. // THE INSOMNIAC'S CALENDAR. )

[sinensys]

sometimes i wonder if there is a god - or i wondered if there was a god. back then i was too foolish to see the truth; there are multiple gods, but not in the same sense that we as human beings are used to recognising. they are very, very different.

we demand gods which are perfect. that, or they have very obvious flaws: anger, narcissism, altruism, jealousy, and the like. we create ideals, and we mould our idols to match it. some of these idols are gods, some are ordinary humans, and some are in-between. we don't care what they are so long as they fit to follow the petty rules of our game, our universe. we create stupid laws and created stupid ideas on what we think is good or bad or helpful or harmful. state firmly that bacteria, parasites, viruses are harmful via connotations, but we create exceptions with a lesser sentence - now it is prison time and not a death sentence.

peculiar. truly interesting.

one of the biggest exceptions we make (barring our own petty existences ha) is in what we believe: sometimes there is a god, sometimes there are multiple, sometimes gods are absurd, and sometimes gods are merely an illusion, an idea made to explain the unexplainable and/or to satiate our minds and sedate us. but we mould their existence to our convenience. when we try to make a point to someone else who is impressionable, we say they're real, when we strike someone down we claim that they're ridiculous and out of their mind. but what are they really? do they even have minds? do we?

no, these gods were not there when mankind was created. i don't know if any were, and i don't know if mankind was created forcefully, moved by some other lulling force and snapped into existence. but the ones that are at play today are recent; they've only been around the past century or so, i personally think. but despite their relatively young ages, they've had fun - take note of all the wars that have happened in the past century and how warfare in general has changed.

it is not we that are in control.

we think that we're in control when we denounce our gods - any gods, real or fictitious - but really we're just following what they want us to believe, which is that we're in control. we're not really - they are - but they are willing to taint that idea and not remain this pure idol for us to praise and look up to. no, they want more; they're bored with the way things were supposed to roll out and they decided to take earth into their own hands. so now they shake up the grounds, mess around in the sandbox and try out new methods. that explains the absurdity of our world as we try to explain it in our own words, which is impossible because this universe is no longer definable by the confines of our basic understanding.

no, this universe is changing, it's adapting to fit the mould of these gods.

maybe this is a new generation of gods, born in the 90s or early 2000s, and they're learning from past generations: the 20th century was big, will they make it bigger? will they draw on from the 19th and 18th centuries or will they go deeper and look from more natural massacres, like in the 12th through 17th centuries?

are they even supernatural? how can you contact them? they understand english, but can we understand them when they speak?

i don't understand
what's happening what's happened to our world how do i go back

[sinensys]

red. red. red. red. red. red. red.
that little light on its temple is red again.
what do we do? how do we make it blue again?

it's angry.
that little led light is an angry red, screaming its lungs out silently.
red red red. it's angry. i'm angry.
what are we mad about?

it's sad, too.
why?
does it not understand that there are more important things to worry about?
things more pressing than a silly inability to hold onto things?
get real.

go find something better to do.

[sinensys]

i wear a snakeskin scarf
around my neck and sometimes face
its scales are gleaming and translucent,
and so i often wear another scarf to hide
the one no one else sees
is the scarf my own creation or someone else's trap?

[sinensys]

irony.

a rigid thing that hits you, unrelenting. something that, when thrown at you, can and will knock the wind out of you. it is a heavy mass, immeasurably heavy and unyielding.

it does not taste of iron - it tastes of copper.

[sinensys]

a small virus is introduced to the city. it is small - immeasurably small, as all viruses should be, manmade or not. it creeps in quietly and begins its conquest of a sullen or cheery people, a people of contradictions and cycles. it begins as an ivy infects the baobab tree, a grandiose but also crooked and bumby thing. it starts out small, infecting one person, occupying a nation of peace, unprepared for guerrilla warfare.

and so one person is slowly transformed: the bones become reinforced with steel, the blood becomes a mere coolant, and the brain is slowly replaced with circuitry.

then it spreads.

but what happens when it reaches me, a machine in the body of a human? do i unlock emotions or am i stripped of my free will?

[sinensys]

circuitry. circuitry as far as the eye can see - and it would be twenty miles as the crow flies above the desolate wasteland of wires and cogs and circuit boards.

for miles i hike, shouting for help, shouting at the crow above me. i treated this crow like a friend, but now i am sick of our game. i don't want to be left here to starve or to lose myself and cannibalised the remains of my brethren, feasting on the files and data on the rotting circuit boards and on the festering wires.

pleasedontleavemehereiwanttogobacktothewaythingswere

[sinensys]

behold, the glorious land of cults,
land of subdivisions!
do not get lost in this surreal tumult,
for they discriminate against no admissions!

behold this magnificent land of walls
whose sole purpose is to separate!
you cannot deny or silence any calls,
for they will only subjugate!

behold this fantastic land of greed,
upose whose silence they will feast,
for as long as there's a "they," there's creed
- and with it comes the beast!

behold this tarried and broken promise,
a threat against injustice!
for now no option truly is
a pact against the violence.

behold this land of cults,
a nation split by trenches.
and like no man's land - filled with bullets -
will this day forth be mentioned.
with reverence and tears alike
we will fear our own deaths.
but one day, it should arrive,
that fear of some greater mess.

so behold our land of cults,
whose sole belief is "categories"
for when arrives that calamitous tumult
should also arrive our worries.

and when that day will truly come,
i will beg you not to worry.
for there is no use but to be dumb
and pretend to ignore their fury.

so behold that land of cults,
that desired evil that we crave.
for this nation is is strictly cults -
and not a single "free" or "brave"

[sinensys]

oh this cursed, cursed land with its distraught or hungry parasites. this nation is a patchwork beast, held together by mere strings, ready to snap at a moment's notice.

-

[sinensys]

my father's m1 garand
lies vacant in its tomb.
its history most powerful in the land
but for what and to whom?

my father's m1 garand:
a weapon that took and took;
under the guise of being unmanned
a tool that kills with one look.

my father's m1 garand,
a symbol of all that was.
a glimpse of history so grand
but the illusion's not fortuna's.

my father's m1 garand -
my father's most precious thing.
for many had fought on scorchéd land
marked by fires and guns they'd bring.

my father's m1 garand
will never see the light:
he's never given a command
to rise and die and fight.

so instead until we're dead
he will treasure that simple thought
of distant times or distant lives
to keep him always distraught.

and so my father's m1 garand
lies vacant in its tomb.
it hides away for most its days
but resurfaces in times of gloom.

[sinensys]

how long have we been dreaming? it's been a long time since we've felt the soft droplets of the sun, of the moon. it's been a long, long time since we've last known how it feels to dip your toes in the wind as you swim through the trees. now we remain here, trapped in the confines of our limited imagination - trapped in the confines of our universe, which we both bore and were born into. we created this, and we created the idea that this is a place of rules which we study according to laws and rules that we ourselves placed. we reject certain principles, and thus those principles vanish. we reject people who dare question those sacred laws which we imparted on this limited planet; we ridicule the, denounce them, call them quantum theorists or fanatics. we cast away those who do not fit the mould which we also created.

how long have i been dreaming? when was the last time i spoke honestly? when was the last time i was able to touch someone and not be uncomfortable? when was the last time i was confident in my thoughts?

and most importantly, will i ever be able to do those things in my life?