides, I'm not interested in going out with random guys who are obsessed with me. I work best starting as friends, and growing from there.) sorry my dude. befriend me first, and ask again after awhile.

even though my feelings for mh will come to pass though, I know I'll always hold a special place for him in my heart. he's benefited my life in so many ways. he's my little ray of sunshine, and for that, I will always love him. <3

alright, I've rambled for way too long. it's bedtime now. I still need to respond to mh's latest message lol, no idea how I should respond though. I've been a little slow with responses to him since we started talking again lol. probably just me being extra cautious after everything that's gone down. x_x
well, till the next time.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

♫ i love you but i don't like you - molly moore

I've been thinking about you so much the past two days again. who am I kidding, I'm always thinking about you. you've been on my mind for every single waking day for the past four months. sometimes I wish I could put you behind me. I wish I could just get up and go on, and start thinking about other people in my life. I wish I could go put myself out there and meet other people, go on dates with other people, and so on. I'm ready to be in a relationship. I just wish that relationship was with you.

I feel like a lot of this is your fault, you know that? you led me on whether you realized it or not. you treated me so special for that first month that we hung out. you were always there, waking me up with a good morning text. do you know how much that brightened my day to see that message on my screen either when I woke up, or when I glanced at my phone in my 9am english class? m, my greatest friend had just taken a step out of my life. I didn't have any other close friends, apart from my roommate really. no one had given me undivided attention like that before, so of course I was bound to develop feelings for you. I miss that month, where we hung out every other day, and you'd call me all those cute nicknames, and send me those silly pictures of yourself, and we'd laugh and poke fun at each other, and most importantly you'd be there to listen.

of course I was bound to come to trust you, because you were always there. I had never, ever opened myself up to any person in the world, before you. you helped me become more open to others, and start talking to other people, and be willing to speak up for myself. you know what though? you know why I started sitting with other people, and started making more friends? it was all to try and impress you.

that night, that night. I just can't get it out of my head. february 23rd, 2019, was the night I came to terms that I was in love with you. I thought you were into me to for the weeks leading up to that night, and after that night, I was convinced. why else would you want me to spend the night and sleep beside you? I didn't sleep at all that night, I had way too much going on in my head. but you held me in your arms, for the entire night, and ran your fingers through my hair. you made me feel like the most special and happiest girl in the whole entire world. it was there and then I realized that I could do this every night, for the rest of my life. I wanted to kiss you so much in that moment, you know that? but I hesitated, just in case. it seems maybe I was right to do so.

I feel like our relationship definitely started to change, following that night. we started to hang out less frequently. then you started to sit with other people. you started talking to n more, the friend I saw you with the most before I came into your life. and then I started to see you around with c, who I still hate with a burning passion. she might have a boyfriend, but every time I see you talk to her... it looks so... natural. you guys can just go on talking forever, and having such a great time while you're at it. not to mention c is practically your stereotypical pretty girl. she is everything I am not, and I hate her for it. I'm not criticizing you for hanging out with people besides me. everyone needs their space, and everyone needs more than one person in their life. it was just weird to go from being the center of your attention to having it extremely diverted. and then, shortly after that, you started calling me out for hanging out with you too much. I remember on that one night, when I broke down to you, and came clean on all my anxiety issues that had been plaguing my mind for years you made a note about how I sit with you too much. and then, on the final month, you called me out for hanging out with you too much. you made me admit that you're the person who I hang out with the most, and grumbled somewhat about how you sometimes felt you needed to invite me over just to get me off your back for a little while.

you know what though? it was your fault. I don't see why you felt a need to call me out for those things! YOU were the one who was always there for me for the entire month of february - of course I was going to get used to having you always there! when I first met you I tried to make excuses to push you back because I wasn't sure about letting you in, but I gave in and decided to let you in, wholeheartedly. but then the moment I felt myself falling in love with you you suddenly started to push back. I just want to know why. did you ever consider me as being something more? I often get the hunch you did, because of that night. you just don't cuddle up to a friend like that... why the sudden change though? why did you suddenly make me out to be the bad guy?

I put up with so much for you, mh. so much. the months following february you would make so much fun of me, doing everything in your power to try and make me angry with you. there were so many people, my friends, coworkers, who would tell you off for how mean you were to me. one of my friends even came and yelled at you for ruining my life. but I just sat back and took it all, laughing the whole way. because I loved it. I loved seeing you smile as you watched my reaction to your jokes. I loved all the attention you gave me, with some sad part of me just hoping that maybe someday you would want me as something more. I feel like we only started to get more and more distant, though. the final month when I had classes with you was the month that I hoped would be something special. in reality it sucked though. you never wanted to partner up with me, instead choosing to go off on your own. you chatted with a whole bunch of the other classmates, and through watching all your interactions with them I realized that to you I had just become one of many friends. we hardly talked at all the final week of class, before I handed you that letter and told you that I loved you on the last day.

it's a shame, mh. I don't know what I ever did to suddenly no longer appeal to you. you led me on that first month, you led me to think that we could be something more. you've had some horrible girlfriends in the past, from the stories of your highschool romances that you told me. I could've showed you something so much better. I would've been willing to put up with everything you dealt at me. I don't care if you have depression and anxiety. I don't care if you have a crude sense of humor. I don't care if your grades aren't perfect, if you have a bad work ethic. I don't care if you're generally not a friendly person. because I know you for who you really are. you're honest and wholesome, and that is why I put all my trust in you. if you hadn't suddenly started to push me back, if you'd asked me out, if you'd given me a shot and let me in, I could've shown you just how much I care. you mean the world to me. I love you.

I wish sometimes, and now in this moment, that I could just let you go. I want to accept the fact that you don't like me in that way, so I can go out there and find a man who does. my stupid heart won't let me though. you made me the happiest I've been in, well, my whole life. some sick part of my soul still hesitates and thinks I should wait. thinking maybe, maybe someday, some months or a year or five or ten years from now that maybe, just maybe you'll come around and see me the way I see you, and what I all have to offer. it would be so easy to just let you go. but I can't. not now. I wish I could text you and tell you all this, but I feel like I already messed up enough with that last letter. now you don't even use any nicknames on me, good or bad. our communication is limited, mostly serious topics. I feel like the more I talk to you, the greater we pull away... why? why is it like this?

sincerely, ma.

(side note - all this stuff has been eating my mind the past two days, ugh. decided to stick it here rather than the "write a letter you cannot send" thread since all this stuff was more personal and I wanted less eyes on it... stuck a song link at the top that I found the other day and felt particularly suited my circumstances... thinking maybe I should do that more often, I listen to a LOT of music and I pretty much have a song for everything lol. idk if I'll write an actual entry today or nah. we'll see. I'm going to go listen to some tunes outdoors and reflect on my life now.)

[Trexxa]

june 14th, 2019 ♥
-
two days later! I am here to do a proper entry. that was quite a lot I got out wednesday... I feel like it helped to type all that out though. a lot of that was stuff I'd been keeping hidden in the back of my mind for many weeks now. a lot of that stuff surfaced for me earlier this week though and I don't know why. I needed to put it out there though. idk what to really say about it... I guess I was just tired of playing pretend and that everything was perfect with mh. he has his own flaws that I don't really like to talk about. I'm just tired now though, I guess. I've had enough of pretending.

sigh... mh texted me ??nearly a week ago?? though I haven't responded to his last message. at first I wasn't sure what to say and then that's when my thoughts surfaced and I decided I didn't really want to speak to him. idk when I'll text back, I feel kinda bad for randomly ditching our conversation like that, but... ehhh… I don't feel like talking to him necessarily right now either. I need to space myself from him a bit. I need to stop hoping for something that probably will never happen.

anywho, I still haven't started the job at the other place I got offered, grrr! I did not receive the email containing the necessary paperwork I had to fill out before being brought in for training and thus we had to cancel my first day twice. I finally got the paperwork tuesday and filled it out. they still haven't given me a call back about rescheduling. -_- I'll probably make a call myself on monday, again, grr.

tonight I also found out I got a job at another place that I really wanted, because it's a little more advanced than the other places I've applied to, and I can actually transfer to one of their locations in my college's town once the school year begins again at the end of august... yee! (reading my previous post and noticing I mentioned this one too lol, oops. well here's a nice recap anyway.) goodbye college dining hall, more money here I come lol. so whenever I finally get settled down at this place, and then hopefully at the other job as well, I suppose I'll quit my job at the fast food place. ...is it bad that I feel slightly terrible about leaving that job now though lol. idk, the job may be the bottom of the barrel. but some of the people there are really nice, and are really grateful for my help. I've really come to like my trainer, who we shall refer to as b. he's really easy to talk to and super helpful. and the manager is always talking me up so much, saying I'm the type of employee he wants. he thinks I'm doing a spectacular job and wishes he could always find help as great as mine. ughhh, I feel terrible like I'm going to crush all these people's souls by just walking out after a couple weeks. sigh, this job I got offered tonight is just so much better for me in the long-run though. the only thing this fast food job has to offer me is some extra cash.

meehh, I don't think I've got much else to say. I'm a bit proud of myself though, since I've been a bit productive in other areas I really wanted to be the past few days. not sure if I've ever brought this up before, but what I really want to do with my life is become a writer for video games. there's this one game called star stable online that I've been playing for nearly seven years that's heavily inspired me. I'm so in love with its storyline and it's made me want to bring something similar into the world. I've thought about working for that company directly someday, but, the game has strayed a bit from the direction I'd personally like to see it go in the past few years, so idk if I'd find it the best fit anymore. it'd be cool to work on a storyline for another game though. I've also thought about creating my own game, as ambitious as that is... I wrote up a pretty big document the other day with my vision on the game's storyline, graphics, game features and so on. (: I also really like to write a lot of fanfiction lol, and there's this one pretty massive story that I've been working on since 2016. it's taking me forever to progress with the story since I have SO much background material for it, and there are so many different elements I'm trying to include in it. I'm averaging getting about two chapters of the actual story done per year, ew. today I worked on another chapter though, so that felt nice.

maybe spacing myself from mh a bit is a good thing. it's given me a chance to think more about my future career-wise, and everything I want to accomplish hobby-wise. I feel a bit like I'm settling into that mindset I had before I began attending college though, oof. basically feeling like relationships only hold me back from everything else I want to accomplish with my life... I feel like maybe it's kind of true? sigh, I dunno anymore. idk when I'll text mh back, I want to, so as to make it stop looking like I'm ignoring him. like I said though, I think distancing myself from him a bit is something I really need to do too. for my mental health, if nothing else...
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

june 16th, 2019 ♥
-
here for no reason other than to waste my time lol. currently at work right now and woo. it is not fun. -_- I'm on break at the moment, still have about 20 minutes left before I have to return to that... fun place. my coworkers sure are annoying me tonight, grrr. I'm working with this one girl I haven't met before and at first she came off as nice, she's about my age too. lol well I've found out literally all she's good at is complaining and gossiping. if she doesn't know how to do something then she'll put literally no effort into finding out how to do it. she told me she heard this one guy has a crush on her and great now that's all I think of everytime I look at him. e_e she talks about going to parties and how she hates all these guys and I'm just like... oki.

then there's this other guy who keeps bugging me and he's reminding me SO MUCH of mh it's almost creeping me out. he's gone on this mission of trying to make me angry and it's like... oml. he's literally treating me the exact same as mh did in those later months. this guy's doing it a little... heavier though. and he's not quite as appropriate. uhh I can assure you I don't care for him nearly like how I (unfortunately) care for mh.

then there's my manager tonight... who keeps flinging all these tasks I've never done before at me and it's really, really making my head spin. Like, I don't want to bag orders if I don't understand how to read the labels... I could make a mess pretty fast if I'm not careful. then she want(ed?) to put me on drive through which I REALLY don't want to do... it's so hard to understand these people through the mic and they throw out their orders so fast, aaa! I'm already feeling overwhelmed the way it is! x_x (the whole world is going through drive through too right now, luckily I'm on break so ha ha.)

since it's really not busy the manager said she's going to have to let either me or the girl go early. she's letting us pick and the girl, like most things, doesn't care either way. -_- uggg I want to go home early, I've still got three and a half flipping hours if I stay... plus then I have to clean the entire lobby and close it down. it's been an unpleasant night so far and it might just be best for me to get out before anything worse happens... plus I really, really don't want to do closing cleanup. of course more money is more money... idk how this is going to go. >_<

alright I'm done venting lol. time to prepare for my doom back inside. I think I might text mh back soon, finally. I've cooled down a bit and I could just use somebody to talk to again. :[
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

june 23rd, 2019 ♥
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I am back to pointlessly ponder my life for another good ten minutes. yay.
summer has officially started as of two days ago. I honestly don't remember when my time at college ended lol, but I know it's got to be at around a month by now. I've started thinking a lot about college again the past couple days... not necessarily the people surprisingly, more so the lifestyle. hmm. I finally found out where I'm living next year (ugg - when I went to get my room assigned after the whole lottery nightmare in march the lady didn't bother to tell me my floor nor my room number. -_-) it's strangely enough a room very close to where ca and ja had their rooms, and the room number is the same as the number I had of the room with l LOL. at the current time I still haven't been assigned any roommate... hmm. am I really going to be living alone? that kinda saddens me. I may be extremely antisocial in the real world, though at my time at college I realized... I do really need the presence of others, if nothing else. once I got settled in with l we had this whole routine going where we'd at least take ten minutes out of our day, everyday, just to discuss each other's days and random other little things on our mind. it was nice, and I'm really gonna miss that when I go back. I really hope I don't end up on my own. (though I was also thinking, hey at least if I lived alone I could feel free to invite others over. I never invited anyone to my room since I uh, didn't want l there lol. and most of the people whose rooms I was invited to had no roommates themselves. so I guess I could be the new hangout space. x'D)

anyways, not a whole lot has happened this past week. continuing off last week's story, about an hour after I got back to work the manager randomly announced that I was going home, like what! the other girl working with me was so mad, since she'd literally called her friends over her own break saying she would be getting off early, and she'd even organized a meet-up with them. so uh yeah, that was interesting to say the least.

work has been fine, I guess, since then. tomorrow I'm (FINALLY UGH) going in for my first day with my favorite store. then wednesday I also have my first day at the better job I was hoping for. so... when I come in on thursday for the fast food place I'm going to have to tell the manager I'm quitting. gulp. I've been rehearsing it a lot in my head as to how I'm going to do it. I feel kinda bad, since he and pretty much all my coworkers have been really nice to me. I don't want us to part on bad terms at all. I don't want him to think it has anything to do with him, nor do I want him to get this bad image of me either... urgh. I have to do it though, working three jobs is just insane. and the other two just have too many more "pros" over this one.

I have failed to text mh anything back, oof lol. I know exactly what I'm going to say, just casually asking him how things are going on his end. for some reason I just can't get myself to actually open up my messages, type it up and hit send. >_< I'm willing to speak with him again, believe me. I had my huge rant the other week, and now I've calmed down, and now I'm just looking for a familiar face to talk to. idk why I just can't send it though. x_x

...I'm also really feeling desperate to get into contact with m again. been wanting to call her for weeks now. I want to go visit her for the weekend soooo badlyyyy. I've been holding out on calling her for a legitimate reason though, since I keep being scheduled to work every stupid weekend. and when I call her I wanna arrange something, so I don't want to call unless I know I have a free weekend that I can plan for. (god I hope she ok's me coming out to see her. worried I'll tell her I decided to come home and she'll tell me the drive isn't worth it or something. nooooo m. I haven't seen you in close to two months now and I love you like a mom. I like driving, and even if I didn't, I'd be willing to drive any distance for you.) god I miss her though. I want to go visit her house, see her cats, sit down and have a nice cup of tea. I want to tell her the whole thing about me and mh. she only knows bits and pieces about what all happened between us. I told her we'd become close back in march, and she herself ended up jumping to conclusions and thinking we were together. I ended up having to correct her when we had lunch together in april and that was really awkward. last time we talked she'd asked if we'd gotten together yet. she thinks he and I would be perfect for each other, and she was in fact trying to set us up long before mh actually reached out to me. UGH, this just makes everything so awkward. not to mention it hurts. I need to give m the full story, she deserves to know... not over the phone though. over her dining table in her home.

well, I wanna play a few games before I have to go to bed. have to get up... semi-early for the job tomorrow. hopefully this next week goes well and everything work-wise falls into place for me. hopefully everything else follows as well, lol. hopefully I can force myself to text mh back as well...
-trexxa