~The Last Haven~ (Critiques Welcome)

[Manx]

-The Last Haven-

Hey everyone! So, 'The Last Haven' is a piece of writing I'm currently working on, and hope to turn into a book at some point. Anyway, I would really like some writing tips. It's currently in a rough copy stage, and there are a few kinks I'd like to work out. I'd love to hear your opinions and suggestions, so feel free to post them. ^^

[Manx]

-The Last Haven-

In the distance an owl hooted, its cry seeming unusually loud in the silent forest. The wind whispered through the trees, sending fallen leaves scuttling across the forest floor. Mist shrouded the forest, and from it a cloaked figure appeared. He took long, smooth steps, his black cloak bellowing out behind him. His hood cast a shadow over his face, hiding his features. He came to a halt under a large, gnarled oak, as though he was waiting for someone. As if on command, a second figure appeared from the mist. His steps were heavy and labored and he stood several feet taller than the other individual. A heavy brown cloak fell across his two large, wide shoulders.

“My lord,” the second figure said, bowing low to the ground, his voice gruff and rumbling. His tattered cloak draped over his broad shoulders and was a dark earthy brown. It hung in frays around his feet, occasionally catching on a protruding root.

“Have you found her yet, Kar?” the other demanded coolly, making no movement to suggest he had seen Kar’s gesture. His voice was cold, merciless, yet it couldn’t have belonged to a boy older than ten.

“Not yet my lord,” Kar said, his voice almost seeming to quaver for a moment. “But we are close. My men and I have already found the village she resides in. It’s only a matter of time before-“

“Time is of the essence, Kar. We cannot afford to waste it,” the boy snapped sharply. “Speed up the search. We must find her before she discovers her powers. Do not fail me Kar… You know the consequences.”

Kar seemed to shrink. “Y-Yes my lord,” he stammered, a bead of sweat running down his brow. “We will find her my lord.” With this, he bowed once again, his nose nearly touching the ground. He turned swiftly and his cloak fell back from his head. The full moon penetrated through the mist, revealing a grotesque face. His features were rounded and looked as though they had been smashed in. Two beady eyes darted around nervously, wide with fear. From each side of his head, two large, thick ram horns curled forward. He hastily scurried away, glad to be away from the boy’s presence.

The boy distastefully watched as Kar scuttled away. The Elocin were useful creatures, but despite their large stance and thick limbs, they were quite weak, in both mind and body. They were cowards, and easily corrupted. He couldn’t deny that they didn’t come in handy, but all the same they could be quite exhausting to be around.

As Kar faded into the mist, the boy raised his head, looking up. The mist was still quite thick, making it hard to even discern the trees above. A sliver of moonlight managed to shine through the fog, giving the forest a ghostly appearance. It would be enough to unnerve most, but the boy seemed undaunted.
After a few minutes the boy turned sharply, fading into the forest just as quickly as he had appeared…

~~~

“Now remember, your essay will be due on Monday!” Mrs. Clearwater called over the scuffling of chairs as people packed up.
The class let out a groan as they quickly packed up their things and hastily walked out of the classroom. In a matter of moments, the classroom was empty, leaving Alora by herself to finishing packing her things. Hefting up her books and binders, she made her way towards the door without interruption. Outside, a wave of students coursed down the hall, chatting amongst themselves as they hurriedly made their way towards their lockers. It was a Friday afternoon, and most people were simply delighted that the weekend was finally here.

To be continued...

Do not steal any of my characters or my plot, thank you very much.

[Lanton]

I noticed you asked for critique so if you don't mind I will be perfectly honest. ^^

Your story caught me off guard. I suppose I've become so accustomed to the work of, ah, simpler minds in this forum and had long ceased expecting to find anything I could imagine in published book. However, you've managed to change my mind.

The only thing I could really think of is center format isn't my favorite for works of prose. That aside I also I must disagree with you, at least based on what you've posted so far. I think that it has the right amount of description - enough to make you imagine/picture the scene but not so much that you loose the general idea of what is going on. I can't think of much else to say since it's still very early (I assume) in the story. Although I am a (not so great) writer myself, I can't think of any tips.

Hope my comment was not too wordy. I would be delighted to read more.

I'm glad to see there are other Artemis Fowl fans out there. I was beginning to think I was the only one.

[1.21 gigawatts]

This SUCKS!!!...Jk. We know each other in real life so I can bug her like that. Lol. I think it is amazing and I can't wait to read more. I can't really think of anything that would need to be changed.

[Manx]

Thank you for your comment Lanton ^^ I do tend to be a bit overly critical about my own work, so it's nice to have some other people do some reviewing ^^;

Hey 1.21 gigawatts ^^ Thanks for stopping by to comment ;P

Thank you for once again your comments! I'll certainly be working on this more, and I'll continue post as I go along. ^^

P.S. Artemis Fowl fan? Haven't seen one of those around for a while ^^ I'm getting quite excited about the next book. It's a shame it'll be the last one, though.

[1.21 gigawatts]

Your welcome. Go Mulch!

[Manx]

I've added another paragraph, and I'm currently working on it again after taking quite a long break. X3
Again, it's all in rough copy stage so feel free to point out any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes you happen to see. xD

[1.21 gigawatts]

Ugh. I come on here so I can get away from school. Now you bring school to here. just messing with you. It's still pretty good I say.

[Manx]

Haha Well, don't worry, it's only going to be a short bit of it X3
This is where the slow part begins... You know, the introduction and establishing of the main character part... Things will start picking up again with the development of the problem and such :3