♛ - an eternal conundrum - ♛

Are you a writer or a poet? Come and share your creations with us, or discuss writing techniques with others
Forum rules
Please only post your own original work, do not post poetry or stories which were written by someone else.

♛ - an eternal conundrum // 일생의

Postby andreas⠀ » Sat Dec 16, 2017 6:45 pm

              ╓────────────────────╖






              Image
              ───────────────────────────────
              ❝ for life, darling and even after, if it is fate ❞






              ╙────────────────────╜
User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 101

Postby andreas⠀ » Fri Dec 22, 2017 9:30 am

      Skeletons and shadows, things of the past, things that don't really exist, but never go away. Mistakes, regrets, and insecurities are the remnants of those skeletons in my closet. Unstoppable rain falls down from these shadows through my eyes when my back is turned to you.

      My smile weighs heavily and is hard to maintain, but i do so anyway. It kills you inside to see the facade, but I'm afraid of losing you to the darkness that lies beyond it. So you smile back and we pretend we're okay. Why am I scared of being vulnerable to you? I worry that you'll see me broken and decide i'm not worth fixing. I'm frightened that my angel will lose her wings on the way down to where my thoughts reside.

      It's idiotic and I loath myself for the burden these inescapable skeletons and shadows put on you. But what can I do? I don't know what to do.
User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 102

Postby andreas⠀ » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:10 pm

      "I'd never go that far, you know that right?"

      "i don't know, that's the thing, that's what scares me."
User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 103

Postby andreas⠀ » Fri Dec 29, 2017 9:00 am

      he asked me why i felt like this, and i couldn't tell him, because i didn't know.

      he asked me why there was a hole in my chest, but if i knew the answer to that, it wouldn't exist in the first place. if it was as simple as sadness, all i'd have to do was get over it in time. but there's nothing to get over, there is no reason to explain it, nothing to fix. and yet its there, the tight vice around my heart making it hard to breathe.
User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 104

Postby andreas⠀ » Mon Jan 01, 2018 8:59 pm

      someplace where time seemed to stop. someplace where the depths of claw of winter never seemed to rake upon. she walked alone, wearing only a denim jacket and shorts but seemingly unfazed by the chilling weather. trees surrounded her, but she managed to glide around them soundlessly. she promised to take him here one day, and she did, but not physically.

      she could see him now, carefully eyeing their surroundings or complaining about a noise or insect. her lips parted to tease him, but she'd only be making fun of herself.
User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 105

Postby andreas⠀ » Mon Jan 01, 2018 11:20 pm

      he felt as though he was screaming, but no one could hear it. and part of him didn't want anyone to.

User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 106

Postby andreas⠀ » Mon Jan 01, 2018 11:30 pm

      it was that night. she looked away when he reached to hold her hand. her cheeks didn't warm at his touch touch and though she smiled, it seemed painful for her to do so. she smiled, but looked as though she'd cry any moment. the smile didn't last long. she avoided his gaze no matter how much he tried, knowing that looking into his eyes would break whatever fragile efforts she had at keeping it together. so he swallowed back hopeful, jovial words and embraced her, and she fell into his chest for the last time.

User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 107

Postby andreas⠀ » Tue Jan 02, 2018 12:04 am

      he could never quite understand why, and that's what hurt the most.
User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 108

Postby andreas⠀ » Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:40 am

      there was no sunshine when she was gone, because she was his star. but the more he got used to the warmth of her presence, the colder he was without it. and days are always shorter in the winter.
User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

♛ - an eternal conundrum - // 109

Postby andreas⠀ » Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:03 pm

      last year was something peculiar, but one that'll always stick out as unique to me. i no longer had the passion or energy held within previous years,, the energy to debate philosophies tirelessly or the passion to be the best at what i loved,, the burdens of my mind slowed me down greatly. with a lack of perceived progress i began to think id simply amount to nothing, that i'd never be successful or good enough, no matter how much i tried. i'd always struggled with my self image but never had it been as badly as when last year began; for the first time in years i considered myself ugly again, both physically and mentally. with that, i tried to stop caring, and i did, about myself, my grades and future...but the pain never completely went away. when that year began, a certain void which i thought i'd long since conquered resurfaced within my mind. a darkness was reborn that ate away thoughts of happiness, kept me awake all night and asleep all day. it was a pain that had no plausible cause or solution, and i didn't have a clue of what i did to deserve that, or why it wasn't as easy as sadness.

      but in january that year i got closer to the perfect distraction from those mental burdens, yet it was still cold. i remember dean, cheeze and jungkook of bts being the music i listened to, having recently discovered them. at the time, though i lost my motivation, i still had a clear goal in mind for my life and I worked towards it, hoping that everything that ailed me would go away when i reached that paradise. I remember every night i'd listen to cheeze (일기예보) to fall asleep, floating mentally away from my problems.

      february i was completely enamored with the distraction, and for the first time perhaps i became a distraction to them as-well. feelings were high and infatuation was in the air, i was something like a shoulder to cry on to them, night after night, and i realized how much they actually meant to me, and me to them. somewhere along the way those mental burdens became things that only surfaced at night, and i just slept to ignore them. and for that month, and half of the following, i convinced myself that maybe i was free from them. this was the month of butterflies, jay park, lee hi, and the month of being the first for a lot of things,,

      but the later half of march, things were less than perfect, it was paradise lost. those monsters crafted within my subconscious began to weigh heavily on me, and the things that took place that month perhaps as an after-effect to that are things i'd like to forget completely. no matter how hard i tried to escape my problems with my distraction, at some point they realized their own problems as-well, and the results only managed to exacerbate preexisting strife. i distinctly remember listening to the weeknd almost exclusively during this month, of head-ache and shakespeare.

      april and may were almost dreamlike. april was far from perfect, and those demons still haunted me but,, for the first time I didn't let them hinder me. and it showed in my life and relationships with other people. i tried harder in school and to keep a positive attitude, and i think i was content then. there were moments where i doubted myself, or where i was deterred by things i couldn't change,, but they were good months i wouldn't mind re-living. i remember calling her every or every other day those months, and i wish i could remember all the laughs, feelings and inside jokes that took place then. but i hold onto those memories, even as i make new ones, and smile simply knowing they happened.
      the songs of these spring months included post malone's deja vu, childish gambino's sober, daniel caesar's get you, gallant, tablo and eric nam's cave me in, the weeknd's i feel it coming, jeff bernat's call you mine, and hyolyn's one step.

      but at the end of may, things began to stagnate. passion grew and passion died, as it tends to do. it was my fault, at-least i'll always believe it to be so. june began with tears for me, as eventually the demons returned, for the first time since march, tears were shed as i nodded off to the oblivion of sleep. but an innocent friend kept me company, through that stressful month my grades were at stake and the one closest to me couldn't always be there due to time differences. we laughed together as the sun came up, watching anime at ungodly hours and truly getting to know one another for the first time. i could look forward and count on her company as i procrastinated on a paper, talking about bts or seeing who would crash first. june was extremely stressful for me and my parents didn't make it any easier, but she kept me sane and in good spirits, i'll always be grateful for that. even if june began as an empty month, devoid of feeling for me, it's a month ill always look back upon fondly when thinking of 2017. 2PM's i'll be, wanna love you again, hallucination (환각) and know your mind were how i started the summer.. NCT127's 0 mile and whiplash kept me awake while trying to work on papers.

      july, i looked forward to finally traveling out of the country to the first time. a vacation in europe for a couple weeks in summer sounded like heaven to me. i never ended up going and i don't honestly mind, as i later visited my family across the country. july was probably my favorite my month, especially for its beginning weeks. i practiced my musical abilities and decided then i would become a music professor if my career as a solo musician didn't play out. i can't exactly explain why but july was passionate yet went by too fast. it was the best month in the year, and i was genuinely happy then. it was definitely the most lively month, and i saw things about her i'd never saw before, and she likewise saw me. I wish i could go back, just to re-live the warmth of those times, and i hope i never forget.

      august however, was one i would not mind forgetting. it was as though march had returned again, and never had I experienced more internal turmoil than the last month of summer. i was physically sick for most of it, and once again i fell prey to those creatures of my subconscious.
      exo's the war album and bts' took up the rest of my music in summer.

      september was especially empty, but two important anniversary dates occurred then. still, i was less than myself and still figuring things out after the previous month. and i can't say i remember october well at all, even if it was my birth month. likewise november was a blur to me as-well, my only memories being conflicts that strained my relationships with others and my family. but fall in general was a season of me regaining a mental security and finding out things about myself and other people. i grew then.
      jimin's serendipity, seventeen's change up, exo's sweet lies, justin bieber's trust, day6's i wait and got7's moon u, teenager , to me, and rich brian's glow like dat were the songs i listened to most in the fall.

      december, last month, was a month of up's and downs as-well. but it was a good month. not the best but not the worst. the soundtracks to this month were definitely taemin's day and night, dean's instagram, jonghyun's lonely and shinee's dont let me go and lipstick.

      2017 was a strange year. less energetic,, but better than 2016. i learned a lot about myself and how other people are. and i grew a lot as-well, physically and mentally. and it was probably the year i became focused actively on music, and i got a lot closer to a lot of friends. here's to hoping this new year is a better one, if not,, just more consistent at-least, hopefully.



Last edited by andreas⠀ on Sat Mar 24, 2018 4:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
andreas⠀
 
Posts: 4609
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:43 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Return to Discuss & Share your Writing

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest