by L.I.N.G.E.R » Tue Mar 05, 2019 1:52 pm
⚔ L I O N G A Z E ⚔
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Liongaze || 36 Moons || Hazeclan Warrior || Clan Camp || Tags: Open
《 You see the tears you think I've cried. But find your fears aren't justified. 》
Sleep was becoming harder and harder to find, I was plagued with nightmares that I couldn't shake. The same two dreams constantly haunting me when I closed my eyes. I either saw the death of my little brother, Mousefoot, or I saw the clan being consumed by chaos. Peace seemed impossible to reach, but there was hope for a future with Ivybriar's coming litter, however much Darkfrost wanted those kits I wouldn't let him have them so easily. I knew this situation could have been avoided if Ivybriar had stayed away from the rogue leader as soon as he left the clan, but I also knew how hard to was to let go of someone you loved, someone you thought you could trust. My heart ached for my brothers, one lost forever and the other...The worst kind of traitor. I would never be able to forgive Hawkflight, but I didn't think he wanted my forgiveness anyway, he seemed content with the life he had chosen. I hadn't seen him since the day he left. I told the rest of the clan that he had been taken prisoner, it was only a matter of time before they found out that was a lie. Why did I protect him after what he had done? I didn't know myself, maybe I had hope that he would come back someday.
It didn't seem likely that he would regret his mistake, he would likely think that he did the right thing. He had always been a rather selfish tom, but I never thought that he would go this far. I understood Ivybriar's struggle, I understood why she did what she did, and I agreed with Fawnstar's choice. It caused the clan a lot of trouble, all the apprentices had been slain. They barely had a chance at life, and now the clan's future rested with Ivybriar's kits. I looked towards the she-cat, her belly swollen, her kits ready to drop at any given moment. I would protect her, without hesitation, without judgement. She didn't deserve to be disliked for her choices, nor did the kits when they were born, but there were some who just would never be able to understand. I just hoped that when the time came the clan could work together properly, or we would be destroyed. Not by the rogues, but by ourselves, and I could only imagine the delight the rogues would feel while watching us fight within. I did not want to make an enemy out of any of my clan mates, though I had few friends since I kept to myself these days. It was hard to open up when all I wanted to do was shut down.
I shook these thoughts away as I peered around at the clan. I spotted Martenfang, one of my few friends as she spoke to Skyspring. I had known her since we were kits, we grew up together and I was grateful to have her in my life even if I no longer talked to her as much as I should. I would consider her my closest friend now without Mousefoot, but I hadn't even told her the full truth of Hawkflight's betrayal. Who could I trust if not her? Who could I trust if not my clan? How could I expect cooperation from the clan if I didn't tell them the truth? I just didn't know how, the clan had already been betrayed by a former member, how would they feel to learn about another that turned on us? I couldn't bring myself to do it, and I couldn't bring myself to give up on Hawkflight. Part of me wanted him to suffer, part of me wanted to take his life the way Mousefoot's had been taken. If I had to I would do it, to protect the clan I would do anything, but if he could be saved then I was going to try. Realizing I was staring at nothing I blinked myself out of my thoughts and stood up, stretching my legs one by one. I needed to stop letting myself get wrapped up in my own head, it wasn't healthy to dwell on such things for so long.
I started to stride around camp, walking tended to help keep me distracted at least for a little while, but I didn't want to stray away from camp unless instructed to do so. The rogues had been quiet lately, their lack of activity was disturbing to me, and it was clear that most of the clan was uneasy. I didn't let it show that I was on edge, waiting for an attack. I made it seem like I was just restless because there wasn't much for me to do at the moment. It wouldn't do anybody any good to stir up more negativity by worrying everybody. The clan was already somewhat divided between the cats who agreed with Fawnstar and those who didn't, I was just hoping that nobody else would betray the clan. That they would come to understand that the rogues wanted that, it would make it easier for them to rip the clan apart. This place was my home, I didn't want to see it crash and burn, I didn't want to see my clan mates dying around me anymore, but I knew there would likely be more death, I hoped that the clan would find a way to survive.
《 The pain I feel not on display. An old excuse just one of those days. 》
☠ H A W K F L I G H T ☠
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Hawkflight || 36 Moons || Rogue Fighter || Rogue Camp || Tags: Open
《 I'm not always who you think I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm the renegade. 》
Things had been rather boring around her recently. It was exciting to go and take the lives of apprentices before they even knew what hit them. The clan deserved every bit of misery they were getting. Fanwstar should have handed over Ivybriar when she had the chance, but she didn't like the fool she was. I had felt like the clan was doomed under her leadership so I left, it also helped that a pretty little rogue had caught my eye. I missed her, without her my heart didn't feel whole. I hardly felt anything when watching Mousefoot die other than satisfaction, and leaving Liongaze behind was all too easy, but the loss of my mate hit me hard. For once I was happy when she was around, now I just felt empty and angry, like I wanted to sink my claws into everything that moved, but I also just wanted to curl up and sleep the entire day away. Life had never felt fair to me, and it still didn't, but I felt like here I had a chance to make my life better unlike in the clan, in the clan I never felt like I was headed anywhere fast. Leaving them behind was the best decision I had ever made and I wouldn't be convinced otherwise.
I just wished that we could carry out another attack soon, I was itching for some action, for a distraction from my own thoughts. Maybe if I could get some revenge I would feel better, it would be a start at the very least. A small venomous smile spread across my face, making my heinous intentions clear to anybody who happened to look my way. I didn't care what others thought of me at this point, besides my animosity was not aimed at my fellow rogues, it was aimed at the clan, at Liongaze especially. The other rogues had nothing to fear from me, but I would gladly attack any clan cat that came within my reach, once I had them in my grasp I wouldn't let them go until they stopped breathing. My tail curled in delight at the thought, the clan was already having issues with all their apprentices being dead, and some cats having that same thoughts as me towards Fawnstar and her choice. Would more cats turn their backs on her? Would more cats join us? Would the clan fall? I wanted it to, I wanted to watch as their world came crashing down. It was wrong, it was so wrong for me to think like that, but knowing that just made me want it more. It would be exactly what they deserved.
My gaze drifted over to Darkfrost, wondering what he might be planning next for the clan. He got to decide what we did next, but I wondered if I could influence him with little dangerous whispers. Would he listen to my ideas? I could always try, but for now I stayed away as Hemlock approached the leader. I wasn't a huge fan of conversing with more than one other at a time, as someone who didn't think I needed friends I often tended to keep to myself. Though I didn't hold any negative feelings towards the others I just didn't think it would be worthwhile to become close with most of them. I would accept a few of them into my life as long as they didn't get in my way, but it wasn't my top concern. I huffed out a breath and flopped onto my side letting my tongue run over my paw getting it a little wet and then scrubbing at my face with the side of my paw to clean it. My dark tabby fur was sleek and healthy, despite not wanting to care about my appearance and health I knew that I needed to. I needed to be strong, and I needed to appear well put together to show that I wasn't a liability. I would not show weakness, not now, not ever.
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《 And I can't just sit back and watch it fade. This time I hope you see, I'm not the enemy. 》