by dogbrain » Sat Mar 24, 2018 10:38 am
some of these thought are mismatched, but i need to get them off my chest and out of my mind so they don't hurt anymore.
my depression comes in waves. it happens, i get overflooded, then they go away after i use a coping strategy or sleep it away. rinse and repeat every day or every other day. come to the day i go to my psychiatrist, haven't had depression for a few days, no anxiety or anything, and then i forget that i was even majorly depressed last weekend. i feel like i am lying to her. sometimes, deep in my mind i know i was depressed, but i don't want to tell her that because everytime i go to her, my mom says "get it two months" because that is when i am feeling fine and i don't need med changes or anything. my mother assumes everything is all right? or she just forgets the times that i do feel depressed, we usually talk about it when it gets really bad. then, there are the bouts of emotionless-ness i go through. usually when i am at school, observing other people. even when i am around my boyfriend and the strings of numbness are attached to me, i only feel like crying. especially if he is happy and getting along with everyone. i simply rest my head on his shoulder and try to pretend i am just sleepy. i honestly can't tell if i am lying about being sleepy or not, i can't tell anymore if it's depression or tiredness. i probably make it out to be tiredness, but sometimes it feels like my emotions wither away and all that is left is depression, sadness, and no motivation to do anything.
there are times when i get a single thought across my mind. it wonders what happens after you die. then, the boiling tar of anxiety attacks my ribcage... "what would happen if i were to ______?" then, the constant fear of death plagues my mind for about a minute. then, i shush those thoughts away. the leafblower thought: "hey, hey, no, let's no think about that now. everyone loves you and everyone needs you in their life."
i constantly feel as if i am lying to everyone who cares about me, "are you fine?" "yes, just a little tired." am i really tired? or am i just depressed. you know, i drink coffee till it's dark out. all the feelings i get are anxiety and depression, so i must not be tired at all? i still don't know, i can't understand it at all.
when the anxiety is so bad, when my boyfriend is absent from lunch, i don't get up to eat anything. thousands of eyes, they make my ribcage ache, those dirty looks total strangers give me! when i get extra lunch and they give me the look, "where does someone like you put all that?" "why do you eat so much?" "are you bulimic?" "are you anorexic?" "you need to put some meat on your bones!" "don't you eat?" those are all looks!
sitting down to write or draw. trying not to look on deviantart and find artists who are my age and can draw masterpieces. then, here i am thinking i can make my own, original ideas. only to read something later and see that is no longer my own or an original idea. why do i even bother with art? it's not a good career... nobody wants my art? or is it that i price it so cheap, they assume it to be garbage? or, when i do price it the way they say to, i get told it's garbage and not worth anything! cool, so happy they love my art. not like i want to practice paying bills or buying food to feed my boyfriend and i. i actually like to cook and would rather not eat ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner every dang day.
am i really dehydrated or just depressed? am i crying too much? is that why? i swear, i fill a whole gatorade-sized bottle with water and drink about 2 and a half of those everyday while i am at school. maybe the school's water is not hydrating enough? the school's milk isn't cold half the time, so maybe i can drink that. get extra milk too. why don't i just buy all the dang liquids? i pee a lot. but my pee is still yellow and smells like pee? that means i am dehydrated? and sometimes, my kidneys hurt. but, can i really feel my kidneys? are they just cramps? is it my appendix? i wonder what that feels like. is my mind just making things up? to be really paranoid?
i love my boyfriend so much. i really do. we have been together for two years. we addressed both our concerns many times, reassured each other about the same thing at least a hundred times! there is no need to worry, right? hah, no. his exes love me, am i sure they won't steal him? they have their own boyfriends, so they wouldn't do that? does he still have feelings for them? would he ever cheat on me? why would he do that? i don't know, but let's make up a thought and cry about it! should we tell him our feelings? or should we just let him guess and then get mad at him for no dang reason! misunderstood him? oh, well let's jump to conclusions anyway. sad over nothing? well, let's make up a dang thought to complain about. does he really love me? is he just using me? we have gone to the prom, we have gone to the dances, he's bought me things, we sleep together on occasion, we've witnessed each other's sickness and bodily functions. he doesn't love me, does he? how could he love me anyway? right? i am ugly, i am too skinny, i have body hair, i am too clingy, my parents are overprotective, his exes are prettier than me, there are girls who are prettier and have better personalities, i am nothing compared to some, i have been rejected by boys who i thought had good personalities, boys i once thought to be just my friends, then when they wanted more than that i didn't reciprocate their feelings and then when they backed off i became attached, then they blamed me for wanting something I couldn't have. they made me cry and then called me crazy or that i drove them crazy, even though i was struggling so much to fit in and be calm. i tried too hard and i acted weird, i drew them so many pictures, wrote them notes. i guess i was being so clingy? but, my boyfriend loves it all. all that i do for him. i did that for other boys, but they didn't appreciate it. or, they did appreciate it then took advantage of my trust, played with my mind, but i am the one that played them? right?
i guess i am done relaying my feelings...
Wolfie ♡ | she/they | infp+t
