*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[Cadin Araceli]

Life of a Princess. Wait what? No, Life of a Loser
So if you are going to use animals at your characters, you have to remember that they don't have opposable thumbs and can't walk on two legs...unless you tell us otherwise. This means you need to write a little differently than you would if you were writing as a human.
As for the first entry in general...In every diary (or journal) that I have written, it's look, then age, then things I like, then family stuff. For the family things you have...it's slightly unrealistic to the point that is drags the reader away. Mother don't act like that, they pull the "Be nice, she's younger and doesn't know any better" line, but they don't intentionally favor one kid. or at least not so obviously. like with the pancakes things, it would be more "Oh, she ate them all, sorry." not "I purposely excluded you from breakfast. Deal." And mothers don't purposely try to embarrass their kids, so having the mom call out something that isn't true is unrealistic as well. The kid sister, though, seems more likely to do something like that.
Also, make sure you proof read through it, there are some confusing sentences and misspellings so just check for that. Always something to look for. As I have said before, reading it out loud is your number one way of checking to see if it makes sense.
Overall, it seems like it could be an interesting story and I am glad you have continued beyond that you have on chickensmoothie. I hope you keep it up!

[sammmy]

ok thank you!

[sammmy]

Life of a Princess. Wait what? No, Life of a Loser
Thanks for the last one! Can you critique the second chapter/entry? Except I know the grammer is horrible I don't have spell check on this computer so just ignore the horrible spelling. thanks!

[Cadin Araceli]

Opps. sorry, I didn't see it. I'll get to it right away tomorrow!

[Emo_Angel]

(Just thought I'd post some of my poems here for a little bit of people's opinions, let me know what yah think!)

The Change

I miss the days of sunshine; joy.
That's all long gone, behind me.
It all slowly faded away
When insanity finally found me.

I watched as my whole world faded
To various blacks, whites, grey.
I guess, I knew what was happening,
But I disregarded the change.

I'm content with what I've become.
Comfortable inside my new skin.
And although they laugh, and taunt me
My devils; They'll never win.

Because I've found an untouched kind of serenity
A trait the whole world has left dead
It's now my skill, an adaption to
Loving what's Locked in my head.

I just wanna improve my writing techniques and see what people I don't know think of my work. Feel free to say good, bad, or random things xD

[Cadin Araceli]

(I will critique your poem asap!)
Life of a Princess. No, what? Life of a loser
Again, when anyone new starts talking, it's a new paragraph. It doesn't matter what the context is: new talkers, new paragraph. Try to tone down the embarassment some. There comes a point where it's too much for the reader, especially if you want to keep everyone laughing at her. If it's too much, it becomes more pity and less funny. This comes off as comedic, so try to keep it light! That, along with the additional from the first edit.
But overall, I do like what you are doing with it and it seems like it could be something really great! Keep it up!

[sammmy]

ok thank you!

[Cayla]

do you comment of quotes made by people?

if so i have a few i made.

[Cadin Araceli]

(yeah, go ahead and post what you got!)

The Change
First off, I am a really big fan of the free verse style with slight similarities between the verses, so for me this is a great poem style. The poem is kinda confusing though. I can't tell whether it was that it became better or it became worse, I think it's just moving from stanza to stanza, because the stanzas by themselves are great. So read it out loud and maybe see where you could make it flow better.
Overall, I like the piece and I think you can really make it something impactful.

[.bluejay.]

http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1989622
Please critique,
Thanks!