❛ the lazy writers ❜ V2

[Ranger of the North]

Sorry to butt in here, but I'd really appreciate some critique on a story I'm working on for a competition. The thing that's bugging me is the first paragraph; it doesn't have that.. um, how do I describe this? that oomph that really impacts the reader. My goal is to make it clear just how much Francis has changed, and she doesn't feel emotion after the tragedy. I have to keep the first sentence, for it's the prompt. I'd just really like some critique and suggestions on how to make this more impactful. I'm also trying to make it interesting by weaving first and third person (the old Francis, and her changed self), does it flow? Get what I mean?

Here's the paragraph:

Looking in the mirror, I barely recognised the person staring back. The scars alone set my former self and her worlds apart. But it was the eyes that divided us completely. Those eyes… they used to be so bright, so real. Now they were grey, barren wastelands. No life, no emotion. Honestly, it was a tragedy caused by a tragedy. These eyes didn’t shed a single tear though, after all, they possessed no emotion.

Oh, by the way: does 'reverend' require a capital?

Oh, that's really cool! You should show us the rest of the short-story when you're done, if you can! This is good! (also welcome along and watch out for carrots!) Look's like Dev's given you pretty sound advice, so I'll just sit here and quietly agree with him/her

~snip~

@Ranger

...did someone say birds
I'm going to go check that out, right now. Birds are the best.

~snip~

Yes. Yes, I most definitely did. And yes. Yes, they most definitely are. <33


@Wildcat Hey, welcome back! c: And those sounds cool! Good luck with them! c:

[Yubel Fated]

Sorry to butt in here, but I'd really appreciate some critique on a story I'm working on for a competition. The thing that's bugging me is the first paragraph; it doesn't have that.. um, how do I describe this? that oomph that really impacts the reader. My goal is to make it clear just how much Francis has changed, and she doesn't feel emotion after the tragedy. I have to keep the first sentence, for it's the prompt. I'd just really like some critique and suggestions on how to make this more impactful. I'm also trying to make it interesting by weaving first and third person (the old Francis, and her changed self), does it flow? Get what I mean?

Here's the paragraph:

Looking in the mirror, I barely recognised the person staring back. The scars alone set my former self and her worlds apart. But it was the eyes that divided us completely. Those eyes… they used to be so bright, so real. Now they were grey, barren wastelands. No life, no emotion. Honestly, it was a tragedy caused by a tragedy. These eyes didn’t shed a single tear though, after all, they possessed no emotion.

Oh, by the way: does 'reverend' require a capital?

I'll just sit back here with North and quietly agree too.... and then instantly agree with North as well as I'd love to see a short story. What was the tragedy? What in the world happened to get to this point?? How in Arceus' name did Francis change?? Though I love the comparison between her eyes and a barren wasteland.

Reading back I noticed the word "scars" are they physical scars you can see with the naked eye or scars that are more mental? Or both? Has she become so numb??? Unfunny Nickleback joke was unfunny.

...... I actually had to look up the word Reverend and all I can find are things about churches.... I'm so confused.

[! honeysuckle !]

So... I've used the advice and added some stuff, do you think that the second is an improvement? Still looking for critique

1. (original)

Looking in the mirror, I barely recognised the person staring back. The scars alone set my former self and her worlds apart. But it was the eyes that divided us completely. Those eyes… they used to be so bright, so real. Now they were grey, barren wastelands. No life, no emotion. Honestly, it was a tragedy caused by a tragedy. These eyes didn’t shed a single tear though, after all, they possessed no emotion.

2. (new)

Looking in the mirror, I barely recognised the person staring back. The prominent scars alone set my former self and her worlds apart, but it was the eyes that divided us completely. Those eyes… they used to be so bright, so real. Now they were grey, desolate, barren wastelands. No life, no emotion. Honestly, it was a tragedy caused by a tragedy. These eyes didn’t shed a single tear though. After all, they possessed no emotion.

Oh, by the way, does anyone want to be a judge for my writing comp?

[sparrow;]

@tuttifrutti000:
I definitely think the second one is better. It flows better and the little bit of extra description explains more without making it too long c:

[Ranger of the North]

Yeah, I think the second is definitely an improvement! c: I think you could remove the 'prominent' part of 'prominent scars', though? It just seems that little bit needless to me, since if they're noticeable then they must be prominent (;
HOWEVER! That could be my personal preferences clashing with yours, so do what you want

[! honeysuckle !]

Yeah, I think the second is definitely an improvement! c: I think you could remove the 'prominent' part of 'prominent scars', though? It just seems that little bit needless to me, since if they're noticeable then they must be prominent (;
HOWEVER! That could be my personal preferences clashing with yours, so do what you want

Thanks for the advice, but I think I'll keep 'prominent'(:

[Ranger of the North]

Yeah, I think the second is definitely an improvement! c: I think you could remove the 'prominent' part of 'prominent scars', though? It just seems that little bit needless to me, since if they're noticeable then they must be prominent (;
HOWEVER! That could be my personal preferences clashing with yours, so do what you want

Thanks for the advice, but I think I'll keep 'prominent'(:

Oki doki, fair enough! *thumbs-up*

[passione]

Guess who's doing Nanowrimo this year!

I have the basic storyline all figured out, now I just need to further develop some characters and fill some plot holes.
If anyone has done Nanowrimo before, what's a good amount to write each day for a first-time participant?
I've asked my friend who's also joining and she told me to write 7k, whereas another friend suggested 2k.

[TheSongOfTheStars]

It tells you the exact amount you need to write per day to reach 50k, it's something like 1,765? You can of course write more or less, but the daily goal seems pretty okay for me at least, even though it's a challenge.

[Silver Pandorica]

Guys. You'll never believe it.

I ACTUALLY WROTE ANOTHER CHAPTER!!!!!
I've been having such a dry spell lately and haven't really written anything in weeks, and then ya know what? I sat down today and pumped out another entire chapter! I'm sooooo happy!

Although, to those who've been wanting to know what happens, I ****probably**** won't be posting it online anymore. I've been kind of freaking out about it getting stolen...NOT by you guys!! But by some random thief on Wattpad That is a horrible fear of mine, especially because I've put so much work into it. So, sorry @Ranger and anyone else who was reading, heh ^^' If I ever get it published, I'll let ya know!
but...if you still wanna read it, ranger, i can send it to you through pm ;w;

Oh yeah, here's some relatable writing memes. *chucks them at everyone*
x x x x x