two-faced god || kalon readoption || dnp

[.paris.]

gemini // male // he/him // moodboard // voice // see songs throughout thread for playlist

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after it was all over, everyone ran from the sea. but i couldn't let it go, not yet, maybe not ever. as the waves encroached on the shores and took it over piece by piece, i couldn't help but stand there and hope for the waves to one day take me too.

[.paris.]

before
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♠

xxxxxbefore it all went bad, she was with me.

xxxxxshe looked at me and i felt like i was walking on air. i was filled to the brim with a kind of deep inexplainable longing that one thousand poetry books could fill and not come close to scratching the surface of my emotions. i could write books, fill epics with our love like pressed flowers between old pages, fragrant and alluring and ancient all at the same time.

xxxxxand like those pressed flowers, it died.

xxxxxi can't say i blame her for walking away. i'm not a perfect person by any means; when it comes to relationships i walk a thin line between throwing myself overboard and leaving and drowning myself in the depth of my love. it is never slight with me. it is all or nothing, and that scared her.

xxxxxshe was filing the divorce papers that morning when it all came crashing down.

xxxxxit had been on the news for a while, of course, but i had tuned it out, too busy with my own impending doom that i didn't bother to listen to the broadcasted kind. it felt too distant, too outrageous, to ever be real.

xxxxxand then we realized florida, our home, was flooding.

xxxxxshe left, almost immediately. she took the keys and ran, clearly seeing the flood as a sign from god to get the heck out of dodge. she left me stranded with no care for my well-being, leaving even her ring on the kitchen counter for me to find next to the tv remote.

xxxxxi couldn't let her go, not yet. so i strung the ring on a chain and hung it around my neck, my cross to bear, my ironic kryptonite that was killing me and yet i couldn't live without her.

xxxxxwhen florida went under, everyone ran from the beach, terrified. i couldn't blame them; it looked like gaia herself was rising out of the sea, reclaiming the earth that had always been hers bit by bit.

xxxxxbut i always felt more at home at the beach. so i went to the shore, and took in the salty air, watching the helicopters putter ahead as they tried to observe the damages that were already too late to contain.

xxxxxthe floodgates had been dropped, and there was no way of opening them again. so, i gave some part of myself to the sea, and i let myself move with the tides.

xxxxxno more fighting, no more arguing, no more hiding myself.

xxxxxi am me, and i am one with this sea.

[.paris.]

during
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♦

xxxxxeventually, i turned from the sea. i knew it was the right thing to do, but some part of me was hesitant, like i was tearing some integral part of myself away.

xxxxxi walked aimlessly, without knowledge or care of myself. without her, i had no reason to live. i simply was.

xxxxxi eventually came to the highway, unnerved by its emptiness. it is terrifying how quickly the world can descend into chaos when some part of our natural scales are tipped. i heard yelling in the distance, but nothing more.

xxxxxi don't know how long i walked, how far. it felt like my legs were carrying me apart from my body, like i was watching myself walk down the huge road to nowhere.

xxxxxsomewhere along the way, i realized that i would have to eat.

xxxxxseeing the nearest exit, i veered off it, walking towards the first gas station i could see, uncaring of my life. i opened the door, it giving a small jingle, a memory of a better time.

xxxxxi was met with a gun in my face. "who are you?' its owner asked, clearly trying to sound menacing, but shaking with fear. how far has the world come? i asked myself, shocked and enraged by the audacity of this man to point a gun at a man who already wanted to die.

xxxxxwith the red overtaking my vision, i twisted his hand away, knocking his gun to the ground. before he had a chance to react, i grabbed the gun and shot him.

xxxxxhis blood spilled out onto the dirty linoleum floor. i stepped over his body, clutching my ring as i filled up a bag with as much food as i could manage.

xxxxx"hello," a voice from behind me said.

xxxxxi spun around, terrified, my hand slipping around the trigger as though it was already an extension of my hand.

xxxxx"no need to shoot," the man facing me said. "i'm not going to tell anyone what you did." his voice sounded like silk.

xxxxx"so, what are you going to do?" i asked, finding myself inexplicably trusting this man.

xxxxx"i have a proposition for you."

xxxxxwith nothing left to lose, i turned to him. "i'm listening."

[.paris.]

after
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♣

xxxxxi walked away from the man bleeding on the floor, leaving a small blue flower in his bullet hole before i left the house for good.

xxxxxi met up with the benefactor about an hour later. trembling, he handed me the stack of money. "thank you," he whispered, before disappearing in the mist.

xxxxxi counted it casually, leaning up against the concrete wall, the gun sitting comfortably in between my feet as i counted.

xxxxxwith every dollar i found, i found myself counting all i had lost. my wife, my house, my life, my morality: would these dollars make it worth it?

xxxxxtucking $3,000 into my pocket, i hoped one day it might.

xxxxxi'm not proud of myself. i'm not proud of who i've become. when one day i'm asked by some higher power what i've become i'm not sure i'll be able to give them a solid answer.

xxxxxi don't know why i do what i do. all i know is that when i kill i get a rush in my fingers and my heart speeds up and it makes me feel something, something that breaks through this icy façade and lights a small fire in my soul.

xxxxxit's almost like she's come home again.

xxxxxmy hand unconsciously went to my chest, clutching the ring.

xxxxxi know she's out there somewhere, and i know one day i'll find her. and i'm not sure if i want to kiss her or kill her, take every piece of her in or stare her down the barrel of my gun, love her or leave her.

xxxxxbut i know i will find her one day. i have to, i must. one day i will have enough money and have enough time to go anywhere, to find the love of my life again.

xxxxxin the meantime, i get my rushes where i can.

xxxxxi kill, i serve, i do what i can

xxxxxit's all i'm capable of doing.

xxxxxi love and i hate, i bring life and i take it, i am simultaneously a creature to be feared and full of nothing at all--i am a walking contradiction, a reincarnation of janus, a descendent of the gemini, a two-faced god of death.

xxxxxthat is all i can be.