- ”but this is how it is”
- .. it felt like only yesterday I made your memorial post last year. I mean, I guess I still have two more days, however I’m already in such a bad rut I know as soon as the day hits I won’t be able to write this.
It’s funny to think I spent years chasing you, my best friend. You were right in front of me but so far away. Right by my side but miles and miles away at the same time. At least, that’s how it felt. It’s going on year three and I just got the note you wrote me. I never knew you felt the same. All this time I thought it was unrequited and that we were ‘just friends’ in your eyes. I mean, I had hope. Of course I did. Every lovesick kid as hope that, maybe, in some deep chasm of that persons heart, that person feels for you too. But I never expected you to genuinely feel for me the way I felt for you. All those years I chased after you only to find you were running by my side after a shadow of me. We were both just so oblivious.
I still miss you. I always will miss you. And I will always love you. My love for you hasn’t faded in the slightest. It just hurts that I was never able to confess my love to you before your soul left this earth. There’s so much I want to tell you, so much I want to confess. I want to pour my heart out and let it all rein free. I just want to hold your hand again and feel your warmth. I still remember whenever I was nervous or scared you would hold my hand or just stand closer to me so I could feel your warmth radiate off you and absorb into my skin.I would give up anything to feel that again.
I know I’ve said it before, but I do need to move on. And I’ve said this so many times. But I’ve learned something. I’m not going to move on, I’m going to move forward whilst holding your memory in the forefront of my mind. I love you, I’ve always loved you and I will never stop loving you. As a friend, a lover, a partner, and more. I know deep down you were my soulmate. My other half. Ever since you passed I’ve felt like a chunk of me is missing. As if it was buried with you. But I’m learning to heal, although slowly I am learning.
Although I love you, I have opened my heart more now. Sure I’ve ‘dated’ in the past, but it was more so me forcing myself to move on. I realize that now, I didn’t then. But it’s different now. I’m not dating anyone, I have no real interest in dating or any romantic things like that. At least, I haven’t since you passed. All those feelings left with you. But I’ve felt something recently. Nothing huge, it’s not like I’m going to be dating anyone. But it seems my heart is opening a little and starting to let someone in no matter how I’ve tried to punch and force them away out of fear. They don’t know about you yet, they’re asleep in call with me know and I can hear their occasional movement. I want to open up and tell them about you, but I don’t want to scare them off.
Also, you know how you always said you wanted to be a doctor? I’m a medical assistant now, well I’m in training. I’m in veterinary school to be a vet tech, but once I graduate in December I’m going back to school to be a nurse. I don’t think I’m cut out to be a doctor or a surgeon like you, but you’ve inspired me to help people. Both the help people like you and to help carry on your dream. Realistically, I know you aren’t here to be aware of any of this. But the thought of picking up where you left off motivated me more than anything else. I’m working 4 days a week and going to school 4 days to make this happen. It’s stressful, but it’s what has to be done. Just wait til I graduate and bring you my diploma.
P.S.
I still have Greyson. I no longer hold him every night, but he sits on my reading chair and watches over me at night. Everytime I see him he reminds me of you, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. Now he feels more like a connection between us. Like you watch over me through his eyes. I promise I’ll continue to keep him safe for you. He will be with me until I’m no longer here to watch over him.
I want to keep writing, there’s so much more I want to say to you. But it’s currently 3:16 am. I have work in a few hours and I should’ve been to bed forever ago. Rest easy friend, you will forever be missed. 3-27-02 - 6-5-20
