by gotsalt? » Mon Jan 30, 2012 2:43 am
Now for some Steven Wright one-liner quotes.
1. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
2. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
3. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me
-- and I didn't hear it.
4. He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
5. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into
another dimension.
6. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
7. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New
York.
8. I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
9. I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
10. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
11. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
12. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
13. It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
14. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
15. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for
a satellite picture.
16. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
17. Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
18. What's another word for Thesaurus?
19. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
19. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
20. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
21. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.
22. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."
23. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.
24. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
25. I invented the cordless extension cord.
26. Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
27. Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the
wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
28. I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody
calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages
before the beep.
29. I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
30. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
31. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a
book mark and flew across the room.
32. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are
furious!
33. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman
in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
34. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill,
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
35. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
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salt, jess, or jay
she/her
bi demisexual
memer to the extremer
multifandom trash
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