[Vazchu]

This was something I started to draw in early December 2013, to get my feelings out... But I never finished it, because I at first lost the need to do it in the end of December... And then when this year came around... I should have finished it, because I needed to get those feelings out... But I couldn't bring myself to do it. And now I'm here, and it's finally finished... I will leave you with the words I intended to post along with this picture way back when I started with it... But I can't tell you what I feel right now; because I truly don't know.

Journal entry written December 12th, 2013

November 4th; that was the day I knew everything that I had ever known would end… But it didn’t, for some reason I did not end back then. I kept on walking, telling myself that I could live through it all, that I had survived worse things in the past. I have survived in hell and came out fully alive, so why should November 4th be any different? Only giving up on everything would be my step into hell.

That was my first mistake and another step closer to the edge.

I kept on living as if nothing was wrong, pretending and believing a better day would come. I forgot all about the darkness that still dwells inside my soul. The darkness that was born so long ago when I for the first time came to learn what a miserably world this is… The darkness that ever since has lurked within and tried to make me break whenever it saw a chance to do so. Even though I at times noticed my own mistake of trying to survive; I pretended not to notice. Because giving up was the easy way out and I ain’t weak or scared enough to take the easy path. I decided that I wanted to go down fighting for my beliefs and goals.

It turns out that I couldn't keep going like so for as long as I thought that I could; and only when it was too late to turn around I realized my own mistake. This time there’s no turning back, there’s no second try. I am lost and have lost the will to fight against it; I’ve lost all reasons to be a part of this world.
I’m sick of carrying this vague façade, I may be a pretty darn good actor; but that does not mean I like it. This hell has turned me into a liar and I tell more lies than truth even if I’m not speaking at all. I can’t escape this now; I hate what this world has turned me into.

My own decisions was what made me blindly take one step too long, I’ve fallen from that cliff so close to the sky and fallen into a pitch black hole of darkness.

November 4th should have been my dead end, my game over; if it had turned out as I had hoped, I could have gone out with a real smile over my lips and wouldn’t have had to suffer again.

Now I can only pretend as if nothing is wrong, carrying it all deep inside. I don’t wish to let anyone else know what this world has turned me into… I refuse to be a burden, I refuse to share my pain with anyone; I’ve been carrying it alone for so long and I shall keep carrying it even if it traps me within this darkness. But then again, I cannot help but to think deep within my core… “I wish that someone someday could see right through my acting, see me when I break and let all those buried feelings out. I am not as strong as those around me believe; in fact, I’m probably the weakest person you’ll ever meet.”

My “dead end-flag” has been shown, and here I am; I still breathe. I live but at the same time I don’t – because I’m dead inside and only my body is living while my mind has died.

助けて

And now I tell myself...

Lullaby

Well I know the feeling of finding yourself stuck on a ledge.
And there ain't no healing from cutting yourself with the jagged edge.
I'm telling you that it's never that bad,
take it from somehow who's been where you're at.
Laid out on the floor and you're not sure you can take this anymore.

So just give it one more try, to a lullaby,
and turn this up on the radio.
If you can hear me now, I'm reaching out,
to let you know that you're not alone.
And you can't tell, I'm scared as hell,
'cause I can't get you on the telephone.
So just close your eyes...
Honey, here comes a lullaby,
Your very own lullaby.

Please let me take you out of the darkness and into the light,
'cause I have faith in you, that you're gonna make it through another night.
Stop thinking about the easy way out,
There's no need to go and blow the candle out.
Because you're not done, you're far too young.
And the best is yet to come.

Well, everybody's hit the bottom, and everybody's been forgotten.
When everybody's tired of being alone, yeah, everybody's been abandoned.
And left a little empty handed, so if you're out there barely hanging on.

And having that song played over and over again. Is the best cure of all. Along with trapping myself in movies, animes and mangas. And I do think that the text up there no longer is what I feel, even though it can become me again; if the wrong thing were to happen again right here and now.

Shinimi (the black one) and Maeko (the white one) belongs to me. ©