1x1 with Jack,

[auroraphoenix]

❝ＷＩＬＬＩＡＭ ＭＵＲＤＯＣＨ❞
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
( male ) x ( closeted bisexual ) x ( tagged: gillies )

Murdoch watched the waves of emotion pass over James' face, seeing the confusion and tentativeness in his eyes. He didn't want to come right out and say everything, which Murdoch could perfectly understand. Everyone had skeletons in their closet, and perhaps Gillies' life was one of them. Surely, though, his past couldn't have been that boring. Being one of the top students in his class had to have had its perks, right? Murdoch could agree with the utmost confidence, as his story had been similar. Growing up, William had been a very intelligent student. Scoring very high scores on all of his exams, but the downside was that he never really spoke in class. Of course, there were many times where he was forced to explain a concept to the entire class, but Murdoch never volunteered willingly. He had demonstrated understanding, but just didn't like participating in class so much. He didn't really see the point of it. There were always students who could verbalize everything they did in class, but not do well on the tests. The brunette vaguely remembered having a friend like that. So maybe that was why; it didn't really matter though. His school and college years were over. He decided that he had had pretty good college professors, encouraging him to go into something with science. Murdoch had always agreed, being a scientist of some sort sounded like a pretty good gig. But early into his career, Murdoch had grown quite bored with it. It wasn't fast-paced, and it wasn't exciting. That wasn't to say that William didn't like any of it, but it definitely wasn't where he was the happiest. William wasn't sure when he really discovered detective work, but when he did, he knew that it fell right into place. He had had to go back to college for forensic science, but had graduated the top of his class, landing him a place at Station House Number 4. His first few years with the constabulary had been a bit rough, following the footsteps of a very reputable detective. But Murdoch had climbed the ladder quickly enough, earning himself recognition all around, and capturing the attention of one blonde criminal mastermind. That wasn't a bad thing, though, he thought as he looked at Gillies. The blue eyes seemed to be trying to search Murdoch, find something that would tell Gillies that William was trying to exploit him. But alas, James would find nothing, as Murdoch was innocent in that area. He really was genuinely curious.

Murdoch, to say the least, was taken aback with James' response. It was a question and a very interesting one at that. Gillies wanted to know if he wasn't who he was, he would be wasting his intelligence. How could William possibly answer that? He could say what Gillies would want to hear, that he would be not fit anywhere else. But that was not the truth. There was a million other ways that Murdoch could think of where James could apply himself. Teaching, joining some sort of constable work force, anything. To be honest, Murdoch could only envision him working with a constabulary. Working alongside of someone, being helpful, rather than a nuisance. If Murdoch didn't tell the truth, who was he pressuring Gillies to? And his questions were a lot more pressing than James' were. So it would probably be the safest to go with nothing but the truth, and besides, there was a chance that James needed to hear it. "No, of course not, James." Hopefully Gillies wouldn't mind the first name basis, as they weren't being too formal. It was only a casual chat, which was something that the brunette had to constantly remind himself. There was nothing going on besides a nice conversation between two... acquaintances. "You know that you are a very capable young man. There are so many ways that you could be putting your brilliant mind to use, excluding the pure sciences. You would certainly not be wasting your mind's capability." Murdoch figured that that was a very truthful answer, straight and to the point. He didn't really feel comfortable saying anything besides the truth. Gillies would be satisfied right? It wasn't too vague, and Murdoch didn't think that Gillies would have any questions to follow up with. "For example, you seem to know your way around words. You use them in a very sophisticated way, and that is very far away from pure science. It is communications," he offered, trying to give an example. William's advice would not be very effective if all he did was say that Gillies was smart, because he knew that already. "Most people do not have that within their skillset." He gave a small, closed lip smile to the blonde in encouragement. There was really so much that Gillies could do with the IQ that he had, the detective didn't even know where to begin. But he wasn't hear to go around listing those, James had to figure out who he was himself, that much Murdoch knew. It was often a difficult task to be completely independent, and Gillies was still fairly young. There was a lot he had yet to discover.

Murdoch could sense that he still had some distrust still held up in his voice, he could hear it. It pulled at Murdoch's heartstrings a little bit. He had to reason with himself that he had no right to be upset that James didn't completely trust him. The detective was hoping to coax away the protective layer that seemed to encircle him, and tear down that rigid wall. Then again, Murdoch knew that that was not going to away anytime soon, so he would have to let that be for now. Murdoch didn't know how to properly... act, for lack of a better word, around Gillies. His feelings were all so conflicted, but his brain told him one word: trust. That was the key. The first question had thrown Murdoch off a little bit, earning the weird feeling to settle in his stomach again. But when words fell out of Gillies' mouth again, Murdoch froze. He was asking about who he was. Who William Murdoch was. And that was a very complicated question with an even more complicated answer. Yet Murdoch expected it - asking questions was a good way to avoid answering questions. But what could he possibly say? He could start with basics - that he had wanted to go into science. He hadn't been much of a daydreamer, so Murdoch hadn't quite known he had wanted to be a detective from a young age. "Well, let's see," Murdoch's head turned away from Gillies, his eyes gave away too much uncertainty. In fact, Murdoch's brown eyes reflected the blue ones he had looked into not long ago. "I wasn't much of a dreamer. I stayed focused on my academics, and much like you, applied myself on exams and school." Relating himself to Gillies was sure to open him up, more right? Besides, he wasn't lying about it. "I don't think I really knew what I wanted to be when I was a young boy. I only really discovered I had wanted to be a detective when I was much older." There was the answer, and now that Murdoch heard it out loud, it was very dull. He wanted to take the words back and replace them with a much more exciting tale of how he had woken up one day and decided to be a detective. But that just wasn't true. Murdoch realized that he felt much more naked, more vulnerable. He had never answered any of those questions out loud; not that he had given them much thought. He imagined that this was what Gillies must feel like, and suddenly, a more empathetic link formed between Murdoch and Gillies. Murdoch turned his head towards Gillies again, his brown eyes resting on the curious face in front of him.

[Spock and Kirk]

✄•••••••••••𝔍𝔞𝔪𝔢𝔰 𝔊𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔦𝔢𝔰
"I don't suffer from Insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"
[25 | Male | Homosexual | Broken, Reflective | tagged; Murdoch ]

xxx Was the detective actually not hiding anything from me, I feel as though he was. At first when this conversation had began I knew that he would try to conceal every single little part of his life from me and yet here he was telling me part of his story in brief. Along with telling me that I would be suited for something other than science, which is one thing that out of five people I had not been told. The only one to support me fully was my sister, she seemed to be happy enough to sit in the audience and clap when I had done something amazing. She was one of the only people that ever really understood me, she saw right into my soul with her blue eyes. Her eyes reminded me of the moon during the crisp winter months. I suppose that is why I am so taken with the night during the winter, the big blue moon that rises above the sky every night without fail. It overwhelmed me with comfort the moon seemed to be the spectacles that she was watching me from all the time. Seeing when I did something great so that she could be there to clap for me. This memory made a smile begin to curl onto my lips, not one of malice, but one of genuine joy. I had once again felt my eyes drift away from the Detective and so I brought them back so that I could try to search his eyes for what his intentions were. I could see that they had next to no frustration that was usually overtaking every single other emotion that was interwoven into them. Maybe he did actually genuinely care about what I had to say, which was a first for anyone. Especially the Detective that seemed to frustrated with me not ten minuets ago. I was also trying to hide something else that had been brewing for a while, so the more irritating I had to get to try to make him believe that the mask I put on was true. Now that its gone, there is no saying what I will reveal to the detective. I am not going to lie, I had always liked messing with people, no matter what I was doing. But It has only recently involved murder. I suppose I did have a reason for it as well but it was not like I had told anyone what that reason was. If anything they would like that I was lying. Why would the criminal mastermind James Gillies ever actually care about another human being.

xxx It then stuck that he had actually called me by my first name. that was something that I never thought that I would ever hear from him. He usually only referred to me as 'Gillies' or in more formal occasions 'mister Gillies' never James. It sounded slightly foreign coming from his lips but something about it sounded.. Right. Like he was meant to say it at some point or another. I never suspected that the one word could be so comforting to hear. It evoked a sense of, calm within me. He was actually being genuine in this moment with me, again this was something that I had never seen before in the Detective. It was nice to know that he was not on edge all the time around me any longer, I was also not wearing the mask that I so loved while I was around him. "I-I-" Was I actually stuttering? It was a rarity when I heard my first name being called but most of the time It felt forced, this time was so different. "I have never heard you call me James before" My voice cracked slightly out of pure shock, probably the fact that my heart was still trying to leap out of my throat didn't help. I could also feel the crimson blush that had began to grow on the side of my face was not going away. It felt as though a fire had began licking at my cheeks and tips of my ears. A fire that had come from the pit of my stomach started by the same plant that had seeded oh so long ago. However his response was one that I had not heard in a very long time, he was if anything encouraging when talking about me going into other fields other than just pure hard science. It was all so interesting, and very much applicable, but just spending ones life looking into new concepts? It sounded boring to just be doing the same mundane thing over and over again until you got a result. It is not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. Most were never fully capable of understanding that about me. They always wanted a certain path that I was set to follow, one that they had sheered down properly getting rid of all of the brambles and struggle that I had searched for. I needed to challenge myself with something other than science and they all knew it to be true. They never took the time to listen, but in this moment Detective Murdoch was actually willing to hear me out. If anything he wanted to know what was making the gears behind my mind turn. What had prompted me to kill my own professor in what seemed like cold blood. Which was a lot of fun and very interesting to see every single little concept being applied to the real world. "If I told you what my heart was set on back when we first met I am sure that even you the Stoic William Murdoch would laugh at me." I said as I took a slight step back in attempts to try to cool the rampant blush that was spreading across my cheeks. This might be the chance to be able to tell someone what my hearts desire was back then. I suppose he would not support the dreams that were laying in front of me in tatters, because they are something that are so taboo. Besides, my dream has changed now that I have met William.

xxx The detective still seemed very on-edge while he was around me. What else could I have expected? He always seemed like he needed to remain on guard when he was in my presence because of what I had done. What I had shown him that I was capable of. If anything he was so terrified of the potential of weaving a web that involved the ones that he cared about. I had observed that the rest of the constabulary was almost a family to him, every single one he took the time to get to know on a very personal level. Probably giving them all advice similar to that I had received as well. Unlike most Detectives that I had observed in the past he was a lot more caring then he got up to being. Especially while he was staring a known killer right in the face. Gazing into the eyes that had taken the life of another human being. For reasons that I had sworn I would never tell anyone, however I had not counted on it eating into my mind as much as it has been. The itch to want to tell someone why I would use my best friend to set up a plot against a professor then pull it off seemingly without fail. In this moment the Detective seemed to be trying to communicate a sense of... Similarity between the two of us. We had a lot of common ground that had yet to be explored in its entirety. I could see him doing well in school, he seemed like the academic type. Especially the way that he uses every single portion of the case to put together the truth. Like a puzzle that was convinced that it had too many pieces and yet William was able to fit them all into the picture somehow or another. I honestly didn't know what to say in response to what he had confessed to me. He wasn't going to go into depth about his own personal story but he still was willing to tell me this much about himself. It was a sure fire way of knowing that he was beginning to trust me a little bit more. Which was a relief from him always trying to keep his guard up, watching every single movement and calculating every little word that I spoke. All out of fear for what I could say that would just make him run around in circles, it was entertaining to watch. But not something that I wanted to spend the remainder of my time doing. My mouth had began to open to say something in response to what the detective had told me but the words once again failed me. My beating heart was probably choking out my vocal cords in some way. But being effective enough to keep me from speaking.

[auroraphoenix]

❝ＷＩＬＬＩＡＭ ＭＵＲＤＯＣＨ❞
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
( male ) x ( closeted bisexual ) x ( tagged: gillies )

William's eyes stayed on Gillies' face, studying the way that he contemplated each answer and question. It was amusing, to be quite honest. Watching James' face, he began to see a smile take flight. Murdoch couldn't help but wonder why he was, because it seemed pretty genuine. It was quite clear that James seemed to be reminiscing about something, perhaps when he was younger. That tended to be why someone was nostalgic, right? However, when he noticed that Gillies smile soon fell and his face was turning red, he quickly looked away. Murdoch was oddly flattered by the fact he could be the cause of James' flush of color. It almost caused Murdoch to blush in return, but he was trying to will it away. Ah, right. James had really never heard Murdoch call him James before. But it was okay, right? Murdoch hoped that it would be alright, most men that he knew outside of work went on a first name basis. James was different, though, because technically this was outside of work and Gillies and Murdoch weren't working together. But that thought only swelled up a mess of emotions in Murdoch. He had never really considered having a partner, much less needing one. He had always been content working alone, with the occasional pop-ins by Julia. She had always been a wonderful helper, but Murdoch didn't know if it would be a good partner for personal reasons. Murdoch's recurring thoughts about him and James being partners excited him. It made his heart swell for James, giving him another place in a seemingly empty world. He knew that Gillies had never really had a home to call his after his first crimes, and surprisingly, a constabulary could do him some good. But WIlliam didn't know if he had enough nerve to straight up ask Brackenreid if a wanted criminal could work at Station Four. Murdoch could envision that conversation quite vividly, and it did not end well for the detective. And besides, Gillies may not want to do anything like that. Murdoch was still rather excited by the idea, but for reasons beyond the idea of giving Gillies a better life. However, the brunette would rather not say any of those out loud, for these newfound feelings were still foreign to Murdoch. There was clearly some form of attraction between them, but William could not put his finger on it. Rephrase: Murdoch didn't want to put his finger on it. It was obvious there was still some hesitance to accept this idea, and with good reason. People would think that a man of William's age would have his life figured out, but that was not the case at all.

Murdoch turned his gaze back to James to find him stepping away. A wave of nerves rocked through Murdoch - had he done something wrong? He raised an eyebrow, seeing the space that was now between the two. Not that there had been a lot of closeness, but there was certainly more room. "Is everything alright?" Murdoch inquired curiously, now feeling a bit let down. What if this conversation, to Gillies, was just a way to mess with Murdoch? He could truly never wash that possibility away. Murdoch considered closing the gap, but decided against it. That might scare James away more, so Murdoch stayed put. He felt his whole body sadden, the excitement that had swelled him gone. But why? It wasn't that important anyways. His attention was brought back to the blonde standing next to him when he spoke of the first time Murdoch encountered James Gillies. He had been an innocent university student, working alongside of Perry. What did that have to do with anything? Murdoch was now very curious, his heartbeat starting to pick up a little bit. That comment had so many sides to it, and now William wanted to know. Did Gillies speak of feelings? Something in Murdoch hurt a little bit - jealousy; but over what was the question. It hadn't even been confirmed that that was what Gillies spoke of and William was already jealous. Wonderful. "Well, considering I don't really know what you're talking about," he paused, talking as if it were obvious, "I'd say you have a pretty good chance of me not laughing at you. And you said it yourself," Murdoch feigned a serious face, exaggerating a bit. Murdoch enjoyed the feeling of joking with James, it felt natural; different from the normal sarcastic banter that bounced between them. "I'm the stoic William Murdoch." A smirk tugged at Murdoch's lips, revealing a youthful light in his eyes. He almost started laughing himself, at his stupid humor. Murdoch shrugged sheepishly, a small bit of red beginning to creep onto his face. James wouldn't mind the humor, or at least the brunette hoped.

Murdoch did decide to step closer to Gillies, feeling as though, maybe with Murdoch revealing his playful side, James wouldn't mind. he noticed that Gillies was lost in his thoughts. William craved to know more, but like said before, he was not going to force him. It would all come in time. Besides, William could sense their relationship growing more and more, both of them blossoming. Murdoch didn't think he had felt like his true self in a very long time. Yes, Murdoch's true self had never been the goofy type, but he had always kept that side of himself more guarded. He feared people would take him for a fool, and not take his work seriously. Murdoch felt passionately about his work and accomplishments and that was the last thing he needed. "You know," Murdoch spoke slowly, "you're not the only one with unbelievable dreams. Most people don't really know what they want when they're young. But now that you have some sort of handle on your life, it's easier to know what you want." Murdoch turned to James, then his eyes flew across the pond. "You've probably heard this a million times from a billion of people, but it seems as though you needed to hear it again." Murdoch decided that that would be enough, and plus, he wasn't great at giving good advice. It was mostly what his parents had told him and most people had heard everything that he knew. It would be a lie if William said that he was good with these types of social situations, if any. Out of the corner of Murdoch's eye, though, he saw Gillies try to say something, but nothing came out. So Murdoch decided to fill that gap for him. "So what does the present James Gillies want out of life, beyond the one of a criminal?" He hoped he wasn't being too blunt, for Murdoch tended to have a bit of an issue with that. He had the ability to be sensitive, but didn't use it the right way, nor at the right time. Perhaps it was something the great William Murdoch should work on.

[Spock and Kirk]

✄•••••••••••𝔍𝔞𝔪𝔢𝔰 𝔊𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔦𝔢𝔰
"I don't suffer from Insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"
[25 | Male | Homosexual | Broken, Reflective | tagged; Murdoch ]

xxx I could honestly not believe it when William Murdoch began what seemed to be cracking jokes. His eyes were filled with curiosity and well what seemed to be him loosening up. Previously, whenever I had entered the station house or the detectives presence at all he seemed to be so on edge about it. He didn't know what I would do or what my true intentions were. I always hid my malicious plans behind a false smirk and a playfully irritating cadence. He seemed to believe the facade, William had good reason too in the first place. After what I had done to my professor. But what had changed that he was allowing himself to open up more to the idea of friendship between the two of us? I could see that he was curious about my past a fair amount and that he had a genuine sense of caring about him but there was something much more whirling around behind his eyes. The conversations of others seemed to play in the background as a symphony of noise that all seemed to have faded away. I remember hearing everything when I had first entered the park, apart from my own thoughts that seemed to be louder than anything else pounding at my ear drums for attention. Now that the conversation between the Detective and I which had started as borderline idle chat had grown into something more that required my entire consciousness. I couldn't help but overhear some of the conversation that was being had by those that were passing by, just picking up a word or two. However this conversation was one of the most important things that I could have invested my time and energy in. Besides, why did the detective follow me out here in the first place? He had kicked me out of his office as soon as he had the chance. He seemed so caught up in the investigation , glaring at the chalkboard as though the names were going to pop out and give him the answer to the case. No matter how many times his rich chocolate eyes glared at the white words that were standing in front of him he was not going to get an answer. Answers never came that easy to anyone in the world. Especially when it came to maths calculations, every single little step counts making sure that you don't make any errors. Once again, almost as though it were some kind of a game, I looked back at the detective seeing how much softer the light had made his expression. It was difficult not to notice the blush that was also crossing over his cheeks slightly. However I didn't want to draw too much attention to it. I felt as though it were obvious enough already and this conversation was teetering on the edge of disaster, in my eyes anyhow. The relationship that was shared between William Murdoch and I was not something that someone would want to turn into friendship. Nor would most have the patience to turn it into a friendship, or anything more. Besides, what was I thinking of. There was not a chance in the entire universe that Detective William Murdoch would ever become infatuated with someone like me. As far as I know though, there isn't anyone special in his life. I should hope.

xxx The very thought of the two of us being able to be a couple of sorts made a warm feeling begin to tingle through my being. He seemed to be lighter than air, at least he wasn't stone cold all the time. My heart once again continued to beat faster and faster even though it had previously calmed down for a fraction of a minute. Thankfully the blush was not getting any worse, I probably looked like a beet at this point. When I continued to search the detective for answers I could see that there was a new emotion both lacing his comment and his eyes. I was unsure as to what it was but it was unfamiliar, strange. I was curious but I didn't want to push it. He could tell that there was something the matter that had caused me to step back but in reality there was no reason that I had stepped away from the detective other than the fact that I felt as though the few feet of distance was more like a few centimetres. We had never been this close for this long of a time before again the tingling feeling continued to spread through my body. It was not undoubtably bad but, it was something alien that I have felt before. "Oh-its just I-" Was stumbling over my words again. I do remember feeling this once. An extremely long time ago, if my deductions were correct the feelings that I had for the detective were getting stronger. The pull of attraction , Like that of a magnet, was becoming something that I could no longer ignore. Nevertheless I had too, it would ruin myself and the Detective if he found out. Well, the life ruining aspect would not come into play for a while but the risk was still extremely high. "I haven't been this close to you without having you push me away." My voice was laced with some kind of a sorrow but also with some excitement. Was this relationship on the med? After years of the two of us only throwing sarcastic banter at each other. However, the new sense of humour that began to come from the detective made me while and chuckle slightly my eyes still locked on his own. "Alright, Ill humour you" I cleared my throat my heart beginning to beat faster. "While in University James Gillies the criminal Mastermind wanted to be a thespian." I paused feeling as though a large weight had been lifted from my shoulders. "Its why I have taken such a liking to my disguises and playing the roles of others" I once again looked quickly out over the pond trying to avert my eyes from William. I was not sure what the detective would say. Even if my dreams have shifted to something much more sensible.

xxx When William took another step, closing the gap slightly between the two of us I felt some kind of comfort in in. there was no way that I could have done it and I was gad that he was going to be the one who would. Besides, he was the one who usually pushed me away all the time. It allowed for me to get past revealing a little bit more about myself causing me to return my gaze to the brunette detective standing before me illuminated by the slowly fading sun. I could feel its warmth radiating onto my back, it was still warm from the fading summer months but the longer that the two of us stood here the more that the air began to get a nip in it. The familiar chill of winter that has always brought me so much comfort over the years. Soon the moon would have its lovely blue glow. "You do not know how much I've longed to hear that. Rather than have someone present me with a path perfectly paved out to follow" Was I really not the only one with unbelievable dreams in this world? Sure there were others in the Theatric program at University but they were never truly serious about it. just as a hobby to spend the time, thespians were looked down upon highly. Being in entertainment was not considered a stable and noteworthy occupation. Now, when William asked me what I wanted out of life other than getting myself into trouble It was a bit of a curve ball. I had never really taken the time to think about what I was going to do next. I still had a desire to be on stage again at one point or another but the days of me wanting to take it on as a career had fallen through the cracks. There was no way that I could ever try to make it as a working thespian. But there was something else that I would adore if I were allowed to spend the rest of my time doing. I had always admired how blunt the detective was, he never beat around the bush around things very often. Which I leaned towards doing to get people off my trail when I was trying to conceal something that I had done. It made me want to give him an answer, but my mind just gave me a blank board. A board with nothing written on it, I wanted to do something meaningful with the time that I had been given since I had escaped prison. He had every right to send me back there but he hadn't why? I suppose now isn't the time to try to push for an answer or ask a question in the first place. I needed to try to provide the Detective with an answer. There was one driving force that kept me going for the longest time, I think that it could still keep me going if I put my mind too it. "I want to walk by the side of the person that I admire most in this world." I paused for a second. I was not going to reveal the rest of it, I feel like there will be another time for that.

[auroraphoenix]

❝ＷＩＬＬＩＡＭ ＭＵＲＤＯＣＨ❞
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
( male ) x ( closeted bisexual ) x ( tagged: gillies )

Standing with Gillies on his side, Murdoch felt at peace, something he hadn't felt in a long time. Gen knew that he had to get back to the case. He knew that Brackenreid would constantly be on his back about it. But here, in the park, with the wind blowing and pleasant conversation echoing in his ears, Murdoch found himself easily lost in his own thoughts- the ones that were genuine. Not the ones that were constantly encircling his detective work. The brunette found it just as easy to lose himself in the thoughts of the young man next to him. They were pretty far apart in age, Murdoch being considerably James' senior. But he could sense some sort of friendship growing between them and William was more than happy about that. This did put some complication on their relationship professionally though, as Gillies was still a a high-priority suspect, at least in Brackenreid's book. But Murdoch could deal with that and convince the Inspector otherwise. It was not likely to be a pleasant run-in, but oh well. Most of Murdoch's run-ins were not on the side of pleasantry. Gillies' words slapped Murdoch out of his brain, yet provoked an emotion within him. He could feel its presence, very heavy, in spite of the fact that it made his heartbeat speed up in a matter of seconds. 'I haven't been this close to you without having you push me away.' The phrase itself was very intimate, as though it were not meant for Murdoch's ears yet, if at all. It was so out of context, causing William to glance around. Had anyone heard that? The brunette caught himself, scolding himself internally, saying that there was nothing wrong with that. No one would care. And as Murdoch's eyes flew about the few people walking around them, no one noticed. So why should anyone notice now? Still, there was that little thought in William's mind that never wanted to go away, similar to a pest or bug. His eyes landed on James once more, locking with his eyes. There was something entrancing about them and the detective couldn't seem to pull himself away, especially not now, when Gillies was going to say something that would most likely hold some degree of relevance in the future, Murdoch could tell. It exhilarated him, the suspense building up. But Murdoch had to force himself to calm down a little bit. With no intended disrespect to Gillies, it wouldn't be too exciting. It couldn't be- they were in no setting for him to do so. But this was James Gillies, there was no such thing as expected with him. His eyes searched the young face for something, besides hesitance. But Murdoch saw... minor excitement and nerves. Nerves, Murdoch expected, but excitement?

And as expected, James' admittance wasn't too surprising, nor exciting to be honest. In fact, it explained more about James than it raised questions about him. He smiled a little bit, keeping his lips closed as always. Rarely did Murdoch smile showing his teeth. "I can't say I'm surprised." Murdoch nodded slightly, his focus beginning to drift again, but he quickly caught it. He was here for this, not thinking about anything else. "And let me just say, that's not that much of a spectacle." He was trying to get James to be more comfortable and coming from the blush that refused to fade off of James' cheeks, William sensed it was working. "Well, I'm glad I could be of service." The brunette bowed his head and gave a shy smile. But William was growing restless standing up, feeling the need to get moving again. He found it most effective to think and chat when he was walking; he had done so many times with Julia. "Perhaps you'd like to join me for a stroll." It was before he had heard the last comment and when he did hear that, Murdoch did a double take. His blush colored his whole face, causing him to give a nervous chuckle. The man quickly looked away and started walking a little bit, visually planning out their path. It was too bad he could not do that with the conversations they were having. It made Murdoch emit a small, bitter laugh. He didn't dare say anything, feeling far too awkward to do so. And what could he say? anything would make it sound like he were trying to make a move on James, which he wasn't. Murdoch genuinely hadn't expected the last comment; and what did it mean to James? He couldn't have possibly meant Murdoch, right? The thought excited Murdoch to no end bu the knew that it couldn't be him. They barely knew each other, and all Murdoch could detect from James was light amusement and hesitance. Not exactly affection; barely. Murdoch found the confidence to say something, feeling as though the awkward silence was beginning to choke the life out of him. "Uh, well, I hope you find that person," was all the brunette was able to squeak out. His eyes were wide, his pupils dilated. He didn't make eye contact, rather made sure his eyes were trained perfectly in front of him. His heart rate had spiked, hearing his heart to thump loudly in his ears. Murdoch knew that he was overreacting; overthinking. But could he help it? Well, yes, but this was too much of a coincidence.

The detective continued on his way, making sure to stay on path and at a steady pace. His arms were locked behind him, and he willed his cheeks to calm down. He had to pull through; he had been in much worse situations than this, he could handle this...right? Murdoch wasn't the best in social situations, so he wasn't sure of himself. He could very well open his mouth and the words be completely opposite of what he wanted to say. If Murdoch wanted to speak, which he did, the words had to be nonchalant, yet planned meticulously. "If it means anything to you, I didn't have any aspirations at all, really. I knew that I wanted to be a scientist and for a while, I was. But it wasn't exciting." Murdoch paused, feeling as though what he was saying wasn't doing much. But it filled the silence, so Murdoch kept going. "It didn't give me any rush, and it didn't make me.. happy. I never felt satisfied at the end of the day. I can't tell you why I became a detective, because I don't recall if there was ever a really crowning moment for me." His eyes glazed over as he spoke his next words wistfully, "but it felt right." Murdoch realized the error of his words too late, and didn't know what to do to fix it. "Not that, uh, it felt right to become a murderer. Or maybe it did." It came out weak, embarrassing Murdoch. "I, uh, um." William stopped talking, looking at the ground. "Sorry, that was out of my place to say anything like that." He continued avoiding eye contact, his tone apologetic. Hopefully Gillies would accept his mediocre apology.

[Spock and Kirk]

✄•••••••••••𝔍𝔞𝔪𝔢𝔰 𝔊𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔦𝔢𝔰
"I don't suffer from Insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"
[25 | Male | Homosexual | Broken, Reflective | tagged; Murdoch ]

xxx I felt as though the distance between the detective and myself was getting to be crushing. It was like I was between two walls that were slowly getting closer and closer. Between that and my pounding heart It was getting harder to breathe. I closed my eyes for a second when I saw the detective turn away after offering to go for a stroll, and there was no way that I could refuse. I felt as though there were some kind of a beacon attacked to the detective that compelled me to follow his movements. Tracking every single little motion that he made while this close to me. I felt as open as I had the first time that i had ever set foot on a stage, as though I had opened the hatch to my mind revealing everything that there was to know about me. In a way I think that I had, only one other person had known that I had actually considered my play acting more than just a hobby that I enjoyed in my spare time. My father had only thought that I was doing backstage work, building and setting up the lighting systems. It was just positioning and what not that was awfully easy. Despite my confession there was an elephant in the room, there was something between the detective and I that neither of us were going to say. I have an inkling that it wont be said for a very long time. I finally allowed my lightning stuck body to begin moving again, it was like I was in some kind of a shock while I was standing locked with the Detective. There was a lot going on in my mind and I believe that he was having the same issue, he felt the need to want to walk rather than being in one place at a time. Perhaps it helped him try to process everything that the world had thrown at him. It was always a lot to take in a bunch of new information and try to retain it let alone trying to piece together that information to try to make sense of what it was. It was like getting a dictionary in another language and being asked to translate a phrase into english without the crucial knowledge that one needed in order to piece together all of the individual words. However that was some of the fun of detective work, it was the game. Putting every single little thing together in a way that made sense, in the way that would lead someone to their place behind bars. Most of the time it is where they belonged, note most of the time. It was not uncommon for innocent people to get put in prison while guilty persons got away scot-free. That was part of the excitement that came with the game . Besides what would a game be without something on the line?

xxxIt was nice to see that the Detective was not too surprised by my confession of my wanting to be a thespian. It was a breath of fresh air to know that for someone it wasn't a huge surprise. I suppose it hadn't been to Robert, but he had known me intimately for quite some time. When you spend that much time studying together trying to get over an animosity that had stemmed from both of us being jealous of the others mental capacity. I feel as though it had worked quite well, instead of us being at odds with each other. I have a feeling that the relationship between the detective and I was one in the same. The two of us were equals and I suppose the only way to get his attention previously was to position myself right in the middle of the investigation. That is the tactic that I have been using for the past little while anyways, leaving little things at the crime scene that traced their way back to me. All for the sake of a few minutes alone with Detective Murdoch. Which these days has become a commodity. Unless of course you are tied to one of the cases in some way or another. It was surprisingly easy to remain one step ahead of the constabulary, they were always so slow when approaching a case. "It would be an honour" I finally responded even if the two of us had already started walking at a brisk pace. I felt the wind begin to chip away at me and I felt myself shiver slightly trying to adjust to the new change in temperature. "You are the first one in a long time who is not surprised by my confession" I felt myself smile in return. My body still seemed to radiate with heat when I thought about the Detective but actually smiling at me, maybe the elephant in the room was getting a little bit larger. I knew how I felt about him, but I didn't know how he felt about me. I am sure that he was repulsed by the thought of seeing another Man as one would a woman. Being in a relationship, looking each other in the eyes, walking arm in arm, holding hands and heaven forbid actually kissing. But that was highly unlikely for someone as much of a devout catholic as Murdoch to think of me in that way. He would not ever even consider me as a partner for his detective work let alone have a romantic interest in me. "I.. I think that I have already found him" I almost whispered. But I did want the detective to hear me. I suppose if I were a woman he would think of it as flirting, and maybe he would pick up on it. But I have a feeling like he won't think of it as anything other than a compliment. One laced with some emotion that he was unable to decipher.

xxx I followed a little bit behind the detective, I felt as though he were the sun and I a lowly planet that needed to keep my distance for fear of burning up in all its splendour. I suppose that it was partially true in a sense. He was making my cheeks sport a new red blush that I had not been counting on appearing. I heard his comments about his own life walk, how much he spent trying to figure things out and its similar to me trying to figure my own life out. however I feel I could learn so much being by his side. If he does some how pick up on how I truly feel for him I don't know if I could spend all of this time with him without the elephant trying to sit on me. What would happen? Would he care for me in return? I cannot say, nor does keeping the question at the front of my mind repeating it over and over again bring forth any new answers. It only solidifies my insanity that seemed to surround me at all times the need to pursue the same thing over and over again with the same approach expecting a different result. For once my game had changed, rather than being on the wrong side of the law I was actually trying something new. It was very possible that I could be getting over my insanity, but its highly unlikely. Ive always used ways to hide it to those who didn't know where to look. "It probably did because- because you are spectacular at it." I was tempted to go on and on about every single little thing that I admired about the detective. It was a strange act of self . I really do have a million things to say to him but not a way to do so. I took his comment and chewed it a little bit. "If its any consultation Detective you aren't wrong. I-I cant explain it but i don't feel any remorse for what I had done. I found enjoyment in hearing the bullet go off knowing that my device had worked." I felt my genuine insanity beginning to worm its way into my mind. When I had thought that my condition was beginning to get better, it came crawling back as though nothing had changed. "No Detective, I really don't mind. Its only the truth." I did enjoy it, I cannot conceal that. It seems much too difficult for me to try to pull the wool over the Detective's eyes. He knows pretty well what I am, there is no use in trying to hide it.

-- Sorry this is so late. I've been super creatively drained for the last little bit.