Free Writing Feedback!

[TheSongOfTheStars]

Hey what's cracking?
-voice echoes around empty thread-

Well, anyways I was hoping you could take a peek at this? It's mostly just dialouge between the villain and a semi-antagonist and I'm worried it's not tense enough and the general vibe is a bit static? The link should take you to the second to last page on the thread and the post should be near the bottom, just cause we've had problem with weird links before.


If you're not into doing this thread anymore I totally get that and just ignore this.

[Rylf]

Hey what's cracking?
-voice echoes around empty thread-

Well, anyways I was hoping you could take a peek at this? It's mostly just dialouge between the villain and a semi-antagonist and I'm worried it's not tense enough and the general vibe is a bit static? The link should take you to the second to last page on the thread and the post should be near the bottom, just cause we've had problem with weird links before.


If you're not into doing this thread anymore I totally get that and just ignore this.

The thread is still open, I've just been busy in real life. I'm assuming the one-shot you're wanting me to read and critique is "it only gets worse," correct?

[TheSongOfTheStars]

Yup!

[Rylf]

Alright. I'll get to it when I can. I actually haven't critiqued at least one of the previous stories. I'm SUPER behind. But I will get to it soon, I hope.

[TheSongOfTheStars]

Oh, don't rush yourself, whenever you can get to it is fine

[Sunflower Skies]

Hi! I was wondering if you could check out some of my poems? I don't really want to link to my entire collection, so I'll just copy/paste them directly into here.
___________________________________
Rain-
The soft tapping on the window
Draws my attention
To the pitter patter pitter of
The friendly little droplets on the edge of the sill,
Beckoning me closer to the fresh garden
Where it decided to bounce
Among the petals of the daisies
Then rest on the soft ground,
waiting for the sky to draw it back into its dance.

I step out into the little garden,
And through the din of thunder, I hear the elated giggling
Of the rain against the window,
As it celebrates the new addition
To the little garden called its temporary home.

Soon, the chuckling slows
And the droplets recover from their bout
And turn away, evaporating right into the cool air
And I am left alone with the memory as my companion
And the gray sky as my salvation
And I slowly step back inside,

To the bustle of the daily torrent
Joyful rain-drops in my eyes.
__________________________________
Clouds-
Ah! A shape!
A dog? A cat?
A three headed dinosaur?
And there’s a lonely one,
Shying away from the buoyant crowd
And the crowd beckons, but the outsider refuses
It doesn’t want to dissipate into such a controlling system
Where it can no longer freely drift wherever it may please
On the updrafts of possibility
And the downdrafts of age
If only the clouds were friends,
then the sun would stop shining on us.
They are independant and we are glad.
_____________________________________
Tree-
In a sweeping embrace
extended fingers grasp towards the sky,
yearning to hold the sun.

In a calming sigh
thousands of fronds sway to unheard music,
yearning to make their own.

In a beaming smile
ridges and grooves in tired, old skin crinkle,
Yearning to hold on to their happiness.

In a lonely orchard
an old willowy tree rests,
experiencing love.


__________________________
Here's a bit more of a somber few- my first attempts at sonnets
__________________________
My brother has always been my best friend,
With his fast paced wit and quicker loyalty.

His eyes gleaming with such huge happiness,
That it seemed like the whole world was ok, now.

His caring embrace as he promised me,
He could always protect what he could love.

My brother has always been there for me,
Even when times have been rougher than sand.

Like the sand he stood on now, seeing me,
Pressing his muzzle to my beating heart.
_________________________________
A Silver Needle
Butterflies have always held my heart close,
Opening my eyes to a bigger world.

The dazzling wings always superimpose,
In a flurry of wings dripping with gold.

If asked my answer would most surely pose,
That these butterflies were my life’s stronghold.

Their fluttering shows that our world has heart,
Only fragile wings set us, from them, apart.

I gaze at this beauty, set, as if smart,
With a silver needle through both our hearts.


(Wrote this after walking through a butterfly garden)


Thanks for looking at these, if you do!

[Ranger of the North]

Hiii, this looks cool; I'm pretty late, though, oops XD Is it still open? c:

[Rylf]

The thread IS still open and I am alive! I’ve simply had a lot going on in my life outside of CS. I hope you all can understand. I will get to these as soon as I can, but since my feedback is free, I’m hoping that will grant some patience on the matter. Thank you all so much! <3

[Ranger of the North]

The thread IS still open and I am alive! I’ve simply had a lot going on in my life outside of CS. I hope you all can understand. I will get to these as soon as I can, but since my feedback is free, I’m hoping that will grant some patience on the matter. Thank you all so much! <3

Hope everything's all good round your side of the world! cx


EDIT: Here's “The Taihape Titan”, my New Zealand superhero-story! :.D

[Hi My Name Is ____]

Hi! I'm a young writer who's trying to finish a novel. But it's more diffucult than it seems because I've got a million other stories swarming in my head, but here's a little something I wrote a while back. Please, please, please give me advice. I need it desperately.

The Truth and Lies of the Heart

No one can escape Fate. His grasp on the universe is too strong. Even Destiny herself is afraid of him; the whole world trembles at his feet. No one, not even the stars can stop him once he’s made up his mind. Gemini was cursed to face herself, Ares forced to fight for Fate’s entertainment. Aquaritus, born to breathe air, takes in water now that Fate has gotten his way again. No one can change him, no one can soften the heart of steel that resides in his chest.

Or so we thought.

***

Down to the willow she went. Searching, for what she was not sure, but it seemed to be the truth. The stream held answers, the open sky, freedom. But the willow finds the truth to the questions. Down she went, further and further away from reality.

***

The day she was born, whispers came from the trees, whispers that held truth and fiction as ancient as their origin. She was different, like the last. And she would also slip away, like the last. She was held close to her mother’s breast once the words found their way to the ear of the same woman who caressed her. She was not like the last. And even if she was, she would not become lost. She would become too strong for the spell of Fate, unlike the last.
She was held too close, kept too near, loved viciously. Her mother was right, she was not lost like the last. But the love that was given to her meant that her mother would become the one to slip away. Love too bold is deadly. There was mourning, but most of all there was fear. Fear that Fate had taken another. And fear of the girl who was like the last. For her, no one was left. Her whole world had changed, and she let it control her. But her mother’s will for her to live created a strength in her too strong for death. She was broken, she was new, she was alone.
Now mind, she was still herself. She was the same, confused, loving girl. But she had evolved into a young woman with a different view of the world. Love was a drug, and addiction, a death sentence. The only one you can trust is the trees and the sky, for they always speak words of truth and healing. So, up to the willow she went for the truth and tranquility. The walk was not long, nor her life. Or so she thought. So, she took her time, knowing it very well may be her last. Or so she thought. The visions took over, as they normally do. They were different, though. Her mother, lost all of those years ago, was standing in front of her. Her footsteps faltered, coming to a stop. And without words, something more powerful than Life and Death and Fate and Destiny passed between them.
She fell to her knees, tears falling down her face. All she sees is her mother fading away, the smile changing into words. I love you. She returns the gesture, saying the same thing. The shadow of the woman that onced lived faded away into nothing, leaving her alone. A sense of loneliness and yet love washed over her, showing her the truth. The truth to the heart. The lies that she believed before don’t matter anymore, they faded away to nothing. She knows that love exists, and that it is a drug. Everyone and everything knows the consequences that could happen, but they take it anyway, and completely willingly.
Then, just then, Fate died. The steel shell that he had placed around his heart broke into a million pieces. He remembered how to love, how to care, how to be selfless. That, and only that, could kill Fate, and bring forth a new one. One that cares, one that loves, one that is selfless.
She lived a full life, and found love. Her daughter brought her so much joy that she forgot the times of suffering and loneliness, and flowered into a beautiful mother. Once she died, she went willingly and happily, knowing that whatever comes next, her mother would be there waiting for her, with her sister. She became known as the Girl who Lived. Because, in death, our stories become fabricated and embroidered. If you ask her granddaughter, you will know that the stories aren’t true. But she was an extraordinary woman who changed the lives of everyone who exists after her.