↪ 【 journal/random writings 】

[✦ nemuri]

x

[✦ nemuri]

x

[✦ nemuri]

x

[✦ nemuri]

if there's one fault of mine that i'll willingly admit, it's that i'm not particularly in tune with my own emotions or with the emotions of other people. you could call me dense, and i'd agree, because there hasn't been anything for me to use as evidence otherwise. don't get me wrong; i understand emotion, but sometimes, it's really hard for me to feel/relate those emotions to someone who's suffering. i'll still sympathize, but you probably wouldn't catch me around, trying to be comforting or lend an emotional shoulder. it's weird for me to explain, but it's like...? anything i say won't feel genuine, or that i might accidentally hurt them more in the process. as edgy as it sounds, paranoia, fear, and anger are my main driving forces for getting things done these days, and when i'm not upset/have nothing i truly need to do, everything just seems that much more difficult.

i understand that all these negative feelings aren't healthy, so in most cases, i try to play them off and find fun/happiness elsewhere, whether it be through all the games i've cycled through on my phone or talking to my friends, even if it makes the problem worse sometimes. it might... have something to do with how i listen? like i can comprehend and understand, but it's hard for me to take everything to heart. my first instinct to almost everything is to shy away, but underneath that skin, i'm constantly questioning, doubting, challenging. am i really like this? are other people really like that? can i trust them? can i trust myself?

can i trust myself enough to fake it till i make it, to play the role of a "smart", "obedient", "kind" person who's about to head off to college and make their contributions to the world?

writing this is weird because sometimes, i don't know what's true or fake. when i write, i like focusing on the fictional just so i don't have to address any of this. how much of this is real? how much of this was me rambling on and dramatizing things far more than they actually are? i'm probably not the most mentally sound, but at the same time i want to avoid labels until i get a clear-cut answer to all of this. there's a variety of reasons why i haven't gotten that answer yet (most prevalent being my parents don't believe mental illness is real, so to speak), and it's a struggle sometimes.

and yet.

i'm graduating this year. i'll probably be going off to college, either back in canada or somewhere in the states or even here in fl if i don't get in anywhere else or if going independent is just too much of a hurdle. i'll be a legal adult soon. i'll have to get myself in order, whether i like it or not.

i've spent so long confused over myself, and i think that if i can start to address some of the core issues with me, maybe i can start to get better. maybe i won't be so sad or listless or angry or bitter all the time or whatever. i need to be able to communicate to others, whether it be about my own ideas or about their ideas. i need to be able to talk without constantly feeling like i'm walled in, and by talking, maybe then i can finally think back about why some relationships worked out and why some didn't. there's a lot of things that are wrong and have been wrong for a really long time, and if i can just take that step forward to communicate more about emotions, things might start to look up.

i'm going to try and "be there" more for my friends and myself. past me would've broken down in tears at the thought (and i won't lie, writing this makes me very uneasy), but it's about time that i faced the music, so to speak. i can't just keep running away with my tail between my legs at the slightest mention of someone feeling unwell. i'm not sure how human this makes me, but hopefully human enough to be able to peacefully coexist with my mind and the society around me.

[✦ nemuri]

x

[✦ nemuri]

x

[✦ nemuri]

x

[✦ nemuri]

x

[✦ nemuri]

x

[✦ nemuri]

x