Not the End,but The Beginning of the end: Apocalpyse story

[Captain Chomp]

Just going to see where this goes. Please review and critique.

Prologue:
I watched. Flames billowed into the night looking as if the night sky was ablaze. I wanted to scream my heart and lungs out, but no soubd came from my chapped and parted lips. My mother, father, sister, and two brothers were trapped inside the collapsed and burning building with hundreds more. The ground beneath me shook and began to crumble. I wanted the ground to swallow me alive so I wouldn't have to go on and live in this doomed world, with all these maniacs. A rough hand pulled me away from my demise. "Kid are you stupid?" An older man questioned, glaring at me with a peircing green gaze.
" What if I am?" I retorted, spitting at the ground infront of his old worn out military boots.
The guy made a noise that sounded like a cat hissing as he rocked back on his heels, hands stuffed in his faded jeans' back pockets. "Dunno just didn't want to see a young girl like yourself get killed by stupidity," he huffed.
" Well I'm not your concern so just leave me alone!" I snapped, turning my head back to face the building once again. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes as I thought about my family, who were all probably burnt to death.
"Who'd you lose in that?" The old man asked again, pointing at the building. A snake tattooed on the underside of his left arm caught my attention.
'Don't bring it up.' I told myself quickly. "I lost my entire family. Mom, dad, both brothers, and my sister," I sighed. "What about you?"
"My wife, Susan and I'm not sure if my son made it out or not," he said, a few tears falling from his eyes and into his beard. "His name's Dante."
"Oh," was all I could manage to say.
He noddded and a strangled smile appeared on his lips. "My name's Eric, but you can call me E if you would like."
I nodded and turned completely away from the building, knowing my family wouldn't be coming out. "My name's Jaylen, but everyone calls me Jay," I said wrapping my jacket around me.
"Do you have anywhere to go now?" Eric asked kindly, but I could tell he was looking at the building behind me.
"No, well actually I don't know if my house is still intact. Probably isn't though. Why?"
"I plan on on just traveling around and staying where it's safe until it's no longer safe. I wouldn't mind some company if you would like to join me."
What other options did I really have? Try to survive on my own? Ha that's funny a fifteen year old trying to survive in a dying world. "It looks like I don't have any other options. So yes I wouldn't mind joining you," I simply said closing my eyes for a moment or two.

[Captain Chomp]

bump

[Captain Chomp]

bump finally finshed the prologue so I will start on chapter one. Review please and critque and vote in the poll

[Cadin Araceli]

So it starts off really amazing! I have all these questions as to why there is a building on fire and what exactly is going on and it really draws me in. The description is amazing, and I hope you are able to keep it up as you continue with your story (yes, you're continuing. I have questions that need answers)
But once the conversation starts, you kind of deviate away from your characters mind set so quickly it's kind of confusing. Make sure you keep letting us know what's going through your characters head just as much as you did before the conversation. Especially in the beginning. This allows us to move through the emotions with him, and find out exactly who your character it.
Also, there are places where it gets clogged up with a lot of adjectives and it choppy. Reading it allowed and kind of viewing character actions in your head should help you clear that up.
Then there is the fact that this is the prologue and I still am not sure what's going on. Just a building on fire. If you could throw in a little more explanation, just enough that we have a better idea but not a full idea, that would be great and I think it would also help you move into the later sections.
Do a proof read through, there was some spelling errors. Easily missed but always good to get just the same.
And this came more from my old English teacher and I try to keep to it as much as possible "Tears must be earned." Meaning there has to be a lot of emotion behind crying. Not just to show someone is sad or to make it dramatic. Being that it is only the first draft of your prologue, maybe the tears shed so far are earned. But at this point it is coming off as cheesy and overdone.
Overall, good read. I can't wait to read more and see what else happens!