░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░ ▷ a journal for lys

[lysander]

 

my hyperinflated ego is either a problem or a result of hating myself from ages 12-18

its like the akemi homura paradox, either im a cocky piece of scum or i condemn myself to sink into self loathing. being positive and proud of myself is more of a survival mechanism than anything else

 

[lysander]

 

going to phase out my crush page because it's really? sketchy looking with all the weird ads it's got when i don't have adblocker on so i loathe to think about how it looks for other people without it l-lol....

so i'm going to comment on some of the recent messages that i know came from cs :O!
HERE WE GO:



yo !! so i think i first met u when u joined kalons on cs ,, but we didnt rlly meet cos we never talked ?? but aa you're so lovely & i'd lovee to talk to you sometime but i'm too scared ,, aaAaA , i'm totally friendcrushing on u bc ya seem mega pleasent & super talented!! c;;
HIYA PAL!! honestly if you wanna talk to me, come to one of the discord chats i'm on and interact with me! i mod for the moku chat (check my sig) and i'm also in one of the cs chats and kalon chats!! i'm rly chill but i'm sometimes pretty bad at conversations if there's not specific topic so i do better in group convos ;w; PLEASE DONT BE SCARED I CAN ASSURE U IM SUPER CHILL!!!!!!!



hey pal thx for commenting on my stuff on CS!! i really like your art too even tho i dont think i comment on it much i do leave a lot of likes :D im not sure if i remembered to put u in my favorite artists though--
IM HONORED THAT YOU WOULD EVEN CONSIDER ME A FAVE ARTIST OH GOSH!!! thankS FOR POSTING GREAT ART WHOEVER YOU ARE!!!



I SCREAMED WHEN U USED MY GLASS
SCREAMS IN UNISON!!!!



you seem really rad and I'd totally love to be friends with you but I'm not the most popular around CS and I feel like you would get bored lmao
your art is wonderful and you seem like a wonderful human being much love xoxo
POPULARITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT I PROMISE!!! i just look for people to goof off and have fun with so feel free to hit me up whenever!! i have to admit i'm bad at 1x1 convos sometimes bc im super flaky but i love chatting in groups!!! im active in moku the most so drop by and say hi sometime!!! ALSO thankyou for LIKING MY ART HHHFFF!!! i try my best @ the human being part... alas i am a bean



iM OBSESSED W U HELP - squeeing fangirl
IM OBSESSED WITH YOU ANON.......



you seem so cool!!! I wish I was brave enough to talk to you aa
the truth is that............. im actually really hot. im on fire as we speak. pls dont be intimidated by the flames, they cannot hurt u



*licks lips* ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ )~* - You'll figure out who I am.
im assuming u also posted the one previous to this which i cant post on cs....... here i am, 2 months later, and i still dk who u are... u put too much faith in me



look ok ur rly cool and i rly like ur art and you in general are a++
KEEP UP THE GOOD STUFF DUDE,. YEAH!!
WHEEZE ILL TRY MY BEST!!!! THANK U FOR BELIEVING IN ME!!!!! UR too kind....


ok ithink thats most of thme if not all of them ssssshhhh im tirEd

 

[lysander]

 

>when are you gonna judge your doodle 'dopt comps?

oh i actually forgot abt those HAHA
i kind of put them off bc ive lost interest in doing human adopts atm .... i forget which ones need to be judged... i think its just the jellyfish one right??? ill probably do it a little later this week but im a bit busy bc afest is coming up and im fixing up a cosplay and im writing a lot wwww

SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WAIT im honestly just not in the headspace to judge them rn .. like IM NOT IN A BAD HEADSPACE but its a low priority atm ...... also i realize i need to color adopt #2 still but every time ive tried its been ??? weird and ive been dissatisfied??? but maybe tonight or tomorrow night ill fix it up

 

[lysander]

 

>when are you gonna judge your doodle 'dopt comps?

oh i actually forgot abt those HAHA
i kind of put them off bc ive lost interest in doing human adopts atm .... i forget which ones need to be judged... i think its just the jellyfish one right??? ill probably do it a little later this week but im a bit busy bc afest is coming up and im fixing up a cosplay and im writing a lot wwww

SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WAIT im honestly just not in the headspace to judge them rn .. like IM NOT IN A BAD HEADSPACE but its a low priority atm ...... also i realize i need to color adopt #2 still but every time ive tried its been ??? weird and ive been dissatisfied??? but maybe tonight or tomorrow night ill fix it up

 

>its always good to at least finish what you've started

hi! if this is the same anon as before, maybe come out and talk to me if there's a contest you want judged asap?
i might have an idea or two about who this might be h-haha. if i'm going to be perfectly honest, the more i get nagged about doing things, the less likely i am to do it. i know it sounds like crap, but i've avoided perfectly decent commissioners because of my anxiety regarding being constantly reminded about doing something.

i do realize i've made people wait, but if you're impatient, maybe instead of leaving an anonymous message... you could talk to me personally? that way i know who you are and can better deal with the situation. i mean, there's no real un-messy way to go about dealing with my lack of motivation/inspo/interest/anxiety/whatever but please keep in mind that whatever experience i have of you will be what i remember of you.

but yeah, like, the only things i remember that i have to do are coloring softea's adopt (#2) and judging the jellyfish contest and ... i think the mouse boy one? aside from the pages and pages of possible orders from my art shop but the sheer number of them make me extremely unsettled lmao... i posted a closed sign and that.. got ignored. and now i don't really want to touch the thread ever again because the number of orders is frankly overwhelming and i regret not doing a slot system lmao.

honestly coloring that adopt #2 pretty much put a halt on me drawing rest of my adopts now because i feel bad about not having it colored, but i'm not lying when i say i've tried it and it just? looks weird to me? i haven't attempted it since, and i do hate making softea wait (they totally don't deserve the long wait) but... mmm. so pretty much my entire adopt thing is kind of on pause at the moment because i just don't get any satisfaction from even thinking about it.

i guess tldr; please don't make giving cheap/free art an anxiety-inducing thing for me because this is supposed to be for fun. that's all i'm here on cs to do.

[lysander]

 

it hurts me when people overestimate my skill because that is my #1 fear and i am having highkey anxiety over it right now because i always flake out with music related things in the end because i can't handle the pressure of needing to learn things on a schedule and music is HARD and EXPENSIVE... i need to really buckle down and teach myself so i guess most of my cs stuff is gonna be on the back burner until yuri jam is over,,,

i just hate it when people expect too much from me and i just want to die bc i cant deal with that? i just do my things for fun, im not setting out to be a professional... so i dont have professional level work and its.. oh my god.. why do people like my music anyway

im actually so anxious about it right now i feel like laying down to just expire

 

[lysander]

MY COMMS CAME IN!!! via little-red-demon @ dA!!!



oh my god i love them.....
also im feeling sick ): feverish...
trying to decide if i should go to my aunt for a haircut too...? she's really good and she does my hair for free but she also .. lectures me and tries to do stuff outside what i want without my consent so i'm tempted just to pay a stranger to do exactly what i want without the hassle of dealing with a relative... the problem is that i'm broke as heck lol;;;;;; so;;; it's a dilemma... both the costume and tickets for the convention i'm going to set me back about 20 dollars more than i expected each, so... i'm off budget by 40$

i... need money.. i'm trying to do commissions but... i dunno if anyone wants to do rlc with me even with my prices... i refuse to charge below 5 bucks because 5 bucks is ALREADY below minimum wage... orz what to do...

[lysander]

i have the WORST headache right now but i'm really happy about how much writing practice i'm getting!
the only way to get better is to practice and i normally don't write as regularly as this... so doing adopt tryouts is a really fun way to practice with prompts and limitations and possibly get a prize out of it ! i'm proud of myself even if my tryout forms are kind of ??? and lackluster at times wwwww as long as i write i'll get better, and i've gotten so many good prose ideas from my tryout forms... mmm i can't wait to modify them and incorporate them into my other work...

[lysander]

>hi the doggo editable's lock alpha coloring is kind of annoying because it makes this little tiny white line by the lineart

yeah ive noticed that in one of the recent colored versions uploaded
if it's something you need to have fixed though, you can ask me directly instead of posting on my sarahah link where i might not see it immediately

for things of this nature/actual questions regarding things that need to be done i highly prefer people asking me directly and off anon because i do get a bad impression from anonymous concerns about things i need to be doing rather than general things. i want to know who i'm doing this for, why, etc

ngl though the tone of this message kind of rubs me the wrong way for some reason
like, yeah, it's totally annoying, i do agree, but also... i guess... sorry for drawing a free editable to begin with i guess???
idk something about the tone i guess

edit: so basically i guess the next time i make one of those dog adopts ill fix it unless someone comes and pms me about it because im not really in any rush to fix it for an anon. please, next time, if there's something you want me to do/fix, pm me personally. like "hi! do you mind fixing the coloring in the dog adopts please?" would suffice, idk what you gain by doing this anonymously

===

in other news im in a pretty bad mood (not related at all to the above)!

got my haircut but it took over an hour to even get to the chair, ended up not really loving my new hair... even though i saved 15 bucks i kind of wish i went to the 30 dollar korean lady who does a good job ... wouldn't have had to wait for friggin ever lol;;;;;;

not only that but we skipped dinner to head to joann's and we ended up staying there for ALSO an hour even though my pal only needed... three items... i... really... cannot believe i wasted my entire day waiting

i'm just !!! really annoyed right now because i feel like today was a bust when it was supposed to be kind of fun ... but i also had to drag my brother with me and he LOVES to annoy the everloving crap out of me so i was ... in a bad mood the whole day pretty much

i just got home two hours ago and my patience with dealing with people is REALLY thin mmmmmmm;;;;; i wanna watch some dumb stuff with shane once he gets back from his meeting and maybe just... do nothing important... but i might need to help my pal out with cleaning his car ... no idea what our convention plan is for thursday either... i need to get my badge and i have NO idea when my cosplay is going to arrive... gkgkgkgkgkgk

not to mention the whole jazz related thing earlier,,, i just need a day to relax and do kal forms because writing's been my go-to relaxation thing for the last couple days... hhh... i guess i should work on kal 1150... probably not tonight though ... i might just mess around with my music program and learn some jazz chord progs and see if i can do something with it x____x

edit: also i have anxiety regarding driving to places im not familiar with and it really bothers me because a friend of mine constantly asks for rides and like, he doesn't really force me or anything he's just like "no its ok i can get an uber" but asking me to begin with makes me feel awful about it;;;; i don't think he understands how big of an anxiety it is;;;; but he has to change his sparkplug and has no ride so i really don't have a choice but to help him out

i just am not looking forward to driving him around to places at all but i already agreed to help him since i told him i'd help him clean out his car so ;;;;; mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[lysander]

 

tfw you have no bloody idea why you're sad
having a bad day yesterday shouldn't affect my mood this much but i guess i'm just??
i just want to sleep for 1000 years tbh

i should be estatic??? con is in a few days and it'll be fun :/ so why @ mood

 

[lysander]

sup fam im sitting outside a hotel inhaling smoke bc this is the only area ppl are allowed to smoke here but im too lazy to move

a fly is harassing me and i just gave a hobo a five dollar bill

I'm highkey dying right now bc Con issues. stay tuned for more