trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

september 28 2023 ❤️
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not a whole lot has happened the past couple weeks, but I have a lot on my mind again, soo...

second to last day of work for me today. I am ready to be done too ugh. I'm not super annoyed like I've been at some points being here but. a couple weeks ago it felt like p3 and I's move was still ages away. but now it feels like it's RIGHT on top of me and I haven't had any time to even start packing. omg. legit I'll have this sunday and monday (going to my grandparent's saturday) to get some stuff tidied up and then we leave on our trip to... HOPEFULLY... find a place. then we get back and we have!! not even a WEEK!!! before we leave!!!!

OMG I am STRESSING about that tbh. I've been keeping that bottled up in myself but I'm starting to get really nervous we won't find a place to live. it took us so long to get this place, is this really gonna be any different???? we might end up living in a hotel for a bit... AAAAA.

my job hunt is also not going super well. I've seen like 1-2 things but didn't apply since they were a few weeks ago and I wasn't sure said jobs would want to wait on me that long, plus I was still debating how badly I actually wanted to push to start work again. I'm still able to comfortably go like 2 months without working and not worrying. that's if I'm not really spending on anything but the necessities though. and as things get closer and closer I'm like. I'll probably need a week or so to adjust to the new pattern, but then. I'ma be bored. I'll wanna go do stuff to curb the boredom and doing like anything but going for a walk requires some cash these days. UGGG. plus I really do need to not drain all I have. I have a car to work on paying and p3's mom will be looking for her repayment eventually....

sigh. at least we got that in order. I have the money from her and tomorrow I'm going to pay that final bill. and then unless I like lose my mind lol there is nothing between me and graduation. that feels good at least. up till my mom suggested it I really wasn't sure I'd be going back at all. well, I kinda knew I needed to. but I wasn't positive. but I'm so glad I did though. I still feel a little ashamed this took me longer than my peers. I'll always be a little furious about that. I'm top of my class. I should have EASILY graduated on time. but no, I was pushed back by my family's ridiculousness.

anyway. what else was on my mind... p3 was super stressed out last week when he ran into some issues related to his former job and our current apartment. he's still slightly on edge... also we got into a minor disagreement about my truck. he's afraid my mom's going to take advantage of the situation since it's in her possession yet. so he wants me to let it go. but I absolutely refuse to break my ground on that. he tells me I'll grow out of the sentimental attachment as time goes on. ...idk though. I did have a lot I was attached to growing up. all that has kinda faded away and just amassed itself onto my truck though. I fear I won't live up to my hopes and dreams that I'll do well enough I can completely restore it one day. but if I let it go it's gone for good. that truck and I have been through so much together. maybe one day I will move on from it. but we certainly are not there yet.

I was reading back to my entries from last year before I started this one and. ugh. -shudder- what happened between then and now??? granted, some of my saying about how I thought my relationships with family had improved so much was semi-false, and more so me trying to convince myself it was the truth. but I did genuinely think things between my mom and I were alright. but then somewhere along the way she decided p3 was trouble and she didn't want to play nice anymore. I'm still deeply bothered about that and I know I will be for awhile. I try not to think about it much as it's super upsetting. I also feel like I have not just her but a lot of people trying to sway my view on p3 and it's like... stop??? stop trying to make me perceive him the way you want me to. also unrelated to that and somewhat on the same lines, p3's past is a lot for me to swallow, I'll be honest. the more and more he opens up about the harder it is. ugh. sometimes it's hard for me to separate past from present and I really have to repeat to myself they are not the same thing. time and time again he has proved to me that that is not who he is anymore. granted, there are times when he gets really stressed and he starts to romanticize his past more and it's like. ugh. but then we share moments like last night, and it's clear to me that he loves me more than life itself. I didn't think it was possible for a person to love as much as he does me. I wish my mom could see that... it might change her mind about a few things. if I just focus on that, and I keep my head forward, things are good. sometimes I wish I could just delete certain things from my memory. I'm glad he trusts me enough to tell me things. but... coming from the background and the beliefs I do... it is hard. present and future... present and future. I also need to keep my mind more open to his perspective too rather than repeatedly shaming him in my head. ugh.

not sure when I'll be back with another one of these, probably before the move, but we'll see. I hope things pan out ok. if things don't pan out well for p3 and for me on this move I think things might be incredibly grim for awhile. even more grim than they have been and there's been some pretty rough days this past year. life is so difficult sometimes. I'm also starting to think p3 might be cursed and karma is wrecking his life as punishment for the past... I wish I could say /jk but sometimes I really wonder... but then again my life has been full of bad luck (but obviously on a smaller scale) too, when I've done everything everyone's ever asked of me, up till recently here. maybe the universe just doesn't like either of us for no real reason. or maybe life is just really this tough for everyone and we've both been blind to that reality. idk... despite it all I still feel confident in the end things are going to all sort themselves out. life might be hard but at least I don't regret. I would rather have had this past year and all its crazy adventures over just sitting at home, still in the same silly coffee job and no direction in my life. I have learned and matured more in this past year than I have collectively my whole life. I was starved of adventure all my life, and I'm getting to experience what past me could only dream of.

well, till the next one.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

october 14, 2023 ♥️
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here I am again. right now I'm currently waiting on p3 to get back from picking up his dad at the airport. his dad agreed to help us move and he's gonna be staying with us for a little over a week. we're planning to finish packing up this weekend and move out monday.

so yeah, good news, p3 and I DID end up successfully finding a place. omg. ;_; and a REALLY nice place too. a much better neighborhood, close to the beach, and with a lot of fun amenities. it's absolutely leaps and bounds above what we had here and I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm glad we're going, ugh. I really am. I've been done with work awhile now and I can say I really don't miss it much. I was kinda sad my last day saying goodbye to everybody, there was some coworkers who were really kind. but I really just felt like I didn't... fit in... there. plus it got so repetitive so fast. my job hunt hasn't been going great though. I found one really strong potential opportunity I applied for but... haven't heard anything so far. I'll start worrying about it more once p3 starts his job and I need to be more concerned with managing my time and money. I've been starting to think I need to look into freelance opportunities too. tbh I think the job I'd love most is one that allows me to be flexible and make a lot of my own decisions. staying at a desk monday-friday really isn't my cup of tea. I think I'd find life considerably more enjoyable if I could mix things up. either succeed in managing my own little business and just do something part time to get outta the house. or work something that allows flexibility to work in office or at home. I think I'd be most happy with my career and therefore my life if I achieved that balance. so I think my next goal is finding a way I could make that happen.

besides that. as I said I'm ready to go. the weather has just been miserable here since we got back and that's not exactly the best for my mood. also p3 likes to really be on top of things so we did 95% of our packing right after we got back and. sleeping on the floor and not having any proper cooking utensils? stinks. >:( also my sister's been randomly really cold and distant towards me like the past month now, and most especially within the past week and idek why. but that's kinda hurting me too. I can't tell if she's bothered by me moving away, or if distance is creating that friction, or if it's the rest of my family's influence on her. or if she's just at that age and feeling moody. honestly it might be a combo of all that. but it really hurts when somebody you've talked to, pretty much every day, for years on end just doesn't respond to anything you say/just has snide things to say. I hope she comes around and goes back to being her normal self and that distance doesn't draw us apart near entirely. but uh, well, only time will tell. :(

with her being distant now though, it really feels like I've become isolated from my entire family and that's really rough. it's not easy not having really any friends or family regularly there to support you. I'm so glad I have p3 and I'm not entirely alone in all this. I really at times wish I had more company though. I hope as time goes on I'm able to find more supportive people who can fill some of that space in my life. :(

anyway, I expect them back pretty soon now. I felt like I had more to add but I guess not...? anyway. hopefully this move goes over pretty smoothly. hopefully everything goes over pretty smoothly. it's weird to be entering yet another new chapter so soon, but this current chapter was honestly a lot more disappointing than was expected. disappointing location, disappointing jobs... disappointing turn of events with my family. hopefully this next one is a lot better. all one can do is simply hope.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

december 31, 2023 ♥

and just like that, another year has come and gone.

this year was so wild... I thought 2022 was wild. uhm. I think this year still somehow managed to top it. family drama, moving twice (and the second time very far away), trying to find myself in the midst of all it. it's not been easy, but I definitely don't have any regrets.

so yeah, p3 and I have been settled in here for a bit now. I'm definitely liking living here a lot more than I did in my home state. it took me about a month to find a job from the time we got here, and I am, uh, not enjoying the job I did manage to get. >:( tbh I think it's my least-liked job since my fast food days. uggg. I knew it wouldn't be that exciting going in, but - not only do I do the same 3 tasks every day, I also am subjected to a ton of restrictions due to their strict policies. the computer I'm given has so many odd restrictions on it (can't pick when to install new updates, can't have a desktop background????) and the worst - I can't have my phone. >:(((( I wouldn't ever consider myself addicted to my phone. but when it comes to completely boring repetitive tasks like this job, I need some tunes on. or the ability to pause for 10 seconds and check my feed to give my mind a refresh. but I can't have that. so thus... this job is awfulllll.

due to that I've had to spend a great deal of time reevaluating what I want out of a career again. the one downfall of this place is that there isn't a ton of opportunities... but a ton of competition. so thus getting this position itself was a struggle, and getting another I'm sure is going to be just as hard. but anyway. I realized that deep down I've always known what I really want, I've just pushed it aside due to getting too overwhelmed thinking about it/stressing I'm not "good enough"/being talked out of it by others.

I want to be in content creation. making art, writing stories, editing videos, creating websites. all that stuff is my passion. and later on in life, I'd like to lead a team in that as well. ideally, I'd love to do all that for a game company. but any place that fosters creativity is enough for now. so, I've been looking into what skills I need to get that position. I've been reading up and getting back into my old hobbies to practice my skills. my plan for the next year is to just keep learning and practicing. and hopefully if I keep applying and start posting more of my work out there I can pick up some freelance opportunities as well. so that way, I have an impressive resume to hand over. and, by the next year or so, I'll finally be settled. and actually doing what I love.

in the meantime, ima still apply to other things. maybe I'll get superrrr lucky and find somewhere in my field that will want to train me. I'm really not counting on it though... I'll probably just end up having to take up yet another position I'm not super thrilled with (but is at least more bearable than this. x.x)

besides that... things have been going alright. p3 and I had a serious talk about finances earlier. I'm so glad to have someone as supportive and willing to help as him. but man. I feel like such a serious burden somedays. I wish I had the means to pay for more of my expenses myself. I know the day will come I'll be able to fully support myself. perhaps, hopefully, support the both of us. patience... I really need to teach that more to myself. patience has always been the biggest challenge for me.

p3 and I have also been officially engaged for a month now. definitely felt anticlimatic with how much it was discussed beforehand lol. I prefer the way we handled it though. definitely felt a lot more comfortable, and mature, rather than surprising one or the other with it.

we also just got back from our christmas vacation. it was nice to leave the country for the first time. but it also - unexpectedly - made me appreciate my own country tho??? xD never thought that would happen. I wasn't a big fan of how cramped everything felt in a big city abroad. between all the buildings so close together... and the massive crowds of people, no matter where you went, or the time of day. definitely spiked my anxiety a little. there's so much more space out here. I just wish this country had more of the amenities there is abroad though.

anywho, I'm gonna get back to work on my other projects now. here's to hoping next year will be slightly less chaotic... but due to the fact I'll be getting married... uh, we'll see lol. life may be very overwhelming some days, and I've had to make my own fair share of sacrifices. but I've also been very blessed to be given what I have. I've still come a lot further than the start of 2022 me - or even 2023 me - envisioned.

till the next one. (oh yeah! and I graduated! wooo!)

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

here we are again. five years later.

to be honest... I almost completely forgot about today. I only remembered when I went on this site, saw the new month adopts were up, and that's when it hit me - OMG. it's that day. lol. I also then debated a bit about whether or not I actually even wanted to write another one. I used to think about what to put in these letters pretty frequently over the years. this past year I rarely thought about it. I've gotten so invested in my own life and my own future... I'm not glancing over my shoulder into the past every minute.

a lot has happened in a year, again. I thought the past year was crazy? this one was just as - if not more crazy. for starters, I GRADUATED. in last year's letter, I thought that was still at least a year and a half out. but some very kind people in my major's department got ahold of me and worked like crazy to bend things and get me graduated, what would've been on-time, if I hadn't had to have the gap. those people will always have my eternal gratitude.

I'm also... engaged. yes, to the same man I brought up last year. :) it hasn't been an easy journey... we had to deal with many hardships. him overcoming his own inner battles, him losing a job, us moving twice - and the second halfway across the country - because of his job circumstances, my family's pushback on it all, but still we've overcome it all. things still ain't easy. we haven't set a wedding date yet, and there's a lot we'll have to juggle for that. we're trying to save for a house, and plan for starting a family. so much going on, and yet I couldn't imagine not coming home to him. he makes me happy. and I make him happy. it is worth it all.

I saw another picture of you a few months ago, when looking up some stuff for my cousin. and I'll just say, you look so good. that style of yours I mentioned last year, you absolutely took it and ran with it. and you look so, so happy. a look like that can't be faked. I don't know a single thing about your personal circumstances anymore, but whatever it is you are doing? keep doing it. because it has made you glow. and I am so glad to see it. (I wish I could find my own style, though.... the styles I like seem to be constantly changing. and then, I usually end up never feeling confident when I do dress more boldly. so I just resort back to the same old jeans and hoodies. ugh, I hope there comes a time when I grow out of that, as well.)

hm... I'm not sure I'll end up writing one of these next year. might just call it quits, on a nice five. or maybe I could make it an every-five-year thing from now on. though something tells me I'll be way too off in my life to even have the thought cross my mind, by then. I remember a time when I thought I would be stuck ruminating on this forever. even last year I was still deep in thought about these letters addressed to you. but now? I'm ready to move on. fully. I'm ready to start my own family, I'm excited for the future.

here is your, potentially final, song for the year. I used to listen to this song frequently in the months our friendship was failing/after we departed ways. every time it would bring me to tears. I'll never forget hearing this song live, the other year, either. the whole room went quiet and we all lifted our phone's flashlights. in my head, I was lifting it to you, as a promise to fully let you go, and separate the memories of you from my interest in this band. it's a sad song for a happy letter.

thank you, for teaching me more about the world, and about myself. I hope life continues to treat you well, old friend.

[Trexxa]

february 14th, 2024 ♥

in two days, I will have had this journal up for 5 years. ...and the time I've had this, amounts to a fraction of the time I've been on this site. whew, does time ever fly.

2024 sure has been an interesting year so far. last week, I lost my job. I had a bad feeling that was going to happen from my first couple weeks there. the long-term employees there all seemed to have this almost eerily close-knit bond to them, and I could hear them constantly talking about me and the other new girl behind our backs. :| that and business wasn't particularly picking up, meaning the past couple weeks we. literally just sat there. most days. so yeah. last tuesday I was called aside by the manager. and she told me I was being "let go", due to the lack of business, and some "concerns" my one coworker expressed. >:))) (she was a crazy stickler for the rules. and ANYTIME. I made a simple human error, or tried to suggest a more efficient way to do something, she'd run right off to the manager. yeah, ily too v. >:)))) but anyway. that's in the past. there's no point in being bitter.)

I've never been fired from a job before. in fact, I've always been praised for my work, even when I personally felt I was hardly doing bare minimum. so even though I was kinda expecting it, it still feels so surreal. but yeah. now I'm back where I started when we first moved... looking for another job. last week I was really freaking out thinking about how I'd afford things, how I wasn't going to be able to save nearly as much as I planned this year, etc. but fortunately my aunt stepped up and gave me a ton of side work. so while I still won't be able to save much of anything... I'm... ok. things are good now.

and now I'm in this weird position... where I'm trying to figure out what to do. if I was really applying myself, I could probably land another job in a week or two, since I've picked up the healthcare field is super desperate around here (and my aunt's side work I've been at for nearly two years now gives me some qualification). butttt I like, don't wanna do that. I've used all my extra time on my hands this past week to dig more into my writing, and focus more on other things I like. since monday when my aunt granted me security (for now...) I actually feel... happy. I'm not dreading getting up every day lol. maybe it's just because I've yet to work a job doing something I'm ACTUALLY passionate about. but the traditional 9-5 makes me so mad. I hate getting up early and going to work pretending I like my job and my circumstances all day. I hate not being able to sit and just enjoy the sun. I think it's ridiculous that everyone is just expected to conform to that way of life. why do we all have to work to support something or someone else that we don't even care for, just to get by ourselves? I see people my age talking about this more and more, yet they're continually put down with "well, that's just the way it works". says who? it just makes me want to challenge it, even more.

idk. I'm on this weird little fence rn where I'm comfortable. but not overly comfortable. I think for the time being I'm just going to focus more on positions I want and not ones I'd take knowing full well I'll end up repeating what just happened to me. it feels like a mini-blessing having the time to work on my book again. I've been working on that for almost 4 years now, it needs to be published. ofc I can't sit in this cozy position forever. while p3 can support us for now, and I'm...ok, thanks to my aunt, we can't keep progressing forward towards most of our goals if I'm not also giving it my all. but maybe this is an opportunity for me to... accomplish what I actually want to accomplish?

well, I'm going to talk a walk. do a little extra thinking. till the next one.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 20th, 2024 ♥

it's been just over a month, and simultaneously a lot has happened, and yet not much at all... I still don't have a job but I just got out of an interview, sooo... I think the interview went ok? idk I feel like I'm a terrible interviewer lol. I say a lot but kinda just go in circles and add in a bunch of unnecessary context and ugh I just feel soooo awkward. I'm also not entirely sure I even want the position if I get it offered... I'm worried it might be more customer-oriented than they let on. but they did mention in the interview that it's a fully remote job after a year which would sure be nice... idk. :|

I've been putting in a ton of work on my book since I lost my job. ngl, I think losing that was actually the wake-up call I needed to start putting some serious work in on it. I wrote my first draft almost four years ago. and haven't touched it since. instead I just kept telling myself "I'll get it done... eventually!" :| this book is a big deal to me. and clearly, I want to publish. I'd love to be an author for a living. just sitting at coffee shops and working on the revisions each week has been like, the most insanely peaceful thing ever. I don't think I could ever get bored of that. and maybe that could be my reality. if I actually get it DONE.

so I'm on a serious schedule with that again. I'm halfway done with my first round of revisions. at this rate I'll be done with round one in may. then I'll take a short break (2 months?) then go over it again. and then rinse and repeat. and the goal is that it'll hopefully be in a state I'm satisfied with by the very end of this year. and then will come the reallyyyy difficult part of getting published. :'))) BUT. apparently p3's mom might have some connections that could help me out with that part??? omg. if that turns out to be the case I literally owe her my everything lol.

man I really do hope this book does well though, so that I can comfortably live out my days as a full-time author. I wish I was at that point now... getting to somewhat experience that now has been sooo nice. I've actually been far more relaxed and happy this past month than I have been in a loooong time. but sadly even though my aunt's work has granted me some stability for now, that is not a guarantee as the months keep going by. and not being able to buy much of anything but the absolute necessities has been frustrating. so I unfortunately do need to take up another job. I wouldn't mind working part time, if only I wouldn't more than likely be forced to work weekends. and as p3's schedule gets even busier and busier with spring/summer I'm not willing to sacrifice what little time we have together.

o yeah, we also picked a wedding date. it's in september. :)

sigh. I should get to work on my aunt's stuff. we'll see the results of this interview. if I get offered it... I suppose I'll take it??? I mean, it's not like I can't leave if it turns out to be not what I want at all. I just feel soooo guilty job hopping all the time. the remote thing was a real attractive offer though. literally, I could have that all the way up till if/when writing becomes profitable enough I have to drop it. if not, then I'll just keep doing what I've been doing. applying to the occasional thing I think I have a good shot at. whilst I do my aunt's work and write. like I said, it's been really peaceful and nice. if only... if only I had financial security and stability. :|

(oh wait the other thing I wanted to talk about. my family's been mildly irritating me though... suddenly everyone's saying how much they miss me. and my mom even offered me a plane ticket to come visit. but I just... don't feel ready to go back. things are nice out here. I feel like I'm in a good spot mentally. probably the best I've been in since late 2020. I feel like going back now would just set me back again. I do miss my sister though. I wish she was older and able to come visit by herself. another reason I hope my book does well is... I'd like to be able to support her, too. she really wants to visit some places I've been now and I'd love to take her there and show her around. I'm also afraid my mom might put her into the same positions in life she put me in when it comes to college and a career. and I wish, I hope, that by the time she's that age, I'll have the ability to get her out of that, and set her up for success. I cannot watch a repeat of what I had to go through, if I have the means of preventing it.)

till the next one.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

april 17th, 2024 ♥

been almost another month again. and I've got... some more... interesting updates.

uh, I don't know a way to sugarcoat this. p3 lost his job again. :'))) I had a bad feeling that might be how things would turn out again. his feelings coming home from work were a dead giveaway. I don't really blame him for the circumstances again, though. it's not like he isn't trying. it's just... he isn't ready for all the responsibilities that sort of position entails. between his lack of experience, and his adhd struggles, that position isn't right for him right now. and I think, I hope, that this situation happening again is his wake-up to that as well.

this means, we are moving in with his family. (well, not directly in with them, whew... we'll be staying at a smaller place they own.) we've both been applying to positions... he has an interview tomorrow, and his mom is trying to use her connections to get me a position as well. we plan to be moved again, by the end of may.

sigh. I really wish we could've stayed here longer. yet as time was going on I realized that, excluding p3's situation, this place was still not viable long-term. I've been unable to find a position still. there's also no chance of us getting our own house eventually. this isn't the best place in the country to settle down right now. eventually, no matter what, I realized, we would be going back where his family is anyway. because there is stability there, we cannot match up to, anywhere else. still, it would've been nice to have a few years here, to enjoy things.

I was so nervous to break the news to my mom, but she called me tonight and I told her and surprisingly... she was totally okay with it and totally understood????? uhh... ok then. at least that's one less problem I'd potentially have to face. oh yeah, that also means our wedding is, for the time being, postponed. I kinda hope we can still have it this year and just have something super quick and simple. but that means I have to successfully persuade p3 and his family. sigh...

anyway. beyond that, I've still been going strong with my book. revision round 1 will be done in just under a month. when we move back I also kinda wanna get back into my old hobbies. puzzles. piano. kinda tired of just aimlessly scrolling on social media and sitting on the computer playing the same games over and over. I think it'd be good to have those simpler things again.

I thought I had more to say but I guess not really? ...the days seem so long and borrinngggg now that p3 is also at home with me everyday. I had a nice little routine down while he was always at work, but with him here that's gotten a bit broken up. and obviously we can't afford to go out and shop or tour places and stuff. sooo we just sit here. :| the move cannot come soon enough, but at the same time I'll miss being here. ughhh.

well, I guess that's all... till the next one.

-trexxa