☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

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[Gladis]

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[Gladis]

July 26th || An old friend
I met up with my middle school best friend today. It was something I have been avoiding for a long, long time.
I never had much trouble reconnecting with friends from my old school.
But I was avoiding the topic of seeing him again because it felt like I had let him down.
We became friends in 5th grade. Bonded over our geeky passions for superheroes, cats, & art.
There was another girl, & the three of us were inseparable.

6th grade me was pretty funny. People said I looked like a soft kitten. Or an angel.
I thought of this as a curse at the time.
I liked to sweep my messy bangs to the side, & I practiced to perfect my stone cold glare.
Despite my efforts to look dark & mean, everyone always assumed I was a sweet angel.
When boys would confess their feelings to me, I'd tell them to piss off.
I didn't want to be loved, I wanted to be feared.
(Think: kitten trying to be a tiger. These days are so cringey & yet so funny)
The three of us were trapped in our small little world.
Our rooms filled with messy art & collectible items.
We promised we'd never leave each other. We were going to be the same.

They stayed together as middle school ended & I was moved to a different high school.
"She's changed & turned into the people we've always hated."
My other friend would tell the others. I changed drastically while they held on to each other.
When I saw him again, we were complete opposites. He was a reflection of my childhood. I became the present.
I was so afraid of confrontation. It wasn't something I should cling to. We're not children or teenagers anymore.
But I felt like I had abandoned my former best friend.

When I approached the topic, he simply smiled.
"It's so nice to see how much we've both grown."

[Gladis]

A part of me hoped you'd call again.
But then reality set in, & I realize that
I deserve better.

[Gladis]

I had tea with my dad as we sat in the living room.
When I was younger, we would always fight in the living room.
I wish you would just care about me, I would scream.
But now we'd laugh at each other & treat each other like old friends.
He told me he trusted me & knew I'd be successful in whatever I put my heart into.

I kissed my momma goodnight.
When I was younger, I saw her as a monster.
She's not my mother, I would tell myself as she took me down with her words & hands.
But now she's the mother I always wanted as a kid. Loving & kind.
She told me she'd love me unconditionally. I am her only child, the happiness in her life.

My parents don't fight anymore.
When I was younger, they would fight like there was no tomorrow.
I don't want to come to your house anymore. Your parents are always yelling, my friends would say.
They never divorced for the sake of my 7-year-old heart, & that soon became a blame on me.
But now they see it as a blessing. Young, troubled lovers soon became a harmonious pair.

I always believed I was unwanted by the world.
My world felt like an unfixable mess.
But slowly, it started to repair itself.
5 years seems impossibly long, but the outcome is something beautiful.
So believe me when I say
"life gets better"

[Gladis]

I fell in love again. I fell in love with myself.
I fell in love with my body, my soul, & I fell in love with the girl I used to be.
I looked past my outer shell, & realized that I have lots of love to give.
I no longer cling to the affection of others,
my value is not determined by what people think about my face & body,
because I am in love with being me.

My biggest fear was that someone will look at me & decide that I wasn't enough.
But I am more than this beautiful outer shell that symbolizes the love & legacy of my parents.

With each day that passes, my happiness grows.
I am so grateful to be me.


- I will embrace this new chapter in my life with an open heart.

[Gladis]

I left his house at 5AM with a hole in my heart.
Not long after that, he left without a word.
No more 4-hour calls. No more constant texting. No more him.
I couldn't listen to the music that accidentally reminded me of him.
It started as a loud, thunderous boom. Then static, then silence.
Why did our love die?

But as the pain overtook me, my inner warrior protected me.
I realized my self-worth, my strength, & my beauty.
I deserved so much better than constant jealousy.
I deserved so much better than to be put down because he was insecure.
Even though everything was so hard to do with a broken heart,
I took care of myself.
I loved myself when he couldn't.
I loved myself until one day, I woke up & realized that stopped caring about him.
I woke up & realized that I had no love left for him.
I can't love someone who constantly belittles me & leaves me when he's done with me.

He came back a few days ago.
After running around for some time, he finally decided that I was "good enough" for him.
"I miss you. I miss your stupid jokes & your laughter. I love you. I really do."
He wasn't the first one to tell me that. I wasn't going to fall for it again.
My pain made me stronger. I wasn't going to let him destroy me again.
"My love for you died ages ago. You can't revive it with stupid excuses."

[Gladis]

Her brown curls matched her bright blue eyes & her big, goofy smile.
We would jokingly call her the "local Coloradoan hippie."
Birkenstocks, colorful cloth sweaters, flowers, & the endless hunt for happiness.
On some days, she would strum her ukelele as we sang & ran barefoot down the streets.
On others, she would wear wild hats as we ran across the grass fields & dipped out feet in the clear streams.
I fell in love with the infinite joy that bloomed inside of her & poured out like a waterfall.
She found joy in the little things. Trinkets, gifts from friends, & photographs littered her room.
She cherished the little moments shared by everybody.
Happiness poured out of her & became a part of me.
She was on the other end, bright with tones of yellow & orange.
I was a heavy pessimist, tinted with dark hues of black & purple.
& yet, she had somehow found a way to love me back.
We were complete opposites, but her beauty was something that never left my memory.
Have fun out there. I'll miss you!

[Gladis]

My body is my friend,
not my enemy.

[Gladis]

It is easier to love you,
when I love myself.