What NOT To Say To a Newbie

[φ acute φ]

You can't. <<<<< Duh
What does the little orange/white-ish page thingy next to "by username" stand for?

[kataratakaran]

The coming of armageddon!

where can i buy bacon on this site?!

[φ acute φ]

In the bathroom -it's right next to the pound.
How do I become Tess's and Nick's BFFL?

[Lixi]

Follow them around on the forum posting wherever they post, spamming threads with expressions of your adoration. c:

What is a forum skin?

[φ acute φ]

The skin of the forum XD
How do I talk to my pets?

[Lixi]

Get a telephone, and dial the numbers for the letters chickensmoothie.

Where do I find the smileys?

[Mudwiggles]

In the box under Voldermort's bed. They're all cousin's of his and that's why they don't have noses!
Not even this guy -
He has a goatee, but no nose.

Where can I find or make my wishlist?

[Baylo]

mail a letter to Santa Claus

how do I put items on my pets?

[moon gem]

play dress up dugh

how do i adopt a pet

[aBisto]

you have to complete a form... I'm sorry it's so long and boring, but they're not going to give out pets to everyone, are they? O.o
It's a form per pet, btw.

what's the archive?