Dear schoolmates;
I know you've been doing it for years. I constantly hear from him how you've always made fun of him, and for what? Because he's different? Because he doesn't act like you, or talk like you? Maybe he's tolerated it, but now I'm around, and I'm his friend, and I'm not gonna put up with it, because I know him. I know what an awesome person he is, and obviously you can't, because you won't get off his case. I'm not going to take it, and I wish you would stop. I hear everything you say about him, and about me, and about the two of us, and I hate it. When I hear the things you say, I could just strangle you.
Your classmate who is sick and tired of you all,
.Holli.
For that awesome friend of mine,
I just wanted to thank you...for everything you've done for me. When I started school this year, I knew literally nothing about it, or the people, and I was completely alone. Then there was you. I'd known you before, and you'd known me, but not like we know each other now. You were the first one to say hello to me that first day of school, the first one to welcome me and be my friend. But you're not just a friend to me. You're the first real friend I've had. You're someone I know I can trust. You're the one person who has been able to bring me out of the darkness that has been hanging over me my whole life. You're the one person who can always make me smile. After all I went through last year, I thought for sure I would never be the same, and perhaps I was right. I'll admit I've changed, and for the better. And it's because you've been there for me that I am who I have become. I can look at myself and like who I see now, and I've never been able to do that before. And it's all because of you, you who makes me realize just how much I really do matter, even if no one else thinks so. I'm so happy to have you in my life. I don't know how I ever got along without you, and I can't begin to imagine being without you. Whenever I get a text message from you, every time I see you at school in the morning, just whenever we meet, my heart smiles, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Every moment we've spent together and every moment to come, I want to remember. Because that's just how it is for me when it comes to you.
But now...
Now we have that threat hanging over both our heads. It doesn't make any sense to me. It's not right, not in the least. Why does everything hang in the balance of some stupid grade? It won't matter in the long run, we both know. But threatening to split us apart, for who knows how long? That kills me, especially since getting that good grade is so difficult for everyone. I don't want to think about what will happen if that bad grade slams you in the face again...I don't want either of us to suffer that pain. Never able to see you again outside of school? No. No no no. I can't do it. I just can't go through that heartbreak, not again. And I don't want you to have to feel that horrible pain, because it hurts. It hurts so bad, I know. And you mean so much to me...I can't see you go through that. Maybe I say I can't feel pain, but that...the kind of pain that breaks your heart? I've done that before, and barely made it through. You brought me back, practically from the dead. I won't make it through next time, and I don't know how well you'll take it, either. And how will we be able to bring each other back if we can't even see each other? We share a few classes, yes, but that's hardly sufficient.
It just...isn't fair. If that threat is carried out, it's going to crush me, and you too, I'll bet. I don't want to lose you. It's bad enough over school breaks like this one, where you're gone and you can't text or call. Looks like a lonely holiday for me. But don't you dare worry, just enjoy your time with your family. I'll be okay, because at least for now I can look forward to seeing you again soon. I'll miss you, maybe even more than you realize, but I'll be okay, I promise. Just know that I'll be thinking of you every minute until I get to see you again, and maybe I can hope that you're thinking of me, waiting for this nightmare to be over.
And one last thing. Don't listen to them. To our schoolmates. Every time they talk to you like that, just ignore them. You can't let them get to you. They don't realize just how much those words can hurt, or maybe they do and just don't care. But you can't listen to them. You have to remember that I'm still here for you, and I'm always gonna be. Think about that. About me. About all the great times you've had, with me or not. About what wonderful times you're going to have in the future, whether it involves me or not.
The one who wants to be a special part of your life,
.Holli.
Dear self;
Everything you just wrote. Right there, above this. Read it once in a while. The last paragraph. Because you're not just giving him a speech, you're giving yourself one, and you know it. It's good advice. You need to take it. You need to think about how there's always going to be someone you can count on, to trust with everything you treasure. There's gonna be times when you feel as alone as you did that first day at school. And you know how that turned out. It's turned out to be one of the best things of your life. Why? Because someone stepped in. Shined light on your day. Brought you out of that darkness. Gave you a reason to live your life right. There's always gonna be that someone, and maybe it's gonna be him, and maybe it's gonna be someone else. I know you hope it's gonna be him, and I can't blame you. Maybe it's crazy, but for you, everything is crazy.
I'm not letting you off the hook. You've got something you always wanted but never had before. Happiness. Feels pretty good, huh? Yeah, I realize that he's the reason behind it. I know that's why you're writing this now, when you never had the nerve. But you can't let his being gone throw you back into that darkness, because I know you never want to go back there again.
Go read that paragraph again. Then come back.
Read it? That's good. Keep reading.
You've got to keep going, Holli. That light shines just for you. You have to keep moving forward. You don't want to go backwards anymore. No. Just no. You need to get out of this tunnel, this tunnel that holds you back with all those painful memories. But you can't let them drag you down. You've got to get to that light, because it's the only thing that will chase that pain away. It's going to be a long, hard journey, but you're strong. You'll make it. And if he's what makes you strong, think of him. Think of the wonderful memories you've shared with him, all the laughter, all the smiles, all the good times. Think of everything you could do someday. Think of how beautiful your life could turn out to be. Just don't let the pain hold you back. Not anymore. Never again. Be strong, and keep pushing toward that light. It'll save you.
Your own self who should push you this hard more often,
.Holli.
A note to everyone,
I'm really sorry for making this so long...I just needed to get it all out. I'm sorry.
.Holli.