── your past becomes your god

[lol]

he rarely ever bares his fangs at me, but once in a while will i catch a glimpse of his raw tendencies.
he shows me soft summery fens of weeds and gypsophila gypsies where i subconsciously lose my mind. i'm dazzled in the limelight that he provided for me. . . and only me. the certainty of his impetus moves me across mountains where i dance alone in the white, fuzzy substance called snow. parkas of present memories where we're huddled together in mixtures of warmth, and that sudden assuredness creeps on the underside of my heart. rings with tattered knuckles from swings of hate, and a drive for becoming stronger— just in case.
i wish things would've ended up differently. that certainty of love i felt for him was so strong. we both gave it our all in the most benign way possible. . . but our all wasn't enough.

[lol]

a laugh that beckons me, but cannot reach me.
he is god.
fingers that steep, but cannot reach me.
he is god.
a smile that flattens the earth, but cannot reach me.
he is god.
teeth that are whiter than a pearl, but cannot reach me.
he is god.
a tall stature, but he will not reach me.
nobody is god.
heavy hails of warmth, but i will not be reached.
nobody is god.
chatter louder than a whining spur of a won arcade machine, but i will not be reached.
nobody is god.
connections deeper than the earth's core, but i will not be reached.
nobody is god.
the truth is lost, but we will not be reached.
you are god.

[lol]

the back of my throat tinges with something unimaginable. the truth.
my larynx that forces to push any sort of air out for me to speak is suddenly silenced. the heat that strangles the underside of my ears travel to my cheeks where it imbrues into a giant fire of embarrassment. an anaconda slithers around my neck, tightening that truth even further. it gives me verisimilitude of the situation. just who did i think i was fooling? to go this long in a simmering silence. . . i hinge slowly. the snake vanishes and so does my facade.
i let everything go.

i let you go. . .

[lol]

i wish i wasn't torn up so much. i feel brittle like a scrap piece of paper. my worth has been belittled so many times that i'm starting to forget if. . . anyone actually cares anymore. i've had my miss slips— especially in april. he's just been proving all this time that 'wanting to be here for me' is an actual lie. go ahead, you were able to get out of the house and go on a beach vacation with her. i hope it was worth it. i hope you thought about me and my mental health— the picture, the words, all of it. you know more than anyone that i have been struggling. . . for so long. so why is it, she gets to go on a beach vacation? and you? you get to go out and scam all of us. it hurts. god it hurts. sitting here, rotting. knowing what's about to come and you're going to YELL at me for being 'helpless'. for not getting started. for not being motivated. maybe if you weren't part of the problem, then all of this would be resolved. i just want to get better, and i want to get out. why don't you understand that? and trying to talk to you is like talking to the wall. you don't listen unless it's about you. you're the reason why i feel like this. this unbearable pain that won't go away. you're the arthritis to my joints— the last thing i want nor need. so, the next time you ask me what's wrong, i give you a half-ass answer, and you start yelling at me. . . know that you are the problem. and i won't get better unless you become a better person.

[lol]

i still hide you in all my writing work. i remain to think so highly of you. writing to fabricate that thought hurts from time to time. come back to me.

[lol]

I......my summer has been far from fun, in fact, the only thing i've been stressing over has been you. not that you unequivocally care, but. . . you not only tore out my heart, but you tore out my family's love as well. you pretended after a month that it happened that nothing was wrong, and then proceeded to act like the victim. not only have you ascertained to me how self-centered that you are, but how little you've ever cared for me and my wellbeing. i've tried silently to dispose of myself from most of your social medias— i hope you've noticed by now that i no longer want to be associated with you in any connotation. you've been a frugal person to be around when the light guided its way onto your attention-seeking self, but i deliberately want to cut ties with that sort of behavior. i've dropped the ball for you to catch several months back, but you never caught it; honestly, i think it's still falling.
II......i believe now more than ever, if you decide to come back, apologize, and try to be friends again— i wouldn't hesitate twice to turn a blind eye to you. you've acted like the entire sun, moon, and stars rise, rotate, and ascend for you. not once, have you not gotten your way. to put it lightly, you're beyond spoiled. retracting my friendship would be like shattering your archaic vase. it must be done. i don't care if we have to work together in the future, but i won't be as welcoming as i was before. you took a vulnerability of mine, joked about it, and have presumed that the sword you stabbed in my back has stopped the bleeding.
III......the bleeding hasn't stopped. i still toss and turn over the sentence that you uttered. . . that you thought was funny, that you thought and processed in that recant brain of yours. you took a childhood game of mine, and made it something that i can barely look at without recalling what you said. you also took someone that i loved dearly, and made it unbearably hard to think about them without recalling what you said. i don't know if you did it for shock-value, but you've traumatized me— one way or another. i hope you're beyond proud, but besides feeling proud and like the victim that you think you are. . . i hope you've also considered that you've lost a close friend. i'm ready to move on, are you?

[lol]

sickled with a burden of latitude
you never failed to allude.
what would become your ultimate demise
will become my drawing abscise.
i look behind the gloating eyes
and find nothing more than a guise.
why do you lurk the way that you do?
you already know that we're through.
please take a moment to step outside
and frolic in bona fide.
this will be the last of my attempts to exorcize you via jotting
all of this draws a close just like my last plotting.

[lol]

carnage bellows across the yellow-backs of acalymma's. the harsh sun that whips the tiny beetles from each leaf call out in song. the day is coming to a gradual curtain close— nothing new, nothing old. a set of feet are tangled in the ticklish tall grass dying off by thickened weeds. the sun's haze seems to follow after the entities hiding in the prairie. neurotic fiends that cower in bushes observe with a lack of thought. mother nature caws at the tick of a crow following the dismissal of the sun. time appears to flow perfectly. there isn't a moment spared for the creatures to allow their primal instincts to kick in. the sun knows this, so he bows for the moon. his half of the day is over, but for her. . . it's just beginning. and with one last stout of a bird's chirp, the night has begun.

[lol]

for attractive lips, speak words of kindness
for lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
for a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
for beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
for poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
people, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.
as you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

— time tested beauty tips by sam levenson

[lol]

i hope to never see you again. in fact, i wish it.
i wish to never see you again.
i wish to never hear from you again.
you don't have much time left, but you failed.
time and time again.
i don't have any sympathy for you.
nobody does.
i wish to never see you again. . .