_a place for words.

[SilhouetteStation]

here I will be posting various forms of writing, whether personal pieces, or short stories involving my characters.

any kind private messages are welcome. I appreciate and thrive on people's positivity, and it's always lovely as a writer when someone connects to your work.



I would ask that you please do not post here.

[SilhouetteStation]

res.

[SilhouetteStation]

sometimes I think of you
and sometimes I do not.

I'm happy to say
that nowadays

I mostly do the latter.

[SilhouetteStation]

may your well-travelled paws
guide you on your way

run joyous and free to your
mother, brothers, and sisters
from a place you were loved
to a place you will also be loved.

this is not a goodbye, rather
a see you later;
in some other time, place, realm
we will meet with you again.

every dog is worth the heartache
because

they give our hearts to us
and in return we give ours to them.
a lifetime of happiness and laughter
warm enough to soothe the pain.

dear dog please know
that in your whole lifetime you were
never anything but

a good dog.

[SilhouetteStation]

I rubbed my eyes, squinting slightly at the laptop screen in front of me. The bright lights were starting to mess with my vision. Probably because I'd been staring at it all afternoon. I glanced outside; it was starting to get dark, and I had no lights on. Huh. That probably wasn't helping either.

As I stretched out from my place on the couch, I heard footsteps approaching down the hall outside. A key turned in the lock - I always locked the front door when I was home alone - and Juno entered.

"Honey, I'm home!"

That was his usual greeting, and as cheesy as it was, it still made my mouth twitch up in a smile. "Welcome back," I replied, stifling a yawn as I did so. "How was work?"

"Fun as always."

For some people that statement might come out as sarcastic, but he actually meant it. He worked at one of the last video and DVD rental stores in the country. That place was like a wonderland to him. He'd keep all those stores running forever if he could.

"What about you?" He asked, moving over to the couch and ducking down to plant a kiss on my cheek. "Getting some good progress done?"

I let out a little sigh. "Some of the coding is a bit buggy, but I've got most of the biome set out."

Putting the video game design degree I had to good use was both equal parts rewarding and frustrating. At least I was working for an actual design group now and getting paid. One can only take being a broke University student living on ramen noodles for so long. I loved Juno for supporting me through that time, and I loved that we were living together now even more.

"That's good!" He said, giving me another kiss. "Buggy or not, it's still a step forward."

"How are you always so positive?"

"I just like people to be happy," he said with a shrug, moving away and back towards the kitchen. "What do you want for dinner?"

"Anything, as long as it's edible."

"Careful," he warned teasingly. "I could serve you up chalk."

"Mmm, calcium carbonate."

He let out a snort as he laughed, rummaging through the cupboards. "Uh…pasta? I can do some sort of pasta?"

"Sounds good to me," I replied, saving my progress and logging off. It was almost a relief to close the laptop and put it on the coffee table, away from where I'd be tempted to keep going. Even if I did do this for a living, I knew when I needed a break.

We chatted while he got things ready, me turning to cross my arms on the back of the couch and lean my head on them. I tried offering to help, but he politely refused all attempts. "Cooking helps me to relax" he said, not for the first time. I shrugged. "Whatever you say, chef."

When he started on the sauce, I couldn't help but take in a deep breath and let it out as a blissful sigh. "It's not fair," I complained. "Your cooking always smells good. I could literally marry that sauce."

"Oh yeah?" He held up a piece of macaroni, the only kind we had left. "You wanna put an elbow on it?"

I let out a giggle. "Not sure it'd fit as well as a ring, but I'd sure give it a go." He let out a laugh, but it sounded off. I tilted my head. "What's up?"

"Nothing," he said lightly, shaking his head.

"Juno."

"Shannon," he mimicked my tone.

"Talk to me."

He hesitated, busying himself with something so he didn't have to look at me. "I mean...would you ever want to?"

"Want to what?"

"Y'know…" he shrugged. "Put a ring on it."

I let his words sink in, processing. "You mean like - get married?"

"Well...yeah. To me, I mean. Not the macaroni."

A weird silence seemed to descend on the room, enfolding us into a situation I hadn't been prepared for and didn't know if I could get out of.

"It's not something I've actively thought about," I said slowly, deciding to be honest. "I know it's almost been five years since we got together, but I guess...I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it." I paused. "Have you?"

He'd never mentioned it before. Once or twice he said he'd like to, but it never seemed to be anything more than a passing comment, and then he would say something else to shift the conversation. Had he been thinking about this a lot? Or was this all from a silly pasta joke?

"Sometimes," he said quietly, shifting from foot to foot. I stayed silent while he spoke. "I mean…I was always going to ask you at some point. Now and then I've imagined what it would look like. What we'd look like. How it'd all feel. But I know it would probably cause stress from organizing everything, and you don't deal well with things like that, so…" he let out a tiny sigh. "I didn't know what you'd say. I guess I was scared that you'd say no."

I felt bad. Had he really been too scared? He was right in saying I might have the odd breakdown or two, but would he really have not asked at all because he was afraid? Did he care so much about me, he'd push something like this aside so that I would feel comfortable?

Part of me wanted to say yes right now. Yes Juno, of course I'll marry you. We can start planning as soon as possible. We'll have a lovely wedding, you and I. We'll have a big celebration with our friends and family.

And then I laughed to myself, because he and I both knew I wouldn't say something like that. I couldn't lie about not being uncomfortable and jump into something so huge so soon. Thats not how relationships worked. And remember, I reminded myself, he isn't actually proposing, is he?

…is he?

"Shannon?" His voice broke my thoughts, and I realized I hadn't spoken. He was looking at me with concern in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I will, but not now," I said without thinking.

His eyebrows creased together. "Huh?"

"I don't know if this is a proper proposal, but…I accept the idea of a future proposal. I'm saying 'I do' to the idea of saying 'I do' in the future. I'm..." I frowned slightly, trying to think of the words. "I'm saying yes to being engaged to you. In the future."

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "So you're saying yes in advance?"

"Yes," I said, nodding. "You can propose, and I'll say yes. We can get married. You can put a ring on this finger. Just not yet."

"Not yet," he agreed. "In the future."

"In the future," I confirmed.

He finished getting dinner ready, and brought it over so we could eat on the couch. Before we started he cuddled up into my side, squeezing my hand tightly. I looked into his eyes, inches from mine, and felt my gaze soften.

"You know what's a 'now' thing?" I asked softly.

"What?"

"I love you."

His cheeks blushed a rosy pink.

"I love you too." He then gave me a playful smack on the arm. "Now come on, eat up before this gets cold. It is marriage material after all."

(1245w)

[SilhouetteStation]

"Shaaanon."

I eyed him warily. I didn't like when he used that tone. He was curled up next to me on the couch, watching me work. I had my feet propped up on the coffee table, laptop nestled in my lap. He'd been content for awhile now to watch what I was doing, asking questions, and getting confused by the answers. Understandable, coding was difficult to wrap your head around.

"Juuuno," I replied in the same voice.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You just did," I said, and giggled when he let out a heavy sigh. "I know, I know, I'm very funny."

"Hilarious," he said in a mockingly flat tone, which only made me giggle again.

"Okay, yes, what's up?"

He was quiet again, twirling one of my braids around his fingers. "Nevermind."

"Come on, don't leave me in suspense."

"Nah," he said, shaking his head. "It was kind of a heavy question. Probably not the time."

"How heavy?" I asked. "Like polar bear heavy?"

His eyebrows scrunched together. "Why would it be - oh. Ha ha. I get it. Enough to break the ice. Someone get this man an Oscar."

"I can't help being multi talented," I said, just as part of the biome on screen broke and a piece of rock suddenly jutted up into the sky. "Huh."

He tilted his head. "Very interesting natural monument. Like a big rocky beacon."

"No rocky beacons," I said, tapping a few things to bring it back down. "Just normal rock." He pretended to sigh, shaking his head. "No fun. You gotta step out of the box. Make some wild natural landscapes."

"I'll be sure to let you design your own rock later. Now stop changing the subject," I added. "What were you going to ask? Whatever it is, just come out with it. No holding back. Three, two, one-"

"Do you want to have kids?"

My hand slipped on the keyboard, and suddenly it looked as though my viewpoint had fallen through the map. I was looking up at the grid, the partially finished landscape. I think the rock was jutting up again.

"Um-"

Oh geez. It had only been like, five months since we'd had the marriage talk, and that just ended in a 'lets wait awhile' decision. Being married I thought I could handle. It didn't really change anything. You spent a lot, and got a nice ring, and a piece of paper. I didn't need that to say I loved Juno, but yes, it would be nice to celebrate our relationship. But kids?

"I know it's unexpected," he said, still playing with my braids. "And of course I'm not saying right now. We've just never really talked about it, and I was curious."

I felt a hint of panic creep up the back of my neck. "Do you?" I asked, trying to draw some attention away from myself.

"Yeah, I think I would. I think it'd be nice to have our own little family." His voice was soft as he spoke. "I think we could be really good dads."

I let out a bitter laugh without thinking. "Speak for yourself."

He frowned, pulling away slightly to look at me. I kept my eyes firmly on the laptop screen. The silence seemed to enfold us, and I was overly aware of his gaze boring into me.

"You don't think you would be?" He asked gently.

I fidgeted, looking at my hands, shifting in my seat. "Not really," I muttered.

"How come?"

I glanced at my sweatpants and crumpled shirt; they were probably yesterday's clothes. I'd had cocoa pops for breakfast. Part of my job involved sitting on the couch in front of a laptop screen for a lot of hours of the day.

Weren't parents meant to be way more organized than me? With clean, smart looking clothes? Eating chia seeds and fruit for breakfast? Probably hitting up the gym every other day, or doing yoga in the mornings?

"I just don't - I'm not sure I'm really 'parent' material. I wouldn't know what to do-"

"No first time parent ever does," he pointed out.

"I don't deal well with stress-"

"Don't forget I'd be here too." He put his hand on mine. "You wouldn't be alone. I'm always gonna be here to support you, and whoever else comes along."

I glanced up at him. His eyes were warm, expression sincere. I felt a smile almost creep onto my face.

"We're not financially ready for kids."

"I never said now. I mean way, way in the future. This is just discussing the idea."

I hesitated. Another kind of fear, nestled somewhere deep in my stomach, made me shift uncomfortably. The one question that couldn't be answered, not really, because you just never knew. I wasn't sure I wanted to know. But-

"What if they don't like me?"

It was hardly above a whisper, but sounded loud in my ears. Sounded loud in the silence that followed. I suddenly felt very insecure.

"Shannon..." he murmured softly, smoothing a few strands of hair back from my face and tucking them behind my ears. His hand brushed against my cheek for a moment. Baby tears pricked at my eyes.

"Of course they'll-"

"But you don't know," I interrupted him. My voice sounded thick. "I know you want to make me feel better, but it's true. You don't know that."

He was quiet for a few moments, still idly stroking my face as a way of comforting me. "You don't know they'll like me either," he said eventually, and I snorted. "Oh come on," I said, rolling my eyes slightly. "Of course they will, everyone loves you."

"But you don't know," he repeated my earlier words. I knew he was trying to prove a point, but even so, I shook my head. "I do know."

"How?"

"Because you're you," I said. "Every part of you is great. You'd be such a fun dad. You'd be teaching them how to ride bikes, and taking them on trips to the zoo all the time, and building blanket forts to watch movies all night in. You'd make them laugh more than I could, and teach them to cook, and they'd probably learn from you and sing all the time. And you could never be embarrassing in front of their friends because they'd love you too. Everyone loves you. Even you know that."

I could tell he wanted to argue, but wasn't sure how, considering all I'd done was compliment him. And he must have known I was right. That's just who he was; lovable. Juno could be friends with anyone. He just had that gift.

"Maybe I would be that dad," he said, breaking my train of thought. "Maybe I would be the loud, jokey, adventurous dad. And maybe they would like that, but they'd like you too, because you're a different kind of dad."

When I didn't respond, he took my silence as a cue to continue.

"You'd be the quiet dad. The sensitive one. The one who they go to for advice, the one who's the best listener in the world. You're the dad who wouldn't ever let them believe that they were anything but wonderful. You'd be the one who reads to them at night, and the shoulder they rest on when they fall asleep on the couch. Obviously they'd think you're super cool - you design video games, for crying out loud. You'd be stellar at helping them with math homework, goodness knows I'm rubbish at it."

He squeezed my hand again tightly, gazing into my eyes with an intensity that I couldn't look away from.

"They'd like us because we work. You've always been the one to balance me out. We're different, but that's good. We work. It's not just about us as individuals, but as a team. Plural parents. Plural dads. That's the most important thing. That's what matters most."

I nodded. I believed him. Anyone in this situation right now would believe him. He didn't leave any room for argument, for self doubt. He'd always believed in me enough for the both of us. If he could believe in me, in what he was saying, then maybe I could too.

"Okay," I whispered. I sniffed, roughly rubbing at my eyes. "Okay," I said again. "Yes. That is…a future plan I could get on board with. Yes."

He pressed a kiss against my cheek, resting his head on my shoulder. "We can talk about this again later," he murmured. "Way in the future. We should get married first, and that's not for awhile. I don't ever want to make you do something you're not totally on board with. We'll make sure everything will be okay."

I didn't answer. I was too choked up to speak. I just nodded again. A warm feeling swelled in my chest, making my heart glow.

"And we should get a dog first," he suddenly added, and I couldn't help but let out a laugh. "What?"

"A dog," he repeated. "We should get a dog. That's number one on our to do list. It's the first step in future making. They're very important creatures, dogs are."

"That's true," I agreed. "I can do that. We can do that. Let's get a dog."

"Two dogs?" He asked hopefully.

I laughed. "Don't push it."

(1562w)