by Taako » Mon Nov 10, 2014 4:55 pm
Dear ______,
Hey, hey there. Remember when we said "sisters to the end"? When we said that we would be lifelong friends? Together through thick and thin? Yeah... I remember, too. I also remember wiping away your tears, saving your life (literally), and catching you when you fell. You know what else I remember? Trusting you enough to let you in. Opening up. And getting shut down for being "too sad". Remember when I was perfectly fine? When my smiles were always honest? I don't. They haven't been for over four years, and you didn't know me well enough back then. But I'm a fantastic liar. I can fake the best smile, even get it to reach my eyes, and nobody will know that it is anything but genuine. What about that time I stood with you instead of the girl who introduced us? What of the time I helped you get through your family issues? Your other issues? How about when I tolerated you using my shoulder and never reciprocating? I helped you with so much, and you know it. Yet, now that you have a real smile, and a great therapist, and better friends who are prettier and laugh more, I'm left in the dust. Cast aside like what I truly became to you: dead weight. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe I wasn't becoming sadder, just that I was being more honest with you? No, it didn't occur to you. I've lost so much that I should know better by now.
Well, guess what? When I contacted you, and you said you still wanted to be friends, I felt a bit better. Yet, you haven't acknowledged me since then. But, don't worry. I know better now. I know to always have that smile up. I know that I should no longer let anyone in. If I don't tell them anything, then my secrets will remain safe. Nobody has to know about how I really feel; if I say I'm doing great, and they don't know who I truly am, then they have no reason to not believe me. Nobody needs to know how much I truly relate to some music. Is it wrong to lie with your eyes? Because I'm going to do that for as long as I live, since I've become so great at it.
I'm glad you left before I could really open up to you. Before I could spill my secrets out. I didn't even tell the people I trusted most them, ever, and I never will. That's what diaries are for.
Enjoy your life. Please, forget about me. It'll be best for both of us, and maybe then I can't ever hurt you again. If everyone stays away from me, I'll be fine. I won't have the chance to open up. I really wish I could tell E. about everything, but I'm not going to. She's a genuinely happy person, and I can see it in her eyes. In the way she carries herself. I'm not going to be the one to ruin that for her.
Stay away from me. Please. Can't you see how much it hurts me to not be able to hug you? Don't you see the light slowly fading from my eyes? Oh, that's right, you can't. Nobody can. I still love you, and I always will. Even through the pain you've caused me, I always have. Au revoir, mon petit chou.