*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[OctaSmile]

Thank you! It was very helpful, now I have a better idea what to work on as I continue with the rest of it.
I would prefer it if you didn't post on story topic, so I can just keep it for the story. Thank you!

[Cadin Araceli]

No problem! I'm glad I could help

[SᴇᴄʀᴇᴛFᴏʀᴛᴜɴᴇ]

I'm coming home
Through the whole thing, it's all about this struggle and there is nothing really about your character, more than just hope and memories. Memories the reader doesn't get to see. Throwing those kind of things in or even flashbacks to random events that eventually hold relevance, would break up the monotony of walking and sleeping. Make sure you do a proof read, there was some capitalization errors, spelling errors, and some fragments. Read your piece allowed, I think that will help you find what needs to be broken up.
If you have your character doing the same thing for multiple days, don't describe each day. I don't care about each individual day. Time skip, give a overview of whats been going on the past 3-4-5 days/weeks/whatever and then give us what has changed enough that you are bringing us back into the details of the characters life.
Double check that the times you are giving us line up, making a time line will help with that so you don't mix up days. It's minor, but cleaning that up will really make it a better read.
The short chapters aren't a problem, just make sure you continue to have something different happen each chapter, and it would be a good idea for there to be a build up, of something more amazing and capturing each chapter. A good technique to keep people reading is to place something new at the end, like spotting something in the distance or hearing a voice or collapsing or whatever. It's the knowledge of not knowing what comes next that pushes the reader to continue on and read the next chapter and the next (i.e. reasons that sometimes you can't put down a book). Now you don't want to do this EVERY chapter, but having it happen often, especially in the first few, would help us get sucked into the scene, become attached to your character, and want to know more what happens to her and her life and all these things.
Over all, it has really great promise and I will probably continue reading it on my own (if I don't get caught up with other things) and I hope you continue with it and feel good about what you're writing, Because you should.
If there is anything you have questions about in general, feel free to ask
Also, would you like me to post this on your topic as well, or just leave it here?

Thank you for this. Ive been having to do most of it on my phone, which is why I haven't been able to proof read it ect.. (due to my laptop having to get fixed), but I can fixe these problems now. Ill try and take everything on board and fix everything above. Thanks for the help

[Cadin Araceli]

No problem!

[serenity QUITTING]

could you critique this, you amazing person? <3 it's just the prologue.

[Cadin Araceli]

Of course I can! As soon as I get off work Thank you

[FruityPieQ]

Can you critique what I have so far, please? ----> viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1949833

[Cadin Araceli]

of course!

[Cadin Araceli]

Leaving Him
So I can't say much because it just just to prologue, but I'll do what I can
Um first you go into the coffee shop and apparently leave with out ordering or drinking anything. So including small details like that is very nice! Also, there seems to be a very drastic change in the Kota. I suggest either showing him acting weird at the beginning or start the prologue after he was started acting weird and later give us flashbacks to what it used to be.
Also, I have no idea what your character look like or their age. For all I know, they are 20 year old black midgets. So throwing in some minor descriptions at least would be nice. I know this is only the prologue, but at least a mention of like hair and eye color and maybe height difference would be nice. Those are things that are nice to throw through out your piece so the reader constantly has a picture of how it all looks. Especially because it's from first person.
That's about all I have, if you post more I would love to read it and see where it goes though! So make sure you tell me

[serenity QUITTING]

thanks for the critique c: i'll definitely edit that stuff