░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░ ▷ a journal for lys

[lysander]

unrelated but i have so many things i need to do and i dont want to do any of them _(:3_ )_
also wanted to blow up at my boyfriend yesterday for essentially throwing a baby tantrum over something i gave him a choice in not doing but what else is new

pro tip if your s/o tells you not to do something multiple times consider this: DONT DO IT

[lysander]

i dont understand why ppl seem to be confused abt my gender/pronouns when its right there in my sig AND i repeatedly refer to myself with he/him pronouns :-lc ????????????????????????

[lysander]

todays mood: i dont friggin understand the lack of LOGIC that goes thru ppls heads
i think being on this cesspool of a site is getting to me a bit
jk ive totally been on worse sites before but its been a while since ive voluntarily subjected myself to this kind of inanity

lys... lyssssss ur so awful... lysssssss ur... an elitist.... jerk.....

complaints go here --> []TRASH]

no but seriously i kind of. dont care. im not even the jerkiest person to exist on this side of the internet bc ive definitely met and witnessed more entitled, less aware, and ultimately much pricklier people. my vice is that im full of myself which ill take over being an ignorant fool

anyway the cliquesmell is strong. luv the smell of middle school cheerleader locker rooms. mmm. love that gossip. MMMM. THE SMELL OF THE INABILITY TO THINK FOR URSELF. OH YEAH. THATS A GOOD SMELL. let me just friggin IMBIBE that in liquid form so i can induce the urge to vomit

[lysander]

tbh i dont think im a nice person and i dont think i ever have been or ever will be
i think im nice TO people but thats completely different than being a nice PERSON

im thinking my judgmental attitude came about as a rebellious habit when people did the same thing to me when i was younger and honestly i enjoy ripping things to shreds in my head. i know better than to voice those thoughts tho bc theres no need to do so unless im purposely trying to cut someone

im feeling particularly feisty rn and im like 110% ready to just fight. i have way too much energy for someone who's pulled yet another all nighter

also this just in but im one self centered brat. i already knew this but im just going to point it out again that my ego is incredibly inflated right now and if i wasnt on cs i would phrase that very differently. also i think im hitting that manic phase part of my mood swing cycle which would completely explain everything

you know how it is? its like, i feel like crap for a week then suddenly for another week i feel like the world ought to kiss my feet or something. from being the most incorrigible sadistic bad awful demonspawn to feeling like a literal king among men. i guess, if anything, i dont feel insecure. even in my low mood phase its never just like, oh i make mistakes, oh im a failure, its always more like. holy crap. im an awful human being with a dubious moral scale at best. who allowed ME to happen.

might just be the bpd highs talking though. sometimes i love it. sometimes i hate it

[lysander]

having my qpp/fp around grounds me from going too deep on either end of the mania/depression scale and he's been busy for a while now. that feel when you're mentally ill but also your awareness of it is painfully acute

it's like watching a trainwreck from a clocktower with a telescope and you can see everything happen in painstaking detail but you can't do anything about it because you're 100 miles away stuck in a clocktower

[lysander]

hey why the frickity frack am i still awake
what gives @ these stupid sleeping problems. its 9am im still awake i haven slept at all and .. wasnt i awake until 12pm yesterday? god help me

i think im just fueled by sheer mania at this point bc i dont know how else my body defies all laws of common sense
im antsy and my hand wont draw correctly and i have an intense need to brush my teeth. i feel like if this is left unchecked i might actually develop some legit ocd-like habits bc its already starting to become a nervous tic

cant. place. feeling. of being restless. exhausted but too awake to sleep. feels gross. i hate my brain for making me this uncomfortable for some inexplicable reason

[lysander]

its like im not DEPRESSED like i was before but instead of depression i have to deal with these crazy highs and lows where i take on way too many obligations when im in my manic phase then i hit my depressive phase and its like oh crap! look at all this stuff i have no will or energy to do!

i miss my qpp and im feeling stir crazy and my shoulders are tense as heck and
urge to play around on gaia and design some new ocs , probably would feel therapeutic if gaia wasnt broken right now
i think im seeing a movie tonight. i need to sleep so i can wake up later. ive got a lab to finish and math homework to do. i need to hit up the art store for that 50% off coupon. i need.. to... calm the hell down! im doing that thing again where i have no ability to stop rambling bc of manic energy + lack of craps given for how i seem to other people

holds my head. stooooop

[lysander]

ive finally figured it out.
im the concept of mood whiplash personified

[lysander]

im too self absorbed to care abt yr petty issues w me

slams my fists down onto my desk. another quotable. iconic

[lysander]

you know what the funniest thing about all this is? the fact that my self-referential and sardonically self-depreciative yet concurrently egotistical mode of rambling is most likely completely derived from the fact that i used to roleplay dave strider religiously to the point i may have accidentally assimilated one or more or most of his personality traits into my own

i think about it a lot because its hilarious to me that im literally just all the strider-lalondes combined and i love them a lot so its cool to me but the more i think about it the more hilarious it gets because i feel like im just some kind of dave-lalonde type in the flesh

i mean i got dave and roxys typing quirk down pat including the somewhat inebriated typos just minus the alcohol and ive got a dash of that eloquent froofy speech that roses got and well. as for dirk hes just me honestly

man i dont even LIKE dirk that much but i sat down one day and realized im a toxic self absorbed buttwipe who is lowkey probably manipulative and is surrounded by unpleasant fragments of himself not to mention the interest in old academic stuff and ancient civilizations

dave i dont think is actually similar to me at all except for our mutual commitment to the absurd. like honestly wheres the heckin au where im the one who made sbahj bc its lowkey highkey genius.

i feel like if you put rose and dave together youd get this post-pretentious, post-ironic academic type who writes essays about musique concrète in parody but its so accurate and so well done it evokes poe's law to the highest degree. anyway i want to do that and i want it to be me

man i friggin hate mania i feel so off