𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐫 ⠀ [ mandalorian + ranbooisms ]

[lys.]

𝐖𝐑𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐍
________________________________________________
who ⠀ i’ve ⠀ become ⠀ is ⠀ not ⠀ who ⠀ i ⠀ want ⠀ to ⠀ be ⠀. . .

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he does not dream, he does not think, and for that he is grateful. when he wakes he can only hope everything that had happened was all just some bad dream. that he’ll end up waking up on the base in his bed, with none of it ever happening. it does take a while - but eventually, he does wake. stirring, his knuckles brush against the rough texture of bandages, and groggily, disorientated, his eyes flutter open. they take a second to adjust before he realizes the bed he’s in is not his own, his surroundings are unfamiliar, and his injury has been bandaged up. panic claws it’s way up his throat, and he carefully shifts himself into a sitting position, mindful yet grimacing at the stinging pain of his injury nevertheless.

he isn’t back on base, he’s injured, and nothing is familiar. with a sinking feeling in his stomach he realizes that it wasn’t just a bad dream, but everything that had occurred truly did happen. there’s a familiar head of red hair - cal is on the floor, eyes closed and resting. he’d forgotten how peaceful he looks as he sleeps, and there’s an ache deep in wren’s chest at the familiar sight. it was a common occurrence back on bracca to find his way to cal at some point during the night, unable to sleep with nightmares plaguing him left and right. he’d find solace with cal in his distress, finally able to sleep in the other’s presence.

swallowing hard he pushes away the memory, looks around at his surroundings and notices with just as much, if not more, panic he’s on a ship rather than zeffo. he’d passed out because of his injury - cal must have carried him here. he has to find a way, somehow, to get back to the empire before they come hunting. he refuses to allow cal to come to harm, especially at the empire’s hands.

his lightsaber, he noticed with relief, is resting on a workbench nearby. wren exhales softly, just as relieved as to have his weapon nearby in case he needs it. he’s not planning to fight his way out…but it doesn’t hurt to have it just in case. “cal…” he whispers, tentatively trying to wake the resting jedi. once he’s awake, wren struggles to try and get off the bed and stand, ignoring his lightheadedness but hissing with his discomfort when his injury burns. “what happened? where am i?”

he has to get off this ship as soon as possible, and somehow find his way back to base. he’ll have to report his assignment as a failure, but he will take his punishment rather than running away from it, and at least cal will be safe.

a pause. he still does not trust cal, but he did save his life. he’d underestimated the injury - without cal, he would’ve died on that planet. “thank you. for…for saving my life.”

// it was perfect!

[mandalorian]

xxxxxxx𝑪𝑨𝑳 𝑲𝑬𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑺 ﹠ 🇧​🇩​﹣₁! 𝗮𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲, 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲!
xxxxxxx────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

Cal didn’t want to fall asleep when he had settled down to rest near Wren, but exhaustion from the day had overtaken him. From finding Wren, to fighting the other and eventually taking him back to the Mantis, he was drained. All fight left him as soon as his eyes had fluttered shut, chest in a steady rise and fall, and he’s at peace.

Similarly to Wren, he does not dream — or if he does, perhaps he does not remember it. He would not complain if his dreams were of Wren, as they were on rare nights that guilt did not take hold and turn them into nightmares. Dreams in which Wren would forgive him, fantasies of the two of them working alongside each other once more. Things Cal knew were never truly going to occur, at least, not in the way his dreams laid them out to be.

Thankfully his mind seems much too tired to plague him with the typical nightmares that would have kept him up on Bracca, driving him and Wren together so they’d find comfort in one another. He’d gotten used to peace without the other man, surprisingly so; there was no time for nightmares when they were being hunted by the empire, or so Cal told himself. He did not dwell on dreams he had. He couldn’t.

His sleep is peaceful, until Wren’s voice flutters to his ears. His eyes open after a few sleepy blinks, dragging himself into consciousness. He lifts his head to watch the other man, before it all sets in once more, and the dire situation makes itself clear to Cal.

He gets up in a rush, eyes widening at the sight of Wren already to his feet. “You’re hurt,” he says, almost scolding the other man, moving to set a hand on his shoulder and nudge him towards the bed. “You shouldn’t be getting up so quick. You nearly died.”

Wren’s question makes his stomach sink. He knows the man is going to be upset with him — most likely worse — but he didn’t have a choice in the moment. “You’re on the Mantis,” he says, “its the ship my crew are on. We had to leave Zeffo — the empire…”

He pulls his lips back before looking away. “Well, they saw me saving your life, so they assumed I kidnapped you and tried to blow up our ship.” Wren had told him, repeatedly, to leave him. And yet Cal had continued, and while he might have saved his life, did he doom Wren without even meaning to? He doesn’t want the other man to return to the Empire, but realistically, that isn’t his choice.

“We managed to escape, but… I mean,” he continues on, finally drawing his gaze back to Wren, “You’re alive. That’s a start, right?”

[lys.]

𝐖𝐑𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐍
________________________________________________
who ⠀ i’ve ⠀ become ⠀ is ⠀ not ⠀ who ⠀ i ⠀ want ⠀ to ⠀ be ⠀. . .

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here is the enemy, or at least, someone who should be his enemy, because cal is an enemy of the empire. on top of that, he betrayed him - and in one of the worst ways imaginable. he should hate cal, but the key word is should. because he doesn’t hate him. he doesn’t trust him, sure, but he can’t find it in him to hate him even if he should. wren should do a lot of things, one of those things putting as much distance between them as he can, but all he is right now is tired and sore. tired of fighting, of resisting, even if every fiber of his being is screaming at him to. he doesn’t even protest as cal sets a hand on his shoulder and guides him back, when he usually would’ve. he should be running him through with his lightsaber, trying to escape. but he isn’t. he doesn’t.

he wishes cal would have left him there on zeffo. it’s what he should’ve done, but he knows cal enough even after all this time to know he’d never do that. he can’t find it in himself to be upset, merely exasperated. “i could’ve died? what about you, your crew?” he shakes his head, leaning back against the pillows with a heavy sigh. “they could’ve killed you. you shouldn’t have saved me. i’m not worth saving.” he studies his surroundings, looking for something, anything to grasp onto. the empire is ruthless, and cal technically just kidnapped one of their inquisitors.

his eyebrows furrow, lips tugging into a frown. “you managed. and while i thank you-“ he pauses, fixing cal with a firm gaze. “do not ever try that again. do you understand? i can’t let anything happen to you.” not like cal let things happen to wren - unforgivable, terrible things.

his face softens slightly, and he glances away, gaze dropping down to his lap where his hands are resting. they’re worn and scarred, from training, fighting and gripping his lightsaber. and technically, covered in blood. he sighs softly. “i do…i do appreciate it, though. saving my life is a kindness i do not deserve.” a pause, and he swallows hard. “and…and i want you to know, i don’t hate you. even after everything. i don’t think i ever could.”

[mandalorian]

xxxxxxx𝑪𝑨𝑳 𝑲𝑬𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑺 ﹠ 🇧​🇩​﹣₁! 𝗮𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲, 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲!
xxxxxxx────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

Wren doesn’t get upset with him, at least no more than he already had been. That, Cal is thankful for. He wasn’t sure if he could handle a lecture, or knowing he screwed up yet again. He didn’t exactly have an opportunity to tiptoe back into Wren’s good graces.

In fact, he’s rather sure he’ll probably never be in his good graces ever again. But that was Cal’s own fault, something he’d have to live with. He’d rather have Wren upset and alive than neither of those at all.

He can’t help but smile a bit when Wren tells him not to try anything like that again. ”Hey, I’m alive, aren’t I? And so are you. The Empire is gonna have to try more than that to kill me.” There's only a bit of wit behind it, but he means it. He deserves to be cocky when it comes to the Empire. He’d escaped Darth Vader himself, granted with barely his skin, but not many people could say that.

Cal’s eyes go to Wren’s hands, and the way the man lays back on the bed. Slowly, he steps over so he can sit down on the bed, on the very edge. He sits up straight, hands resting on either side of his body, almost rigid. He does not relax, ready to move if Wren told him to. He doesn't want to push too far.

Wren doesn't hate him, and for some reason, that seems to hurt more than it would’ve if Wren admitted to hating him.

”I could tell you a million things,” He begins, a soft murmur, looking down at his empty hands. He picks at the skin around his nails. I could explain that night. I could tell you what was going through my head, or why I was frozen in place. But it doesn’t excuse it.”

Wren knows this — Cal doesn’t need to say it. He does anyway, as if afraid if he didn’t speak now, he’d never be able to get it out. ”I didn’t know that they were looking. Not on Bracca, at least — I thought maybe it was somewhere they didn’t care for. I don’t know how they caught wind of the fact there was someone who survived Order 66 there, but you shouldn’t have been caught in the crossfire of that."

He glances over at the hands that rest in Wren's lap, before moving his hand to nudge their pinkies against one another. "I could tell you what happened. I should've, back on Bracca, and I wanted to, constantly. I just felt so... connected with you. I guess it makes sense now, being an Inquisitor." In another life, Wren could have trained with him. That makes a lump rise in his throat, rather painful to swallow over.

[lys.]

𝐖𝐑𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐍
________________________________________________
who ⠀ i’ve ⠀ become ⠀ is ⠀ not ⠀ who ⠀ i ⠀ want ⠀ to ⠀ be ⠀. . .

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at the moment, he’s too tired to be upset, to fight like he was earlier. he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to forgive him for what he’d done, nor forget what happened on bracca. a part of him wishes that he could, that things could’ve gone back to the way they were between them. but the pain is too great, too fresh…for him to be able to even consider it. he’s deeply wounded by what happened on bracca, because not only did it hurt him, it changed him, too. it turned his life completely upside down, and suddenly, he had nothing again. he was alone. there were too many sleepless, restless nights. too much hurt and pain.

but it’s nice, to see cal smile a little again. it’s familiar in a comforting way - he remembers constantly trying to get cal to smile on bracca because it looked good on him, and it still does. he rolls his eyes in fond exasperation. “you could’ve been killed.” but his tone is a little fonder than it was before.

he watches him carefully as cal gets up, sitting down on the edge of the bed, and wren doesn’t do or say anything about it. he stiffens, a little, at cal’s words, looking away. “you’re right. it doesn’t.” it’s painful to think about - how afraid he was, how alone and hurt he’d felt when cal did nothing but stand there and watch. “you were a coward, cal. you were…” his eyebrows furrow, lips tugging into an unhappy frown. “you were the one i trusted the most. until you let them take me.”

he swallows thickly, shoved the lump that threatens to rise in his throat back down, as cal nudges their pinkies against each other. “it doesn’t matter now.” he mutters, exhaling softly. “what’s done is done.”

the taste in his mouth is bitter and unpleasant from their conversation. without speaking he reaches for cal’s hand, lacing their fingers together with a soft sigh. and for a moment he’s surprised, that he feels comfortable enough to do something like that - but deep down, he’s missed cal more than he would admit. on bracca he was his best friend, his only friend, after all. cal was everything to him.

“i’ve missed you.” he says, softly, after a short pause. “more than you know.” as hurt as he was when cal betrayed him, not a day went by when he didn’t think of him.

[mandalorian]

xxxxxxx𝑪𝑨𝑳 𝑲𝑬𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑺 ﹠ 🇧​🇩​﹣₁! 𝗮𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲, 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲!
xxxxxxx────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

They could go in circles all day, Cal knows. He could tell Wren what had happened while they were apart, or what had happened, the execution of Order 66 that brought him to Bracca. It wouldn't change the past, and Wren was right; Cal hadn't acted, he had been a coward. It had resulted in Wren being taken and brainwashed by the Empire.

But he wasn't too far gone, that much was clear. Wren's fingers laced with his own and Cal can feel his heart skip a beat. The drumming against his chest, like he was young again, experiencing his first crush. The fact that Wren still had that affect on him after all this time made Cal look away, shame rising in him. Feelings such as these were forbidden; Cal was only a Jedi Knight due to his experiences, overcoming his past. He followed the Code instinctually, from his connection to the force.

But Wren is so much more than a forbidden feeling.

It takes him longer than he'd like to choke out some words in response to Wren. The man's words are soft, different than the Wren he'd faced back on Zeffo. The man had been so confident in himself, truly believing he'd be dragging Cal's body back to the Empire. All that seemed to fade away when the circumstances changed. Wren was different, capable of things that Cal wouldn't have ever considered him to be. That's almost enough to scare him.

“I missed you too.” he finally says, words simple, yet true. There's more he could say, he knows; that he thought about Wren consistently, that if he knew he were alive, he would've found him sorry. He could apologize a thousand times over and wish that in between, Wren would maybe tell him it's okay. But it wouldn't be, and he knows this.

His past came back to stand in front of him, a strong display of the man Cal used to be. A man plagued by trauma, who looked out for himself due to fear to end up like his master. Dead, at the hands of the Empire. But even then, his Master had gone down with a fight. Saving him. Cal had never made an effort to save someone. Even then, if he had died for Wren that day, it would have been better than dealing with the guilt today.

“I'm not the man I was back on Bracca.” It's true, even if odd to say. His eyes go down to their laced fingers, and he can't help but gently squeeze Wren's hand. There's familiarity in it, soothing to Cal. “I'm not a coward anymore. And..." His lips draw back, pressing together momentarily before they part to let out a sigh. His shoulders drop, and he looks away pointedly. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't find myself sooner. I know now, that if the person I am today, were standing with you on Bracca, I wouldn't have let you get taken.”

He exhales, soft. It takes him a moment before he leans forward, draping his free arm over his leg. “I... I know you have a new loyalty...” he looks over at Wren, “but the Empire already knows you're with me, and we... my crew? We're trying, we're really trying, to help people. To take back what we can, figure out the past and... and try to stop it from repeating. You can come with us.”

(( late edit but a thought occurred to me: cal understands bd-1 because hes fluent in binary, which the devs said was bc he worked with a lot of droids on bracca. wren understanding bd-1 too might be cute, if youre into that

[lys.]

𝐖𝐑𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐍
________________________________________________
who ⠀ i’ve ⠀ become ⠀ is ⠀ not ⠀ who ⠀ i ⠀ want ⠀ to ⠀ be ⠀. . .

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despite what he went through in training, something in his chest aches at the thought of betraying the empire. they were cruel to him, of course - but at least they seemed to need him, to want him. and there’s awakened something within him he never knew was there, something that had laid dormant for his entire life. the force. in a way, he owes them. a lot. being here, with cal, on this ship - as much as it feels right, the pull to the dark side is strong. and while he hasn’t been with them as long as he’s been with cal, since he’s known the jedi, or at least thought he did, since their days on bracca. before, he’d never considered cal to be a liar. but everything he’d told him, he realizes, was more or less a lie. to protect himself, and, as a result, it ended up in the empire taking wren.

he takes a deep breath, trying to soothe the ache in his chest at the feeling of his fingers laced with cal’s, the way the feeling makes it feel like butterflies are battering around in his stomach. just like back on bracca, and it’s not as if he hasn’t grabbed cal’s hand before, because he has, but this time it feels different - since he hasn’t seen him for so long, the feelings he’s kept buried are coming back. and that scares him, a little bit. feeling. feeling things he hasn’t felt in a while, because of the warmth of cal’s hand, because he’s here, he’s close again, and for now he won’t leave. wren knows things cant go back to the way they were…even if he would’ve given anything to be a scrapper back on bracca.

cal speaks, again, and wren stays silent, his gaze briefly flickering to the jedi’s face when he gently squeezes his hand. the past cant be changed, and he knows cal knows that. no matter how deeply and desperately wren wishes it could be. “i wish you hadn’t lied to me. on bracca.” he says, after a few moments of quiet. “i could’ve…done something. i could’ve helped.” he looks away, trying to steady himself with a shaky inhale. “but you didn’t trust me. even after…” he trails off, presses his lips together. after everything. “did you seriously think i would’ve turned you in, when you were everything to me?”

he swallows thickly, and looks over at cal once more. “i don’t know, cal.” he whispers. “i don’t know if i’m ready for that.” he was so focused on climbing up the ranks in the empire, impressing his superiors, impressing the emperor. for the longest time, he’d lost sight of himself. “i don’t even know who i am.” and that scares him, a little, because since his training all he thought of himself was a sith. a monster. unable to be saved.





// i am so so so sorry for the late response! i got busy unexpectedly and it was really difficult to respond, but i’m back! and honestly, yes, that’s adorable!! (if it’s easier for you, we could also always roleplay/talk over on discord!)

[mandalorian]

xxxxxxx𝑪𝑨𝑳 𝑲𝑬𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑺 ﹠ 🇧​🇩​﹣₁! 𝗮𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲, 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲!
xxxxxxx────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

His words aren't said with venom, and yet it still stings as such. The reminder of how close they were on Bracca, and how Cal hadn't been able to act. It had cost him his everything at the time. It took him so long to recover, to stop blaming himself for that night. Even if it was his fault. He knew he couldn't live like that. It was just yet another thing he had to work through in order to come to peace with himself.

From his Master, to Wren, to Prauff. It felt like he always seemed to fail someone. He convinced himself, after months of neglect, that was the case. That it was his fault for what had happened to his friends, that it had all been a mistake.

His journey's had changed his way of thinking. They were learning experiences; their lives, unfortunately, had been stepping stones. They had all meant so much to him, and they always would. But continuing to blame himself, after so long, was unhealthy. He came face to face with his Master, his inner demons, and conquered them.

But perhaps he had neglected his feelings around Wren. They all seemed to come back. If his Master had been in front of him, he knew that the other man wouldn't have blamed him. That he gave up his life willingly, for protection. Something Cal never really considered himself worthy of. Wren didn't have a choice in the matter. Wren had been forced into a position of sacrifice without even knowing it. Cal hadn't been strong enough to save him.

His lips part to reply, to try and soothe Wren, when a sudden beep nearby catches his attention. BD-1 stands proud, with a canister ejected from their back. Cal relaxes, the translation coming easily; "Healing stim?" an offer to Wren, as the other man was still in pain. The stimulants should help that. “Right,” he says, and extends his hand. BD-1 drops it in, and Cal uncaps the stim. “Remember these from Bracca? The amount of times we had to patch each other up using these,” He looks at Wren, weak attempts to settle the tension between them.

His fingers twist the stim gently, and then he looks down. His gaze avoids Wren, not yet injecting him with the stim, not without permission. He fiddles with it idly. “You don't have to know who you are.” He finally says, “I didn't know who I was for a long time, either. I felt... I felt lost, without you. Without the Force. I... I lost everyone in my life because I couldn't overcome my past. I had no one.”

He takes a breath, gaze finding Wren's, finally. “I was scared,” He says, “I still am, because I don't want to lose you again. But I know you aren't... you aren't an attack dog for the Empire, Wren. We all hated what the Empire stood for, back on Bracca. What happened to that?”