trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

august 26th, 2019 ♥
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page five!!
I see it's been a sizeable amount of days again since my last entry (excluding the little thing I put together the other day). by the time monday rolls around again, I will be in my new dorm room, probably still in the process of arranging everything. that's quite the scary thought. tomorrow my dad and I are going to a dentist appointment and then out shopping. I'm semi-looking forward to it, not necessarily the dentist part (lol), but it'll be fun to buy all the supplies I need. also my dad and I literally haven't hung out one-on-one this summer, sooo….

work has been ok I guess. my last day at the less-than-awesome place came and went yippee. (I still hope I haven't made a grave mistake... e.e) I've also had to work at ton at my favorite place. C$ got sick and so she wasn't there a whole lot. there's also been a lot of drama and people quitting... my manager has progressively been making me angrier and angrier as well with all the strange and insane new rules he's started enforcing. I swear that man is also a child. if someone dares go against what he wants then he'll either turn it into a dumb joke, or, if you make him mad enough, he'll just quit talking and walk away. I happened to do that to him last week as my last day at my other job fell on the same day and time as this place... thankfully I had the whole rest of the store on my side so I didn't get in any trouble for not showing there that day. x_x anyway, I'll be happy to be rid of that man for awhile. (ps - I'm convinced he wants to see me fail. the café manager, who recently quit, told me shortly before she left that he told her when I first started he'd never thought I'd last, because I was so quiet. well pardon you sir. you don't know what I'm going through or why I'm so "quiet". plus, it doesn't mean I'm stupid or lazy. I can do my job just as well as anyone else, social skills or not. he also asked me today if I would be back for the holidays and I said yes. he continued to ask, "back to this town, or back to (name of workplace)?" and I said "both". like, dude, I am not quitting at this place! stop doubting me so much!! that's absolutely no way to treat your employees!!)

I published the first part of my fanfiction I briefly talked about last night. haven't checked it out as of late to see if anyone's read it. I checked when I got to work this morning and saw it got a view, so, woo, I guess? x'D like I said I still don't expect much from it at all. if I get a fan or two it'll totally brighten my day but I hardly expect more than that. mostly it's just about me getting myself out there and giving myself experience in the public eye. also, originally the thing was only supposed to be like five chapters (it was actually a one-shot but it got realllyyyy lengthy - just over 10k words. so I had to split it up, otherwise I doubt it'd hold people's interest as easily.) though I've been thinking about it most of the week and I'm really considering expanding it a bit into a short novel of sorts.

well I've just kinda lost my interest in typing now... shortly before I started this entry I went ahead and did it, I finally gathered up the guts to text mh. he just responded... "no I won't sorry, though I'll be coming up in like a month to see everyone". I was pretty positive he was going to say that. I just knew that'd be the case, it wouldn't make sense for him to come back if he was getting his own place in a big city... the way he says it sounds so cold. he says he's sorry but it sounds like he's not really. he sounds super, I don't know, reserved or something. like we're just acquaintances and nothing more. I knew texting him would probably depress me whenever I finally did it and ugh, it has. I'm a little hurt and a little apprehensive to keep the conversation going. :/

he'll be coming up in a month though?? oh noez. do I even want to see him? he'll probably be mostly there for n and cy and that other list of annoying people. if I see him again it's going to be so friggen awkward. yeah, just pretend like that whole letter and thing I said before we departed didn't happen. yeah, let's just pretend like nothing happened, how about. why does this guy frustrate me so much? I just. -flails hands- I don't even know. I think I need a moment before I say anything else to him. before I cut the chord and give him the silent treatment for awhile. an eternity, if I don't see him in "that month from now". he pains me so much. I wish I'd never met him sometimes.

I think I'm going to cut this here. I need some time alone with my thoughts now. I knew exactly what he was going to say, but for some reason, seeing it in reality is still hitting too hard. hopefully I'll be back before I move in to my dorm. otherwise, I guess I'll be back in that new era.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

september 12th, 2019 ♥
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it's been a good while since I wrote one of these. oopsie. guess I just got busy and lost interest with the new school year starting.

where should I start. my final days at home were alright. was kinda glad I was leaving when I did though... there was a lot of odd-topic drama in the household. pets misbehaving, my sister breaking her computer after dropping the hard drive on the floor, and then my lovely boss decided to deliver another set of new rules on my last day... yuck. yeah, like I said, glad I got out when I did.

I updated how things panned out with my conversation with mh awhile ago on the other page, though I guess I'll briefly cover it here as well. so yeah. I ended up throwing another fit after I left that night. the way he phrased his response just stung so much. just overall hearing from him again hurt me so much. but I forced myself to claw through the pain and talk to him a little longer. we basically just went over the "how are you"s, how our jobs were, basic stuff. I decided to tell him about me going out with mt and he continued to bombard me with questions about him then... made me both laugh and cry honestly. and then, after about two days, I decided to be the one to close the conversation. with, "let me know when you decide to visit campus and maybe I'll come say hi." emphasis on the maybe. I don't know if I will, if and when he decides to swing by. if he plans to organize some big get-together with me and n and cy and all those other minor friends of him I despise then he might as well forget it. I still glare every time I see those people walking around since I got back. I really don't want to spend an evening surrounded by my enemies and the main trigger of so many of my problems. but if he wants to meet with us individually. well. maybe I'll see him. like I said though. maybe. seeing him I know already is going to cause me some severe anxiety. I'm also probs gonna return to my room and cry after we depart. cause even though the pain grows less and less with each passing day... he's always still there. he's literally become a part of me. I'm not even kidding. my personality has changed from how it was a year ago. I'm not as kind as I used to be. I crack some pretty terrible jokes and am not afraid to cast shade at people I don't like. sometimes without even thinking I'll blurt out phrases and instantly realize them to be mh's. so yeah. he affected me so much he literally engrained himself in part of my personality. cool. and unfortunately, I do still care for him. a lot. I still often wonder how he's doing, what's he up to at the current moment. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I wonder what he did with that letter... did he even read it? did he throw it out? or did he keep it? I still care. I care very much. even after talking to mt this long, mh is still the one I have feelings for. love hurts, man. I should've just stayed an antisocial nobody. heh.... heh.

anyway. I have continued to keep contact with mt as well, even with me being back here now. I was hoping we could go out once more before I left but then a) first he got incredibly busy and distracted.. and then b) he got so ill he had to go to the hospital. so uhm. that was a no-go. it's nice having him to talk to yet, at the very least.

school has been fine so far. move-in was rough. my dorm is located in like, the dead center of the building. the building to begin with is an annoyingly large distance away from any parking spaces. so it took me over two hours to get everything moved on my own. urghhhhhhh. I live next door to ja and her roommate a this year... I made some joke to my parents before I left that "she'd be at my door every day now" and uhm, that ended up not being so much of a joke. after she first bumped into me in the cafeteria she's just been there constantly now. last week she dragged me to the movies with her. ig it's not bad though... at least it's someone to talk to? x'D ow my life is bad.

classes have been alright. all of them are meh to say the least. my german class is proving to be a mild nightmare, the entire textbook is in german so I can't even understand my homework directions... the teacher's also kind of weird and difficult to follow. also she's really, really concerned about cheaters... we had our first quiz yesterday and she made us all take our chairs into separate corners and pledge an honesty vow on our quiz paper. O_o (holy heck I just glanced out the window and it's scarily dark out there... might not hurt to check the weather... again...) our first test in that class is also on monday. like gee, that feels early, but okay... we'll see how this goes...

I also got a new job. I'm working at the one job I believe I mentioned applying for, that has to do with graphic design and stuff. I thought the interview went horrible when I went in for it (I said close to nothing and when I did speak I sounded so dumb... like, she asked me if I was more comfortable with a mac or pc and I FORGOT WHAT A PC WAS CALLED and stood there awkwardly trying to explain my thoughts...) though she offered me it on the spot, despite her having six other people lined up for an interview as well, like. what. well anyway. the job's been alright, a little boring and I still don't have much of a clue what's really going on. x'D also the pay is terrible. terribleeeeee. but hey, at least it's some new and useful experience on my resume? and I don't have to work weekends! woo!!!!

well I don't believe I have much else to say. well except I was at work today when we all got an alert there was a tornado warning out. o_o though everyone in the office was like "bah, we'll only go in the basement if it starts looking really bad outside". ...so yeah, luckily the tornado went north of us and we were fine. talk about a mini-heart attack though. I called my mom about it though she hasn't called back. >.> thinking about re-calling her once I'm done here. also I texted m, ONCE AGAIN, about meeting up sometime. ( I saw her a lot last week for some reason, in fact she was the first face I saw when I returned to campus, like what. seen her a lot this week too come to think of it, though mostly it's been me staring her down and being too much of my anxious self to yell out to her while she misses catching me...) I have reason to suspect she's ignoring my message AGAIN though. since I can see she's on her phone, yay facebook. -bangs head on desk- WHYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I think I'm gonna go look at the weather outside then. re-call my mom as well. >.> not sure what else to do this evening, I have no homework for the time being though I'm aware I have a significant workload to be assigned tomorrow for the weekend. kinda feel like getting a head-start on that stuff so I can just have the weekend free but mehhh…. also, since I don't work weekends, I've been trying to start this new thing where I write at least a chapter of something over them. stuck to it well last week and did two chapters, one each day. hoping I can keep sticking to it too. feels nice to write so much again and it actually seems to flow better when I'm not going over it in my mind forever before finally getting around to writing it down. (:

time to go. till the next one.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

september 27th, 2019 ♥
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I ish back again

meh, feels like both a lot and nothing at all has happened since my last one of these. last week was just. AWFUL school-wise though... I had soooo much to do last friday and saturday it was terrible. I was fairly busy this week too and didn't have a whole lot of time for much of anything but homework. granted I still have to read a freakishly long chapter, write a short paper and study for a test this weekend too, but I should have at least some time to myself. (at least I don't have an ounce of math to do this weekend yippeeee. had a test for it today that was super easy and the teacher was nice enough to not assign us anything now. (: I kinda like that teacher, she's quite helpful and supportive.)

I've spent a significant amount of time with ja the past two weeks... her, me and her roommate am have all been going to supper pretty much daily. we've also been going places on all the weekends. last week we went shopping super late at night and the whole experience was just really weird (lol), and tonight we went to a fall festival the town was having. (also,, I think this dude from my german class/my choir has developed a crush on me. oh god. >_> he's one of those new faces on campus I first got to remembering as he likes to dress... so... odd. also he's?? really?? good?? at speaking german already... idk. I'd never actually spoken to this dude until he came up to me and ja tonight and was like "oh can I sit with you?" the whole thing was super awkward then cause I wasn't sure how to begin conversation with him (cause like, I know his name and stuff but we aren't friends nor are we strangers...) and he didn't spark conversation either... eventually he walked off and later came back with another classmate he likes to hang out with. which is about when ja commented that he was literally staring at me constantly, she'd apparently watched him staring at me from a distance before he finally came to sit by us. x'DD? so I kept looking up at him every now and then and everytime I did she was right, he was just. staring. at me. well urhm that's... great. what's that, the fourth dude interested in me this year? what is dis. mh was a handful enough and now I'm trying to deal with whatever it is between me and mt. ughhhh. seriously though, I never had a guy look twice at me till after mh. what is up with this. e_e

anywho it's just gonna be slightly awkward every time I see this dude now... I stg if he starts staring at me on a regular basis now... if he's got to do that I hope he at least actually dares approach me too then... staring doesn't get you far my dude. I should know. /rip)

I don't really have much else to say really. there's plenty more I could talk about (my lovely financial situation (': the classwork within the slightly near future I'm dreading, the fact I'm scared stiff that mh is gonna pop up any day now since it's been that month since I texted him and he said he'd be coming, all that fun stuff...) but eh, I'll spare you.

I'm gonna do some shopping before I shower and go to bed I guess, trying to finish assembling my halloween costume. originally I was planning on being one of my oc's but I changed my mind and decided I'm gonna go as the character who's currently my signature and avvie. ^_^ (I really want to change this sig though, sick of it lol, but I realllyyyy like this avatar and don't wanna switch off it.) I decided I wanna go all-out on the costume too and do some things I don't normally do. usually when I do cosplays on halloween I just dye my hair (only dark colors though since my mom keeps talking me out of bleaching it -_-) and then try and be more accurate on the clothing. but alas! this year I have decided to use colored contacts and try out wearing some wigs! I already bought the contacts and now I'm trying to find the right wig. I've never worn a wig before (my mom talked me out of that too, convinced me my hair was too thick to put a wig over the top of, thx mom) but I've been doing some research on them and now I'm really psyched for the idea. I personally hate my hair, think it's my worst feature, so I'm so hyped for the prospect of being able to instantly give myself a whole new hairstyle without actually doing anything permanent to my real hair. yippee, this halloween's gonna be fun.

well I've said plenty. I shall return sometime.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

october 31st, 2019 ♥
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oh man, I've been gone awhile I see. I don't really have a reason for not putting up an entry in over a month, guess I was just lazy, meh lol. I don't think a whole lot has happened really; had fall break in there and went home. also this week has been pretty bad, I've been swamped with assignments and tomorrow I've got a math test, then a "roleplay" in my german class, and on top of that THEN I have to give a 10-minute speech in my other english class. urgh!! I rehearsed my speeches for about an hour till my throat hurt and then I've done quite a bit of studying... still feeling slightly uneasy about it all (math was harddd this section and I'm gonna have to speak really slowly to have my presentation last 10 minutes :') though I also think I'm just going to dig myself a deeper hole if I spend all night re-rehearsing and fretting about the whole thing.

I've continued to hang out with ja and am, I think literally every day I've been on the campus. we've gone places and done assorted things and it's been kinda fun. you-know-who never came to visit, idk if he visited without telling me or if he just decided not to come but... I'm not about to ask. also, mt hasn't said a thing to me in I believe what's going on three weeks. ??? I'm assuming he got swamped with work with it being harvest time of the year. still though. you can't even take the literal two minutes to pull out your phone, read my message and reply? smh. (also, the guy I mentioned in my last entry - he continued to be weird around me like that up until last week. when at choir practice I watched this girl I ever-so-slightly know come up to him and exchange numbers with him. since then every. time. I. see. him. he's with her. so yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and assume they're a thing now. is it bad I'm disappointed/annoyed?) maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone, the thought's begun to cross my mind...

I still haven't gotten together with m, UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. what makes me extremely angry is that even though m can't ever seem to get together with me, I've discovered she has no problem talking to ja. tonight when ja and I went to dinner ja stopped to pick up this bread she'd ordered, except I found out when je, the lady who now has m's old job asked about it, that M BOUGHT THE BREAD FOR JA. and then ja had to go to class so she asked me to take the bread and now she's coming by to pick it up sometime later. ...wow. just wow. nothing like being charged with holding the gift from my mother figure directed to another recipient: specifically the one who used to give me jealousy issues. fun times this is!

...in all serious though, when ja comes round to pick it up, I think I'm actually gonna tell ja to tell m to contact me. I know that's bold (esp. considering I think ja also used to be jealous about how close m and I were) but like. if ja can get through to m then maybe she can get me through as well. I just miss m so much. I still need to tell her about what all went down between mh and I. last she knew we were still good friends, and that was back in early march. ;( (last year, by the way, m offered me to spend thanksgiving with her (to which I half-accepted, I stayed at her house for several days but went home for the actual day of thanksgiving.) if for some reason she were to offer again this year shshs;hkssk sorry everybody at home I've got other reservations.

oh yeah, today's still halloween (so happy halloween ig?) last year's halloween was so-so and this year's was about the same way.. the dining services had their costume contest two days again and sadly I was not a winner this year... ofc I kinda realized my costume barely made me look dressed up, between nobody recognizing who I was and the only thing differentiating me from my everyday wear was the wig, contacts and makeup. :') (those contacts by the way = bad... I tested them out for a whole day a couple weeks ago and they seemed just fine. but after wearing them tuesday my eyes felt all itchy and now today they're looking kinda red... (did not wear them today either) oh boy ><) so yeah my costume felt even less exciting today for some reason as well... I've already changed out of it cause I'm kinda done with the whole thing.

eh, I might do a once-over of my math again real quick and then watch some tv or something before I head off to bed. wonder when ja's going to stop by. she can take her time if she wants, not looking forward to what I have to tell her when she stops by. e_e well, again, happy halloween.

till the next time~
-trexxa
(edit;; just realized this thing now has over 1k views-- I'm sure a fair amount of those are myself but still.. jeez! I hope whoever you all are at least get some entertainment out of the ruin that is my life. :')

[Trexxa]

november 6th, 2019 ♥
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I have made it back here again in a reasonable amount of time. I'm just kinda bored since I haven't got much going on right now lol. last week was terribly evil with all my assignments and now this week... I literally have like nothing to do. there's some math homework due friday but I'm just gonna do it at work tomorrow since there's never much to do at work anyway... I was supposed to have a paper to write tonight but the teacher moved the due date out a week, and... that's pretty much it. so yeah! it's a little boring around here at the moment. (that's ok though. I'll take boring any day over that storm that was last week).

so yes, I survived all my assignments due last friday. they all ended up being kinda so-so... got my math test back today and though it wasn't bad by any means it was still quite a drastic low compared to all my other assignments in that class so far... see, I knew I had an uneasy feeling about it all, eesh. don't have a grade on the other stuff right now, my german "roleplay" I think went alright on my side but my partner was TERRIBLE... it was comparable with the disaster that was mh's presentation back in may. (things might've ended horribly with us, but man, thinking about that day still makes me crack up. X'D edit;; just looked back and saw I actually never talked about it LOL, basically for one of our classes we had to give this persuasive speech and his was the absolute WORST speech ever, he was super disorganized, clearly hadn't rehearsed anything at all, spent half his time trying to decipher what he'd scribbled on his note cards and to top it off he was dressed pretty badly too (as I put it myself, he looked like a "fat dracula" XDD). I got so much second-hand embarrassment when he was giving it I couldn't even look at him or anyone... man does the whole thing make me chuckle now though LOL) anyway, my partner had no idea how to pronounce half his words and occasionally reverted to speaking english, it was all very bad. then my other presentation I think went alright, it was WAY shorter than it should've been (ugh... didn't speak slow enough at all...) but the teacher really seemed enthusiastic about what I had to say and it prompted the "lengthy and fruitful class discussion" per her requirements for a good grade on the rubric, lol. so we'll see about it all I guess.

other than that I don't really have much to say. been having an excessive amount of muse this week though, think I might do some drawing this weekend. also been having a bunch of ideas for the story I'm writing now (I've stuck to writing it every weekend, yay me) which is good, since I've kinda been fearing I might run into burn-out eventually with me constantly thinking/working on it. hopefully I don't though... the story should be complete roughly end of december/january at my current pace.

I've also been thinking about what I want to write after I finish this story. I've got multiple ideas which I'll just place here for my own personal reference (or entertainment for my increasing amount of topic-viewers as of late. lol.)

- the "dystopian horror fantasy" as I've been referring to it as that I started back in 2016. I think I have 7 and a half chapters completed, I've been writing roughly 2 chapters of it a year (oofta I know.) I haven't written much for it this year though I would eventually like to see it through.
- the story for the game project I want to start working on.
- the star wars fanfic idea I've been entertaining for also the past 2 years but never took the time to sit down and actually start. I want it to feature my favorite oc and take place directly in the universe of episode VII. ofc with episode IX coming out december 20th (I can't wait omg.. counting down the days lol) I'm sure that will definitely influence my ideas and perhaps alter how I'd want to write this thing.
- this interesting other story idea I've been entertaining for awhile. while everything else above is either a fanfic or strongly based on something else, this story would be something that is solely my own. basically over the summer I had this idea to write a book about this really quiet and reserved girl (based on myself) who ends up falling for this one guy (based off, well, unless this is your first entry, you-know-who.) the guy ends up pushing her away and rejecting her, though the two are ultimately altered forever by the events that transpired between them. I don't really have ideas on individual chapters for this one like my other ideas, though I do have some cool character appearances in mind. I think it'd be interesting to write this one as my first self-produced storyline. I sort of like to imagine me publishing it and becoming remotely successful with it one day, and then mh walking into a bookstore and picking it up, recognizing it's me as the author, and then realizing with slight horror it's inspired by him. lol. consider it satisfactory payback for all the immense troubles he put me through.... and solid proof of just how much he really influenced and altered my forever.

(I was reading these entries from the start for a bit before starting up this one and wow. I could literally see how things fell apart between us with the passing of time right before my eyes. wish I could've noted it too when I was writing those out. all those cursed wednesdays should've been a solid warning sign. his birthday really was the absolute start of the end, yeesh. my mom's distrust towards him was perhaps one of the earliest signs. I remember complaining about my family so much around this time last year and tbh I'm kind of embarrassed about it now. my problems at home were incredibly minimal compared to some of the stuff I've gone through since then. mh slowly slipping away from me has easily been a hundred times more painful than absolutely anything that ever happened in my family. I really was whining about nothing.)

..anyway. I think I want to go play some sims now. I shall return someday (soon).
(edit;; oh yes, I never did bring the m situation up to ja. ouch.)
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

november 13th, 2019 ♥
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I see it's been pretty much exactly a week since I was last here. I should really be going to take a shower right now so I have time to watch some tv and then be able to go to a bed at a good time but mehh. I feel like typing. xD

feels like it's been a lot longer than a week to say the least. things got kind of crazy after I left off last week... that math homework that I mentioned having to do? well since work was chaos I literally got none of it done there and then I also was signed up to go to an event with ja from 7-10 pm so I had to RUSH to get it done between when I got off work and when we had to leave oml, had to miss supper because of it. I was in a pretty foul mood after that. then I've been doing a lot of piano the past couple days since it's occurred to me that I've got to perform in right about a month for the end of the semester and my piece is still nowhere close... and then today as well as tomorrow I'm intending on cramming a lot of my homework in that's technically not due until monday, since I have various other plans friday evening and I really do like limiting the weekend workload. so tonight I got half of my math done (felt like it went bad though, didn't really get the concept and literally like all the questions were on the same concept =_=) and then tomorrow I really, REALLY hope I have time to do the second half at work so that evening I can just write my paper.

anyway, enough homework talk. there's been a sizeable amount of weird social things in the past few days as well, lol. yesterday at work was just really ??weird?? … basically this lady came to the counter wanting us to print several hundred copies of this poster and she wanted them done NOW. like, within the hour. me and my socially awkward self was like "umm... they might take a little longer than that" but this lady was just not having it at all, ugh. and THEN to make matters worse she wanted some text removed from her poster and she wanted to come BEHIND THE COUNTER into my workspace to show me how to remove it. for some reason my extremely dumb-dumb self was like "oh yes! you can come show me!" and well, that was not a wise move. so then this lady continued to go on and basically tell me how to do my job, like I don't know how to remove some text from a pdf, like I've been hired for. she then continued to ask a million questions about how the printing process works and me and my socially awkward self tried to stitch something together which resulted in her then asking if she could just "run up and down the stairs to collect the posters as they printed" like, ???? … I don't know how but I eventually got her to leave. except she came back AGAIN within like five minutes. =_= she said she was looking for the downstairs entrance, aka down to where we complete the print requests, and I knew that'd be a definite no-no to let her in the employee area, so me and my socially awkward self just kept trying to dodge her question, which resulted in my manager coming out to whisper to me "DON'T let her go downstairs". and like, I really wish my manager would've at this point taken over the situation, but oh no, she just continued to leave me to deal with this woman. thankfully like right after this the lady who works downstairs came up and saved me as I er, possibly threw the woman in her direction. we managed to get her posters down in under the hour after all and she paid and left with them. ugh. (I'd also like to add that I found out afterwards she was apparently part of an organization that's a really big deal. I'll just say after my experience with that woman I'm not too keen on supporting said organization!)

there was also just some really weird stuff going on today as well... my choir had our first major rehearsal today for a big show the college puts on in the wintertime. we all got assigned our own seats for the show and wow I'm really not happy with mine - I'm basically sandwiched in between these two guys and have close to no personal space dividing me from them. =_= I'm also just two seats away from b and ly, those are the nicknames I'm assigning the guy who kept staring at me and the girl whose side he is now constantly attached to. (by the way, he keeps staring at me though?? I thought he was over that but I've been catching him doing it again... yesterday night I was eating with ja and noticed he was sitting like a good twenty feet away. well he happened to see I was there at some point I guess since every time I looked up after that he was watching me. WHYYYY. (and also, I'm reconsidering the idea that him and this girl actually are together now, since I haven't witnessed them doing anything that actually suggests it, and I've caught him referring to her as only a friend. I suppose they could very easily be the next reincarnation of me and mh's relationship. :< if so that's sad and in that case I would hope ly, or b, whichever one of them two is the friendzoned one, doesn't get caught up in the mess I did.) anyway, ly and some other girls were mildly freaking out since it was very near our start time and b was nowhere to be seen, and if you miss just one rehearsal you are out of the performance. finally b showed up though (after we watched him find the front door locked and then continue to dramatically gesture at us before walking round the building to the side entrance, bahahaha) and he said he'd fallen asleep under the beanbags in the chapel basement, like LOL, what even. XDDD apparently he does this on a regular basis as well??? also ly had apparently already been to chapel beforehand looking for him, and she looked around and behind the beanbags, totally missing he was underneath them though. XD it took a lot to suppress laughing at whatever that was LOL. then the guy on my right (who I guess is a friend of b's) basically started going on this talk about religion and I'm not going to repeat what he said, because one of the implications he made was just... REALLY awful and I immediately got really mad when I heard it. but b ended up coming back at him and shutting down his entire argument. thank the stars we have people like b in this world. not that I'm saying b is a wonderful person from what I've witnessed from him, walking in late to class, not doing the assignments, breaking dress codes and whatnot, but at least he doesn't share that closed-minded attitude that some people have. so yay b. (I like, really, REALLY want to pick on him though lol. every time I catch him looking at me I just want to walk on up to him and call him out for it. not in a mean way though, I just really feel like teasing him for it in a lighthearted way. if I wasn't such an antisocial, anxiety-ridden introvert, I would've started pestering him weeks ago lol. maybe one of these days I'll get around to it though.)

welp, it's already been a half an hour since I started this entry. must get to showering so I can get to watching tv so I can get to bed, so I can survive tomorrow. at least then it's friday and then another weekend. wonderful.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

november 28th, 2019 ♥
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again, I have returned.

I should really be asleep right now since I've got to get up somewhat early to leave to my grandparent's house tomorrow but I am just absolutely bursting with energy and need to deposit it somewhere if I'm to get any rest. ...thus I am here to type for awhile. :') so, I am currently home for thanksgiving break right now. technically it already IS thanksgiving now but I'm not counting it as such till the morning! makes me kinda sad to think about it, last year at this time I was just getting back from my stay at m's, and I remember telling my dad how I planned to spend the following year at her place on actual thanksgiving. sadly, well, life changed, and so that's not the case. I haven't spoken to m in what I think is about a month now again, URGHHHH. neither did I say anything to ja ever. honestly I'm about ready to call the whole situation quits. if m approaches me next semester, which I literally have a mega-amount of time we can get together in, and she FINALLY has a SOLID get-together plan, then awesome. otherwise, ...I guess I just have to let her be.

that was a lovely way to start off this post. anyway, the past two weeks have been mehhh. last week was pretty terrible again, with the practices for the show I was literally busy from 9am-7pm every day, with not a single opportunity to even go back to my room. trying to find time to fit homework in on top of that, without it getting late into the evening, was also a yikes. >.< I was lucky and got all my math homework done at work, at least, since my boss had about a million meetings that day and therefore couldn't leave her office to task me with something. haha. (I do feel really bad dodging the work I'm actually getting paid to do LOL, unfortunately that math homework has just got to get done and it's just as high of a priority... !!)

I also met with my advisor as well... we covered a bunch of issues/questions I'd been holding up for awhile. for one I am now a graphic design minor! I'd really been pondering something to minor in since I began, originally I was going to go with psychology but my psych 101 class last winter semester was just such a downer and I found out it requires more math, urgh. but I did have a lot of fun with the graphic design class I took, even though it was a lot of work. and I have found I have used the skills I learned in that class the absolute most of any class so far. not to mention graphic design pays SO well for honestly? a verryyyy minimal amount of work if you have the skill, which, according to my peers anyway, I've got. so yes. graphic design minor, here I go. I also dropped my physics class I decided I wanted out of YAY, so now next semester I'm only going to be in three classes, plus this half-credit "class" I've got to attend once a week in the evening as a requirement for my studying abroad in may. all the classes are exactly at the times I want too, not early in the morning and not late in the afternoon either. I plan on working mostly in the afternoons as well then, since getting up early to go to work three out of the seven days of the week has just felt awful this semester. plus I'm MEGA-hyped for two of those classes, one's a course on fiction writing with my advisor and ja where we're just going to sit and chill and write short stories, and the other's all about abnormal psychology which I've just been so interested in for years. next semester is gonna be awesome!!!! I just need to survive the next three weeks....

oh yes, there was also some drama involving b and ly. during last week I was watching them interact as per usual and they were loudly talking during a great chunk of the rehearsal (-_-), and b was making some less-than-awesome comments. he was complaining about the rehearsals a lot and talking about making some poor choices. I went back to my room that night just thinking a lot about what he'd said and in turn worrying immensely about ly. I definitely got the same vibe from b that evening as I did originally from mh. so thus I was quite nervous what the future would hold for ly. I don't exactly like her a whole lot, but she's still extremely sweet and caring. she in some ways reminds me of an extraverted version of myself from last year, before mh came in and totally messed with my head. I'm pretty positive her and b are doomed to fail, just like I did, if they keep hanging out this much. ..turned out my suspicions were right. and waayy sooner than I thought they'd be. the next rehearsal, b was a no-show. ly seemed kind of off, and finally it was actually my old roommate, before I roomed with l, who confronted her about it. ly told her that last night she, b, and another friend had all been hanging out together, when b made some comment that really, and I mean REALLY struck a chord in both of them. ly's friend apparently left crying and ly was still so angry at b that she went on to rant and pick him apart for the next ten minutes. yikes. I hope ly doesn't just go crawling right back to his side though. mh made tons of poorly chosen comments as well, yet I was so blinded by my admiration of him I always just went back. I hope ly won't follow in my footsteps. I hope she's stronger than that. because I would never wish what happened between mh and I upon her. I want to see her succeed, I really do. I want to see someone overcome what I couldn't. </3

as for b, I dunno what I should think about him anymore... I think I've come to one conclusion though. he is childish. he doesn't think twice before he speaks. he loves to seek attention. he thinks it's fun to put other people down. and you know what? mh had those exact same traits. I've seen them in multiple other guys as well. it seems to be a common personality type. at least in guys around my age. it's kinda sad, really. also makes me realize mh wasn't anything special. there's a bunch of other guys who share his exact string of traits. those traits aren't worth anything good either, and they're certainly not worth my time. if b, or mh, or anyone like that can ever learn to mature, then great. but until then, I should no longer even think to take them seriously.

...anywho. I think I've covered pretty much everything again. I'm just really looking forward to being done with this semester. hhh. just two more weeks of classes once I get back on sunday, with the big show that following weekend. then it's finals week (which honestly I've never found to be that bad as people make it out to be... I've got like one final a day, half my finals are always papers that I've pretty much already gotten done well in advance of that due date, and then since there's no regular class I've got loads of time to study for tests. really it's quite a chill week for me. xD) and then it's OVER and it's time to go see star wars in theatres and then it's christmas. yeee.

just those three weeks left in my way...

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

december 13th, 2019 ♥
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I should make this pretty speedy since I've got class in half an hour (so gotta leave in twenty minutes.) just felt like coming to give a quick update first though since I haven't got much else to do.
so, I've only got less than a week left in my way before this semester's over now. today's the final day of class, and I've just got that terrible british literature class left to attend... I have complained about this one here, yes? the one where the teacher just despises most of what I do and is grading me very badly in participation because I don't speak up enough? -__- she hasn't graded four of my papers yet or the presentation I had to give oml, I wonder if she'll have those for us today or not until the final. gosh she's making me anxious with those though. I've been doing some calculating and as long as those grades on those papers average themselves out to a b, she didn't despise the presentation, and I do really well on the final paper, even with that huge stab that is my 20% participation I should still walk out of this class with a livable grade and her not destroying my gpa. yaaayy. (yikes I am scared for those last few grades though.)

the past two weeks have been fine I guess otherwise. pretty sure I've come down with a cold again today, UGHH. better now I guess though than during the christmas shows last weekend. I feel like those went well... was exhausted by the last one but I had fun. I also really like my choir director, eh, let's call him... 웃♪, (he's kind of well-known so I feel I need to get extra cryptic with him LOL) he wasn't here for my first show last year, don't remember why he was out, if he was traveling or ill or something. so I didn't really get to know him till this year. he's a lot of fun though! he's obviously extremely passionate about his job and his enthusiasm is so contagious, pretty sure he's the reason I'm suddenly so pro-choir this year. haha. I hear a lot of students complain about him since he's really strict but they ought to realize he does that for only good reasons. he wants to make sure that we go out there sounding the absolute best, because he really does care!

besides that, I've got a fair amount to get done this weekend. I've got our yearly christmas party for choir to go to this evening, and then I need to crack down on my final paper for film class. >.< I started work on it last night and found it's way longer and way more time-consuming than I thought it'd be, ughhh. I'm already 6 pages in and only onto the third out of the ten topic she wants us to cover. !!! hopefully I get it all wrapped up tonight though so that's taken care of. I need to go shopping this weekend then, whichever day it's nicer out, since I want to pick up some groceries I can't find back at home/get some presents/maybe treat myself a bit/get fuel before going home, it's been mildly annoying getting that on my way back home with the location of the gas station. -.- then my piano teacher is having our "practice recital" on sunday night, grrr I hate those things. I don't see how they have any benefit at all to my actual piano jury on tuesday, if anything it just makes it more stressful since then I have to go through performing it not once, but twice!!

I have to get up really early for two of my finals on monday and tuesday, blehhh. I'm not too worried about any of them though, I'm feeling fairly confident in what I've learned. then I get to go home on thursday, and then I get to go to star wars on friday, yippee. (I think I need to abandon the internet this weekend though... spoilers are already starting to circulate and I do NOT want to accidentally be greeted by one...) and then, on saturday, I'm going back to work again. at the one job I did end up keeping. I feel kind of meh about that, I know I need the money, and it will be good to see everybody (even though the only person who hasn't quit that I liked is C$, ouch that's sad...) though I'm also annoyed how it's going to consume so much of my break. since I'm not a morning person, working a shift like 10am - 7 pm (which I'm scheduled for) just totally consumes my entire day then. I really hope I end up getting a job I really enjoy and find to be like a hobby, or I'm going to have to take up freelancing I feel. otherwise I know in my working adult life I'm just gonna go crazy if I literally spend my whole entire day at work.

well, I think I've basically covered everything I wanted to. time for me to start getting ready to head out to my last class. I probably won't be back then until I'm into break or possibly into the next semester!

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

january 3rd, 2020 ♥
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it's been awhile again. hard to believe it's a new decade too now, lol. I must say I'm terribly relieved 2019 is in the past now though. 2019 was honestly one of the toughest and worst years I've had in a long while. maybe ever. I'm thankful I can call all of that old news now and just continue on my way.

so. I've been home on break for awhile now. classes start up again in only 3 days, so I leave in 2. finals week ended up going alright. most of it was me waking up really early, stumbling my way to finals, then going to take a nap till the afternoon lol. I didn't exactly feel like my performance was top-notch in most of my things but clearly it must've been all in my head since I ended up still getting awesome grades in everything? even british literature... the final day of class the professor asked us all to fill out a survey asking how she could better improve the class, since even she described the class model as being a "failure". in the survey I went flat-out and explained how hard it was for me to speak up and how frustrating I found it. and well, I guess between that and her overall poor view on how the class went, she decided to go ahead and give me not a D+, not a B, but an A- IN PARTICIPATION, making my final grade as a whole an A-. oml, I just about cried when I opened my gradebook to find that. it truly was a christmas miracle.

speaking of christmas, that was all good. my parents ended up getting me a bunch of surprise gifts (even though I asked for hardly much of anything) that were actually pretty cool. :O as I mentioned I also worked quite a bit... that whole thing was kind of its whole adventure on its own... a majority of the employees changed since I was there over the summer. some I thought were meh, others I connected pretty deeply with. really like the new manager under my section, he seems pretty chill and the other day he brought his daughter in - she was the cutest thing. my last day back was yesterday and I'm glad I'm done though. the job's definitely good, I like (a majority of) the people, I have fun making all the drinks and things. but it just pales in comparison to my enjoyment of my good old college schedule. one which is so much better this next semester, no more getting up early, less classes, still free weekends!!! (although I did get an email from the professor and the syllabus for the one other essential education course I have no choice but to take - not a fan of the way that looks.... she announced she's going to be out of town for the first week so all our assignments are online like wow ok, we have to prep a whole slideshow/mini intro speech and write a four page paper during that time too! -_- also, apparently there's going to be group presentations, and our final is a 20-30 minute presentation. eeeewwww.)

I don't think I've got much else to comment on regarding the past couple weeks. tonight after my mom got home from work she randomly decided to load us up and take us out to eat at my former fast food place of employment over the summer! uh, let's just say the moment I walked through that door I was hit with an extreme sense of awkwardness - both my assistant manager and my manager were there, aaa! I'm pretty sure the manager recognized me and I just tried super hard to avoid staring at him in fear he'd come strike up conversation... meanwhile my mom understood just why I decided to leave there. whew. (was also VERY glad b wasn't there... we are friends on facebook now and a couple months ago he tried to reach out to me again though I didn't talk much in return. watching him continuously profess his love for his girlfriend online is tbh the grossest thing ever... he's obviously blind to how really wicked of a person she actually is. also it's got me realizing just how, um... low, b's intelligence is. don't get me wrong I still think he's a very nice guy. he's just... has his own set of problems, and witnessing so much of that online has kinda made me not want to have to run into him again.)

anyway, as I said in the beginning, I'm glad 2019 is behind me. my resolution for this year? I guess it's to really focus more on myself and learn to get better at letting go. to not only stop holding grudges but to also stop holding on to other lingering feelings as well. I need to accept that... certain people, are behind me. if they don't want to approach me then they've made it clear, and I shouldn't keep desperately holding out for the hope they'll change their mind, since it's most likely never going to happen. I need to stop being so dependent on others and learn to better fend for myself. I need to learn to let go and love me for myself. not for the support of others.

...well, I should probably get ready for bed. tomorrow my mom and I are doing a good deal of shopping as I prepare to go back. and hopefully all is well when I do get back. hopefully my new roommate and I will get along fine. hopefully my financial situation also works itself out, aka my most enormous (and only, yay! ?) fear right now..I have enough stashed away I could help myself along for a little longer, but I also am well-aware of the loan for the trip this may looming over me starting next fall and I REALLY want to make sure I am prepared to take that on. my parents are also being extremely unhelpful with how to handle this... they claim they don't have enough at all to help me out though I'm not a hundred percent sure I take their word... I know I'm probably going to end up taking a loan out on my own, it's very most likely the only way I'm going to pull through till the end, even though I really wish I didn't have to and it could at the very least wait till next year ;_;) hopefully all goes well with the new classes as well, since I have very high hopes for two of them and I'm really hoping they don't get crushed! (oh, ps - the fanfic I've been writing on weekends is nearly done, yay! been pushing it a LOT while I've been home on break to the point I've been writing not only on weekends but every day I have off, bleh. I am so close to the ending now. it should be done by the end of january, though I might continue pushing to get done faster since I do want it out of the way with my fiction writing class. I just don't want to take multiple fictional stories on at once!)

I will be back at some point in time.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

january 21st, 2020 ♥
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...why do I feel like I've made an entry already between the last dated one and now. idk, I must be more tired than I think lol. currently in the process of trying to waste a little bit of time before I decide to retire for the evening (since if I go to bed now uh, I'm going to get too much sleep (that's not something you hear college students say x'D) and that's no good either.

obviously I've been back in a new semester for the past going on three weeks now. so far I feel like this semester's been going good. classes are for the most part really relaxed... either like today I have NO homework whatsoever or I'll randomly have five things all due the same day. I get to sleep in till 10 five out of the seven days of the week, lol. the other two it's 9... still. I must say I am a lot more fond of this schedule than last semester's. it's nice not having to go meet my piano instructor at 8am and go in to work at that time every day either.

classes themselves have been going so far so well I guess? abnormal psychology so far though is proving to be a LOT harder than I anticipated... ughh… had a quiz last week and I got a 7/10 on it. would've been a 9/10 if I hadn't gotten those two terms mixed up, grr. had our first test on monday too... I counted and there were 10 out of the test's 40 questions I was uncertain about. if I've got all 10 of those wrong, that's a C. o_o umm, hopefully that's not the case.... hoping it'll get easier once we get out of this history, treatment models and brain structure section and into the actual disorders. all these terms are just too similar and confusing... besides that class the others feel alright. I'm probably enjoying fiction writing the most. the first day the teacher laid out a bunch of tips and tricks, to which I realized I was already following almost all of them LOL. I've been practicing writing for so long I almost feel like the class is a little behind me... I've already self-taught myself a good amount of this. x'D I must say taking it with ja has become almost a little annoying though. she likes to poke me with her pencil while we're there sitting in lecture and the other day she went on some comment about how I'm such a "weirdo" after I did some reading out loud in class. to which the teacher laughed at, as well as a good portion of the class. yeah thanks ja, thanks for stepping on my already fragile self-esteem levels. it takes me a LOT of courage to raise my hand in class and I've been doing it more in this class than I've often gone in a full semester... now I'm brought back to square one by being afraid of ja's comments. -_- we got into some drama outside of class too, though I already wrote a "letter" about that, so I won't brood on it anymore. I think things are slightly better between us again today now. slightly.

also, there's my roommate now. things have been fine between us I guess. we don't really talk much, heh... heh. she goes to bed at 10 and gets up at 5, so we run on some very different schedules. I've started to adapt really well to her shutting the lights out at 10 though lol. I know I need to finish anything I need/want to do that requires a decent amount of light before the clock hits 10. also sitting in the dark really makes me quite tired (as it is now) so this past week I've been going to bed before midnight a lot. uhh, not so good if I continue to sleep in till 10 though, ha ha… ha. (I've found that about 8.5 hours is the ideal amount of sleep for me. less than that I'm tired all day. more than that I'm tired all day. >.<)

I've also been hanging out with e (did I mention her at all?? we'd get together like once a month last semester and we were planning on rooming together) and then her two friends on the weekends. it sounds pretty certain like we're all going to room together next year, in the place I've been desperate to live in since last year, heck YEAH. so um, I've been trying to be as social/as nice as possible to these people so this'll work out. x'D am I little sad? possibly.

I must say though, this past week I've been feeling really good about myself. I feel like my life's finally starting to fall together. I've established a nice schedule as of late, going to classes, getting homework done at work or in the early evening, then proceeding to work on my own personal projects till... lights out hour (xD). I've been doing a heavy amount of writing for both fiction writing and then wrapping up my story. this weekend I enter the climax of that piece, and february 1 is the target finish date, omg. it just blows my mind how far I've come with this thing... mind you it is just fanfiction, but it's still the first piece I will have completed, the first piece I've published for the eyes of the internet to read, and the first piece I've put this much attention to detail into. I've spent the past several days in a row working on some cover art for the piece to replace the sad little edited screenshot thing I quickly whipped together, lol. I'm a traditional artist at heart and knew to make it look its best I have to do it digitally, so I came up with a weird solution for that. I first drew out the whole cover on paper, photographed it, put that in photoshop and traced the whole thing lol. began work on coloring for it this evening. thinking it looks really good so far for me not really having a clue how digital art works. x'D need to watch a tutorial or two on how to make "shiny" and glowing effects... otherwise I think I'm all set to go with this. hopefully the finished project turns out good so I can proudly put it over my book.
as I began this paragraph off though, I do feel like things are coming together. I feel like... I've found my calling. taking fiction writing class has really shown me that yes, I do love to write, very much, and I never want to lose that. I'm having a great time writing stories for that class, then coming back to write more of my own personal stuff, while also drawing on the side. I love all this artsy, fiction stuff. all the things people like to label you a "nerd" for. (things I think we all secretly like to sit down and enjoy in our free time though... so we really shouldn't label and shame others for doing the same.) I want to do more than just observe other people's stories, and artistic pieces though. I want to create my own. this is what I live for. creating characters, expressing their personalities and lives through art and language, playing with them and marveling at them on games. I want this to be more than just a private hobby. this isn't just something I'm going to grow out of, or something I want to live out on the side. I want this to be my focus. I want to bring what I have to the rest of the world. this is my life, this is who I was meant to be. little, asocial, creative and talented me.

I should go to sleep now before this sitting in the dark puts me to bed. till the next time.
-trexxa