Never Trust A Traitor

[jj735]

This is a work in progress, and my first story. I will try to post a paragraph every second day. Please, if you think there is anything I could brush up on, or anything that you think I need to fix, then please tell me. I love getting advice so I can get better.

[jj735]

Tom heaved open the large metal gate to the semetry, and stopped for a short breather. He heard the distant sound of footsteps, and hurridly stepped into the semetry. He slammed the door shut and and ran along the grass, dodging the gravestones. He couldn't let Micheal and Pete catch him now. He had run from The school, around the block, across the courtyard, through the tennis courts, even through the haunted house. If that wasn't and achievment, Tom didn't know what was. He planned to hide behind the gravestones, and hope they didn't catch him, but he didn't see a way that could work now. He had to go through the church, and come out the other side. "No!" He said, cupping his face in his hands. He had to take the bull run. It was a shortcut through the hills, but a herd of bulls roamed there. Tom''s face hardened. He had got so far, and he wasn't chickening out now. "bull run, here I come." He muttered, before starting off down the path.

[jj735]

He came out of the other side of the church, and thrust himself through the gap in the fence. When he came out of the other side, he was in a murky green forest, covered in mist. It took him a while to become accustomed to the gloom, and when he finally could see, he gasped. He was face to face with a huge bull. Large square head, neck as thick as a tree trunk, horns as sharp as meat cleavers, and firey eyes, staring at Tom. "Never look into a bull's eyes." He had once been told. Now, he couldn't help himself.

[Ranger of the North]

Oh no!! Wow, you only just began and I'm interested already! ;D
Since you asked for tips, I noticed you started a lot of sentences with subjects/nouns, (things like 'he', 'tom', 'the', 'bull', and stuff like that c; ) and especially in the first paragraph. Giving sentence-openers a bit of variation helps make for an easier, even more interesting read Ex: so instead of 'He slammed the door shut and ran along the grass, dodging the gravestones.' you could say something like: 'Hurriedly he slammed the door shut and ran along the grass, dodging the gravestones.' (L-Y opener), or 'Moving quickly, he slammed the door shut and ran along the grass, dodging the gravestones.' (ing opener). bUt. Be careful not to over-do it? Subject sentence-openers are still good in moderation I sometimes struggling w' dis hhhhh
But once again, I like it a lot! I'm eager for more; I really want to know more about Tom and his situation

[jj735]

(Thanks so much for the advice!! I will try to improve!)

[jj735]

The bull dug it's hoof into the sand, and grunted. Tom looked around hurridly, and saw the old creek. The water was said to be as cold as ice, and that there were eels in there. He shudderd, then looked back at the bull. The creek it was. He sprinted up to the old rope swing, and ferociosly grabbed on to the end. He pushed off the edge of the stony terrain just in time to see the bull coming right at him. Tom shook with terror. He could stand it no more "AAH!" He screamed, as he let go of the rope. The seconds turned to minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days. The feeling of the water tingling, and send out ripples, tiny at first, as his feet dissolved into its midst. The final thought to himself; are you this water is good for my hygene? The smell, wait! don't sniff u...too late. Salty water running up his nostrils. "Can't breathe!" he gasped. The sight of the water below him and then blackness as he plunged deeper into the murky mess. It really was cold as ice. He just managed to swim to the other side when he collapsed on the edge of the bank. He smiled as he saw the bull picking on Micheal and Pete.Suddenly, Michael turned around swiftly. He spotted Tom, and started cursing him. I can’t write what Michael said, as it is too rude. Realising he needed to keep running, Tom started off again.

[Ranger of the North]

tHAT WAS TOO CLOSE 0o0

[jj735]

Sprinting was not something Tom enjoyed. He already had a stitch afterabout 15 metres. He stopped for a short while, then carried on. He was on a R0LL! Nobody could stop Tom now, nobody could help Michael and Pete catch up with him, and bully him. Not now. He was on top of the world, and noone would dare to pull him down. He took the path back to the street, and walked home. There, he had a nice long shower. Noone could ruin his day now. Now it was perfect.