by Samael_3 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 3:14 pm
Its fine to message me if there is any problems you are facing. You can also message me or post on this forum to reply to me. I'll be open to anything you need help with.
Well, I don't know what I'm feeling now because I can't tell. It's pretty much like I have no emotions, I can't tell if i'm happy and I can't tell if I am sad. Though, I bet everyone must go through a moment like this in their life, so it must not be that bad. I know I don't have depression because I just know I don't. There's nothing tragic in my life that happened or any family history of depression, so I know I don't have it.
I feel like I have no clue who I am at all. I feel completely lost. Maybe I've never known who I am, I can't tell, or I can't remember.
I know only a few things about me.
1. I love history/fantasy/gothic sort of things.
2. I'm weird.
3. My self esteem is terrible... Please someone tell me where you buy self esteem on a stick.
4. I don't know who I am.
5. I fear not accomplishing my dream, which is to share my ideas.
Thing is I have terrible self esteem, all my life I've been let down by people who I know made this happen. I'm extremely insecure about my looks and I know I'm ugly. People just don't want to admit that.
I also feel like I'll never accomplish my dream but I know I'm that person that can't give up until I finish.... Yet, with my dream, I don't think I'll ever finish. It's something else than just not giving up 30 minutes after trying to look for a pen. It's different.
I don't know how to share my ideas though. I feel like writing would help. Writing would both mix into my fantasy/gothic/history obsession, but I know I'm terrible at it. Other people even tell me I'm bad at it. It doesn't help with my self esteem because I can't get myself to write knowing how bad it is. Yes, you may tell me I'll improve, but it doesn't look like it.
To add on, my sister also writes and she judges my writing a lot. She can write and she always does it, but I can't. I'm just terrible at it.
How do I share my ideas I'm lost. The world seems to be crashing down on me, I don't know what to do. I hate my life so much, I don't understand really why, it might be my self esteem, or otherwise.
Thing is, I truthfully say this, I'd rather die than not accomplish my dreams. I know it sounds harsh, but it is that way. And I know my dreams aren't going to happen, knowing that, I want to die. I can't help it. I'd be no use anyways. Everyone I know thinks of me as that "other person." Plus my ideas probably aren't even original. My theories are probably the same as everyone else.
Thing is i'm probably like everyone else and don't know it. Everyone probably has my ideas. Everyone probably has my dream. Everyone probably thinks the same as me. I'm probably not different. Yet, I feel knowing this would make me fall even more. I feel like knowing this would make me never accomplish what I want. I know I come to the realization that the difference between people is the decisions they make, but I'm torn apart from this. I don't understand why, maybe it's because I don't want to believe this. I want to believe there's something different to me than everyone else. But I don't believe there is.
I feel like my problems aren't worth being noticed by everyone. I know I'm not suffering as bad as other people must be suffering.
I know my problems are only minimal to the people dealing with depression and/or physical and other emotional problems.
I also feel I'm falling apart knowing how much people think I'll be a success. My cross country coach believes I'll break the record, but I don't believe it. I'm never going to be good enough for this, I know I won't. I don't believe this will actually happen. Plus my one friend believes I'll have such a successful life. I don't want to trust her because she, just like all the fake friends I have, is crushing me down even further.
It's okay if I don't get a reply, I can try to overcome this myself. If you reply, I thank you very much.