Dear E,
"We're having a moment." "Love me." "C'mon, pleasee stay outside?" -things said to your girlfriend
"But you love me!" "Love you~!" -things said to me while you're in a good mood
"You idiot!" "How dumb are you?" "Ha!" -things said to me when you're 'joking'
Sometimes, I want to be included. I miss when we were younger, when I sometimes got to be your number one. We were close, closer than we are now. But you only have eyes for her now. And that's fine; M is wonderful. But widen your vision, for once in your life. Include me in your line of sight. There's so much you've tainted, you've stuck your fingerprints all over. Songs I used to love because you loved them. Because I loved you, for the longest time. Things I used to watch that I can't watch without imagining you next to me, commenting and laughing and shoving me gently just like we used to, when we would sit cross-legged on your bed or lay on our stomachs and plug in your headphone adapter and watch YouTube together. You would show me Fall Out Boy songs and I'd pretend to like them, until I started actually liking them. You showed me Dan and Phil. We went to TATINOF with me, and we sat next to each other and screamed in each others ears and didn't even care because we were closer than close. We saw Panic together and danced, separated by two people, and even though we were almost falling off because of how high up we were it didn't matter, because you were screaming the lyrics and jumping up and down and laughing and SnapChatting people and we pumped our fists in the air together and it was glorious. I miss you. But every time we aren't together with just the two of us, you're stuck to your number one. Was I ever number one to you? Or was I just an extra? If someone isn't your number one, then they're nobody. And no number one ever lasts forever. You're a hurricane of a person, and I keep hoping I'll find myself in the eye.
But you only ever had eyes for your number one. And that was never me.
That's why I'm listening to Halsey right now, even tough it sucks, because Fall Out Boy songs are racing through my head and I can't listen to those without hearing your scathing voice. And hearing the voice you use for your number one.
You used to use that voice with me. When I walked you home, going an extra two blocks and walking five blocks back to my house, just for that precious slice of time where we walked up to your house and sat on the low wall and talked about pranks and reality and random crap that didn't matter, but it mattered to me. You told me what you wanted your first kiss to be like, and I still remember what it was. Your real first kiss happened on the track on the last day of school, with your number one at the time. I wanted it to be me for the longest time, and even now that I've moved on, your ghost still floats around my mind. I want you gone.
Dear M, E's current number one:
This has been a position many have fought for. Hearts have shattered looking at the pair walking ahead of them. Have you ever felt completely isolated, even when you're surrounded by your friends? With the person who you wish would look at you the way you look at them when they're not looking? Probably. But not with E. Not since you met her. Be grateful while it lasts, okay? You've gone through a lot of stuff you didn't deserve. You deserve happiness.
But please don't get too attached. Because the number one always gets replaced in the end.