░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░ ▷ a journal for lys

[lysander]

bpd episode of my MI dismantling the trust i had in my fp 10 days away from his bday and also hes going to the ER because of his crappy health

universe wyd
i dont feel like i should be worried anymore bc this happens so often i dont know if i should be worried

im still heckin mad at him and tbh i have no desire to talk to him rn but my logic says i should probably talk to him bc hes going to the bloody ER

i mean it aint like HES worried so tbh maybe i shouldn't be either

whatever it honestly doesnt even concern me tbh

[lysander]

I realize it sounds like an incredibly awful thing to do but im not kidding when i say this is pretty standard for him

not like that matters though bc its prob for the best if i just disconnect anyway bc im sure hes tired of me being on his case or otherwise too clingy

sure he'll talk to me when he wants to which is like never but im fine im used to it. hes definitely sick of me worrying abt him anyway. i mean forget that i care and aggressively want him to stop taking on too many responsibilities and risking his health. he never listens to me

lys! this isnt about you! your best friends going to the ER and this is how you react?!?!

actually yes
i realize its probably my mental illness bc normally i wouldnt be like this and i recognize how crappy it is of me but the thing with my mental illness is that it renders me completely unable to care right now

ive already got myself pegged as an awful person so i mean why not just seal the deal

[lysander]

i mean why the heck should i care abt someone who makes me constantly second guess whether or not im actually important to him despite the fact ive told him so many times over the years EXPLICITLY what my issues with his behavior are AND HOW TO FIX IT

yall its been five years! this isnt even about him being too busy bc im not asking for him to put away even an HOUR of his time. i just want him to let me know when hes busy and to remind me that im important to him bc i TOLD him im not always sure! but he friggin never does it unless im literally in tears

why does it have to be prompted? am i friggin asking for too much. i always wonder if i am and you know what? i dont. if your best friend has to WONDER abt whether or not theyre actually your best friend something wrong is happening!

tfw i jinx his health and this gets worse lol

god im just so far past the point of being able to care i dont care if thet makes me a bad person

[lysander]

tfw u go back and forth btwn feeling like crap and feeling completely apathetic abt the entire situation

[lysander]

so basically update i talked to him and i regret doing so immensely and i should have kept my mouth shut but whats new
i shouldnt talk to him for both the reason from before and also because he doesnt need to deal w me rn so double whammy

[lysander]

dont talk to me abt any of this dont even mention it to me or reference it anywhere near me bc ill just get angry most likely

i do not want to hear anything abt this

anyway more venty stuff bc my brain is hinged rn but im going to go to bed early or something. basically i want to be unconscious for as long as possible because every waking moment is like a warzone in my head

a warzone bc my logic and my emotions are trying to overpower each other and rn its a pretty even stalemate but my brain is tired of being slapped in the cerebellum with my contradictory issues and feelings

[lysander]

update
lys is an idiot and overreacts but he already knew that
looks at my hands

false alarm guys everything is fine in the bone zone

[lysander]

i feel pretty silly right abt now but its better than being miserable

[lysander]

u ever just guffaw at the utter lack of self awareness ppl display sometimes. the hypocrisy is so astoundingly obvious i could vomit and yet People victimize themselves over things that i just dont Understand

the worst part is when they THINK they get things but from ur and ur friends perspective they just seem straight up embarrassingly misguided

im so full of disgust lol

dw this aint abt anyone on cs btw just ppl in general over the yrs

[lysander]

i dont even consider myself a terribly astute observer or anything but apparently i am at some feasible baseline level of self awareness else i wouldnt even notice how clueless other ppl are