1x1 -- Sarish and Stormy

[stormy tom]

Carter liked the sound of that. He grabbed James by the arm and tugged him off to see master Chihaya. She was quite happy to give the pair the day off, and also to warmly welcome James home with a hug and gentle kiss on the forehead.

--

"So... when are you gonna talk to me?" Carter asked, calmly walking alongside James outside in the sun, observing his friend's face carefully.

"I am talking to you." James quirked an eyebrow.

"No... about... other stuff. You know... you never really talk about anything. Do you... do you not trust me?"

"Carter, I trust you with my life." James stopped dead and turned to face his friend, gripping the taller man's shoulders. "I just..." he gaze fell, as did his head.

"It's hard?" Carter offered softly. "What exactly happened back there?" Was it really okay to ask? Had he known James for long enough? Did their relationship mean enough...?

"A-a lot... well, more in my head," James sighed and sagged against Carter. Maybe it was okay to open up to somebody else. His friend was offering, after all... "It hurts, suddenly... and I don't know why now it's suddenly worse than before."

"Sometimes stirring that stuff up again later hurts more than thee actual thing, or at least in a different way," Carter offered. "I know it did for me when you suddenly showed up. I'd had years to move on from what happened, but also plenty of time to distort the true facts. And when that kind of thing suddenly resurfaces you can't always think straight about it. If I had calmed down and thought about things, maybe actually talked to you, I would have been fine. I mean, in the end things worked out, but in the moment I felt like my life was being ripped apart. James, what happened back there? Back then?"

"Carter..." James looked up. "There were so many things... I don't know if I can organize it all-"

"Just pick somewhere, and start there. Whatever comes to mind first," Carter prompted with a gentle, inviting smile. And he sat down, back to a tree, facing another tree quite close that James could take up a similar position against.

"O-okay," James sat and rubbed his face. Where to start, where to start... For some reason, it was his heart that hurt the most. Striker that hurt the most. Of all the scars on his lion, Striker was the cause of most of them. The Loneliness on his flank was a multi-layered wound, but many of those layers were thanks to Striker. The gash across his nose, the gash of Loss, that was also because of Striker. And of course the one right over his heart. Perhaps they were all wounds caused by loss, ultimately. Loss of family, loss of friends, loss of future and passion, loss of love. And Striker was at the heart of it all, now armed with a powerful sidekick. Richard had been mostly silent during his time in Canada, but then again, Richard had never been part of his life there. Now he was back, and so was Richard, returning with this monastery as if he lived in its very walls.

And could Carter understand?

"Carter, I don't want you to think I'm crazy," James started, perhaps a little frantically.

"James," Carter chuckled. "I've seen what your soul looks like. I won't think you're crazy. Besides, I never told you something a little embarrassing... I used to dream about you during and after when you used to beat the crap out of me. You kind of haunted them, but you were also sometimes good in those dreams. I used to look up to you, James. Even when it was me you were beating up. You were stronger than everybody else, you didn't let them get away with how they looked at you. You said what you thought, and you did what you wanted. You still got amazing grades, you were a little mysterious... and I thought you had it all. Even when I was distraught after what you did to me, I still looked up to you even a little. I couldn't help it. Then I heard about your injury, and realised you'd lost everything. For a moment, I felt good. You'd gotten revenge handed to you, where I never could. And then later it hurt, and I was guilty, and I didn't know why. Now here you are, and after I did get my revenge, I realised why. You were the one in pain, and I suddenly looked up to you again, for real this time. You're the strongest man I know, James. Nothing ever could bring you down. I've watched you get back up and keep moving forward after... after things that would make a normal person shiver just thinking about. James, nothing you say will make me think less of you. Because I've seen you at your best and your worst."

"Carter..." James began. "I don't think you've seen me at my worst..."

"Then show me, and I'll prove everything I just said to you."

--

So James told him. No, he did not show his friend his worst. But he did show some sides Carter had been trying to get to for a long time. He told his friend about Striker, about the journey of his view of the player. About his idolization, his crush, and finally the fall. Then he explained about his return, seeing all those old memories sketched out on old sheets of paper, of returning to a real game and watching people he used to know continue with their lives. And he cried. Because that was alright, wasn't it? Wasn't it okay to express pain?

And he felt foolish. Because Carter had gone through something similar. But Carter was the calm-faced, stoic one here, bravely moving past what he had gone through and comforting the very man who had caused him his pain. And that was something James wondered if he could ever do. If Striker were here, suffering, could he put aside the past? Put aside what Striker had done to him from body to soul and be a warm shoulder to cry on?

Not now, certainly.

but here was Carter, by his side, offering that warm shoulder and a strong embrace. And that made James feel ashamed. That was enough to force everything back down again, control his breathing, and assure Carter he was okay.

--

And they moved on. The day progressed. But the conversation still lingered. Those admissions... those oh-so brave admissions by his now-friend. And now Carter knew. Carter knew exactly what Striker had been to James... had that honestly come out of his mouth? Had he honestly just revealed that to a second person now?

It felt... lighter. Yet still unresolved. Unfinished.

"James, your limp's gotten worse. Do you want to sit down?" Carter was offering suddenly, and James realised that while they had been wandering around talking about old movie he really had started to tip pretty badly to one side.

"Oh, yes, maybe. Is... is it dinner time?" James looked up. It was getting dark already.

"Yeah, probably close. Come on, we did a lot of walking," Carter offered. So they headed back, and James found himself planted once again in his usual seat, Carter at his side once more. That nagging feeling in his chest once more. If he didn't know better he'd have thought he was having a heart attack. But it fluctuated, sometimes vanishing altogether, other times returning with enough strength to make him momentarily flinch. Then it was bearable, a background sensation.

It seemed he would have to adjust to the colder mountain air as well. James pulled his sweater on in favour of his robes. A hot dinner was always welcome.

[Sarish]

The masters watched the two men leave, faces falling into something more sober. "Kareena," Sanjay started, though his apprentice was already rising from her seat, nodding knowingly to him before taking her leave as well. "She's such a good sport," he sighed heavily, rubbing a hand over his forehead. "Though I am sure this was different for her, having a full monsoon season of training," and Sarish knew he hadn't meant it the way it had sounded, but guilt still curled in his gut anyway.

They rose from their seats and by some unspoken agreement went back to the tree. Always with that one tree. They sat across from each other, Sarish leaning against the trunk to help his back. "Alright," Sanjay began, tone serious as he locked his gaze with his friend's. "I may not able to manage this. It has been a very long time since I've had to do so, and I never try this unless it is absolutely necessary or wanted. Sometimes I get lost in the sea of thoughts... it's dangerous, is what I'm trying to say," he sighed, and Sarish stiffened, frowning deeply. "Ah, ah, let me finish. There's no way I'll get lost for too long, not if you are focused. But that's why I can't delve in unless I am certain that you can keep your focus, alright? We can sit here all day long if necessary, and we can try another day as well. There's no rush."

Neither of them really believed that.

"We'll start off with meditating. Go ahead and use your powers when you can. It'll help to know that you can keep up a calm for a long period of time. Just relax," Sanjay prompted, and they closed their eyes. It was difficult, honestly. Sarish was worried about so many things, worried about returning, worried about what the significance of the illusion was, worried about his silent soul, worried about James. It was so very difficult to put these all out of his mind, but he had to. And knowing that this would help him fix everything else was eventually what allowed him to slip into his focus, drawing upon his powers and extending them until they encircled the area. It was startlingly easy to use his powers once he was focused... all thanks to the monastery.

Sanjay left no trace when he read someone's memories. It didn't feel like anything, and he hardly ever glowed as strongly as others would. He was a terrifying enemy to have, Sarish was certain. He didn't envy the poor fool who angered the happy-go-lucky monk.

"Focus," came the strong, pronounced in his voice, and Sarish realized that his mind had been slipping back into thought. He re-centered himself, breathing slowly and steadily. Any concept of time was lost to him as he sat and meditated and held his powers steady and simply existed, but did not act or react. He was but a browning leaf, swaying in the wind.

And then there was a sensation. There was no other way to describe it because it was like nothing he had ever felt before. It was just a sensation, curling at the edges of his mind. It did not startle him, and it did not break his concentration. If anything, he fell a bit deeper into his trance. It stayed, stayed and stayed and simply existed along with him. It was almost... humming.

Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmm.

A deep, deep sound that was barely within his hearing range. Vibrating through his thoughts, some flitting to the forefront momentarily before drifting away again, never sticking and breaking his concentration.

And then the sensation faded slightly, petering out until it was nothing but a fading tone. An echo bounced around his mind, growing in volume and clarity.

Sarish.

Summon your alter.

It was Sanjay, he was pretty sure. The command with given with only the tiniest bit of emotion. A minuscule amount of... worry?

Alter, alter. Reaching for his soul, which shrank back. It did not want to be bothered, it did not want to be summoned, to be free of its prison. Its prison had become a den now, something to hide in. It was stronger here, it was safe here. Safe. Safe from what? Every time he grasped for it, it simply slipped out of reach. So he withdrew, pulling and pulling on their bond until his soul was dragged out of its safe place, protesting loudly, desperately, please do not, please, please...

A push-pull, a sudden rush of cold, and then Sarish opened his eyes in time to see Sanjay staring back at him with a blank expression. His soul did not jump from him as it usually did, but fell into the space between them, legs buckling as soon as its paws hit the earth, falling over. It did not move, eyes dull as it laid crumpled. Sanjay was staring at Sarish but Sarish was staring at his alter. It wasn't hurt. There weren't any new wounds. Sarish wasn't in any distress, or hadn't been before summoning it.

But there it lay, flickering and weak and still. A memory danced across his vision.

'Something was touching him. Touching his soul. His soul wasn’t dead. It was still and stiff. Alive.'

Sarish's breath hitched as he stared down at his alter, shaking. "Sanjay," he whispered out hoarsely. "Sanjay."

The older monk slowly unfroze, dragging his gaze down to the soul. He made as if to touch it, but stopped just short. The leopard had not come alive, had not snarled and swatted at his hand, had not protested with every fiber of its being.

It was just... there.

"Sanjay," desperately now. "Sanjay."

"What happened, Sarish? I looked and I looked and I searched... I could see that you had a strange episode with your alter in Canada, but I couldn't see anything that might have suggested... something like this. I don't even... I don't even know what this is. I've never seen this before. You don't have any harmful intentions," he confirmed, murmuring quietly. "But your mind is in turmoil, even if you aren't aware of it. Your soul is... I don't know what it is. I don't know what it's doing, or what's wrong with it. I've never heard of something like this before. It's just..." and then his own chest was glowing, his shepherd mutt landing on the leaf-dusted ground, whining softly as it crept over to its fellow soul. The latter did not acknowledge it, did not move.

"Sanjay," Sarish was shaking. "It's never done something like this before. Even back then, it never... it's like it's..."

Dead.

"I know, Sarish, I know..." Sanjay rubbed at his eyes, blinking like he was wondering if his sight was betraying him. "And you aren't shaken up by anything, not something bad enough to warrant this state. I honestly... I have no earthly idea. This is probably what triggered the illusion... how could those powers dig deep enough to see this, though, I don't know. Could it... could it have something to do with Canada?"

"C-canada?"

"It wasn't rich with powers like it is here, was it? Could that have something to do with it? Like... maybe the weak presence of powers poisoned your soul..."

"D-didn't you say something was wrong with James?"

They went silent for a long moment.

"Could it b-be the same thing?"

"But James has lived there his whole life. No, he hasn't had his powers active for his whole life, but he wasn't initiated here. They must have been dormant in him, waiting for the right conditions..."

"I don't know if he can summon his alter... especially not if it is in the same state as my own... he has enough trouble summoning it regularly, and this doesn't constitute as something emotional enough to help spur that along..." Sanjay peered at him, slightly confused, but did not ask.

"Is it possible that Canada itself is the issue?"

"Yes."

"Is it probable?"

"N-no."

Sanjay sighed. This was... this was new. Confusing. Worrying, very worrying. Sarish himself seemed to be fine, for the most part. Still as worried and... conditioned as ever. Even after all this time he still needed to be useful, still wanted to help and help because the fear that a familiar, accusing voice would be there to berate him if he wasn't. Even after all this time, even after everything that had happened...

"What do I do, Sanjay?" Sarish asked desperately, looking to his friend with tears in his eyes.

Sanjay gritted his teeth, wishing for the umpteenth time that he had the younger monk's powers. "Don't worry--" Sarish barked out an incredulous laugh. "Just relax. Relax, Sarish, okay? We'll figure this out. We'll get it sorted out. We can ask the Head Master or some of the older monks--"

"They won't help me. They'd cast me out as soon as they saw that something was wrong, that this was an anomaly that they had never seen before, that they didn't know how to fix."

"But you aren't dying... your soul isn't dying. You'd feel the effects if it were, you'd know that something was very, very wrong. You know how that feels," Sarish nodded, eyes locked onto his soul. "Just... just draw it back for now. Let it rest. We'll sort this out, I promise. We'll find someone who can help. And we'll have to keep a close eye on James as well. If he can't summon his alter, there's not much that we can do except watch very closely. Okay, Sarish? We'll figure it out, I promise. This is temporary. We'll help you, and we'll help James, okay?"

Right. Right. Okay. Sarish reached for the bond with his alter, tugging at it to draw his soul back in. It would be happy to return. It should be. He tugged and poked and prodded on their bond, but it did not respond. It did not acknowledge him, it did not return. It simply laid there, unfeeling.

'Stiff. Still. Alive.'

"Sanjay...!" Sarish started again, jolting and swallowing, swallowing, panicking because this was so wrong, this was so inexplicably wrong and he didn't know what to do about it, what he was supposed to do, what this meant, how this had happened, why, when, how? How, how?!

"Stop!" Sanjay thundered, and Sarish froze, hands trembling faintly. "Stop, Sarish. It's alright. Let it stay for now, then. That's fine. It always did like to be out and about, anyway. Maybe staying outside will help it come back to itself. Okay? Look, just look at me," he commanded, and while the other locked his gaze with his friend, he could still see the mutt carefully dragging his soul around to the other side of the tree. It wasn't flinching like it should be, it wasn't fighting and hissing and spitting because someone was touching it. It couldn't even feel the contact.

"Sarish. Come on. Let's go back. It's well past dinner," Kareena had shown up and had talked with Carter and James, offering a random excuse as to why the two masters were missing, holding up a conversation fairly well. Yet another sacrifice for her, stepping out of her comfort zone to help even though she wasn't quite sure what was going on.

"I..." Sarish almost protested. What was I going to say? 'I should stay'? 'Should we bring it back with us'? No, it's probably... better off here. Nobody comes down to this tree. Too many bad memories... and then Sanjay was offering his hand and the younger monk took it numbly. And then they were back in his room suddenly. How late was it? He had no idea. He should... he had responsibilities, even though they wouldn't be training for a few days. Shouldn't he...? Wasn't there something he had to...?

"Just rest, Sarish. Just sleep for now. Give yourself some time. I'll handle everything else. James is okay for right now, I promise. I'll handle things if something goes wrong, and I promise that I'll wake you up," and then Sarish was curled up on his side, the mutt wriggling under arm to huddle close to him. "Sleep, bud," and then there was a hand on his head and his eyelids were drooping against his will, slipping into sleep even though Sanjay had only used a tiny bit of his usual power. When had he gotten so tired...? When...

---

'Soon.

Just wait.

Something stirred in his chest. The barest of flutters. A flicker of warmth. For a millionth of a second.

Barely there.

His soul was alive.

No.'


(I was wondering if James and Sarish should have an argument before all of this goes down. Just another incident to hurt James' soul a bit more. I'm not sure what they'd argue about, but I think that it wouldn't be out of the cards to assume that Sarish would actually argue back about something with the stress and confusion and worry about everything that's happened. Especially if Carter has the dream and tells Sarish. An argument after that would definitely be feasible. Probable, even. Just a thought.)

[stormy tom]

(That's a good idea)


James went to bed, wondering what Sarish was talking about with Sanjay, wondering what was going on. Part of him wished it were him his friend were talking to, but the other part insisted logically that he probably would not be able to do anything about it.

So he fell asleep, and what he found behind closed eyelids was a surge of dreams.

Then... a warm hand pulling him awake.

"James... James wake up." It was Carter, kneading beside him, shaking him awake. "James, look at me. Come on!"

And James obeyed, opening his eyes. There was Carter, eyes glowing just a little. But his hands were warm. "I heard you from the hallway. James what's going on -- you're freezing."

"Bad dreams," James whispered tiredly. "Not new. Never sleep good."

"Okay, okay..." Carter looked at his hands then slowly lowered himself down and slipped under the blanket. James was cold to the touch. But the younger man pressed himself close, hoping his heat and presence might warm up his friend and help him sleep.

--

Carter himself had been wandering the halls trying to clear his head after a bad dream. Then he'd heard sounds. Distressed sounds. The dream could wait.

But now it was morning and he was leaving James alone at breakfast, walking toward the corridors in the hopes of intercepting Sarish. Because this could not wait. And it was not a table topic.

Carter didn't know where Sarish's room was, but he knew the route most of them had to take to get to the mess hall, so he would intercept him there. This was extremely important.

[Sarish]

Something was whining. Whining, whimpering pitifully. It was a loud sound, an amplified sound from a big animal. The mutt had never whined like that before. It wasn't the right timbre, the right tone or pitch. So Sarish opened his eyes, letting them fall around the room. There was nothing out of the ordinary. There was Sanjay's soul, still huddled close, warm brown eyes sad as it gazed up at him now. The whining sounded right behind him and he twisted desperately, but it faded and nothing was there. A shaky laugh escaped him.

I'm going insane. That must be it. I'm losing my mind. My alter, the illusion, all of it... it feels like I didn't get any sleep at all, but I can't sense my soul taking any of that power, he laid his head back down. Why, why? Why now? I've never... I knew that I would never be able to escape from Dustin. I knew that that would haunt me until I died. But why did I have to go crazy? We just got back home... things went so wrong here and then we went to Canada and thing went so wrong there and now we're back... I just want to live, I just want to be happy, please...

The mutt whimpered, shifting ever closer to lick his face. It was trying to ground him, he knew. It was so hard, though. So hard to focus when everything was going so wrong. His thoughts were fuzzy, his mind whirling in one moment and then still and stiff in the next. Still and stiff.

Sarish wanted to stay here. He didn't want to get up. He could only imagine what he looked like. But he hadn't eaten. If he was going to try to keep up appearances, he had to eat. If he was going to help James recover from whatever happened, he needed to be strong. Composed. A mansion built on stilts, one gust of wind away from breaking and crumbling into a heap. But at least it was a beautiful lie.

He sat up slowly, numbly. The shepherd did the same. Where was Sanjay? The mutt wasn't fading, it wasn't returning. "You can't be out," Sarish murmured his not completely thought out sentence, but the soul seemed to know what he meant and just fixed him with a determined stare. Try me. This wasn't allowed. Or was it? He didn't think so. The rules wouldn't have changed that much in the time that he was gone. Nobody would want a hissy snow leopard prowling through the halls. But mostly everyone knew what the mutt was, who he was. Sarish guessed that Sanjay thought it'd be fine. It wouldn't, though.

"Sanjay, listen," he placed both hands on the mutt's shoulders and looked into its eyes. "Listen, please. You can't read my mind anymore. I know you're trying to help, but I also know how weak you must be after delving all the way into my thoughts like that. I have no clue how in the world you managed to summon your alter or put me to sleep, but I know you must be exhausted and absolutely drained. I'm... confused and scared and..." he laughed shakily. "B-but I need you to just stop. Just stop for now. Please. Don't read my mind. I'm asking you now to respect my privacy. And to get some rest. I'm supposing you're actually asleep because you haven't interrupted me yet, but I know that you'll know inherently when you wake up because I'm talking to your soul. So please... please..." Sarish leaned closer, touching foreheads with the mutt. "Please just stop for now. I promise that I'll tell you if something really... unfavorable it whirling around up in here. I promise," and the alter stared at him for a long, long moment, saddened greatly. But it nodded and sighed and fell away, going to return to Sanjay.

There. It was done now. Now poor Sanjay could finally get some real rest. The amount of power it must have taken to summon his alter, use his powers to that extent, and help put him to sleep... it must have been immense. Already causing trouble... so soon after returning. Well, his name was Sarish, wasn't it? He was a trouble magnet.

He rose and trudged to the door, physically picking himself up and forcing his posture into something a bit more normal and less stressed out of his mind, putting on a neutral mask before stepping out into the hall. Barely ten steps later and there was Carter, a serious and maybe... worried expression on his face. Sarish stopped dead. "Carter? Carter, what's wrong? Is something wrong with James?!"

[stormy tom]

Carter jumped. And there was Sarish. But he quickly recovered.

"No, he's fine. I had another dream, Sarish, and this time it was about you. I... I think you really need to hear this."

The hallway was empty and quiet. But Carter lowered his voice all the same, stepping closer. "It was night and... and Dustin arrived. He came for you and he brought... friends. Help. He was going to destroy us. I remember the moon in the background... what it looked like? I think this is soon, Sarish. And I don't know what to do."

It had for certain been a premonition. The dream had been tinted blue, just like his only other premonicient dream. But this time it was about Sarish. And Dustin! How could he tell anyone else if Dustin had been there? No, Sarish needed to know, and Sarish only. For now at least. But Carter had a good feeling that the fragile peace of this monastery did not need to be disturbed by Dustin.

No way.

They would panic, get scared, make accusations. No, what they needed was calm. But someone had to know.

[Sarish]

Another dream? Another dream? No, please. Everything's already falling apart, please don't tell me you had another dream... but if it was about him, perhaps it was just about his soul. Maybe Carter had a premonition about what would happen to it. Maybe it was about what had already happened to it. That was... that was better. As long as it wasn't about something terrible happening to James again. This he could deal with, hopefully. He always dealt with this sort of thing on his own nowadays, if he could help it. There was no need to drag other people into his problems.

And so he listened, and just one word stopped his breath short, his lungs freezing, his eyes going wide as his head spun and he paled dangerously.

Dustin.

Dustin.

No. No, please, no. Please, please! No! Sarish trembled, swaying where he stood as his eyes went distant. No, please, I can't, I...
please!

"What would you do if he came walking through those doors right now? What would you do, Sara? Would you attack him? Defend us? Defend your friends, defend James? Finish what you started? Or would you run to him like an obedient little mutt? Would you beg for forgiveness? Would you go back with him to America if he asked, or even if he didn't ask? What would you do, Sarish, tell us what kind of person are you! Tell us the truth!" Markus' words rang clearly through his head as he stumbled back a step.

This couldn't be happening. There was no way. Not after all of this time. Not after Dustin's voice had finally gone away. No. His memories had been removed, reshaped, and replaced. There was no way that he could ever remember his time here. Dustin would never remember who Sarish was, what this monastery held and where it hid. Carter had said that in the dream the American was looking for Sarish, though. How? How is this possible? It can't be. Not after all this time.

He was so certain, though. Dustin had never wanted anything to do with the rest of the monastery. He came to be trained by Sarish. He wanted him to come back with him. Even after all this time... how could that still hold true? Even after what he had done to Dustin? And he had brought friends... friends...

Sarish's head hurt. His alter twitched. He wanted to laugh, shake his head and claim that there was no way. That Carter's dream had been wrong this time. That just because one had come to fruition didn't mean that this one would. And this one was impossible. There was just no way. No way. His heart ached.

"Don't tell anyone else," he ordered, voice wavering quietly. "Don't tell anyone, not Chihaya, not Sanjay, not the Head Master, and especially not James. Do you understand me?" Sarish growled, forcing his gaze up to lock onto Carter's. "Not a word. Do not give Sanjay permission to read your mind. I don't care if James sees that something is wrong and begs on his knees with tears in his eyes. You will not tell anyone," Dustin was his responsibility. He always had been, he always would be. Nobody could know. James could never meet Dustin. Never. "Not a soul. You keep this to yourself. I will handle it."

What would he do? Sarish didn't know. He didn't know if a rage would build up and he would kill Dustin. He didn't know if he'd simply give up. Maybe he'd fight and die. He didn't know. If he was being overwhelmed and Dustin seemed to be hellbent on throwing away his former plan and simply marching right up to the monastery and wreaking havoc, then he would let everyone know. Then he would alert Sanjay and the Head Master and everyone could defend themselves. But for now... he wasn't even sure if this was real. Maybe all of this was a product of his fragmented mind. He was going crazy, he had to be. There was no other explanation. And while his voice wavered and shook and displayed just how torn apart he was, his eyes displayed a conviction unrivaled by anything they had ever managed before.

"Do not go out at night. Make sure that James stays asleep, or at least in his room. Do you understand me, Carter?"

[stormy tom]

The master's reaction should have been expected, but it still made Carter jump. And he froze, because he was scared. He didn't know what to do. And so he would obey. He would obey that order and he would not tell James, or anyone else.

Because what would James do?

He would get angry. That was probably a given. And he might try to do something brave and noble, but horrendously stupid or miscalculated. And Carter did not want to watch his friend face off with Death again. Not in his dreams, not in reality, never. At least James had not appeared in the dream. Maybe that meant he showed up before or after the dream began, but Carter willed himself to believe that it meant his friend stayed out of this.

Yes, James would stay uninvolved. Carter would completely freeze the man if he had to, encase him in an icy prison if it came down to it.

And he replied with more confidence than he'd have expected from himself. "Yes, I promise. James will not leave his room tonight." and I can get him to stay. "And he won't know about this. No-one will. I promise."

And could they hide this from James? Sure their friend could tell something was up. He usually did. But at least Carter could try to divert his attention, think of another reason other than the return of Dustin that was bothering them. They could hide it. They would. It might not be fun, but it had to be done.

Carter returned to the mess hall feeling heavy. He sat down beside James to work on his breakfast.

"What's up?" James asked, as if on cue, head tipped slightly sideways as he observed Carter with that chip-reader stare.

"Nothing," Carter offered. No, bad plan. "Just thinking about last night..."

"I didn't keep you up, did I...?" James asked with guilt.

"No! No no, I was having trouble sleeping myself. Did you sleep alright after that?"

"Great," James smiled. "Thank you."

"No problem," Carter smiled. That alone would be enough to alter his expression. He allowed the joy of his success to fill him and hoped that it lasted. Perhaps he would just have to do his best and stay away from James as subtly as possible until night when he would be needed to monitor and possibly control the whereabouts of his friend. His stubborn, stubborn, deathly loyal friend. Bless you, James Hunter, but for once could you not just be the docile one that we could trust to hang back and think things through? To stay out of trouble? then again, if he had done that, he wouldn't be James.

[Sarish]

Tonight. Carter had said tonight. Would it be tonight, then? So soon, so soon... such a long time coming, though. Years... Sarish's mind was a tornado and he could not think. He didn't know what to do. Sanjay was resting, and he would be resting for a while. James and Carter were up and about, but at least Carter knew. James did not, could not, would not. No, he growled in his mind. He would knock his apprentice out himself if it was necessary. There was no way that James could know.

No.

Sarish would have to avoid him today. That was the best move he could think of because James had an infuriating ability to see right through him. How, he had no idea. His masks were good, his lies were solid, but sometimes James could still see through them anyway. The monk had no idea as to what he should be doing. What could he do except sit and wait? Maybe it wouldn't be tonight. Maybe they had time... time for what? It was almost... almost better if it happened sooner because then there was less chance of someone noticing that something was wrong.

So very, very wrong. He covered his face with his hands. How? I don't understand how...

He didn't know what to do. If he left now... no, Dustin might just attack the monastery in the hopes of finding him. No, he had to stay here, stay present but far enough away that the monastery would have time to ready itself if Dustin went on the offensive... and he knew exactly where he'd go, but not yet.

Sarish wasn't hungry. Not at all. His stomach twisted at the thought of eating anything, but he knew that he had to. He had to have some modicum of strength if Dustin truly did show up tonight. He chuckled humorlessly. I've even started thinking like it will happen... it can't, though, please...

A short trip to the dining hall. He purposefully did not look for any of his friends, sticking to the sides of the room and picking a table in the corner to sit at. The rice tasted like dust in his mouth, but he forced himself to swallow it down. It will help. It will help. Kareena found him. She sat across from him, nervous energy drifting off her. Sarish did not raise his gaze, did not acknowledge her. She fidgeted. "M-master Sarish... have you seen Master Sanjay?"

"Sleeping," he answered lowly. "Leave him alone today, he needs rest."

"D-did something... did something h-happen--"

Sarish looked up and fixed her with a glare. Her eyes widened and she shrank away, but he could not bring himself to care. "Your master is fine. Tired, but fine. Go sit with him if you're that worried, but leave me alone," that was too hostile, he knew. "I did not sleep well last night, and I'm still terribly sore from the journey. Go," he waved a hand and she immediately rose and fled. I don't care, I don't care, Sarish told himself. It doesn't matter. Nobody knows what's going on, everyone needs to stay away from me or else they'll be in danger.

My fault. My fault.

And then he was up and out and down and walking, walking, walking to the maple tree. His alter had not moved other than the little twitch. Sarish paid it no mind, sitting against the tree as tears sprang to his eyes only to be dried by a sharp determination, which then dissolved into a numb acceptance. Disbelief. Fear. Anger. Back again, just a whirlwind of emotions. It didn't matter, nothing mattered. As long as everyone stayed away, stayed far away. Stayed safe. Nobody would be hurt again. Not again. Never again, not by him. Please.

Please let it all be just a dream.

[stormy tom]

 James finished breakfast, and Carter left him rather quickly to find his master. And James was left alone, unsure what to do.

So he went to find Sarish, a nagging feeling in his stomach.

His limp had already started to improve in his short time since returning, the monastery's atmosphere seeping into his bones and strengthening them. But he had other things on his mind than his leg. Other pressing matter. Other changes that had occurred since arriving.

Sarish was not in his room, nor was he in the mess hall. James found his friend by the maple tree.

Yes, something was up. So James approached with all his usual tactfulness.

"Sarish," he said and strode over. Off white fur caught his eye. His friend's alter. Alone. Lying still. It looked... it looked... dead. Inert at least. It could be dead, logically. "Sarish what the Hell," he gestured to the leopard, quickening his pace, worry and confusion in his eyes. Something was for sure wrong.

"Sarish, what is going on. And don't lie to me. That's not right," and he pointed at the leopard more fiercely. "Tell me. What's up."

[Sarish]

He had closed his eyes at some point. He wasn't sure when, and he wasn't sure why. There was no way he could even begin to think about meditating. He wouldn't sleep, couldn't sleep. He was in a daze, a trance as he tried desperately to deny the existence of the dream. Nothing but the inventions of a man losing his mind. Just look at my soul. I'm crazy, I must be. How did that happen? Maybe it was a long time coming. I don't know what set it off. Why or how... it doesn't matter. I just have to be quiet and lay low and stay away. This was always my battle to fight, and if I have to kill Dustin to protect my friends, my family, then I will not hesitate. I cannot afford to.

Perhaps none of this would come to pass. Perhaps it would. Either way, Sarish would not see anyone dead tonight unless it was himself or Dustin or any of the 'friends' he was supposedly bringing. Dustin doesn't have friends. He never had friends, not real ones. He wanted them, but at the same time he despised the idea of being bound in such a way.

No, this was bad. He couldn't start thinking like this now. Think of the murderer. Think of the killer. Think of all the bad times, the times he started and ended fights. Remember those. I cannot falter. I cannot roll over and bare my neck. No. Not now.

Footsteps cut through his thoughts. Slightly off-kilter, one louder than the other. Sarish felt a growl building in his mind. Why can't you just stay away? He opened his eyes and turned to glare at his apprentice, unfolding his legs and standing. "It's fine," he affirmed, ignoring the worry in James' eyes. Do not falter now. "This sort of thing happens sometimes," Sarish lied, knowing that James wouldn't truly be able to confirm otherwise. "You have not summoned your alter for a long enough period of time to know that this can sometimes happens. The stress of keeping your alter locked up inside of you, or having it summoned for too long causes this to happen. In my case it was the former," he explained, knowing that it sounded feasible, at least.

"What do you want, James? Is something wrong?" Sarish diverted, done talking about his soul, who was not acknowledging that any of this was happening. There had to be a reason as to why James was here, and if he could learn what it was and resolve it quickly, then everything would be fine. But Sarish was not in the mood for talking. He wasn't in the mood for much of anything at this point.