☆ metalocalypse 1x1

[butt-head.]

          
                      TOKI WARTOOTH.
          

          toki was up for awhile, listening to his lover snore, and mutter incoherent words in his sleep. toki adored skwisgaar. possibly a bit too much. he stared, smiling slightly.. toki knew it was slightly creepy to watch his partner sleep, but, he didn’t have much else to do, until he looked over at a small book.. it was, of course, his diary. hey, he hadn’t written in it in what seemed like months, so, he’ll give it a try!
                    he sat up, grabbing the book and a small pen, opening the book and beginning to write.


                              ’i mourn the sweets possibility that i could has been normals.. i could’ve been a good childs. ones my fathers would’ve been proud of. a hard workings, sweet child. what ams i nows? a nobody who can’t plays the guitars anymore. the only thing i COULD do.. i mourn for the brokens childs of potential. i ams.. the man i feareds as a childs. ams i nothing but my lovers shadows? i cants be betters than hims.. i don’t wants to be better than hims. i want to be hims. i’m nothing buts the love childs of wasted potentials and broken possibilities. why does tokis always get the bads luck?’


          he stared down at the words on the paper, noticing how messy they got near the end. he wasn’t crying, but, he was shaking. he quickly closed the book, throwing it on the bed and laying back, staring at the ceiling. the book, wide open on the page he just wrote on.. skwisgaar could wake up at any moment and read it. but toki was.. in a slightly catatonic state now. maybe writing his emotions was.. a bad idea.

     
                      NATHAN EXPLOSION.
                 

          he rolled his eyes at pickles. ”im not that.. stupid..” he said, lying straight through his teeth. he was thinking of taking more before pickles said something, but, he wanted to seem.. not stupid. ”this is dumb. why can’t it work instantly.. yknow i thought scientists or whoever makes that medicine had the technology to make that stuff happen.. he muttered, looking away.
                    he slowly wrapped his arms around pickles, closing his eyes. ”im just gonna.. rest my eyes. not gonna sleep just.. resting my eyes..” he said, slowly, but surely, drifting off into sleep.

     

          

[talkshow boy]

skwisgaar skwigelf

skwisgaar was sound asleep, having a very nice dream. one where toki never got
taken, or needed a wheelchair.. if you paid attention to the nonsense words he
would mumble occasionally, you could probably pick up a vague story. that was,
until toki tossed the book he was writing in. it landed right by skwisgaar, gently
shaking the mattress. not exactly the best idea. skwisgaar is a notoriously light
sleeper. he stirs awake, blinking a couple times as he yawns. glancing around,
he tries to figure what woke him. as his eyes see toki sitting there, eyes wide,
the blonde immediately gets very worried. he looks the same way he did
when he had to see his parents.

slowly moving closer to toki, he shakes his shoulder gently, trying to get the
norwegian's attnetion. "toki...?" he asks, snapping his fingers in front of
his eyes. still nothing. what happened...? he was so happy when they fell asleep...
he looks around, trying to find what caused such a shift in toki's mood. there's
nobody around the windows outside, other than the typical klokateers keeping
guard, and there's not even any creaking noises tonight. sighing, he's about give up,
when a small book catches his attention. he reaches for it, looking at toki for any
kind of reaction. the blue eyes of his partner dart to the book, but.. he doesn't
make any move to grab it. maybe he's in shock? silently, skwisgaar begins to read
the messy handwriting.

[butt-head.]

          
                      TOKI WARTOOTH.
          

          he stared, stuck in his imagination, his own day dream. it was a coping mechanism he adapted when he was little, and, he never dropped it. his eyes darted to the book as his lover noticed it, but he couldn’t move or make an attempt to hide it. he couldn’t move. why couldn’t he move? why couldn’t he speak? was he really in shock?
                    he had to sit and watch as his partner read all of the deepest, darkest parts of toki’s mind. toki closed his eyes shut, maybe this was a nightmare? this had to be a nightmare. when he opened his eyes, he’d wake up.. right? he opened his eyes, and.. no. it was reality. no no no no no. that’s all that went through his head. he could only imagine the things skwisgaar would think, the things he’d say.


                              it reminded him of his father finding his diary that one time. the punishment.. was awful.

          

[talkshow boy]

skwisgaar skwigelf

he reads through the first page, the one toki just wrote, furrowing his eyebrows.
this... is what he thinks of himself? he flips through the book, skimming each page.
they're ALL like that. lamenting the fact that toki is.. himself. and not skwisgaar.
wishing he was born as someone else, someone more lucky. reflecting on his childhood,
regretting that his father isn't more proud of him. he can feel his heart break a bit more
with every page he reads. eventually, he snaps the diary shut, gently tossing it across the
room. it lands somewhere on the floor with a soft thud.

he looks back at toki, speechless. what.. was he supposed to do? he's not sure. so, skwisgaar
does the only thing he can think of. he gently pulls toki into his arms, rubbing his back.
looking into his partner's bright blue eyes, he can feel tears prick at his own. "toki...
is that really what you think of yourself?" he whispers the question, not able to find the
willpower to make his voice any louder.

[butt-head.]

          
                      TOKI WARTOOTH.
          

          he flinched as skwisgaar grabbed him, expecting a punch, but.. was surprised with a hug. toki did have identity issues, he always has. it’s not something he can stop, but it surely could be helped, maybe even stopped, but not entirely.
                    he couldn’t talk. his facial expression said enough. that’s exactly what he thought of himself, and.. honestly, he thought much worse. an unlucky boy who kills anything he loves. that’s all he is, after all. now, without the guitar, he has nothing to really do anymore. he thought the healing process would take all of eternity. he didn’t know it would only take maybe a year or two, maybe even just a couple months.. he genuinely believed it would last until he died.
          he finally snapped out of it, staring up at skwisgaar. that book was toki’s biggest and darkest secret. some of those pages had repeated sentences on them, repeated words, that would go on for multiple pages. it was some kind of punishment almost, writing horrid thoughts and horrid words over and over.. it wasn’t good.
                    “toki ams sorrys.. toki.. toki ams very sorrys..” he spoke, frowning. he was apologizing for the things he said about skwisgaar in that book, he’d insulted the blonde, only to write ‘i’m sorry’ repeatedly after.. and even going as far as to wish he WAS skwisgaar. maybe showing charles the book could be good.. charles could get him help. but.. toki probably wouldn’t like the idea.

          

[talkshow boy]

skwisgaar skwigelf

skwisgaar frowns, knowing what toki was apologizing for. he saw it for himself,
after all. he may not have read every page front to back, but.. he saw enough
to know there's plenty of insults directed at him in the small book. some of
them were truly vitriolic. followed by an entire half page of nothing but 'i'm
sorry'. he can feel tears start to run down his cheeks. why was HE crying, but
toki wasn't? "oh, toki... my poor little toki...." he pulls the brunette's
head into his chest, resting his head on top of toki's. the boy in his arms.. was
truly broken. probably more than even his own boyfriend realized. "it's okay..
it's okay. it's not your fault." his own voice is shaking as he whispers to his
boyfriend, mind completely blank. what was he even supposed to say? for once
in his life, skwisgaar is at a standstill. he's lost. how is anyone even supposed to react
to finding out their own partner hates themselves so much?

[butt-head.]

          
                      TOKI WARTOOTH.
          

          why wasn't he crying? he probably thought this was normal. he thought it was normal to hate himself so much he wishes he was somebody else. he was TAUGHT that this was normal. from his father, mother.. hell. even the band. "why ams you crying.. why?" he asked, staring up.
                    he wiped skwisgaars face, hands shaking.. did he hurt the others feelings? "i ams sorrys.. i hurts yous with my words, didn't i..?" he asked, staring up as he wiped his lovers face. the insults.. toki felt horrible for even thinking them. that was proven by the repeated 'i'm sorrys' he would write.
          he peppered the others face with kisses, trying his best to comfort him. he was trying his best to make his lover feel better.. what if he lied and said he didn't hate himself anymore? and those were old writings? he couldn't pull that off. skwisgaar knows him too well. at this point, toki was so emotionally detached. maybe it was just another coping mechanism..

          

[talkshow boy]

skwisgaar skwigelf

the blonde sniffles, gently pulling toki away from his face. why? why was
toki trying to comfort him right now? "no, tokis. no.. i ams crying
because of how yous feel about yourselfs... all the awfuls things you
wrote about yourself." while it was true to some extent that
all the insults written about himself hurt his feelings, that's simply not
important right now. "...why? whys ams you always worried about me,
but nots yourself?" really, skwisgaar already knew the answer; he
thought he wasn't worth the effort. he doesn't like thinking of himself,
so he constantly makes sure everyone else is okay instead. it helps toki
forget that he's, well... himself. the thought makes more tears start to spill over,
landing onto the blonde's shirt. skwisgaar is shaking now; how can toki
be so calm about all of this? well, calm in comparison to how
he's reacting, anyways.

[butt-head.]

          
                      TOKI WARTOOTH.
          

          he looked down, frowning. "i don'ts needs to be worried abouts myselfs.." he said, blinking. "i don'ts cares about myselfs! i cares about yous! i HATES myself!" he spoke, pulling his hands to his face. "I HATE MYSELF!" he shouted, it seemed like this was his breaking point. "i ams a horribles childs! HORRIBLES!" he continued, shaking his head.
                    this was.. unfortunately a normal response to trauma. especially in toki's case. it was almost as if he was a child again, alone in that punishment hole, yelling at himself. "kicks me out of the bands! do its! i deserves it! hits me! yells at mes! PUNISH ME!" he said, looking up at skwisgaar, tears falling down his own face.

          

[talkshow boy]

skwisgaar skwigelf

he pulls toki even closer to him, shaking his head as he shuts his eyes tight.
"just shut up.." he whimpers, voice quivering. he was still shaking like
a leaf, and toki's yelling probably didn't help. pulling away, skwisgaar gently
wipes his tears away. he KNOWS he can't fix toki. not by himself. but maybe...
until he can get his boyfriend the help he desperately needs.. skwisgaar can help
keep the demons in his head at bay. "toki.. i'ms not hittings you. i LOVE
you. if you ams so terrible, why would i always be arounds you?" despite toki's
voice rising, his own is still barely louder than a whisper. yelling back won't solve
any of it. in fact, that could very well only make toki close up even more.
"it ams okay. i'll takes care of you. even if you don't likes yourself. i loves you,
toki. so much." honestly, he's not even sure if what he said helped. but
it was all he could do... ramble to his partner to remind him there's at least one
person who DOES care about him.