Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[gull.]

My love,

You are truly my best, best friend. I think of you so much every day. Everything reminds me of you, you're the first person I want to message when anything happens to me. Whether that be something funny, scary, sad, or frustrating. I love you so much that you feel like an extension of me. You're interlaced with my own being. Wrapped and intertwined through my ribcage, around my lungs and heart, threaded through even the smallest, most miniscule of my veins. You're my entire world.

I feel guilty about it sometimes. That I'm too young to be this in love with someone, that I've let myself become too attached. And people have told me before that it's just because you're my first love, first relationship. But I can't help but think, if this was puppy love, wouldn't it have worn off by now? We'll have been together 3 years in October, and every year I find myself feeling more in love. Sometimes I let myself go down the wormhole of 'what if' and I hate when I do that, because I imagine how we'd go about things if we broke up, and not to sound cliche, but the thought breaks me every time. We've said we'll always be each other's best friend, but part of me thinks I wouldn't make good on that promise. That I'd be in far too much pain to stay by your side if I wasn't able to hold you and kiss you and fall asleep next to you every night. I want to be your best friend forever, but I also want to be your lover forever.

It's just hard, when you've never been in love before, to not believe the people who say it won't last. I can't bring myself to ever tell you this in full, because I don't want to scare you off. But please, never fall in love again.

[fuzzyfurball1]

Dear K,

There's a lot I never said to you, even after we met again and I had the chance for closure. I had so much bubbling inside me waiting to burst out, and yet all I could peep was my forgiveness to you; Looking back on it, I wish I didn't say anything at all. You really didn't deserve my forgiveness as there's so much I still don't forgive you for, you never even answered when I asked if you hated me during that conversation. Something tells me that it was probably for a reason. I don't really blame you for not telling me. We both did horrible things to each other when we were friends, even as lovers. I don't know if I'll ever fully heal, I knew you for so long and I had so much trust that I just believed it was all normal.

I was so young to feel every ounce of love I had fade away from my body; its a feeling I never knew before and one I hope I never feel again. I still really don't understand how you felt it necessary to message me that you had already had a new crush after 2 days of me being gone. 2... Days... Was it worth it? It hurt so bad inside that I got really sick short after (Common cold or something like that), I had nothing to do but lay in bed all day, catching up on reading books and staring out the window thinking of you. I still don't get why, instead of respecting my wishes of me not being comfortable with you telling our friend that you'd like to kiss them and that you love them as a "joke" you started to scream and whine about me being toxic and controlling. (You started dating them as soon as we broke up. I really cant believe you found me that stupid that you thought I'd believe there wasn't anything going on while we were together. I think that hurts more than what happened :') )

Love hasn't really been the same since you left, romantic or not. I feel very alone all the time, and I don't really know how to communicate well. I'm like a hollow shell of my former self. I constantly fear the worst from others around me and as of late I don't truly feel much emotion. Lovers just come and go without much of a thought, and my friends drift away from me more and more by the day. I yearn for a connection like I remembered us having, even if I knew deep down that it wasn't real. It never was real, despite me boasting to everyone else about how good we had it. I never talked about the countless nights I spent alone, weeping. Simply because you decided it'd be a great idea to disappear for days on end (multiple times) with no explanation. I still don't know how I never saw all the danger signs; I've always been so blind and trusting like that.

I truly wonder if you still even think of me, or what we had. I think I remember my version of you more than I remember you; All it takes is a bit of talking to bring it all back, though. I often wonder if I'd never spoken up about how you treated me, if we'd still be friends, I really do blame myself for that. I always wonder if you would've changed, although I doubt it. You just fled at the slightest of criticism, with no intention of apologizing to anyone else you hurt or changing your ways for them. Except for me, you apologized to me. At first it felt special. Maybe you really did care... But everyone else said it was probably because I was the easiest one to give an apology to. Because I always forgive so easily, it hurt... It REALLY hurt hearing that. Because it was true, I knew your apology was shallow. You only gave it after being forced to, so I didn't accept it when you gave it to me. There's still just one thing I wanna know. Something you never answered. Something I wished you'd be honest about...

...Do you hate me?

[mcr]

dear a,


it's been whaaat...three months er something since you left
but even still i cannot get you off my mind! i know youre scared, i wish our lives werent like this. sometimes i cant even do things er play certain games because they make me too sad since they remind me of ya. it makes my head hurt and it makes me feel a little empty, like a part of me is out of place or simply not there. i hope we can talk again to each other one day, i wanted to be there for ya. we have had our ups and downs, but even then i forgave you. please come back soon, youre really one of my dearest friends. i hope youre safe, even though youve closed off. i hope you know that regardless of the situation i am always here. but this sounds a little selfish ^__^ i want to know youre still here

- your dearest friend

[crashedOut]

v -
8 months today!! i honestly dont know how to express how i feel!! ive been pushed away by others for little reasons for so long that having you stick around with me for all this time feels surreal. youve done so much for me to make sure that im comfortable and happy that i honestly think youre a saint with the patience you have haha. i wish i werent such a cowardly sap that i could just say this to you directly, but honestly i think it'd be better not to word vomit at you lest both of our brains explode. either way, point is, im so glad youre still here. i love you, can't wait to celebrate 1 year with you. i hope you never leave my side. <3

your one and only,
xyn

mom -
please actually listen to us when we tell you to do something. you keep saying you dont need help but you repeatedly guilt trip us using your body being weak as ammo to get us to do even the tiniest things that you can absolutely do yourself, ignore me after over 12 attempts to ask you to please talk to me later rather than now because i need to focus, and when someone tells you you did something wrong you push the blame on someone else or throw a bunch of excuses. it's tiring and mentally draining. neither of us like you, and j didn't either, yet somehow we're the problem even though we're actually begging and pleading for a psychiatrist meanwhile you sit here and micromanage everyone. the two friends i have that have had to deal with you for an extended period of time both think you're extremely annoying and controlling. sorry your nice mother facade doesn't last for more than 5 minutes.

your wannabe independent adult child,
xyn

[honeycat;]

Ever,

my sweet baby girl. i'm a day late but better late than never, yesterday was your day! rainbow baby day. and you are my rainbow, the most special little one. i love you so so much. i always will.
i'm so sorry i'm not there. i'm sorry i didn't get to say goodbye. your little brother needed help, though. i know it must be hard on you. it's certainly torn me apart. but daddy's secretly not so secretly your favorite anyway, right? 😂 he takes great care of you and i'm sure you're okay and happy having him. i hope to be home in a few months, which seems like awhile i know, i may even miss your first birthday. but it's all for baby brother, who i know you'll be obsessed with when you meet him.
speaking of, little Venture. please stay. please stay safe, and grow how you should and join us here earth side. you've been such a fighter, i'm already so proud of you my son. i really hope we get to meet you, i can already tell you'll grow into a fantastic person with how you act already. it's been such a relief feeling and seeing you kick and move 24/7. you're definitely our most active baby. maybe you keep me up at night, but i rather it be you than it be my anxiety over you. i'll fight for you always. please stay.
i'm so proud to be your mom, you two.

[manhunt]

dear x

i have a crush on you
and we're literally married

[_Human_]

(Enjoy the late night ramblings of me 2 months ago)

The Fall

I thought I was picking my pieces back up, I thought I had finally moved on from one of the biggest hurts in my life, but when I needed you most you were there again, and just like the first time I fell. Except this time something was different. Things felt different, but a good different. And just like before it was as if the ground opened up and swallowed me whole because I was falling for you fast and hard. The way my hand fits so perfectly in yours, the way our lips lock like two puzzle pieces. The way your brown eyes shimmered in the sun light and get that glint of mischief as you think of thinks you want to do to your project car, or the next problem you’d yet to come across. All pieces that fell into place like dominos tipping over by some uncontrollable force, I found myself giggling at work like a school girl, I found myself seeing you in the things that had always reminded me of you, I found myself falling for you. The way you’d pull me close in your sleep, and hold me tight as if you were scared I’d vanish into thin air, the way when I looked at you I could stair at you for hours, or the way that when I heard your voice I felt at home and knew no matter what happened I was safe. All like marbles rolling down a hill after being dropped from a bag, an unstoppable force. But even with everything being out of my control, and unstoppable, I was okay with this. Because I knew I loved you. I knew that no matter what happened I just want your happiness and I’ll gladly enjoy the fall.

[Lex.]

Dear x,
I'm so glad I left. I now realize how you really are. Fake. Everything is fine until it rubs you the wrong way. And because you hold all the cards and control all the pawns, everything moves in your favor. All of your cronies and lackeys succumbing at your feet. It's almost like you needed to compensate for something. It's almost like you needed to control this aspect of life because in the real world you are nothing. I never made it personal until the last moment. But when things get personal, I drop it. Why involve myself in your mess simply because you have a grudge? I had a good laugh at your antics. I hope one day you will too.

Goodbye.
Good riddance.

[NecroBroth]

Dear L,

You mean the world to me. I've been having a really tough time lately, but just having you in my life again has somehow managed to make this one of the best times I've ever experienced. It's silly because I shouldn't be this happy and chill with everything. I definitely realize that. Yet here I am, up at midnight thinking about you with a smile on my face. I know you know all of this already-- I've told you a thousand times, but I truly appreciate you. I love you more than anyone else and I don't know what I'd do without you. I love every moment that you spend with me. I'm honestly so surprised that after all this time you still put so much effort into me. You pour so many hours of your day into just being with me. It's so sweet. No one has ever done that before. I really love that I don't have to worry when I'm with you. It's like time stops, as cliche as that sounds. You do all of these silly little things that just make me love you more and more. I love your smile. Your laugh is absolutely contagious, and your happiness is the most beautiful thing that I've ever witnessed. It's something that I'll cherish forever. God, and you're just so amazing. You're so talented and I'm so proud of you. You were the reason I started playing guitar <3. I love it when you play for me. You make me silly little songs.. You teach me things, you encourage me and it really helps. It always has. I look up to you an unbelievable amount. Oh and I love that you share your interests with me! I love it when you let me participate in things you love <3. You always make sure that I feel included, and I promise you that I do. Especially when you do that. If I could pick one person to spend the rest of my life with, it would be you. I will never get tired of you. I swear, I will always, always, ALWAYS love you. You're the only person that has ever made me consider that I could've fallen in love. I know that I have, but I'm so glad that it was you. I love you, even if you don't see this (which you won't) :3

[bubbaberriboo]

i don’t know how to put any of my thoughts into words. i don’t even know where i would begin. ever since i reread those messages i’ve been thinking harder and harder about what i would even say. i know you want nothing to do with me, but you have no idea what i would give to just say i’m sorry. you don’t have to forgive me. you don’t have to even believe me. but the guilt i feel is unbearable. i feel trapped and i am constantly worrying about you. i just worry and worry and there is nothing i can do about it. i am too scared to ask about you. i am too scared to even mention how i feel to any of my friends. i don’t feel like i deserve that support. my friends have all tried to tell me it’s okay, but i know it’s not. people have told me to just move on, but i can’t. you can’t tell me i basically ruined someone’s life and then tell me to just move on. that’s not how it works. i think about how much effort i made to tell you how much i loved you, and how in the end i let one person destroy all of that. i wish you could understand how afraid i was. it wasn’t about you and i am so sorry that you got caught up in my mess. i would give anything to go back and change things, even if it meant going back to that traumatic cycle with him. it wasn’t worth it. i would give anything to just go back. you were one of the only things that kept me going on that time. you were one of my only genuine friends. i think i would’ve been okay. the pain i felt with him was bearable. i got used to it. it was year after year of the same thing. i grew numb to it. i would’ve lived. but the regret and hurt that i feel now makes everything back then feel like nothing. i’ve been trying to distract myself again, but even that can’t help much when the thing i’m using as a distraction reminds me of you. i’ve thought about just deleting some of my characters because you helped me shape their personalities, but i stop because my friends love those characters. i’ve tried to reclaim them but it’s starting to feel useless. all of the stories i’ve made feel useless and dry now. things that i’ve been passionate about just feel boring and empty. i am starting to realize now why and that it’s because you were my motivation for a lot of it. no one in my life now really even seems to care about anything i do the way you did. i hate myself. nothing is okay. i am so sick of lying to myself. but i feel like after everything, i should be okay. i was able to move on from something i never thought i would, but in the process i just created something far worse. and i am going to have to live with it and that scares me. i don’t know if i can do it. i don’t deserve to, do i? maybe that is what you need