RP School Thread - Students Only/Closed

[Nimble Awesomeness]

-_- I thought it would work this time... Jenjo, you here?

Bump...

Maybe we should just start without her and after all 5 of us have posted she'll be back to review our posts. Anyone?

[Jenjo]

Apologies guys ;3; I'm still on holiday - the internet is pretty slow, and I only have access on my phone. I tried to critique them but it really wasn't working :c I have read through the forms in detail and I will critique them as soon as possible, which should be Friday. Sorry for the wait D:

[Caskett]

That's ok! Thanks for responding

[Nimble Awesomeness]

It's ok Jenjo, we understand. :3 Can't wait for the critique!

[the force awakens.]

Thanks! I can't wait to be RP-educated!

[aiu]

((Bump, so we can find it easier. I also changed my username from Night's Song to Story Teller.))

[Jenjo]

Ability:
He's got two. Some consider him lucky for it, though most assume it's a curse. He has super speed, but can only use it in 5-8 minute bursts at one time or he gets too exhausted. The other one is that he can turn any part of his body hard as steel, which makes running up and punching somebody very...extreme. His main attack is circling them so fast they nearly fall over, then rushing them and punching the helpless victim with his iron fist. Thus earning him the name "Strike".

I really like his ability as it is well thought-out and it gives a reason for the nickname. The highlighted word is a little 'choppy', but it's okay - you could change it to this:

"...with his iron fist, thus earning..."

Likes:
Metal rock music, dubstep, eating, smashing stuff. Training. He loves training. That's when he finally gets some alone time. Most of it is meditation for him, trying to get his anger under control. And then there's the part of training where he just smashes things. Yeah, that's great.

You seem a little choppy here, mainly at the beginning. Writing like this:

"Metal rock music is his favorite genre of music because __________."

Makes your statement less choppy. But otherwise, this is good.

Greatest Fear:
Flying.

Is there any particular reason for this fear, or when did it come about?

Apart from some slight choppiness, this is a very good form! You clearly put in a lot of work and detail. I consider this to be of a very good and high standard, so well done! Your spelling is excellent, and your punctuation and grammar is very good too. Well done!

I am working on the others now, please remain patient. Thanks for your cooperation!

[Jenjo]

Illusions, which means he can trick your minds into thinking that their are multiple of him, he can scare the heck out of you, make mirages, etc.

I like this ability. Somehow the oddness of his name fits perfectly for his ability, and even without ready further I know he'll be an interesting character.

Clothing style:
He wears a old fashioned brown cloak with a hood that is often up. He wears black boots that go about halfway up the lower part of his leg and worn jeans. He has a white dress shirt that he wears all the time and a tailismen given to him by his grandpa who had powers like he did.

He has a nice style of clothing. A little tip for you, though; you've started each sentence with a pronoun. If you read it out loud, I think you'll realize that it sounds very flat, starting each sentence off like that. You could also use a comma between the two highlighted words, but it's okay. I like that you've given a reason for his style, so that we understand it a little better.

Frame:
He is muscular, but still seems quite lanky. He has slightly sharp facial features.

The same little flaw occurs here, with the pronoun. Try mixing the sentence up a bit, but make sure that it still makes sense. For example, instead you could write:

Although muscular, he still seems quite lanky. He has slightly sharp facial features.

Do you understand? It's perfectly fine to start out a sentence with a pronoun, but be careful that you don't always start out with a pronoun.

History:
Eponymous was born on the streets, so his mother left him on the steps of a mansion, where he was a raised wealthy by his 'grandpa'. His grandpa died when he was 11 and he was given everything since his grandpa had no other living family. He was then able to really get whatever he wanted, but never really spoiled himself, since Grandpa raised him not to be that way even with all the money. He enjoyed going out and tricking people into things, but never really stealing anything. Due to his connections with many people, he learned of the school for people like him. He took little time to get signed up. Other things will be revealed in the RP.

This is quite a different, yet interesting, history. There are a lot of characters out there that were 'raised on the street', but I love how you gave it a little twist.

Personality:
Eponymous is not a very trust-worthy person, in fact, he should be the last person in the school to trust. He likes to weave impossible stories and is a great storyteller. He tries to show-off as much as possible and is a big flirt. Even though he is untrustworthy, he still can fool many people with a well told lie and his powers.

Eponymous is not someone who gets close to anyone, but when, or if, he does, he usually tells the truth and will talk openly to you.

I rather like how you've used his ability to effect his personality. He seems quite manipulative, but I like him.

Dislikes:
Uptight people and people who really don't get him.

I think this is slightly choppy; perhaps you could try to start out the sentence like this:

"Uptight people tend to get on Eponymous' nerves..."

But really, it's fine.

Strengths:
His powers, his want to protect others, and his faith in, well, everything.

Again, perhaps a little choppy? It's fine though. Is there a reason for his want to protect others? Why does he have faith in everything?

Greatest Fear:
Fire!

Is this a particular reason for this fear? How and when did it develop?

Goals in life:
Help as many people as he can and find his family.

I think if you started the sentence out like this:

"To help..."

It would flow a little better. Otherwise, this is good.

This is a brilliant form! I know I pointed out quite a bit, but they were really just minor things. I would say that this is at a good standard - so well done!

[the force awakens.]

((Can't wait to see my post and how it could be approved.... ))

[Jenjo]

Ability: Ashley can fly, and can breathe water.

I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
Firstly, if she can fly, how so? Does she have wings, or does she fly with some sort of psychic power?
Secondly, I think you made a slight mistake in the highlighted area. I think you meant "...and can breathe under water". If so, how? Does she develop gills underwater, or is there an extra store of oxygen in her lungs? Can she remain underwater for long, extended periods of time, or just a few minutes?

Special Markings (tattoos, scars, etc): She has her ears pierced that look like flowers with very small diamonds in her earrings.

This doesn't quite make sense, either. Do you mean that her earrings are flower-shaped with small diamonds? If so, you could write something like this instead:

"She has her ears pierced, and usually wears flower-shaped earrings encrusted with diamonds."

Clothing style: Ashley wears T-shirts and jeans or shorts. Also, Ashley wears shirts that show "school spirit."

This is fine. However, I have something minor to point out. Instead of 'Also,' you could write 'Sometimes' instead. 'Also' implies that she wears these items of clothing at the same time.

History: Ashley has been in hiding from public because of her powers for years. She spent the school years at home home-schooling with her parents. She always wanted to meet people, and here she goes to boarding school, with a bunch of "rich kids."

This is a fine history too. Again, just something minor to point out. Look to the highlighted section; instead of writing it as you did, you could put something like:

"She spent the typical school years at home, being home-schooled by her parents."

Having the word 'home' so close together sounds a little off - if you split it slightly with another word or some form of punctuation, it seems better.

Personality: Ashley is very kind and nice, because she can become mean otherwise at people. Ashley has a bad temper when people are rude to her, based on her history at home.

I really think that you have the potential to write more than this. Try to add some more detail; why is she so nice and kind? Is her company simply pleasant? Does she make people smile, or does she crack jokes? Is she quiet and reserved, or loud and forward?
Look to the highlighted part. I think you meant to write;

"...but she can become mean"

Having 'because' there makes no sense.
Why is she hot-headed? Is she quick to pounce on people when they insult her?

Likes: To be a great friend, adventure, and to be happy.

This is slightly choppy, but I like it. To whom does she want to be a great friend, or does she just want to be close friends with people in general? Is there a reason for her love of adventure?

Dislikes: Her "haters", stuck in one place at once, and to be upset.

I think this is really just the opposites of her likes. Why does she have haters, and who are they? Is there any particular reason for her dislike of staying in one place, or is it just because of her adventurous streak?

Strengths: Reading, math, and English.

Why are these her strengths? Does she simply enjoy these subjects and strives in them? Outside of schoolwork, what are her strengths? In addition, you're slightly choppy; try making these words into full sentences.

Weaknesses: Science, and History.

Do these subjects just bore her? Are they too complicated for her? Of all things, why Science and History? Again, you're a little choppy; try making these into full sentences, so that they are easier to read.

Greatest Desire: To be 18, and live her own life. Ashley's spent too much time in hiding. She wants to explore when she grows up and become "Miss Independence" to her parents.

I like this - it brings out her strive to be independent. Perhaps you could add this to her personality, her want to be independent?

Goals in life: To become her own person, and see what the world needs.

Maybe she'll inspire someone other than a scientist.

What, exactly, do you mean by "...and see what the world needs"? I'm afraid I don't really understand. Additionally, I don't really understand the second sentence either. What do you mean by it?
Again, there's her streak of independence - I like it.

What Does He/She Regret: Ashley regrets her bad parents. They treat her badly.

Why do they treat her so awfully? Perhaps you could add in a quick little detail about this in the history. Are they just strict, or are they genuinely horrible people?

What is He/She Proud of: Showing her parents the invite in the mail to Holly Valley. She would still be stuck at home if she wasn't here.

I think this. It's different to the usual, and, most importantly, it's relevant.

Family life: Homeschooling, and dealing with her parents. She was "grounded for life", like Rapunzel.

This is slightly choppy, but otherwise, it's fine. Perhaps you could add in a little more detail though? Does she have any other relatives? Why or how is her relationship with her parents so bad? Is it just because she was always enclosed? I rather like the Rapunzel reference, too.

This form is of a fair enough standard. If you could just be a little more detailed, it would be brilliant. You've got a good structure to develop here, and I know that you can improve! You spelling is very good, as is your grammar and punctuation. I think you just slipped up in the lack of detail throughout. However, this is pretty good, so well done!