*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[Cadin Araceli]

thank you for the critique! I tend for some reason to do more dialog than explaining, it's just a habit I can't seem to break.


what did you mean by 'the sequence of time'? I don't quite follow...

thank you again! I'm really glad you like it! It means a lot!

I cannot seem to differentiate between on day and an hour. It might just be me, but it's a good thing to keep in mind regardless~

[Amethyst The Gem]

Oh, I see. that's why I added little indications about the time that had passed.

such as one hour later, for the past two days, etc.

[Cadin Araceli]

Oh, I see. that's why I added little indications about the time that had passed.

such as one hour later, for the past two days, etc.

Sorry, somehow must have missed that! See, sometimes it's just me being weird!

[Amethyst The Gem]

Tis okay, I can miss things sometimes as well.

[Cadin Araceli]

~Queue Empty~

[subtle fox]

I must admit I've never done this before, but I figured it's high time for some different eyes to take a look.

This link goes to two of my short stories concerning a character I developed in one of this site's rps. I'd appreciate any critique anyone could give me, be it for one or both of the pieces.

[Cadin Araceli]

Derek's Backstory & Semi-plausible Sequel

I'm going to do each one semi-separate, especially since they read that way.

Derek's Backstory

The more I read on, the more interested I got, but it took me until the middle to be really drawn in. I feel like if maybe you used that first paragraph at the end, and instead gave us that back ground in the beginning a little more, like with the pit and everything, that it would suck us in more! not everything, of course, but enough that we don't feel lost. Also, maybe make the time and date thing easier to read because it is important to the story.

I felt that the scene with the mercenaries felt a little rushed? I mean, from when he decided to leave that note and voicemail to them putting him down, it seemed to lack the same insight and detail that you had before.

There are a few spelling errors as well, and one or two grammatical mistakes. Mostly I think you just need to look it over again and give it a little more attention and detail. Over all, it's really interesting a gripping! The built up is really good.

Semi-plausible Sequel

From the beginning, I was a little confused because I thought it was still from Derek's perspective. Then I was confused about whether Derek took blood or had blood taken from him. And, I know he had blood taken, but did he take something? So that heavy back and forth conversation really makes it hard to follow. Try to break it up with more details, and make it easier for us to keep track of who it talking! That, I feel, is kind of a general note for this part.

Also, a wonder why Derek wouldn't have come up with some cover lies to tell Sean about his past? Make it all less suspicious.

At the beginning, Sean told Captain that the blood was Derek's. Then Captain asks again who's blood it is.

There were also a few spelling/grammatical errors in this part as well. Just got to read through to catch those.

Overall I think this piece flowed better, and I really liked the kind of twists you threw in. I would certainly read more if you wrote it!

[subtle fox]

Thank you so much for the feedback! I hope you don't mind me writing my feedback for your feedback c:

This only looks like a lot of writing because I space my paragraphs out. I swear. It isn't that much.

For the first writing piece I do know the ending seems rushed. That was because I had wrote it for an English assignment, and I realized it was way over the maximum of two pages and had to finish it quickly. Originally, the ending was going to be written with a much more sensible pace. I never did get around to re-writing it.

That point of dating it differently is good. I think I wanted to give it a more trained, tactical feeling, but I find even myself skipping the dates because it takes too long to decipher.

I've been re-reading the damn thing for over a year now, but of course there's still some mistakes I have yet to weed out. I swear I shall find them. Eventually.

Now for the second piece, I think I just expected people to notice the different name of Sean and know it's not Derek. Quite a bit of the little bits you found confusing are definitely where I just began to write from no previously established information. (ie pulling from thin air) For both of these I'm not entirely sure how I could fix them, but I will take a look at making the dialogue easier to follow. I know that's one of my own pet peeves when it comes to reading books.

Come up with lies, or change his name, or do all that other stuff... honestly, because I wrote the whole thing in three hours and didn't think of all that. My bad.

As for him telling who about the blood, it looks like you found another point of confusion. It is actually Doctor Rajan Khera who is asking him later in the story, and the Commander who was on the other end of the phone at the beginning of the story. Also, Sean is the Captain (Captain Sean O'Hearn) and the Commander is his 'boss'. Perhaps try reading it again, if you'd like, and if it's still a problem I'll take a look at what I can change.

Looks like I'm going on another hunt for those big bad grammar mistakes.

Well, thank you very much for those kind words at the end. I will be sure to ask for some more helpful criticism in the future, if I end up writing anything else. (Which I am. Finally, not as a school assignment this time, as both of these were.)

[Cadin Araceli]

Of course you can!
Reading it a second time, I see that I did get just get confused. If you have any questions, or more piece, or whatever, let use now!

[jingle bells.]

Could you please critique this? It's not all the way finished yet but I decided to end off at cliff hanger part. So I guess this is a wip? Hehe, thanks anyways!

{ тαнιтι'ѕ ρσν }

XXXXXXXXThe grass glistened after the Spirit Horses had made it shower throughout Femren. The silver droplets of rain were on every single blade of grass Tahiti saw. He was only a yearling, not even close to being a colt. His dream was to one day become leader of EarthClan, the clan he was part of. EarthClan horses had plenty of abilities to use. He was soon going to become an apprentice, this is the stage in his clan when young colts learn about their powers and train to use them in battle.
XXXXXXXXTahiti was not positive if he was going to grow up in EarthClan though.
XXXXXXXXHe had been eavesdropping on his father's conversation with the leader of EarthClan. He heard that his father was going to make a new clan, where horses with all powers (Fire, Water, Air, Earth) would join together to form the greatest clan of all time; LightClan. The best part about LightClan is that crossbreeds were welcome to! Crossbreeds are horses or foals with opposite powered parents. Ex: Father would be Earth, mother would be Air.
XXXXXXXXCrossbreeds were usually picked on for their heritage, but in LightClan, all horses would be accepted equally. None was better than the other. Crossbreeds that lived in the other clans besides LightClan, sometimes got picked on. Crossbreeds and horses will be able to choose if the want to live in LightClan once they turn into a stallion or mare.
XXXXXXXXThis clan was going to be great and Tahiti loved the idea of it. The only thing he didn't like is that he was going to have to move to the newly created clan with his father though. That meant he had to say bye to all his friends he had made at EarthClan. He was also no longer going to be a EarthClan foal.
XXXXXXXXTahiti suddenly focused back on what he was doing when one of his friends, Sahara, spoke to him, "Your it!" she then suddenly galloped off.
XXXXXXXXTahiti narrowed his eyes. He usually did not get into childish games like this, as his father told him it wasn't stallion like; and if he was ever going to be a brave stallion like his father, he was going to have to forget the games. But an instinct inside Tahiti started to make his legs move into a fast paced walk, then a trot, then a slow canter, then a gallop.
XXXXXXXXBefore Tahiti knew it he was chasing after Sahara!

{ ѕαнαяα'ѕ ρσν }

XXXXXXXXSahara laughed to herself, and continued galloping away from Tahiti. Tahiti didn't usually play games with her like this, he was always worried about what his father would say about his decisions. He always seemed afraid of his father for some reason. There wasn't any excuse to be frightened by him, at least Sahara thought so. But she ignored that thought and moved her legs faster than she ever had before. There was no way he could catch her. Sahara felt like she was going past her own comprehension of how fast a horse could move.
XXXXXXXXSahara had stopped running, because she knew Tahiti was making no ground on her whatsoever. It seemed like the only thing she could do was pant and roll her eyes. Tahiti wasn't that athletic, he was more smart and organized. Sahara was the most athletic of the two. She did a turn on the forehand to face him, and sure enough, he was panting of exhaustion. Sahara swung her head around in an attempt to get the hair from her forelock out of her face. "Haha, you lost again! she giggled to herself so much her puny foal body couldn't take it. Sahara had beaten him in tag for the third time now.
XXXXXXXX"Yeah well... you wait till next time," Tahiti grunted a response and narrowed his eyes at the gloating Sahara.

{ тαнιтι'ѕ ρσν }

XXXXXXXXTahiti suddenly became glum as he listened closer to Sahara's next comment.
XXXXXXXXSahara now spoke in a lower, whisper like tone. "If there is a next time," she muttered, and her eyes seemed to be locked on some creature behind them.
XXXXXXXXTahiti gulped, he slowly turned around to see the creature behind him. He closed his eyes tightly, as if he was about to see something unbearably, unseeable. Once he was turned all the way around, he peaked open one if his eyes. But then relaxed suddenly and opened both eyes wide as he recognized the figure Sahara was staring at.