🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶 ＡＳＴＥＲＩ 🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶
username; trans
name; asteri
gender; female
pronouns; she/her
orientation; pansexual
theme song; die anywhere else (cover) - night in the woods
moodboard; link
asteri's main trait is her passive nature. she isnt one to get into fights, and if she can avoid it, she doesnt confront anyone even if they've wronged her. for this reason, many call her a pushover and take advantage of her unwillingness to start a fight. she tries not to let it get to her too much, but she sometimes finds it difficult to ignore, especially when its coupled with the name calling. however, she can be firm when she truly wants to be, and there are definitely occasions where she's been known to lash out when someone has tried to take advantage of her.
asteri is also, despite her appearance, pretty big into aliens and cryptids and the supernatural if she says so herself. her favorite cryptid is the flatwoods monster, though mothman is a close second for her. she's got tons and tons of shirts depicting monsters of all kinds in her closet, and she still has her old ufo radar (which never worked, but she liked to think it did when she was little).
asteri had a pretty okay childhood, and as a result, is a pretty mellow and laid back individual. she's got her own flair of course, and her true personality, the one underneath all the layers she puts up, has its moments for sure, but overall most just know her as the reliable friend and the trustworthy kid in class who was probably the teacher's pet in seventh grade.
astera is absolutely horrible with dates and time, and often mixes them up or confuses them or forgets about them entirely. she's also usually a few minutes late to work, but she tries to her best to work on it and be more on time.
asteri struggles a lot with anxiety, and though she doesnt show it, has difficulty going through her day to day life because of it. she's basically got the whole package, not to mention being paranoid and dependent, which just makes her mental health even more of an obstacle course to work through and around. most days she can handle it, but on the days she cant, she usually just stays home and watches nature documentaries.
asteri herself was a pretty quiet kid, and she seemed to take after her mother in that regard. her mother was a very anxiety-ridden person who rarely left the house, and her father was quiet and tired almost constantly. as a result, asteri took it upon herself to take care of her parents and the house as she grew older, eventually taking care of most of the work to be done around the house. she didnt have many friends, didnt really have the opportunities to make any, and as a result she felt very alone for a long time. this loneliness would grow into bitterness and resentment, but also guilt for feeling that way towards her parents.
even so, asteri's relationship with her parents, because of that, is still somewhat strained. she feels like she never got to have a proper childhood, and she sometimes feels like she was robbed of something she didnt even know she had. she didnt get to experience all the things other kids and teenagers and even adults talk about doing, and most of her teen years werent the "best years of her life" so much as they were the worst years of her life.
dislikes: most neon colors, tiny font, hard to read text, the concept of "fine print," most tea, biscuits, chips that are too salty, dirty shoes, mud, tornadoes and most other natural disasters, bees and wasps, make up, long nails, messy hair (on herself), big ugly fonts that take up most of the page, piercings (for herself), tattoos (for herself), hair that's too long or too short, when her food is touching, when several foods are mixed together (ex. salad and shepherd's pie), her clothes getting wet when she didnt want them to be, other people mixing their laundry with hers
hobbies: asteri found a hobby in photography, and currently takes classes for it alongside her art and regular classes. she finds it beautiful how much you can say with just a picture, and she's always experimenting with new styles and different ways to photograph things. she finds it fascinating how much you can know about someone with just their photo, and she frequently tests it out on her surroundings. she never photographs other people without permission though.
quirks: bites her nails, paces, hums, tugs on her ears, fiddles with her sleeves and scarf, plays with the puffballs at the end of her winter hat, sings in the shower (if she's alone), counts things in her head and out loud.
aspirations/dreams/goals: asteri's biggest dream is being a zoologist one day, though she finds it's a dream that requires a lot of time. she doesnt rush it, but she's excited for the part where she actually gets to work with animals. right now, she's at school for it, but it's a slow, slow process until she gets to the point she wants to be at. asteri also has an acute interest in writing books, and in her spare time, writes small drabbles and poems to keep her writing skills sharp. she never shows anyone her works, and she prefers to keep the whole idea of her wanting to be a writer a secret. she isnt too keen on sharing too many details about herself to begin with, but she rather not have people ask her "if she's serious about being a zoologist when she's sitting around writing fairy tales."
favorite place to be: her favorite place to be is the roller rink. ever since she was little, asteri has always been fascinated by skating; be it ice skating, skateboarding, or rollerskating, she loved them all. however, as she grew older, she grew more and more attached to rollerskating. her parents often took her there to watch the skaters race around the track, and when competitions were around, they would always somehow scrounge up the money to buy the tickets to take her. for a large portion of her childhood, asteri had been dedicated to learning how to skate, and even tried out for the local team once when she was younger. although rejected, the event only hardened her resolve to work harder and achieve her goals, whatever they may be in the future. she's since lost interest in it, but she still thinks about the what if's from time to time.
on the side, asteri works as a waitress for a local restaurant that caters to the night crowds. this works extremely well with her daytime-focused schedule, as she's very busy during the day and usually only has any free time in the evenings and nights. it also pays her well enough, and while not nearly enough to pay off her student loans anytime soon, she figures a head start is better than nothing at all in the long term.
asteri's small interest in writing has also become a job of sorts for her. while she's usually adamant about not cheating, she'll usually write peoples essays and papers and such for them if they really want her to or a situation came up and they genuinely couldnt write it in time. of course, she doesnt usually do it for free, because she has bills to pay and a looming student loan over her head. thankfully, that doesnt turn many people away. although kind of sketchy, she appreciates having a backup plan if she ever loses her main source of income.
asteri doesnt own any kind of vehicle herself, but she does have a bicycle she uses to get around for the time being. occasionally, if she absolutely needs a car, she'll borrow one from a friend, but most of the time she can do without. she much prefers using her bicycle anyway; it's cleaner and better for the earth, and she's rather passionate about that kind of thing. even if she had the money to afford a vehicle, she probably wouldnt get one.
asteri, nor her parents, went outside much, and generally were pretty secretive of their affairs and business. her father was the most open of the three of them, sometimes going over to chat with neighbors if he saw them while he was home or inviting them over for dinner. sometimes, the other kids in the neighborhood would come to their house to play, but they always stayed downstairs. asteri didnt mind, as she didnt like other people in her room, but did find that it was a little lonely even with so many people around.
asteri often spent most of her time in her room or in the garden as a child, too shy to approach anyone, and too afraid her attempts would not be well-received or reciprocated if she managed to work up the courage to try. she took more to animals, preferring their company over people and finding solace in their inability to mock or make fun of her, and just listen for once on what she had to say.
asteri became well-acquainted with books and text documents, spending hours reading them while she hid away from the world. she engrossed herself in a quest for knowledge that while she didnt necessarily care for, she found helped her think less about the weight of the world and more about enjoying life as best she could. her time in the upper areas of the house would increase as time went on, which worried her parents, but asteri couldnt have bothered to care when she finally found a relief from the constant pressure on her shoulders.
school wasnt something she liked particularly, and from an early age, she had been enrolled in an online homeschooling program so she wouldnt have to go to public school. this set her apart from others her age who went to "normal school", and asteri frequently found herself torn between the safety of comfort of homeschooling versus the desire to fit in and belong at a public school. she never discussed her troubles with anyone aside from writing about it a few times in her diary, but eventually buried the feelings and kept up with homeschooling.
asteri grew more mature than the other kids her age and held a job when she was very young. most wouldnt hire her, but a little couple who'd just moved in took pity and allowed her to test the waters at their little diner. she wasnt the best, but she wasnt the worst either, and she didnt have to work as a cashier or talk to people much since she mainly handled things that went on in the back. her parents were proud of her for growing up, but she never could get the bitter taste out of her mouth when they said that.
asteri's mother is a bit of a mystery to asteri, and they dont agree on many things, but she wouldnt trade her mother for anything. she values her mother's opinions and experience greatly, and usually listens to any wisdom her mother has to offer. they dont always get along, but when they do, they're an unstoppable force and you dont want to get in their way.
jermimah is one of asteri's aunts, and is completely estranged to asteri. they rarely talk, and when they do, their conversations are passive-aggressive or outright insulting. asteri has no time for her aunt's overbearing personality and rude remarks about her parents, so she doesnt put up with her aunt and makes it very clear she's not interested in talking to her.
nora is one of asteri's closest friends and a trusted confidant. nora is a sun bear, and a bit younger than asteri, but when they're around each other they act more like sisters. asteri trusts nora completely, and doesnt want to imagine how her life might've been without her. nora is also usually the one to help asteri when she has trouble with her anxiety, which only strengthens their bond.
writing; ↴
light streams through the big window in the attic, lighting up the dark area somewhat. you look up from your book and mark the page with your thumb while you stare outside.
the sun is extra bright today, and you kind of wish it'd tone down for a bit, because it's kind of hurting your eyes.
there's kids outside playing in the street too. they're noisy, and laughing, and you wish you could join them but..
you're too afraid to leave this room, truth be told.
you dont want to run into anyone and have to answer questions, or get distracted from your task, or get asked to do something and have people watch you, or—
calm, asteri. what did that counselor lady at school use to say? count to three? or was it six?
you cant remember, but you go to nine just for good measure (3+6=9). you dont feel much different, but you know that it's based more power of mind than anything. at least, if you think it hard enough, it'll happen. thats what people tell you, at least. you arent sure you believe them.
nothing these things they tell you to do actually work, but what does work is what your mom says to do and what you feel like you need to do.
you breathe in and out, no specific amount of times, and you try to think of calm things, like rain sounds and river noises, and you try to imagine yourself as a pretty princess waiting for a pretty someone to rescue you instead of a regular girl with more issues than she can count on her fingers.
you feel much better when you open your eyes again, and you silently fond the page in your book and go back to reading quietly, the prospect of going outside forgotten and ignored.
you never really liked the heat anyway.
the tick-tocking of the clock rings loudly in your ears, and you feel your heart thump in your chest. the quiet thrum makes you anxious, because what if something's wrong with you and that's why you can hear it?
you fiddle with the lace on your dress to busy yourself, staring at your shoes like they're the most interesting thing in the world. your heart feels heavy in your chest, and breathing feels awkward, like there's sludge in your chest slowing you down.
you feel so alone despite other people being in the room, and you want to cry because it feels hard to breathe even when it isnt.
you're so lost in your thoughts, everything around you blurs, the world is a bleak, meaningless canvas of gray, and nothing seems to matter. your head hurts, your eyes hurt, and you just want to go home.
you wish you could make the gray go away. you also wish you could melt right into the gray and not have to think so much anymore.
you count the forks like you count numbers on your fingers before you set them on the table, and you do the same with the spoons and knives. you double and triple check to make sure you didnt make a mistake, then place three cups at the table too. you add three plates on top of three mats and then you sit on one chair among three.
you eat your toast in silence, the crunch of the bread the only sound your mind bothers to pay attention to while you eat.
no one's home but you again, and you'd like to say you dont mind, but you do.
it's scary without anyone else in the house, and the looming pressure of something bad happening keeps you on edge, keeps you afraid, keeps you anxious and terrified and the home phone you've been carrying around for the past three hours sits delicately next to your cup of orange juice.
you consider calling, but realize you dont remember your parent's phone number. it wouldnt matter if you did, you think, because you wouldnt be able to talk once they answered. if they answered.
when you finish your toast, you bring the plate to the sink, and then sit back down at the table and decide to wait. you rest your head on your arm, pushed against the table covered in a soft cloth, and try to forget about your insecurities and worries long enough to take a small nap until your parents come home.
you hope they come back soon.
you're freaking out, and you think it shows. it's testing time, and you're off the rails with anxiety. the teachers at the testing place kept looking at you, so you kept your head down so you wouldnt have to meet their gaze.
your palms are sweaty and you arent sure whether to cry or try to keep calm while you fill in bubbles with graphite.
your chest is tight, has been the entire time, and you just want to get out of here and go home. hushed whispers that arent about you in all likeliness make you think they really are about you, the occasional glance from people you dont know terrifies you, and you got called up twice only to be told the wrong name was called or they forgot they called you. it was embarrassing, and you did end up crying a little after that.
you're really trying not to cry right now, but you cant shake the feeling. you're going to fail this test, you're going to get a bad grade, your parents wont be proud of you, no one's going to be proud of you, they'll read your grade off aloud and everyone will laugh, someone will push you or trip you when you go up to the front for a pencil--
stop. stop, just stop. breathe. breathe breathe breathe. think.
okay..
okay.
you're. you're fine. you can do this. just.
breathe.
