── your past becomes your god

[lol]

why do i feel too hurt to write with others?
i simply used to enjoy it.
making quotas on quotas of detailed posts and responses.
now. . . i feel like everyone is the same.

same story, same answers, and same abandonment.

i haven't written with anyone in awhile.
i do miss the connection between two characters.
i want to get back into it. i need to get back into it.
what else is there to do?

i just don't know how. . .

where do i even start?
maybe lurking is perhaps the better move this time through.
literate or not— i do enjoy reading other stories.
i think that's exactly what i'll do instead.

[lol]

i keep telling myself that i'm ready for the commitment,
but in fact, i'm not at all ready.
i don't really want the commitment. i'm tired of it. what
people 'want' from me, the things they expect, and the -
low-hanging need to constantly get what they want from
me.

want, want, want. need, need, need. these words hold no
meaning to me anymore.
i don't care what you want and what you need. i should
consider myself. . . it's selfish. i also try to justify my fee-
lings. are these things too harsh to mull over? is ignoring
some of my messages too lackey of me? am i an halfwit
to just give up on some people?

i feel bad: a key component to wanting to better myself
in these situations. feeling 'bad' is an essential feeling to
growing up. . . or at least, that's what i try to believe in.
like many tidal riffs splitting to cluster new beginnings—
i too need to move apart. to do this, i have to write up
new standards and follow them.
my anxiety is always a step ahead when it comes to guilt.
this time though, i'm not going to muddle through culpa-
bility.

i'm going to get through this. i'm not going to back down.
time to start a new chapter. . .

[lol]

latching onto thread
copious liberation
time to cut the thread. . .

[lol]

i miss a lot of people. . . generally speaking. i think of three people
like primary colors. it's ridiculous.

a childhood friend (blue): we met on a kids site similar to this one. we connected
& latched onto each other so easily. . . i miss him. back in march, when
corona was first breaking heat— i revisited the site. much to my surprise,
he was also on at the same time. maybe it was an old-fashioned coincidence,
but. . . we spent two days talking to each other. remembering old things
and reconnecting in ways i was hoping for. it had been ten years. . . ten,
until march came around. sadly though, he stopped coming on, and now i
have no real way of contacting him. i hope he's holding up alright though.

a second childhood friend (red): i'm not going to delve into them too much just
because we met on this site, but i highly doubt they remember me. it's
been too long and i've switched accounts in that time period. . . this person
was probably the first to coaxing me into watching a sports anime. in fact,
i can't watch the new seasons to this particular anime because of them.
i just. . . feel weird. they were incredibly nice to me and made my mornings
AND nights because of their sense of humor; however, as i was young, i
made preliminary decisions that shouldn't have been made. in shorter words,
i screwed up. . . big time and i miss them. i'm not sure if they're still on
cs, but— i'm wishing them the best.

a third childhood friend (yellow): we met on deviantart (insert flushed emoji here).
she was. . . the first person to get me into roleplaying. it was all warrior cat
based, and she drew art of it— scenes, characters, you name it. i remember
her telling me that she was in a financial bind and that her time spent on DA
would probably be cut short soon. i- being the youngling that i was ended up
deleting my art account because one— she was the ONLY friend i had on there
and i felt like she was leaving me, and two— nothing on DA during the
summer of 2011 was fun. besides the drama filled chatrooms and skype. . . i
felt like i needed to remove myself from that platform. and thank god that i
did, but i do occasionally wonder about her from time to time. where is she
now and is she alright? i want to pit myself in another long and fun conversation
with her at 2 a.m. . . but those times are now gone.

i think because i have a lack of friends now (LOL, yes, i'm straight up admitting
to it), thinking about these people that i used to have good times with make me
feel like i could do so much better. . . if i just put my foot in the right direction.
sometimes it's so hard for me to do without wanting to trip up on the invisible
wire hanging beneath me. i hope, one day maybe. . . i'll make another friend
that makes such a bold imprint in the forefront of my mind.

[lol]

stretching feels so good. the span of moving your arms upwards and tensing up your stiff legs is. . . beyond euphoric. all those numb points in your body readjust just from a simple movement. i'm writing this in hopes that you too will stretch just for a moment. take a simmering second to get the blood moving again. arms up, deeply inhale, and slowly move those arms back down in a gradual sweep. doing it consistently is key. that is all.

[lol]

i want to post this now in case i decide to forget about this in a month or two.
i saw a tweet this morning that was essentially saying that using
she/they pronouns were a bit useless because people ended up
using she/her pronouns instead of they/them pronouns. . . i had
considered this for a moment and realized that literally all my
friends (even while knowing that i go by she/they pronouns) only
use she/her with me. i've started to question it a lot. is it because
they're not comfortable using they/them with me? to think that i
might have to switch to using they/them pronouns just to be
referred to something that i'm more comfortable with is really
disheartening to me. i've always used she/they to give everyone
some legroom between my pronouns. i've never been a stickler to
what people decide to use on me because it never. . . really
bothered me? but now that i ponder on it- i realize that almost no
one has used they/them pronouns on me and that makes me so, so,
so upset. not so at myself, but rather my friends. are these really
the people i decide to surround myself with? do you guys only refer
to me based on my physical appearance?
cue a long, melodramatic sigh. gender sucks, big time. i'm not
usually confused about myself, but. . . maybe it's a matter of inquiring
who i'm hanging out with rather than my own identity? we'll see where
this path goes in a month or two. just thought i would post this now in
case the plot thickens.

[lol]

i'm not tired, just misguided.

[lol]

a livid loss of long-range lies.
notable notations with never-ending gnaws.
unconsidered, unmatched, unaware.
when will it waver?
an ostentatious and obvious onus.
tasteless, tangible trapeze of tergiversation.
i'm inaudible in insensibility.
your phlegm phrases of pathway prevarication. . .
you make me moot with mirth.

[lol]

you're becoming a tethered prerequisite that believes in the wrong thing.
i want to save you from the drowning subsidy that we call a reality, but. . .
you're falling too far from what's right and what's wrong. invalidity.

i'm sorry that there's nothing more that i can do.

[lol]

"don't you cry, my sweetheart, it's a lovely day
come this day, this is the first day of ours to really be together
so just close your eyes, through the night

so don't cry, my sweetheart, your morning's come
all i wish from high above somewhere in the clouds
you're not alone, remember, i live in you
so darling, don't you cry

i could be your summer rain
field of autumn grain
wind blowing winter, sound of the snow
no need to look for me

melody of the beautiful spring
all your pain will lead you to tomorrow

brightness and joy forever
love everything in your life
so don't cry."

— season by taku iwasaki