[coppercanary]

i feel sick. physically sick.
looking through my trades i found one from him, back when we were really close. a gift. a small gesture of appreciation for me being myself. back when he wasn't bad, when he was nice, when i didnt have to worry about him. now i cant even escape him in my dreams. hes always there.
every time i think about him i cant help but miss him,, just a little, or sometimes a lot. i miss our closeness. the way we could chat and i wouldn't have to worry if i said the wrong thing, because it felt like i could say the wrong thing around him and it would still be the right thing. that's what i miss.
but along with that came the bad. and thats why i feel sick about it. all the things he did, and not just to me. all the times he did things and i sat there, trying my best to make him happy, because that was all i thought mattered. slowly he stopped caring about my troubles and we talked about his more and more often. he wouldn't even say good morning or a kind greeting of any sort to me before going on to talk about how me missed his parents or his carer was horrible or how i didnt understand, ignoring me when i said i did.
i asked him to change. i dont know whether he tried. the kind words never lasted more than a few days, a week at most.
it broke me.

if it wasnt for a couple of people who contacted me about him i might still be there. that thought scares me, no matter how much i think about what would happen if i tried to talk to him again i wish i could call them friends, but anxiety never let me talk to either of them often.

im,,, really sorry if you read through all that
it got longer than i expected
i just. needed somewhere to vent and i always feel really self conscious going into discord server vent channels h ah