[LauraK]

but in the end at least it saves you the breaking~

Nyehh, that is what happens when I listen to songssss
Seriously though -- theres this one song I am completely obsessed with; I've listened to it on repeat like the past three days and I'm still not tired of it. Usually when this happens (well, not when I become this obsessed with a song, this hasnt happened before; just kind of in general when I find a song I love and it moves me emotionally), I end up thinking -- a lot.
I drew Mimi again because she is just me, there's no way around it.
For instance, in English today we were assigned to write a poem that's meaning is obvious to yourself, but open for interpretation to others. we read a poem that was written by our teacher and it nearly brought me to tears.
I'm just so damn emotional.
I'm just so damn delusional.
I walk outside and lean on my railing and think "where are you?" to no one, someone I can see crystaline clear in my mind, imagining them wandering up and calling my name, saying they've finally found me and that they've been searching -- for me.
I sit on my room in the wee hours of the morning, trying to sort out my thoughts and end up doubled over and unable to breathe and clammy hands shaking. Then I ask myself "whats wrong with you?"
I'm back on my porch, furry in my lungs and heart, "where are you? where are you?" begging for a face to materialize; then faltering in my thoughts, reconsidering the reality and fear in this, wondering, "what is wrong with you?"
Now I'm scared. Curled up in a tight ball and trembling and crying over the fear of losing myself, but somewhere near the surface just willing it to come so I can finally be me and be happy. Then my partner shaking me vigerously by the shoulders, screaming my own words in my face; do you see the pattern?
Well, no, you dont. I dont. I dont care to try to organize it anymore. I get my hopes up, thinking "finally, finally, finally" only to have the next moment to drag me to the bottom again, where I curse myself and plead with Him to recruit me. When silence fills my heart, what do I do? Nothing. I sit dumbfound and numb, wondering where He's gone. Wondering if He is there at all.
Empty.
Then sparked within seconds in the time of things, my faith is revived in an act He imposed, that He planted into my life for this very moment. It helps. It helps me rise to my feet and limp back to comfy sheets and nod into sleep. But it never lasts.
Greed. I am greed. I can never gain enough happiness, feeling and convincing myself I've already drowned. But have I? Or is it this person, this body-suit, I've glued to my skin the one who's really dead?
This entire thing skewerd severely from my original intent, but I just needed to get it out. Sorry to muddle the boards with my thougths; they're not the brightest...