*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[Felis_Tyria]

Living a Life of Liesoff site link

It's a good story, but it moves really fast and it doesn't really give much as to why the characters are running. THey are like "Oh my favorite character! I'm going to run away from them and yell no." It would help if you gave us more into what they are thinking, and a little of a before the mess history (because everyone not involved with the role-play is lost in that aspect.) Also, I understand wanting to change view points to give a clearer view of whats going on, but either switch between like two people, or only switch it every chapter. It makes it a lot easier on the reader.
But there is a base for a good story here, just make sure to give us more detail. Detail and character process are wonderful things, even if it's characters most people already know. It's the journey of how this story changes them essentially that is interesting for them to read.
Also, when there is a new speaker, new paragraph. This just lets the reader know what's going on before they reach the end of the sentence (i.e. less confusing)
Keep it up! I would like to see the revisions and the further chapters!

Thanks, I understand and it's actually quite hard to covert the two without it going ascew, I mean, more than it is, I'm trying to get it to a good part, I suppose.. Thanks!

No problem! And remember, it's ok for it to go askew and trail away from the 'originals' as long as your piece is all together with in itself. And it's the build up to the 'good part' that makes ti great! (I have the same problem though. That's the reason I can't do long stories ^-^)

That one I PMed you a while ago, I kinda just... Stopped it... I have an issue with book stuff and it seems I'm bad a poetry.. Soo... Short story time.

[Cadin Araceli]

I'm sure you'll find what you like best and be a great writer! That's all you can hope or at least ^-^

[Cadin Araceli]

Insomnia

I agree with the others, there is no spot where you got carried away at all! From beginning to end, it all flows together and fits, giving us enough in the beginning to want to know more, and plenty of detail we are able to form a picture, with out the detail being the only thing we end up getting to read. Wonderful job! Creepy and original! A hard combo to come by now a days.
One thing bugs me though. Why did the things disappear? There seems to be to connect between that and the shadow. Just that they happened in a somewhat similar time zone. That and the person waking up in places he is sure he didn't fall asleep in. Would it be possible for you to tie that in more for the reader? Or is it just…what happened?
Again, great write! Wonderful job!

[Emo_Angel]

Unfinished, Unnamed, and not for sensitive People...

Sparkling grey
Brilliant silver against her wrist
Faint glistening luster
Devoid of bliss

Transparent crystals
Trail from beautiful glossed eyes
Gazing down at scars
laid upon thighs

Continue? Critique?

[Fenric]

Not to be rude or impatient, but you still haven't reviewed my last post
I understand you're busy and all, and that the last one was rather bad, but I would like some tips and also some reassurance that I'm not being ignored

thank you, and sorry for bothering you

[Cadin Araceli]

I have been rather busy, and I still have pm'd works to read. So it will be a while but TaneTane, not that it was rude for you to ask at all (I understand), but I have reviewed your last work. There is a link to it on the first page ^-^ but here is the link for your convince:
viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1961219&start=90#p64173277
I shall work harder to get to everyone else in this next week. If you see no progress, pm me until I responded. Serious. I've been slacking!
I hope you are all having a wonderful day though ^-^

[Emo_Angel]

Just a short poem I thought of...

Don't need love
Don't need life
Don't want pain
Don't want strife

Don't need happy endings
Just need sleep
Cause sorrow can't plague
The dreams I keep <3

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

-Eyes of fire.

Burning eyes so fierce and strong,
Wondering if you truly belong.
Lonely eyes so cold and harmful,
Killing people by the armful.

Tired eyes so lost and wild,
Memory and imagination defiled.
Angry eyes so harsh and cruel,
Will ye challenge thee to a duel?

Challenging eyes so victorious and bold,
But dramatic events slowly unfold.
Fearful eyes so sudden and true,
Skin slowly turns blue.

Pale eyes so dreary and dead,
Sword embedded in thy head.
Dead eyes so empty and cold,
Brave warrior's story will be forever told.

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

{{Not to be rude but my previous post was almost two months ago. I havent recieved a critique on it yet. I know you are most likely busy but it would be nice to have someone critique it at least once in a while...}}

[Dreamers Heart]

Apocalypse



It has been all most a hundred years since world war 3. Cities that once stood high and proud now lay in crumbles and silence. A deadly gas made by the government clings heavily in the air. The day is hotter then hot Jamie looked out at the ruins below her. She looked over at her team of scavengers she had hand picked them all. The saddest thing was they all were just barely twenty. Jamie looked back at their target she had two hours before the oxygen pills would wear off. She had to hand it to Hera the younger woman was smart and creative. The sun got her attention back to the present she signaled that it was time to move. Then as if of one mind the group stood and made their way into the city quiet as cats. They all had to be careful this city had once been home to the world largest zoo and now the animals were out. They all had changed the neuro-toxin in the air had not killed them but gifted them with unusual intelligence, speed,and last but not least a blood lust for humans. On an occasion or two there had been regular beasts those were to be left alone.However the mutated ones were killed on site the only difference between the two is their fur color. The infected animals had a green tint to their fur and red eyes gave them away.Her team all so keep their eyes open for P.E.T.S.( Patrol Evacuee Termination Squad). These robots were designed to kill evacuees so as not to spread the rabidness that the toxin had caused in a fourth of the population.She heard a metallic sound that made her look up and around she saw not a soul so she moved her squad on ward. They soon came to the warehouse that still held food and seeds they needed.She noticed the lock undone what would she find inside? She reached for the handle and slowly turned it a creek and squeak came from her effort. Slowly with her gun drawn did she open the door she peeked inside with one eye. On the ground not twenty feet was a figure curled up on the floor. She slowly inched closer it became very human and alive. When she reached the sleeping form she nudged them. then she yes Jamie was sure now she woke up babbling in a Strange alien tongue. Now it seemed aliens finally have come to earth what will happen next?

Jame had asked her the same questions over and over but the strange alien girl looked at her mutely. Jamie watched her purple black eye dart around then over her. Jamie just let it go she had no idea if this aliens homeworld practiced a different set of standards and morals. As she watch the strange lightly orange skin woman she suddenly held her head and passed out. Jamie managed to catch her before her head hit the solid floor that's when she noticed faint black lines on her skin. When Jamie looked closer they seemed close to the markings of a tiger. She slowly lifted the woman who is rather light and was about to move her when she noticed blood. Jamie froze and called Weaver over she handed the small alien woman over and got a better look. What Jamie saw defied her belief for a second there next to a bloody patch on the floor was a tail that was the same color and had the same markings. Jamie felt sick for a second as her stomach flopped. She soon controlled the urge to throw up but it fought back hard for a time. Then her stomach was quiet she looked at weaver pale "Well now we at least know why she fainted." she said to her.
Weaver glanced at the tail giving her a sick look "Yeah if I had lost something like that I would pass out to." She said shaking her head. Jamie all most smirked watching the tight red curls of her head bounce around. It looked hilarious for her best assassin to have short, curly red hair that bounced.Then she caught the look on Weavers face and quickly masked her amusement.
"So what now we can't just leaver here to die." Jamie said leaning against the building wall looking at her strange new guest. "What will we do now?" seemed to be the question on every ones mind.