☽ αиυвιѕ яιѕєи ☾ Discussion and Forms

[Todd.]

Also @~KingBuster~ since you asked, I’ll give you my opinion on things… I went on to re-read all your posts and I guess this is my attempt to try and figure out what is actually happening around.

To begin with, you suffer from something that other members of this RP do as well, and that would be joining with a wolf that is apparently new to the pack. This… wouldn’t exactly be a problem, but Dove does have a high position and is Lead Huntress, so even if Drogo is reckless and he does act out on a whim and doesn’t really takes time to think things over, the other wolves with high positions until then have at least mentioned they were present before or they do have some general awareness of what is going on. The thing is that in your very first post you mention her hopes on meeting new wolves because she was new to the pack…

I mean, this can also be something that annoys me and only me, and this may also be something only I do, but whenever I join a role-play I read all of the forms posted and also read over everything that happened in the rp so far so I can… know what I can do and where I can jump in and what is going on. I… Again, this might just be something I do, but in your first post you deliberately ignored all other actions and went to assign hunting groups. Okay. Lead Huntress, makes sense, the thing is there already was a hunting group out and their latest post was literally above mine, so it was the very second post above yours first. Had you scrolled through the page you would see it. But it’s okay. It’s your first rp, I get it.

Your second post… uh, okay. Dove seems to be thinking that Dawn doesn’t likes her, but man, do you see that you had just joined and didn’t engage in interactions with anyone nor did speak to anyone and just came up and considered they disliked her? Also, was she there with them? Because Dawn and the others only began bringing the boars over to camp WAAAAY past that. So I did sense a lil’ bit of powerplay, plus the lack of markings and signs of what was a thought and what was an action also made me somewhat confused? For a moment I just thought you forgot which person you were writing with and from third to first, but then you mentioned that was a thought… but hey, that was just… shoved there in the middle of the post with nothing to separate those words from the rest of the narration. Plus, Dove didn’t need to get past any warriors other than her own pack’s to go and catch a hare. Seriously, there is NO POINT AT ALL, to cross the border just to hunt a friggin’ hare, much less alone.

And there there is this post, almost right after the hare talk:


Dove smells another wolfs scents coming near her, wait that wasn't one of her pack dogs scent it was a lone wolfs scent! Somehow a lone wolf must have gotten into her packs territory! Dove checks the territory lines.



Okay, I know how annoying it is to join a role-play and not have a few interactions right away, but from what I saw… you barely gave anyone a choice to actually answer you and immediately engaged in solo activities. This included. ‘Another wolf’s scents coming near her’, okay, I get you might want to come up with an NPC to interact or something, and I’m assuming that’s what you did since you literally tagged no one and just mentioned a lone wolf where there were absolutely no posts of lone-wolf’s between your last post and this one. And then we get to page 23 where you made something we actually consider spam, which is posting continuously before receiving an answer. If you had given @Riddick some time to answer, I guess they would have, after all you were talking to their character… and then you simply were not.

And then you say she didn’t find him because he wasn’t on his usual place and she went into the woods to find him. Dude, on his previous post (which was on the previous page, mind you) he was there in camp talking to Drogo. I… he wasn’t missing at any points. He was there the entire time, so a tip for you, if you wanna interact with a character, know the basics about him. Know where he was at last, where he is now. It’s super easy to do it, just type in the character’s name into the ‘Search this topic’ box and hit enter, there, you’ll have all the posts where this character’s name was mentioned pop up. Usually we use their names as headers, so you’ll probably find their latest post this way.

And then you simply RUN into Blackblood territory deliberately, I mean, Rumour and Sebastian weren’t past the border at any moment, for all means they were inside their own pack’s… Dove simply gets startled out of nowhere and runs into BB’s site and, man, over the two brutes? You post again, and she is begging for them to let her pass, and… dude, pass where? You literally invaded their land and is begging to let you pass? That doesn’t makes sense at all? Not even five minutes pass and you post again giving them actions that they didn’t make. That is something we call God-Modding, it’s when you give other character’s actions that their owners didn’t write up. Tbh, it’s super annoying when other player writes what we did before we actually wrote it. It shows you lacked the respect to allow them to answer for themselves.

But hey, then she just… got up and ran? Further into their territory? At this point Dove is contradicting herself, running off while thinking she could befriend the enemy?



[size=150]~Dove~
~Female~Anubis~LeadHunter~Mate:None~



Dove hesitates in agony, she licks her chops, she can't betray her friends, family, her pack She lies and tells the brutes that Alpha is planning a great hunt soon, this way she conceals her packs secrets. She looks at one of the brutes light blue eyes and she feels like she can relate to this wolf, he may be aggressive and assertive but he is sensitive and he can be thoughtful. what can she do now she can't let her feelings get in her way.



The post above, I seriously have no idea what she is thinking, what she is talking and what you simply inked in as aesthetic. It lacks anything that marks talking as talking, thoughts or actions. Since you were not using “This” or – This – or any other kind of signs to show anything and were instead using colour to paint in random spots, I… well, I got confused and had no idea of what was going on.



~Dove~
~Female~Anubis~LeadHunter~Mate:None~

Dove stares blankly into the black wolfs yellow eyes, she cannot believe this. Blackbloods are outrageous, they made Dove feel so frustrated, why can't they just let me go. She pulls away nimbly from the lighter wolf, and shakes herself. One thing that will not happen tonight is that she will let her pack down.



Because you invaded their territory? I wouldn’t let you go either.



~Dove~
~Female~Anubis~LeadHunter~Mate:None~




Dove knew something was up with the light pelted wolf, why was he acting kind, after all he was the one who knocked her down. But really, she had no idea what Alpha was planning. She broke the silence and told them she really had no idea what Alpha was planning to do.. suddenly her ears flicker and she hears another animal approaching the 3 wolves



Uh, he… wasn’t acting kind? He was being… sarcastic. I mean, it’s clear. But okay, I guess Dove is naïve, she had shown this trait quite intensively so far so I’ll buy it. The thing that is annoying me is that she – again – didn’t answer any of their questions and you – once more – went into using a random added fact (this time the animal approach) to apparently escape a situation you didn’t know how to deal with? The next post brings absolutely nothing new into the game, instead you just mention again that something is coming. AND THEN BOOM. You wait until they begin moving to bring a friggin MOOSE into the game. A Moose, mind you, that struck Dove. I’m a veterinarian, and I know this is a game and it should be fun, but Dove should be dead.

The entire moose situation bothered me a lot… because no way on earth three wolves would be able to take down a full grown male Moose, much less when one of the wolves is already injured, but okay. I get it. Artistic freedom and what not. But hey, she is pouring blood the entire time and she keeps talking back to them and I have no idea what is going through her mind? Like, at this point I’m beginning to think Dove is just… dumb, or desperate… or both. She keeps contradicting herself as well. Also, wow, the blood just… rivers from her, I know, ‘rivers from her’ doesn’t exist, but it’s pouring so heavily from what you’re mentioning… that she should have at least been feeling very dizzy right now, fainting, but no. She just… licks up the blood to relieve the pain.


~Dove~
~Female~Anubis~LeadHunter~Mate:None~Tags:Sebastian/Rumour


Dove noticed the three were walking towards the blackblood pack and that Rumour stuck out with his orange fur, she thought to herself, how is Rumour able to hunt with his bright (almost obnoxiously colored) pelt? Sebastian, on the other hand, looked so tired and sore as if he took down every moose that ever existed, she almost felt sorry for the burly wolf. Dove took a break and she was licking the blood off of her pelt as she noticed that Rumour was almost glaring at her. Without hesitating, she got up on her sore legs and asked what the 2 wolves wanted. Maybe she could hatch a plan



I… have no idea what is going on here. I have a guess though that you probably never read over the wolf’s forms and I also have this feeling you saw him mentioning at some point certain things and you’re just copying them. Like the wolf’s appearances, also back with the adrenaline thing. It’s okay, you don’t have to know about the adrenaline thing, most kids don’t (I’m guessing you’re fairly young, not that this matters) but HEY… alright. It’s okay. And then she… just… Dude. She is in NO POSITION to ask them what they want, she is in their territory. She is the invader. SHE IS IN THE WRONG.

AND THEN COMES THE CHERRY



~Dove~
~ Female ~ Anubis ~ Lead Hunter ~ 2 years old ~ Tags: Sebastian & Rumour ~



Dove contained her self confidence and manners while contacting the Black blood pack. She was now in the proximity of the alpha as she sat in her spot, surprisingly more content than frightened. Rumour spoke that she was in Black blood territory and said other things which only led from a glare from Dove, although it is impolite she almost ignored everything Rumour said and she told the alpha that she was no where near the borderline of the two packs, and if anything she was still in the exposure of Anubis pack territory. She also added, "If I may also add in my pack and many packs that have common sense there shouldn't be a hunter and warrior in the same spot discussing and distracted with each, because after all they have different duties, responsibilities, and roles for the pack." She hoped this was enough to have Rumour and Sebastian think twice next time before babbling their big mouths in front of their own pack.



DUDE SHE DID. She ran straight into BB territory. SHE DID, okay? And I’m not going to review things after this post, because I seriously – in White’s place or anyone’s – would consider nothing after this exists because of incoherencies. Okay, it’s your first RP. Lemme help you. Read over your posts again, see what you did and accept your faith. Dove is screwed, that’s what is happening here. Sorry for sounding rough, it’s not my intention to be mean at any times. I’m just straight-forwards and think it’s not useful to sugarcoat anything and waste my time doing so.

What I can tell you, a way to fix this would be to knock of this act. This entire thing. Or let them discover that hey, she has been lying all along. All it takes is send any wolf to follow their tracks and they’ll just figure where Dove entered their pack. Also… We have plots going on, and seriously Dove just… entering their territory in the middle of the plot is kinda ruining it? I mean, she just spread chaos and if you notice nothing she did will help her.

On White’s position – and Lillian’s position – I wouldn’t accept her into the pack and would leave her to bleed to death, because so far all Dove showed is that she is untrustworthy and volatile, so much she is eagerly trying to trade facts she doesn’t have or wouldn’t be capable of having since she left way before Drogo’s announcements. @KingBuster, just… be chill man. Relax, take time to read over people’s answers and the current situation. Also, please keep using quote markings to sign when she is talking, because this really HELPED with the last posts. I also recommend you use italics for thoughts instead of just leaving them in the text and painting them randomly in green.

Now as for Dove’s future, stop pushing, ‘kay? I… get it if it’s the character. If it is, I’ll be fine with it, and I find it amusing that she is just as reckless and sly as Crow himself, because that sounds like something he’d do. Deceive. Care for himself and not the pack… and yet, it’s extremely contradictory to a wolf that was – until now – thinking that betraying Anubis was the worst thing ever. Anyway, if you need help, we can help. Just ask what you can do to get out of this grave and we’ll help, but… seriously, I wouldn’t continue down the path you’re going.
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[ordinary people]

[Spirit De Luna]

You weren't kidding about a long post o_O


@everyone there is a HUGE storm brewing now, and cracks of lightning and thunder are encouraged!! the storm is going to play a part in the war coming, just a heads up -eyebrow wiggle-

Though there are a couple plots for drama in play right now (they are epic I promise, i have a couple people in here helping me with it) Other bits of drama are encouraged. If it's a BIG drama plot please pm me first, and feel free to bring your ideas to me.
Though I created this rp, I want it to be as much yours as it is mine.

[Todd.]

I... might have gotten carried away.

But felt good xP

[catmaid]

hey @todd. , could i get some criticism too if you can? it's my first roleplay after a long time of not rp'ing and i'd like to see if i'm doing anything wrong,,

[StoneColdRiddik]

Ha the moose thing i have ptsd about that.
I just kinda...took that ball and ran with it

[Todd.]

hey @todd. , could i get some criticism too if you can? it's my first roleplay after a long time of not rp'ing and i'd like to see if i'm doing anything wrong,,

Sure thing ^^ I do kinda have to answer you in game now as well xP so I might take a lil' longer to get the rp answer down. But from what I've been reading you were all good o w o

@Riddick your poor soul.

[catmaid]

aaaa i don't want to burden you,,
it's okay if you take your time, i don't mind!

[Todd.]

Okay @henshinn, lemme begin with I loved the way you actually began your roleplaying with Viento. Seriously, that is a good way to start solo and to seek interactions from there. It’s not pushy and it’s fairly open for various ways of continuing, be it actually catching the prey and bringing it back or running into someone on the way – literally or not – of catching the hare. Since that very beginning you had pretty descriptive posts.

They had always been well written and you can easily catch what’s going on with the boy as soon as you read the post. One thing that annoyed me a little is the repetition of words, but this is hard to overcome and quite annoying too.

I guess what might help would be to type out the posts in word and go with the ‘synonyms’ tab to find ways of making the text more fluid and a little easier to read. Repeating yourself isn’t bad, but if you use certain words too much, you might end up with a post that is slow to progress in terms of reading. I am to blame for this sin as well, won’t deny it xP

A slightly ‘bad’ thing I caught was within the first posts was the fact that I didn’t exactly know where Viento was, I mean, I had a feeling he was away from camp already… but then Dawn’s post kind of brought him back into being at camp, so… I guess White could always have mistakenly placed him closer to the camp as well, but oh well. Either way, that is a point of improvement you could go after, specially since your posts are already descriptive. Adding more about where your character is is not required, but would add more to your posts ^^

Over the hunting posts, and the beginning of all to be honest, whenever reading over Viento’s posts I get that naiveness feeling. It’s kinda cute, to be honest, and I adore it. The one thing I’m missing from him is the ‘cheerful’ side of his personality, which was in his form. Now, I totally get that characters do – sometimes – show themselves differently form what he originally planed (at least mine do) so I don’t actually mind his change in persona. Plus, I love this… rather calm aura that comes from him and I won’t deny, his thoughts make me laugh.

And in all honesty, that one failure with the hare… that was awesome, not only did you give him some extra sense of reality showing no one is perfect with his failure, but it also gave him some doubts which were quite funny to read. During the hunt we could get more of that cheerful persona though. Me like it. It also did present something that annoyed me a little and was the fact that they went after Boars. This is not your fault though and it was probably caused by general naiveness, but… I don’t know if you guys know, Boars are hard game.

They’re considered one of the hardest hunting games for man (and we have rifles) because of their massive size and power or destruction. I mean, a wolf and a man weigh around the same-ish on average. A boar… weighs a LOT more, plus their skin is really thick so it’s hard to actually damage those kiddos… and then we have fangs in powerful jaws. I could easily compare a boar to a train coming right at you. It doesn’t stops, the hooves are really sharp and so are the fangs and they are EXTREMELY aggressive.

In all honesty, I guess it would take more than four wolves to deal with an entire family of wild boars. Y’see, white pigs are huge and look a lot like boars, their skin is somewhat sensitive and teeth smaller and yet they do strike up some manage when annoyed, a boar… is an armored pig with a tank filled of anger. They’d probably eat the wolves instead of the other way around… and they actually do, pigs and boars are omnivorous, if they find a corpse they will eat it. But then, again, this is not your fault xP

I can see you just played along.

Due to artistic freedom, I… just let that all go. Not happy with it, but okay. The way back was good, yup. I guess this is all? You’re coming back great from your time without rping ^^ And I’m glad to know you xP Iike your style and sure am excited to rp with yah o w o

[~kingbuster~]

@Todd. Thanks for the constructive criticism i will use the information to improve on my future responses!

Sorry btw, I seem realllllyyyyy bad at rping XD