some things you can't go back to

[loulou800]

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age: twenty-two | role: Scavenger | location: the front porch | mood: giddy, worried | tagged: Quinn, Andy, River, (Hunter)
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Olivia grinned at Quinn's very Quinn-like answer. To have her on this raid would help a ton. Perhaps she was rather biased towards her, because the older lady seemed to have taken a liking to her, but Quinn really knew what she was doing out in the field. Olivia found her to be very reliable in her skills, and she could easily fend off a walker, no problem. The way that she carried herself was filled with confidence, and even the way that she simply stood there against the railing radiated some sort of strength; a strength that Olivia could only ever hope to achieve. It was likely due to her perseverance and confidence to know that she could battle against anything that made Olivia admire her. A ton of people had stumbled out of this virus catastrophe alive, but barely hanging on. Thoughts of loved ones that had since passed, and nightmares of walkers often caused people to drive themselves to sadness or insanity, and one could easily find themselves in a position where they felt that they had nothing to live for. When Olivia thought about Quinn, she didn't know anything about her backstory; she was pretty tight-lipped about that. But she knew that she came to the group alone, just like the others, but the way that she carried herself was hard and cold; kind of like Charlie but in a more hardened way. Clearly, something had happened to her in her past that probably emphasized those parts of her personality, and she took those bits and turned it into something constructive; into something that turned into the will to survive. Olivia thought that she carried those personality traits, but her heart was weakened by the loss of her family, and the missing element of her brother. By holding herself up to the kind of mindset that Quinn did, perhaps she'd be even tougher than she was now. Maybe that was why she hung around Quinn when she could, because she learned a lot about herself when she was simply in her presence.

While she also waited for Hunter's announcement that they were going to set off on the raid, her eyes spied Andy and River down by the gravel path beyond the barns, and she found her eyes narrowing. They seemed to be having some sort of tense conversation, and she wondered what they were talking about. She couldn't see it very well, as they were kind of far off, but she noticed that Andy was doing something funky with her foot, and she wondered if perhaps she had sprained it or something, during her morning walk. It was when she saw the pair of them get close, that her jaw dropped-- that closeness that they shared couldn't have been anything else other than a kiss! Oh my gosh! Olivia thought, her open mouth turning into an overwhelming smile. What?! Olivia grinned, sitting up before deciding to stand, leaning against the railing as her eyes tried to adjust to the scene before her. She wondered if anyone else saw what was happening, because she needed someone to freak out to. Since when! Have they always liked each other?! Her thoughts were running at eighty miles an hour, and she looked around to her porch mates, who seemed to be minding their own business. Well, Olivia would've minded her own business too, but this was Andy she was talking about, her closest thing to family in this place, and River, one of the people that she considered a friend here. If Joe were here, she would've screamed and freaked out at him, and would've probably shaken him until his screws came loose. She always thought that Joe had a thing for Andy, and that Andy had a thing for Joe, how would he react in this situation?!

Regardless of reacting, the smile didn't leave Olivia's face as she found herself running over to the pair, slowing down a bit so they could continue to have their moment. She teetered over to the two, who were now wrapped in a deep embrace. The way that she approached them was very much like a Golden Retriever, wanting to get in-between their owners so they could get love and attention, too. "Hey, you two. I just saw..." she grinned, before her smile dropped, noticing the look of despair and sadness on their faces. Olivia was just about to rejoice and tease them both, but seeing their expressions made her brow furrow in worry. "... what's wrong, is everything okay?" she asked, blinking as she looked at the two. Maybe the happiness would have to wait.

[skydust]

ＪＵＤＥ ＦＯＳＴＥＲ

location: living room/porch | role: scavenger | tags: Reed, Julian

Gawking as he tapped her on her shoulder, her facial expression quickly morphed into irritation as he walked away. Only giving Julian a quick smile as a goodbye, she turned around hastily after Reed. Quickly making her way to him, she sidestepped and then tapped him twice on the shoulder when passing him mockingly. “I don’t want you there, you need to be there. That’s why I came and got you because it’s almost time to leave,” she said scrunching her nose up sarcastically. She made her way back onto the porch just in time for her to hear Quinn ask if they were going to leave. She looked at Reed pointedly in an I told you so sort of way, then adjusted her bag as she waited for the announcement from Hunter that they would leave soon.

She was glad that she had calmed down a bit. Reeds teasing, as much as she hated to admit it, calmed her a little. It made her focus on something else besides her tidal wave of emotions she had been stuffing down for months. She took another deep breath and let the morning air fill her lungs. As much as she hated thunderstorms, the air afterwards always left her feeling refreshed. It reminded her of springtime and everything that came with it. Playing with her little sister in the yard while the snow melted and all the animals came out. Helping her dad out with his projects he would do when he got home from work. Finally having an excuse to eat ice cream. It had always been her favorite season. Now she just faced the day as it was. Not really looking forward to anything, only hoping to survive. She used to be so bitter about how her life had turned out. Maybe she still was, but much less then in the beginning when everything happened. She would go over the day when she couldn't find anyone in her family over and over again. It left her always wondering, why me? Why us? Why now?

Her attention was briefly captured by Olivia as she made her way to Andy and River. Wonder what that's about? Jude didn't know much about the deaf medic. She knew that they sometimes associated with the same people, and she knew she was kind of withdraw, but otherwise she didn't really know her all that well. She'd only conversated with her a few times, and didn't really get much out of it. She liked being alone anyways, or something. She bit her lip. What a mess Jude had turned out to be.

[fun]

b

[welter]

█│⸙║ ── 𝐑 𝐈 𝐕 𝐄 𝐑 ─ ⚜ ─────────────── ─ ─ ─ ─ ─╶╶╶

Cruel fear seized River's heart as Andy stiffened underneath her touch. Had she made a mistake? It had been a move born out of desperation, but she couldn't bring herself to truly regret it. She wanted Andy to know how she felt about her, even if it ended in rejection and her having to piece her heart back together into something slightly lopsided resembling the original. Then Andy actually kissed her back. All coherent thought seemed to leak out of her mind, leaving behind only bright white light, and if only for a brief, fleeting moment, she could forget how awful the world beyond this bubble was. Only she and Andy remained, careless and intoxicated by emotion as two young adults should have been. Frankly, River wanted to begin crying again, this time out of relief. She had been so afraid, terrified, that Andy would shove her away, tell her she was being foolish, leave her broken by the side of the road. But she should have known that Andy, the woman who was practically condensed sunlight even in her darkest hour, could never have done that to her, whether she felt the same or not. And right then, River was quite certain she did. The soft caress of Andy's hands against her cheeks swept away her tears, and with them, the weight of the world.
indentIt made it all the more difficult to return to reality. River had to muster every ounce of strength and willpower she had from her flushed cheeks to her trembling knees to not chase after Andy as she pulled away. Her fingers remained tangled in the collar of Andy's jacket as she held her face in return. She didn't want to, couldn't, let go just yet. Not that she could see herself wanting to ever let go, but if she could have a mere moment longer, maybe she could find the strength to. Would it have been so impossible to stay like this? Her eyes opened hesitantly, coaxed by the chance to see Andy's blue eyes again, even if the heavy feeling returning to the pit of her stomach reminded her that problems weren't resolved with a kiss beyond stories, and the painful part would be far from over. But this... it had given her the willpower to face it all again. She would not let go of Andy without a fight.

The pain shining through those blue eyes locked onto hers made River's stomach twist itself into knots. The thought of Andy hurting her like that was inconceivable. Even after all the sickening cruelty she had witnessed in the world after the outbreak, it should have been impossible. Andy may have held her heart in her hands at that very moment, but River refused to believe she could have ever summoned up the cruelty to crush it, much less fulfill the fears she was laying out before them. It may have been illogical, but her mind refused to explore a reality where the impossibly warm woman standing before her could ever have turned into anything resembling one of the monsters shambling beyond the perimeter of their camp. But even then, Andy was pummeling her with questions she didn't have answers to. She wanted to, but she didn't know. And she didn't want to think about the what ifs. They would find the antibiotics they needed, because they had to. Hunter would come through. There was no alternative.
indentUnderneath the petrifying weight of her lack of answers, River remained silent, acknowledging the dreadful realities of their situation with nothing more than a shaky nod, and when Andy pulled her in, she let herself be enveloped by her, sinking into the embrace without a second thought. She buried her face in the crook of Andy's neck, and not before long, she was crying shamelessly. Andy made her feel safe; safe to cry if she needed to. Safe to laugh openly and carelessly. River wanted to pretend they would be alright. A while longer.

Once Andy finally withdrew herself, it was far too soon for River. She felt cold without Andy's arms around her, and for a single anguished moment, she wondered whether she could ever feel warm again without them. Without her. But she quickly came to realize why Andy had ended their embrace when she followed her line of sight back towards the house, only to see Olivia standing next to them. River hastily swept at her face, all the while unconvinced it would have made any difference whether her face was tear-stained or not. The smile she attempted to build on her face felt broken, and so she dropped the effort, crossing her arms tightly over her chest to act as a pathetic barrier. She couldn't bring herself to look the girl in the eyes, opting to stare at her own shoes instead.
indentRiver was hopeless at following conversations, but she could guess at what was about to happen without ever needing to look at either of them. Both she and Andy had known that Olivia would have to find out eventually, and River had a feeling it was time for her to find out. She had hoped it wouldn't have needed to be so soon, but arguably, any time would have been far too soon. None of this should have been happening. Even then, it seemed to be the right thing to do; if she would truly have to entertain the terrifying possibility of their efforts failing, then Olivia deserved to hear about it from Andy herself before— well, before it happened. She glanced up briefly to see Andy reaching out to Olivia, and the stubborn tears welled up again only to roll down her cheeks. She bit the inside of her lip and held down a sob so harshly that her throat burned.


location; evil gravel — tagging; Andy, Olivia — mentioned; Hunter — wc; 972

[loulou800]

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age: twenty-two | role: Scavenger | location: gravel path | mood: upset | tagged: Andy, River, (Hunter)
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The look on Andy's face didn't exactly console Olivia in the slightest. It was pained, and tears threatened to leak from her eyes. She looked more pale than usual, and her usual smile didn't grace her face as it usually did when she talked with her. She wondered if it was wrong of her to have stepped in, but what the heck, she thought that they were sharing a happy moment! And she had witnessed this happy moment of a kiss, and wanting to join in their happiness, and bug them (mainly Andy) about how long they'd been feeling this electric surge towards the other. Now it was as if death had loomed over their faces, and a heavy burden had collapsed on their chest, making it seem like they were anything but happy. What was going on for them to have looked so distraught? Looking at River, her expression was the same, except it was quite obvious that she'd been crying. She tried to wipe away the tears from her face, as if that would prevent Olivia from asking any questions-- it was going to do the opposite, where she'd ask even more questions. She then avoided her gaze, choosing to look at her shoes instead. Olivia's brows continued to be furrowed as she looked back at Andy, a million questions raised on her very concerned face.

Finally, Andy opened up her mouth, holding a smile that didn't reach her eyes. Fake, that smile's fake, Olivia thought. She's about to lie to me, or tell me something really bad. Her stomach felt dread coming on as she could see Andy try to contemplate what to say. What could be so bad that would cause her to cry, and for River to cry? Andy was a tough girl, she was best friends with her brother for goodness' sakes. She had only ever seen her cry, what, two times maybe in her lifetime? And usually when she was upset, it didn't last for super long, and she always came up with something to say afterwards that would make everybody laugh, and the sad event would be forgotten. Olivia fingers started to move anxiously within themselves, unsure if she was ready to hear about what was going to be said. It was too late for her to leave, though, as she had foolishly planted herself in this position.

The wind blew through Olivia's stray hairs slightly as she listened to what Andy had to say. It was as if someone dropped an anchor in the pit of her stomach and ripped out her heart in the process-- it was all in one go, and it was swift and it was easy. No pain. It was too quick for pain. Just shock. Like a quick slit across the throat by your best friend as they held your hand. Betrayal? Relief of the truth? A bit of both.

Olivia stepped back as Andy tried to reach for her cheek, her eyes burning with anger, sadness, and a little bit of guilt-- guilt for not having realized it sooner. "Don't," she said, her voice firm. She had just assumed that Andy had sprained an ankle, or something. Who the hell could tell with her smiling and spewing jokes all the time? And why did River know before she did? Was it because she was a medic? Did Charlie know, then? Who else knew? Why was she left in the dark? Andy, the one piece of familiarity that she had in this place, was someone that she knew that she could 1000% trust. For her to not have told her anything was like being stabbed in the back. If she hadn't approached them at this moment, was it possible that Andy wouldn't have told her until the last minute? "Were... were you not gonna tell me or something?" she asked, her voice now wavering as tears threatened to spill their way down her freckled cheeks. She refused to cry, she wouldn't. "What the hell, Andy, a couple of weeks ago?" she all but shouted, her voice cracking a little, crossing her arms to her chest. She was aware that people could probably hear, but she didn't care. "What do you mean, 'what should be done'?" She didn't want to hear the answer to that, to be honest, as she knew full well what that probably meant. "And... and what? Just give up?" Olivia was shocked beyond compare. She didn't want medicine? "This all happened weeks ago and you didn't tell me? You were just going to die and have me mourning you on your deathbed because I had no freaking idea?" she hissed in a hushed tone, her eyes shining as the first tear leaked from her eyes. She quickly wiped it away with her sleeve, her body language screaming hurt and pissed. She was twenty-two years, and acting like a spoilt toddler, who kept repeating in her head, This isn't fair, this isn't fair!

Anyone who stumbled upon this scene could tell that yes, Olivia was upset and angry, but it was also like a shipwreck had bloomed maliciously in her chest. She felt sadness; immense sadness. First Joe, and now Andy? Why was the world so messed up? She reacted out of anger as that was her first response to this whole ordeal, but if anyone in this group knew her like how Andy did, they'd know that she was just extremely hurt, and for her to deal with the pain, she had to get angry. Any consoling would probably fall on deaf ears at this moment. She needed some time, but she also needed some answers. None of which Andy had, a thought that ran across her mind that served as a jab in her side.

[bugiscool]

Charlie, Tagged: William

Charlie watched the young boy and his mannerisms. Truly, she thought she was rubbing off on him... which is not always a good thing. The woman was an inspiration for sure but maybe not in her current state. She was loud, pushy, always doing what she wanted, and most importantly bold. That was one trait that still remained with her. She was bold to take up medicine. Bold to think she could graduate school early. Bold to pursue emergency medicine. Bold to excellent in her craft. Bold in life. It seems that her trait was rubbing off on William and Charlie could not help but let a sly grin emerge. However, she quickly put herself back into mom mode. Almost every part of her wanted to shut down his request. She didn't even know if Zachariah would allow it even if she agreed.

Looking at William and his pleading eyes Charlie could not help but give in, only hoping this could be a good lesson for him to learn. She prayed it was not a traumatic lesson though. Maybe a small appearance of a walker or two. Enough to make him uncomfortable while also remaining safe. She gave a sigh, her chest sinking with the release of air. She reached into her boot and pulled out her knife, that was still in its leather pouch. She held it out for him to take. Before he could take it though she pulled it back close to her.

"I agree, you should come with us. However, only on the condition that you listen to me no matter what happens. If I tell you to run you run. I tell you to be quiet I better not be able to hear you breathe." She held out the knife again. "Do you understand me?" She said, using the knife as an agreement, like a signed contract. She was allowing him what he wanted but her mom's voice was very much out and if she were talking to any other child they would be terrified at this point. She hoped William would understand that she is allowing this freedom but only if he was on his best behavior. Anything less could leave him grounded in the camp during future raids. "You stay with me and if you cannot be right by my side you are by other adults. No wandering off. You will see plenty I promise. Understand?"

[kopus]

ＨＵＮＴＥＲ ' ＫＮＯＷＬＥＳ
( location: camp/outside) ( tags: everyone, open )

Conversation came and went between him and some others, brief rundowns of today's raid gone over a handful of times by what felt like a dozen different people, all curious of the things that went on past the camp. It was the same as any other day a raid was about to take place, so he didn't mind much unless keeping up with the small talk slowed down or interrupted the schedule. Hearing Quinn call out, Hunter's eyes bounced in her direction, and he stood from where he'd knelt to double check his pack for missing necessities. Only a minute later, he knew he was ready to hit the road. He blocked out the commotion between survivors, making his way back inside to retrieve his rifle from upstairs. He carried it by the stock on his way back outside, cutting past the others to grab his pack and other necessary things from the porch. As he passed her, he gave Quinn a look to let her know that he was ready to leave.

Heading down the front steps to where his boots touched gravel, he moved toward the barn and corral. The horses they'd take into the city had previously been readied for himself and the others, so all he had to do was tie on one of his smaller sacks to the saddle. Reins in hand, he led the mare he'd be riding from the corral into the yard and mounted, pack and rifle hanging over his shoulder. He adjusted his seating with a shift or two and proceeded to walk the animal closer to those who'd be joining him. He could tell just by looking at them that they were ready to head out, so he gave a gentle nod in their direction. "It's time to go." He said, not too loudly but with a strong enough voice for those around to take notice. "Do me a favor and make sure you have everything you need before heading out. We won't have the time to double back." Then, turning the horse around with a short tug on the reins, he neared the road. He'd of course wait for them, but going ahead was something he always did to look out for any incoming trouble, and it gave them all a minute to pick up their things and get on their horses.

[skydust]

ＪＵＤＥ ＦＯＳＴＥＲ

location: barn | role: scavenger | tags: William, Charlie

Jude rolled her eyes as Reed teased her, her cheeks heating up from embarrassment. Why did she have to be so emotional? Groaning she peeked over at Olivia, River, and Andy again. It looked like the conversation was getting a tiny bit heated. About to make her way over and see if everything was okay, she froze at the sound of Hunters voice. It was time to go on the raid. She hesitantly started walking towards the barn. Her eyes still peeking over at Olivia, Jude took in Hunter's warning and double checked she had everything in her bag. She did. A couple water bottles just in case, her knives for dangers, and of course enough space for anything they found. She also brought along a crowbar if they needed to get into anywhere bordered/locked up. Her nerves about the raid seemed to cause her jitters, and she almost dropped everything as she stumbled on a rock. Her cheeks became even redder, and she quickly straightened hoping no one saw.

Walking into the barn, she peeked over at Seraphina and the baby puppies. She smiled just a little bit at them. They were like a little light in the darkness. Turning her attention away from cute puppies, she went up to a stall and stoked a horses snout, and gently led it outside. It was a light brown horse with white spots speckling its coat, which reminded Jude of freckles. She also saw Charlie and William talking. She silently hoped he wasn’t coming today. She, as much as she didn’t want to admit it, viewed him as almost a little brother. She felt like she needed to protect him from the harshness of the world. But seeing the determined expression on his face, she could already tell he was coming. She waved towards him, grinning at his floppy light brown hair and toothy smile.

“Good morning William. You want to ride with me?” she said softly, interrupting their conversation. She sent a shy wave in Charlie's direction too as a greeting while strapping on a saddle and reins on the brown and white horse. She blew more strands of messy golden hair that had fallen from her ponytail as she did so. Then turned back to William when she was done with a soft grin on her features.

[welter]

█│⸙║ ── 𝐑 𝐈 𝐕 𝐄 𝐑 ─ ⚜ ─────────────── ─ ─ ─ ─ ─╶╶╶

Throat burning from withheld sobs and eyes stinging with tears that seemed to have finally ceased, River watched Andy drop to the gravel in a way that nearly made her flinch. It was clumsy, and above all, looked unpleasant. River wiped her face again, and couldn't help the eyebrow that quirked up in intrigue before she understood what Andy was doing. The fear that had painfully twisted inside of her chest and shown itself as bitter tears was fading in favor of deep-rooted nausea — not borne out of seeing the admittedly gruesome wound, she had seen far too much and far more worse to be nauseated at the sight, but because the wound was on Andy. And it was killing her. It made everything terrifyingly real, not that it hadn't already been with the mere knowledge of it all. Suck it up, River, there are people who need you.
indentinRiver knelt down on the gravel with perhaps a little too much haste and not enough thought for the rough terrain. The harsh stones prodded at her through the fabric of her jeans, but it was secondary to the discomfort seeing Andy in this state caused her. Was she even trying to take care of herself? Thinking about it, it wasn't surprising she had insisted on dressing the wound herself. River held her leg gently by the knee, turning it to better see what they were dealing with. As much as it went against her instincts to not ask for permission, she had an inkling that Andy would say no, just to spare her the trouble. Stupid, considerate, brave Andy. She was hesitant to prod at the flesh that was every other color than it should have been, to cause Andy even more pain, but it was apparent it could have benefited from a cleaning. She had a bottle of vodka that would do the trick, and although she suspected Andy would have other plans for it by the end of the day, it wasn't for drinking.

River let go of Andy's leg and turned to face her. The weariness had returned, but River doubted there existed a state that could have rendered her anything but beautiful. She gingerly laid a hand on her shoulder, as she had that morning, but her fingertips quickly migrated to Andy's cheek without ever stopping to consult her brain. The touch was impossibly gentle, fearful she would break, but in the action was conveyed everything she had felt for a long time, and everything she had recently realized she felt — or rather, interpreted in a new light. "You have to let me clean this, Andy." The name was a pointed addition. In case she hadn't already understood from the kiss, River wasn't about to let her struggle with this on her own. And now, she would have allowed every part of herself to break if it meant fixing Andy.
indentinShe did her best to harden her face into something Andy couldn't say no to, but a bittersweet smile slipped out to quirk the corner of her lip instead. Andy was always trying to make her smile, River would have been lying if she said she hadn't noticed, and she wanted to give her this one. Right then, she decided she would do her best to smile as often as she could. Because if Andy— she halted the thought before it reached a conclusion that would inevitably make the tears well up again. She wanted Andy to know that she made her want to smile, even if she couldn't always manage one. She would be done with tears, for now.

Allowing the hand to fall back down, River stood up to meet Olivia's dark brown eyes. She took a step closer, but stopped herself when she saw the sorrow, hurt, and anger mingling in her expression — frankly, she could understand each one of them. It seemed that Andy had clued her in about each heartbreaking detail of their situation. The instinct to reach out and comfort her was strong, and it stung to hold back, but she had a hunch that it would have been ill-received. What she needed was time. It would be time River could only hope they had, and maybe Olivia would soon understand that staying angry would never be worth it, not now. She would only end up hurting herself. And in the end, this was between Andy and the girl. They would work it out, and River... well, she would be there for them, as she had been. "I'll make sure she doesn't trip up the stairs," she offered softly, hoping the look in her eyes would be enough pleading for Olivia to at least try and forgive Andy for withholding secrets she felt she needed to keep from them.


location; evil gravel — tagging; Andy, Olivia — mentioned; -- — wc; 799

[bugiscool]

Chalire - Tagged: William & Jude

Charlie watched as the smaller figure grabbed the dagger she had held out towards him. The knife, not a weapon to be used to seek out trouble but to protect him from it. You never know when a knife may be your savior. An item that can determine life or death, only to be used as such. The world was crazy and unpredictable. As much as Charlie hoped that a situation wouldn't occur where she could not be there if William needed her but she could never predict that. At least the dagger gave him a chance. She watched the boy's face turn very serious and if not a little scared. She then squatted down to be eye level with William. His wide eyes bringing the concern to her heart.

"Now, that dagger is not to seek trouble. Remember try to get away first. That is a tool to be used as a last resort. Do not use it unless you have to. Daggers have many purposes, not just to inflict harm. It can get you out of many situations. A dagger can heal just as much as it can harm. You've seen me use knives to help people. Cutting something out of someone, cutting rope to get something untied, crush up meds to give to someone who can't take it whole, and even cut plants that will help heal people." In the end she looked into his eyes and gave him a light reassuring smile. She reached out and used a finger to lightly drag up a corner of his lip to a smile. When he began to smile widely again, excitement consuming his body did Charlie stand back up. She let out a light laugh when he asked about his own horse. "One good thing at a time, you're still getting basic lessons. You'll ride with someone this time." She looked at him with lightness on her face. He truly was a good kid, and if she could help it would make sure he wouldn't come down to the same fate as her late children.

Her gaze went to the newcomer who entered the barn. It was Jude and Charlie gave her a light nod in greeting. When she asked if William wanted to ride with her she looked to the boy. "It's your call." She spoke as she herself headed to the entrance of the barn where her horse had been standing. She made sure everything was in place and hopped on the horse. Once on top of her steed, she looked down towards William and Jude, seeing what he decided to do.