*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[Cadin Araceli]

UPDATE ON THE FIRST POST!

And a GIANT thank you to everyone who has posted and let me critique their works. I know I have been slow to respond as of lately, but I am hoping to fix that by giving myself more of a schedule. But I appreciate your patience with me and I hope it was worth the wait ^-^

[Pugmaster]

A peaceful meadow with trees and butterflies surrounded me. Warm, fresh streams let out clear steam which smelled clean and beautiful. A person appeared, holding out a glass of water with sweat on it. I thankfully drank it, returning it to the person. I touched a tree, running my hand upon the bark. But something was wrong. The landscape began falling apart into deep, black darkness.

Not bad I think.

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

This is the Prologue to my Wattpad/Fanfiction story Your love is blind:

Laying awake upon the cold stone floor, here I stay, about to give up. You never came but how is it that if you never came it hurts so much to see you leave? Why is it only now the abandonment hits me? After all it's not like your the first to abandon me... No definitely not, seeing as my own mother an father didn't want me, nor did any orphanage. I hope you can find it in your heart to love me, me whom was shunned my whole life, unloved and unloving. Don't leave, allow me to love you and hopefully you to love me in return. Don't hide away from any time chance appears before you, a chance to be whole, a chance to be wanted. Let me ease your pain and in return ease mine. Alone I stand, dying inside, afraid to call your name aloud, afraid to open my eyes to find you gone, nothing but the empty space you should preoccupy yourself with filling.

[c a l a m i t y]

Its the dead of night.
Clock strikes twelve.
Shrieks of animals.
There's no point running.

Here comes the monster.
There's no point running.
Big teeth,sharp claws.
There's no point running.

He feasts upon on worms in bowls.
He eats the eyeballs as they roll.
He eats the puny,small and weak.
There's no point running.

Here comes the monster.
There's no point running.
Big teeth,sharp claws.
There's no point running.

He opens his mouth.
Out fly's a soul.
He steps closer and whispers dear.
"Oh what do we have here?"
There's no point running.

Here comes the monster.
There's no point running.
Big teeth,sharp claws.
There's no point running.

He snaps his jaws once or twice.
All the mice go running off.
He scoffs you down.
The whole lot.
There's no point running.

Here comes the monster.
There's no point running.
Big teeth,sharp claws.
There's no point running.

When faced with this monster,
Stay quite still.
Otherwise,
There's no point running!

Please critique this!Thanks!

[Cadin Araceli]

Pursuit of the Key Holders (Sherlock Fanfic)
This piece started off very well, keeping close to the characters of the show and the relationship they share. As it goes on, it becomes more and more of another version of Sherlock then a fanfic of the show. Like John asking for details for the blog, Sherlock sharing certain details with the suspect and Lestrade. Generally, as we see from the show, Sherlock simply observes, listens, and doesn't reveal the details until later. You also never had anyone interrupt him, and if they do he simply ignore them, not give a snide comment back. Also, Sherlock has hardly ever been caught in a fight he wasn't expecting. So for him to get knocked out and not see it by someone he was chasing…and also say he couldn't have taken him in a fight is very much so out of character.
Beyond character, it's a very well written piece. Just re-read it over to check for paragraph breaks between different characters speaking, punctuation errors, and do a little research into bombing effects on buildings and the effects a punch would have on the face in the matter of bruising and cuts. And remember if you start writing from one perspective (for this case from johns) to keep it constant throughout the piece. (i.e. we don't know what anyone else is thinking or feelings besides John. We can only have visual cues or people that seem a certain way)
There is a lot of promise in this fic, just try to keep true to the characters, and always fact check things like bombs, cuts, and vehicles. Best of luck with the rest of the vic ^-^

[Cadin Araceli]

A peaceful meadow with trees and butterflies surrounded me. Warm, fresh streams let out clear steam which smelled clean and beautiful. A person appeared, holding out a glass of water with sweat on it. I thankfully drank it, returning it to the person. I touched a tree, running my hand upon the bark. But something was wrong. The landscape began falling apart into deep, black darkness.

Not bad I think.

I like this paragraph. It leaves a lot to the imagination, but gives a very strong base to start from. It seems like the prologue to some story. Try to give a little bit of description as to your mental state about being in this place, and this stranger that appears. I hope there is more to this than just this paragraph. It seems like a really good start to a story to me.

[MalcolmOmnishambles]

Thanks for the help! And I do need to flush out the details more. I may or may not change some of the character stuff you pointed out. I'm sure we both know, not all fanfics stay true to the show. I typed it on word and then pasted here, but I keep updating it on word and then forgetting to past the new one over. Thanks again for the help! Going to go re-reas it now.^.^

[Cadin Araceli]

This is the Prologue to my Wattpad/Fanfiction story Your love is blind:

Laying awake upon the cold stone floor, here I stay, about to give up. You never came but how is it that if you never came it hurts so much to see you leave? Why is it only now the abandonment hits me? After all it's not like your the first to abandon me... No definitely not, seeing as my own mother an father didn't want me, nor did any orphanage. I hope you can find it in your heart to love me, me whom was shunned my whole life, unloved and unloving. Don't leave, allow me to love you and hopefully you to love me in return. Don't hide away from any time chance appears before you, a chance to be whole, a chance to be wanted. Let me ease your pain and in return ease mine. Alone I stand, dying inside, afraid to call your name aloud, afraid to open my eyes to find you gone, nothing but the empty space you should preoccupy yourself with filling.

This seems a lot more like a poem all screeched up then a prologue. Just because of how it's written punctuation wise and the flow. The content itself is wonderful, and powerful. A desperate act for a chance at love and the fear of abandonment. There are some minor errors you will catch as you re-read the piece.
If you were to make it more of a prologue, I suggest making it more sentence with less commas. Give a bit more detail about where you are, about your character, and this interest he/she has, and less of an over-arching view of their life.
Good luck ^-^

[Cadin Araceli]

Never Again's Poem

After reading this, I am not sure if it a poem or a song (repeating verse) but either way, here it goes.
I like how you tie the whole thing together with the repeating line. It's broken up enough it's not monotonous, and present enough its effective. I would suggest trying to tie it in a little more the changing stanzas, so it's a part of it instead of tagged on (like you did with the last paragraph). I would also throw a stanza or two actually describing the creature (red, blue, furry, scaly, etc) to give us a better picture as to how he looks as well as to what he can do. Also maybe give more like 'stories' of what he has done along with what he is currently doing to give us more to hang onto. That would give the ending more of a bang as well.
But even if you just read it through and decide not to change anything, it is a good poem/song. Congratz.

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

This is the Prologue to my Wattpad/Fanfiction story Your love is blind:

Laying awake upon the cold stone floor, here I stay, about to give up. You never came but how is it that if you never came it hurts so much to see you leave? Why is it only now the abandonment hits me? After all it's not like your the first to abandon me... No definitely not, seeing as my own mother an father didn't want me, nor did any orphanage. I hope you can find it in your heart to love me, me whom was shunned my whole life, unloved and unloving. Don't leave, allow me to love you and hopefully you to love me in return. Don't hide away from any time chance appears before you, a chance to be whole, a chance to be wanted. Let me ease your pain and in return ease mine. Alone I stand, dying inside, afraid to call your name aloud, afraid to open my eyes to find you gone, nothing but the empty space you should preoccupy yourself with filling.

This seems a lot more like a poem all screeched up then a prologue. Just because of how it's written punctuation wise and the flow. The content itself is wonderful, and powerful. A desperate act for a chance at love and the fear of abandonment. There are some minor errors you will catch as you re-read the piece.
If you were to make it more of a prologue, I suggest making it more sentence with less commas. Give a bit more detail about where you are, about your character, and this interest he/she has, and less of an over-arching view of their life.
Good luck ^-^

Thank you very much. I will fin the errors. Its in the poetic format because of the main character. She is very literal and poetic.